Second awakening

[Smokeytehbear]

Hello all,

I remember a book I read when I was a kid, no idea how old I was, but it was about a girl astral projecting.  It was a fictional story (I think), but in it the girl learned to project by 'not thinking with words' and went on many adventures.  I can't remember the name of it for the life of me, where I got it from or when I read it, but I remember being deeply intrigued by it and that it introduced me to AP and without it I would never have known there was such a thing.  In a way this was the foundation for my 'awakening'. 

All of my life since I can remember I have been looking for some kind of personal proof that there was something 'more' to this world than what we're supposed to accept.  I've always been interested in things like the paranormal, what happens when we die, ufos, astrology, basically anything that to me was the link to proof that this world was more than just 'this'.  I remember being 10 or 11 years old and sitting at the library for hours reading books about heaven and hell, ghosts, aliens, ndes and a lot of the time terrifying myself with my interpretations of certain things.   I'm sure a lot of people would think of me as gullible, and perhaps in some areas I am.  I've never had any special gifts other than my intuition (or hope) that everything somehow 'fit's and 'falls into place'.  My fascination and the feeling of peace I feel when I glance at the night sky is pretty much my only comparable feeling of 'deja vu' a lot of people describe regarding past lives.  But everyone gets that right?  I'm lucky if I can remember a fragment of a dream, nevermind experience what some people describe as lucid experiences.  But I can think back to certain moments in my past that 1 choice I've made shaped the entire direction of my life.  I like to look back at all the small circumstances that led me to the point where I had to make that 1 choice.  I've always felt like life was gently pulling me in certain directions and I've been very lucky to have things usually work out and 'click' for me.  Not to where I have more than I need and all that I want, but just to where I have what I need and still have wants.  Still that's all subjective to being 'all in my head'.  As a child I was raised somewhat of a Christian, not a seriously religious family, but the concepts of 'heaven and hell' and 'believe in Jesus or go to hell', 'anything supernatural, especially if it works, is the devil's trickery' etc etc were embedded somewhere deep in my head.  This never really felt right to me but it's like I always believed in it out of fear of what would happen if I didn't.  Even today knowing the origins and history on these beliefs like I do, these childhood fears are proving hard to overcome.  Most adults and authority figures have no idea of the power of their words onto some.  Childhood doctrine can unfortunately trump truth.

This is my 2nd awakening.  I remember shortly after I turned 21 I'd be up late at night watching informercials and seeing Kevin Trudeau's 'Natural Cures they dont want you to know about'.  After the 400th 2am screening of this guy I started getting curious and bought his book.  This was the beginning.  Whether or not this guy and his book were the real deal was irrelivant.  Somehow even though i'd always been intrigued by the 'unexplainable', I'd always taken the 'real world' at face value. (like I said, sometimes gullible).  All of a sudden I'm looking at things in a very different perspective.  I realize the 'good guys' really aren't the good guys and I was spun into the world of 'conspiracy theories', and for that there's a TON of information available on anything you could ever hope to imagine available at the tips of your fingers.   Sure a lot of it is bias and disinformation, but it's there for us to sort out and decide what we want to take with us.  (My personal technique is to read both sides, read in depth of whatever feels 'right' to me, then research ways to debunk that view.  If I'm not satisfied with the debunking I may accept whatever 'truth' I'm trying to find.)  I began researching more spiritual things, trying to eat better and apply what I learned to become a better 'soul'.  I read Robert Monroes book 'The Ultimate Journey'.  This book changed my soul.  It litterally changed the way I looked at everything at that time in my life.  However during this time I was very involved with my job and making my career. Suddenly spiritual growth, excersizing and eating well proved harder than I thought and I would get sucked back into the day to day material life, drinking on a regular basis and actually being addicted to a stupid computer game for 2 years of my life...i'll let you guess the game.  It was such an ecstatic escape for me and I litterally spent the better part of my free time for 2 years addicted to a game.  I spent so much energy on my job that I was 'done' when I'd get home and just basically work, drink/play and sleep, period.  I was asleep though, to the world and myself, and not only did I know it but it was blatantly intentional.  For several years up until very recently there was no passion in me at all.  At all.

This is my second awakening.  A significant but irrelivent chain of events in my life led me back to where I left off years ago.  In a lot of ways it was fear that led me here but I don't know if that matters.  Maybe I have reason to be in fear, maybe I don't but this fear has only forced me to look deeper within myself.   I've been put on this path for the second time and this time I'm not going back to sleep. I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for but I know I need to continue on this path.  I've yet to 'unlock' anything in myself that would give me full knowing of anything that i've read on astral projection, life outside the body or after death, etc. However, since I've started meditating and working towards astral projection I've felt more peaceful and 'intune' that I ever have before.  I'm eating better, thinking better, meditating and I've all but stopped drinking.  I don't crave games or beer now, I crave silence and reading, learning.  Everyday I come home I just want to learn, that's my new 'addiction'. 

I always believed that your emotions in your dreams refect your true self.  Most of the dreams throughout my life that I actually remember consist of me being in fear, usually in a situation I can't escape (in one dream I had HIV, in another I was put in prison for life).  Always situations I can't escape.  About a month ago in meditation I started visualize white light to my chakras and visualize 'violet flames of protection around me, and 'ask' that the fear in my dreams go away.  Sure enough since then I have yet to have another negative dream.  While I rarely remember the detail of them I usually wake up with a certain 'feeling' of my dreams.  Lately I've been waking up 'feeling' like i've been seeing how things work in the universe.  Maybe this is all in my head, maybe it's a result of what i'm feeding my brain, but I feel I need to continue in this direction nevertheless. 

I'm not sure if any of this made sense or what my point is, or why the hell I rambled on so much, I just kinda wanted to introduce myself to the forums and vent a little.  I've been silent for a long time this helps me sort things out in a way.  Maybe some of you have 'awakening' experiences or advice you can share.

Anyways,
Best wishes

[Xanth]

I'll be honest, if I see a post of more than one paragraph on here I generally tend to just skim is REALLY quickly then move onto the next one.
But yours I actually read... and it was a good read, a very inspiring one too, as I've just recently taken the same kind of "second awakening" steps as you have.

I, too, have been locked in... well I wouldn't say an addiction... of games lately. 
I'll guess that the game in question for you is World of Warcraft?  >.> 
Anyways, yeah, my gf and I play just about every night... we raid three nights a week (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday)... well, I decided a month or so ago to continue back on my path of aikido training (which I stubbornly gave up 4 - 5 years ago).  My classes for that are Tuesday and Thursday... so I've had to cut back my raiding time with the guild for half days those two days. 

But now that I'm back in class training, I feel such a sense of excitement and intrigue... I feel sad when class ends, cause everything just feels so right.

Anyways, yeah... I understand exactly where you're coming from AND where you're going. 
Excuse my ramblings too.  hehe

Welcome to the forums. 

[Stookie]

Thanks for sharing smokeytehbear! It was very interesting to read. I can relate to a lot of it myself. The part of it that really resonates:

I don't crave games or beer now, I crave silence and reading, learning.  Everyday I come home I just want to learn, that's my new 'addiction'.

While in my own life I've found that the "craving" is stronger at some times than others, THAT'S when you know you're on the right path. That addiction is like a spiritual food.

Welcome to the AP!