I feel for you Urshebear!

I left home when I was 14 and never returned. It's been over 30 years now. I don't wish to explain why, but it was a really hard time in my life. I learned many lessons from that. It took a number of years to see that all that pain and suffering that I experienced as a child, made me who I am today, a person who feels empathy and has led a life of helping others. Through helping and healing others, I am also helped and healed. That has been my healing for many years now.
Forgiving is hard, forgetting is harder. Years ago some advise from Dolores Cannon really helped. She spoke of "removing contracts". The technique involves visualizing whoever it was that "hurt" you and then tearing up a "contract" between the two of you, while mentally stating that they are no longer a part of your reality. You can find more about this in YouTube videos. Dolores passed away a few years back.
It felt really weird to do, but I was up for anything at that point. It really did help. But, I had to do it many times. I finally felt it helping when I put the emotion and the true focus it needed into doing it. Just mentally saying the words and going through the procedure was not enough. I would go through the motions, but still the pain would return.
It's still hard at different times of the year. Christmas being one of them. I have a new Family now though. One that I can share my love and life with. When I get down, I look at what I have now, not what I left then. I try to live in the present. In my Dreams, I still relive some of the past horrors. If anything, that has become a very powerful Dream "trigger point" for me. I will see I am in the past and I will immediately take lucid control of the situation. So, in a way, I have found a way to use it to my advantage.
Like I said above, "I feel for you". I also know though, that you can and will get through this. You are strong. How can I tell? Because you are still here and battling on through life today!

They say "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger". I see this playing out in this World, in many circumstances and events everyday.
Here is one of those videos with Dolores explaining how to do it. The video is only 6 minutes long. The portion speaking of the "releasing contracts", starts at abut the 3 minute mark. This video is just a very brief introduction of it. You can find other videos where she goes deeper into the process on YouTube. I personally found it very helpful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpoQWN6REac We come to this realm here to experience. The "good, bad and ugly" are all experiences. Unfortunately many of our true life lessons are taught through the bad and ugly. We normally take advantage of the "good". So, many times, the "good" really goes unnoticed.