Healing and forgiveness

[urshebear]

Hi Guys,

I am looking for some guidance on how to heal from emotional trauma.

Day to day I am optimistic. I love my life but lately, I have been receiving messages that I need to heal the situation with my mother. Every time this comes up I end up a sobbing wreck. It's so frustrating because I thought I had dealt with this stuff. I thought I had forgiven and moved on. Perhaps I had just blocked my emotion in the past instead of dealing with it properly.

I don't know what else to do. I am not angry but whenever I think of the past, it hurts.


Here is a bit of my story for reference...

So when I was 5 years old I was sent to live with my Aunt for about a year. My mother later took me back but soon left me with another person who I did not know. Whenever I was with my mum as a child she was mostly not present. She worked but she also had a drinking and a gambling problem so I was left with my older brother a lot who often would beat me. I forgive him. It was a lot of pressure to lump on a teenager and I understand it would have been hard for him...

My father worked offshore and I watched as she drank away all his money, bringing home random men and sleeping with them in his bed.

We were constantly moving and I was dragged around to 14 different schools each time saying goodbye to friends and pets. I didn't see my wider family often and now that I am older, I don't really care to have a relationship with any of them.

Over the years, I have consequently taught myself to shut off to the world. I have become happy in my own company.

By the time I was 8, mum had beaten me and walked out and I was raised by my father from there on.

Dad was a drug addict who didn't have a lot of time for me but at the same time, I knew that he loved me very much. He would put his own needs above mine just the same as mum did but we would have deep conversations and he was honest. I valued the realness and our connection.

Dad committed suicide when I was a teenager.

I went back to live with my mum a few times but each time she would soon pack up and leave. I went with her once because I felt I had to but after that, I was taken in by friends.

Fast forward to adulthood...

My relationship with my mother has been one full of lies. She has continued to date multiple men (a new one every time I see her) and introduce them all to my children without my blessing. She picks at my weight, made huge scenes in the community where I live, put me down and never once been there for me without having her own agenda. She denies any wrongdoing not only in my childhood but ever and instead trash talks my father. I am a very honest person and denial grates me.

She has hated every single person who has supported me in my life and gone out of her way to connect with anyone who has hurt me. As an example, I had a boyfriend who was abusive and once I got away from that situation my mother tried to befriend the guy and take him out for coffee knowing full well what he did.

Over a year ago I finally decided to cut mum off after she was involved in the public bullying of a girl in my community after she was beaten to a pulp by her boyfriend (my cousin).

I have not spoken to her since then and have resumed my life surrounded by wonderful people. I am in a good place and she has never attempted to contact me.

For the most part, I am happy!

So why is there that niggle in the back of my mind? Emotional pain. Maybe it would go away if I forgive her again. She is blood and I don't have good relationships with any of my blood relatives.

Will I regret not resolving things by the time it's too late?

If I do try and resolve things will I end up in the same place as before? No apology, no acceptance, no results just disappointment.

If we are all connected, what makes a blood relative more important than those who come into your life unrelated but full of love and support?

Am I wrong for feeling happier away from my blood relatives?

If I don't speak to my mum (I would rather not), How can I fill this hole inside me?

Is cutting my mother off going to affect my spiritual growth? Will the issues continue on into my future lives until it's resolved?

If you made it to the end of this post, thank you. Any input would be much appreciated I really feel I need to release this hurt before the new year.

[Phildan1]

Besides this site is not for this purpose as you see those categories, I've read the whole story. I'm not an advisor but sometimes as I was active on Reddit, then on Quora lastly and I have some helpful articles on my site which helped maybe hundreds from thousands of readers (who knows), I have insights about it.

I can only say some here, maybe that helps, otherwise I only act privately to not disturb others with these subjects you know. This is not an easy life to deal with. I'm not a psychoanalyst somebody but I'm good at insights. Life teached me many stuff already and I like to share them if it helps. But mostly in PMs.

These people are a**holes, you can agree with it. Your parents are mentally ill, who have big physical life problems and they didn't even give you love. That's very clear. You did the right thing, cut off the connection and move on. Your life is what is important but if you did what you could from the right and from your heart and they are still like that, you are ok, they will need to deal with it. Chances are, they will end up in the BST regions in the Afterlife where they will continue with this attitude almost forever in physical time terms. You can't help others really and you can't tell others how to live. Just don't. Release those emotions once you are free now and don't hold any regret or others, not even because they are from your blood. That doesn't mean so much, you selected this family maybe with a good reason which you may didn't find out, maybe you start to see the big picture. Don't take part in dramas and emotional fights also.

These are big life lessons and I had my part in these too. This world if full of these mentally damaged people who are addicted, selfish, have low level of consciousness and they won't change. They are physical maybe for this reason too. Think about that, you may learnt much more than they were. So the best option is not holding any negativity and emotional baggage or you will end up with cancer. Your life just worths more than that. You know, these are life tests. I hope my thoughts could help. People tend to either thank me gratefully for these insights or stay silent lol.

Start 2019. with working on your emotions, attachments, just practice releasing them because they are very important for a good life in both worlds. Hard to do, I know. My family is full of selfish, low level of consciousness people too but not that bad geez.

[Lumaza]

 I feel for you Urshebear!  

 I left home when I was 14 and never returned. It's been over 30 years now. I don't wish to explain why, but it was a really hard time in my life. I learned many lessons from that. It took a number of years to see that all that pain and suffering that I experienced as a child, made me who I am today, a person who feels empathy and has led a life of helping others. Through helping and healing others, I am also helped and healed. That has been my healing for many years now.

 Forgiving is hard, forgetting is harder. Years ago some advise from Dolores Cannon really helped. She spoke of "removing contracts". The technique involves visualizing whoever it was that "hurt" you and then tearing up a "contract" between the two of you, while mentally stating that they are no longer a part of your reality. You can find more about this in YouTube videos. Dolores passed away a few years back.

 It felt really weird to do, but I was up for anything at that point. It really did help. But, I had to do it many times. I finally felt it helping when I put the emotion and the true focus it needed into doing it. Just mentally saying the words and going through the procedure was not enough. I would go through the motions, but still the pain would return.

 It's still hard at different times of the year. Christmas being one of them. I have a new Family now though. One that I can share my love and life with. When I get down, I look at what I have now, not what I left then. I try to live in the present.  In my Dreams, I still relive some of the past horrors. If anything, that has become a very powerful Dream "trigger point" for me. I will see I am in the past and I will immediately take lucid control of the situation. So, in a way, I have found a way to use it to my advantage.

 Like I said above, "I feel for you". I also know though, that you can and will get through this. You are strong. How can I tell? Because you are still here and battling on through life today!   They say "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger". I see this playing out in this World, in many circumstances and events everyday.

 Here is one of those videos with Dolores explaining how to do it. The video is only 6 minutes long. The portion speaking of the "releasing contracts", starts at abut the 3 minute mark. This video is just a very brief introduction of it. You can find other videos where she goes deeper into the process on YouTube. I personally found it very helpful.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpoQWN6REac

 We come to this realm here to experience. The "good, bad and ugly" are all experiences. Unfortunately many of our true life lessons are taught through the bad and ugly. We normally take advantage of the "good". So, many times, the "good" really goes unnoticed.

[EscapeVelocity]

I agree with the points Phildan1 and Lumaza are making and I will add a few others. Take what resonates with you and discard what doesn't.

I think that Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.

It sounds like you made many reasonable attempts to remain a part of your mother's and relative's lives; and they responded with anger, resentment and injury towards you. You did the right thing by cutting them off and walking away. Have no regrets, this is on them and not you. You reach a final point and realize that you cannot rescue them and must save yourself; it sounds like you did that.

In some metaphysical concepts we are initially bound to our 'blood relatives', like a set of contracts and agreements that pre-date our arrival into this world and tie us to one another for a certain set of experiences. But this is not a suicide pact and when it is clear that you have done your fair share, your part, you have made the emotional and active commitment to support them and work through these experiences with them...and they continually reject that and in return, offer only more suffering for you, then I think your obligation is ended and those contracts and ties are at an end. It is time to walk away.

For some of us, our 'true' family, our spiritual family is often found elsewhere, as friends and even strangers who become eventual family discovered along the path.

The 'niggling' feeling that you have, the 'hole' that you feel, may indeed be the regret and emptiness left behind. With respect to that idea, I am reminded of a profound moment in the book "The Prophet", by Kahlil Gibran, on the ideas of Joy and Sorrow-

"Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
   And he answered:
   Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
   And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
   And how else can it be?
   The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

-There is more to that passage but that was the part that captured me. And sadly, it seems apparent that the people who carved such sorrow into you will not be the ones to fill you with joy; but that's okay because you have found others who will and have.

 It could easily be said that, given the traumatic childhood and emotionally-dysfunctional later years in dealing with your family, that a fair amount of long-term therapy and counseling would be recommended. These are not issues that anyone works through in a week or three, much less by New Year's...this is difficult stuff that takes time to understand and work through. Given that, this being a metaphysical website only and not a substitute for expert medical advice, I would again agree with Phildan1 and Lumaza and stress that, from such a long and difficult life experience, you are likely carrying a load of negativity and emotional baggage. This literally becomes an emotional energy blockage and needs to be expelled; and not just through one session, but through many. Most all of us have these blockages in varying degrees and we must find ways to exhaust the negative energy. Lumaza points out a good technique in the D Cannon videos. I will offer another that Circumstance finally forced upon me and I use it on a regular basis as a kind of maintenance technique. I had no idea that this crap was in my subconscious, much less the severity of it.

It is a visualization that is similar to Cannon's, described in one of Kurt Leland's books and it helps to purge negative emotional baggage that floats in our subconscious unknown to us and restricts us from achieving deeper levels into the NP. He calls it "Cleaning the Astral Closet".
   We decide which particular set of negative emotions we wish to purge and through a personal visualization we exhaust their emotional power and expel them back into the universe. My particular visualization works this way- I see myself in a Boiler room, with a large steel furnace and a large pile of coal to feed it. I scoop up five to ten or more shovelfuls of coal and pitch them into the open furnace. I feel the heat, the sweat, the effort involved with each shovelful. The coal represents the negative emotion I am purging and each shovelful requires a straining effort that reminds me of the emotion involved (anger/frustration/pain/disappointment, etc); the heat of the furnace just adds to this. Eventually I slam the furnace door shut and stand back to witness the heat build in intensity until the top of the Boiler blows open and gray ash and sparks shoot into the night sky exhausted of its' energy and recycled into the cosmos. I feel the release within myself.

I stay open to however my subconscious or higher self may want to modify this visualization. If it wants to change from time to time, I let it. If after a few sessions, I feel a little lighter and clearer, then I am satisfied that the process is working. It is a very symbolic process but it is also working on a very fundamental and subtle energetic level that many of us (myself included) are initially unaware of.

Hope that helps some,
EV

[urshebear]

Wow!

You all are amazing!

Thank you so much for your helpful replies I forgot how much I love these forums.

It means the world to know that I am not the only one on a spiritual journey with emotional challenges. I have felt in the past that in order to be "zen" I have to shed these experiences entirely which is really difficult when they are a very real part of my current earth experience.

The confirmation that it's okay to cut the cord if it's inhibiting self-development is so reassuring and I needed that so much.

The energy of the last few months/weeks/days has been a lot.

I am so excited to try out the Dolores Cannon technique and the Kurt Leland one too. I think these will be tremendously helpful and would love to explore if my emotional baggage has created restrictions for me in the NP.

Lumaza, I love the idea of using dreams of past trauma as a trigger for lucidity.

EscapeVelocity, the passage you quoted is absolutely beautiful and you have sold me on the book  thank you so much.

Thank you all again, your combined words have been exactly what I needed.

[Xanth]

This is why I love this place!  <3<3

[Plume]

Hello Urshebear,
I really feel your pain and hope you got some help with all those advice here. it is about taking action to release the attachments, whatever way will impact you and creates a final point of resolution. Tears and crying is a very powerful release, work wonders for me... I say this because you also said something about forgiveness. I have to admit it is hard to understand what that would mean. it is not clear for most people. I even think it make us feel like that it is ok what they do and the harms they cause to others. Hard to say where the source of this disfunction family members get caught into, but here is a things that helped me deal with resentment towards my father, I felt it was not healthy for me to keep those feeling without some form of forgiveness, not that I was planning all this to happen but it did. When my boy was born ,which happen at 40, I had many emotion come to the surface. Obviously All the family connection suddenly felt that they were much more meaningful. I would look at my baby breast feeding and would cry thinking how sad it would be for any child to not have such an important bond. I thought about my father that did not have this chance with is mom for reason of her difficulty to care for him. At that time, while feeding my baby , I deeply thought of him and cry to that thought about my father and gave him all that love I felt , all throught tears and deep emotion, I imagined him as a baby receiving this, asking forgiveness or giving it , not sure which order that thought was...then again maybe its better not to think about it, just let it flow. If you need to forgive someone whatever that means ,  maybe it is helpful to see them like a baby and give them that energy that is truly from the heart and let it go where ever it needs to go. I did not make this up, I realized this from a book from Louise hay. Really important one in my opinion for healing.
so much pain we can witness when you open your heart to this world... some people come to heal and maybe that is a part of your gift.
Plume

[GrumpyRabbit]

Wow, I'm super late to the party when it comes to this thread (and this entire category on the forum), but for anyone who happens to stumble back here, be it Urshebear or another:

If you have been through emotional, physical, or sexual trauma, I highly recommend two kinds of therapeutic modalities: EMDR and/or Somatic Experiencing. EMDR involves bilateral stimulation to help your limbic system process past trauma. It's highly validated in studies, and is used a lot with veterans (for instance). Somatic Experiencing is a great complementary modality to EMDR, and is a body-oriented approach that further helps release any trauma stored in the body. Both of these modalities are well-studied and proven over and over to be very effective for trauma. Plain 'ol talk therapy is generally proven to be ineffective, or outright re-traumatizing. I hope these resources might help anyone who is in need!