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Author Topic: My story  (Read 1719 times)
Blackstream
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« on: June 15, 2004, 19:07:59 »

Your writing style of many small fragments (i.e., "A young man riding on a horse. Forest. Trees as far as the eye can see. The gravel road meandered like a snake."), is more jarring to my reading experience than poetry like.  When it stops so much like that it tears me out of the immersion I have into the story and halts it while I move to the next sentence because... I dunno... it doesn't flow or something.

Someone else can probably explain it better than I.  Other than that it looks alright to me.
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There is no spoon
Eol007
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« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2004, 20:04:19 »

Oh, do not be put off! I assume the jolly speak of English is not your mother tongue! By the way who are your target audience (age etc)?

Good stuff...Keep writing,


Stephen [Smiley]
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The Astral Pulse
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2004, 20:04:19 »

logoVisit the website of Astral Pulse creator Adrian Cooper.

Home of the best selling book Our Ultimate Reality.

Astral Projection, Metaphysics and many other subjects.

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Gwathren
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« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2004, 12:47:01 »

Thank you very much for the feedback. I understand it was difficult to read it. Even my posts remain blurry.

I've had the idea in my head for some 2-3 years now and it's evolving all the time. Actually I have the whole thing quite ready in my head. But to put it on paper (or...in my case, to type it on the screen[Cheesy]) is  quite something else. Plus, my language is not remarkably good in my native language either. Buuut...I hope it evolves. Don't know about the target audiance. I wouldn't want to make a childrens' book. I've got far too serious background built up and too many philosophical issues there. But, you know...to put that all in words...and actually choose the right words...that's the tough point. And the time it consumes... But I'm 17, so I hope I've still got time.

But yeah, thanks, I'll try to keep writing and rewriting.[Smiley]
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"Everything returns as before, and there is nothing new under the Sun, and man never changes although his clothes change and also the words of his language change."
Mika Waltari "Sinuhe"
Gwathren
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« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2004, 19:02:37 »

Here's the beginning of my book. I'd really like your comments.

A young man riding on a horse. Forest. Trees as far as the eye can see. The gravel road meandered like a snake. But the sun was shining brightly and the wind made him to travel farther. From far the rider looked like a dust-ball. About 20 years old with an inexpressive face. You could see easily that he was excited, but not one of the trespassers understood what could have made him angry. It certainly wasn’t the weather or the road. He had a serious face, dark eyebrows and deep green eyes. Short black hair was fluttering in the wind – he had no hat or helmet. He was in a hurry. Not caring of others on the road, the rider galloped towards a little inn at the border of the forest and a vast meadow. If the walkers tried to investigate him, they could only see that he wasn’t rich for he wore only an old gaberdine and no armor. A big knife was his only seeable treasure. To go and pass the night in the inn was the only thing our rider had in mind and as the sky was slowly getting darker, he decided in favor of that  local guesthouse. Reached the tavern, he saw a stableboy and told him to take care of the horse.
The fellow gave him an indifferent glance and muttered with a half-smile:
„Some people really don’t know where they belong…“
In front of the shack there was nothing remarkable – a couple of local drunkards, some fortune-seekers and a few peasants. Nobody even noticed the appearing of a newbie.
But at once all the common people turned their heads to see what was happening on the road. They could hear fanfars. Someone was coming. Our rider went closer to the road. It was a group of cavaliers dressed into baize. The cloth was beautiful and they all looked the same. But no! He now noticed a woman. She wore a golden robe and was clearly the leader there. Each comer had the same emblem on his chest. The golden sabre on a green acorn-leaf decorated their flag too.
The woman came closer to our rider who was still admiring the group.
„Are we standing in front of the tavern of Iselflodt?“ she asked.
„Greetings to you too, milady, but unfortunatly I can’t tell you that, for I don’t know it myself.“
„Hey, now wait just a minute there! A little respect! Have you got any idea of who you are talking to here?“ She had now removed her golden helmet and revealed the beautiful wavy blonde hair.
„I guess I have to admit that no,“ smiled the man having seen how a few more sober guys had fallen from their chairs, „but I’m sure you’ll enlighten me right away“.
The woman’s face changed since although some drunkards were now laying on the floor of the veranda, the young man had remained cold as ice. Now she looked him again, but wasn’t able to see anything in these smart and somehow so unhappy pair of deep-green eyes.
„Who do you think you are? Just a little boy! Hear me, you fool! I’m the ruler of these green lands and I have come here to speak with lord Unnowius!“
„And what is it that you want of me? I’m nobody’s lord, but I sure as hell am called Unnowius.“
The face of the woman was undescribable. It was angry and yet so beautiful…and it changed so quickly…She was charming…then intimidating…and now…he noticed it…there was fear…she had lost it dor a moment…and they both knew it. But he didn’t have wavy blonde hair or a hundred bodyguards with him. Her eyes seemed to be in fire..
„You…I must be in the wrong place…you go back to the circus from which you hopped out from…really, o most honoured lord…. Idiots, that’s what I call men like you!“
„I must ask you to take your words back, milady!“
„Whaaaaat? Listen, fools like you…“
The third look at the young man. She was mad of anger and he was enjoying it. But now she also noticed anger. What kinda game was this? The whole situation made her more and more angry. She was hesitating. A guard slowly pulled out his sword. It was just as green as his coat.
She knew this guy would be trouble.
„Get away from my sight! Forever! Guard, ahead! The prophet was mistaken. Back to the citadel! Execute Theoderus! And as for you…my Unnowius…I will declare you an outlaw. A bounty on your head! But I get to say when the hunting season starts! She smiled. It was the smile of an angel.
They sounded the fanfares and the young man was left alone in the dust that covered his coltes and made him look even poorer. He heard the words of the drunkard from behind:
„Oh yeah, You’re in deep trouble…unless you’re the disguised caesar, of course… hahahah“
After that little demonstration of his skills as a comedian, the guy slipped, fell and started snoring…The young man entered his room. It looked more like a closet..but what had he wanted then? A palace?
Nobody slept that night. The sun set early. Our young man had a nightmare. He dreamt of ancient caesars, tales of bravery, kings and queens, dragons, wars, wizards, empires and adventures, that only happen in your imagination. He was standing in a great hall. There were no doors or windows. Just the vast hall. And hell…he saw hell…down there…at his feet…no! up there! above him! he felt pain…he was burning…and it didn’t stop….there was so much pain…. Until he awoke and saw the old wooden ceiling again. He felt so cold. It was as he was dead. He tried to get back to sleep. That open window disturbed him, but it was still dark, so he returned into his dreams…
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"Everything returns as before, and there is nothing new under the Sun, and man never changes although his clothes change and also the words of his language change."
Mika Waltari "Sinuhe"
The Astral Pulse
   



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