The Astral Pulse

Astral Chat => Welcome to Astral Chat! => Topic started by: James S on August 30, 2004, 02:02:54

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: James S on August 30, 2004, 02:02:54

Thanks for the laugh Nay. They were great!


Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: kiauma on August 30, 2004, 12:05:03
Ha!  Those are great!!!  [:D][8D]

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: Wadit7x on August 30, 2004, 19:10:40
... :/ hmmm... zZZZzzzZZZZzzZZZZzzzzzZZZZ

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: Nay on August 30, 2004, 20:11:37
You know you could have just not said anything....but to go out of your way to be rude, I just don't get it.  


Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: Gandalf on August 30, 2004, 20:40:04
Oscar Wilde was a master of one liners:

'Only boring people are good at breakfast.'

'I can resist everything except temptation.'


Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: funinfloating111 on August 31, 2004, 00:43:54
i got a good laugh outa those [^] jokes like that make me laugh really hard, thanks

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: Nagual on August 31, 2004, 06:14:50
If you like quotes:

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: Kodemaster on September 07, 2004, 03:49:33
If liverwurst is made from liver, than what is bratwurst made from? - Me

If a dog ain't broken, don't fix it...[xx(] - My uncle

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: AntiGravity on September 09, 2004, 19:37:55
LOL, I had a lot of fun reading these. I guess I got one that I made up. If the s*** hits the fan, whose job is it to clean it up?[:D]
Take care!

What, does every topic just suddenly die after I post?!? Man, that really sucks, lol.

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: Varner-LaPrade on September 16, 2004, 14:06:07
Don't worry Anti-gravity it always happens to me too.[:o)]

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: no_leaf_clover on September 16, 2004, 23:21:19
Originally posted by Varner-LaPrade

Don't worry Anti-gravity it always happens to me too.[:o)]

Yeah but the post won't officially be dead until I post this post, unless somebody just wants to spite me. Otherwise should work.

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: ralphm on September 17, 2004, 02:20:34
"by the time a man can read a woman like a book,
he is too old to collect a library"
I just found this one on the internet yesterday. Check out the anarchist librarians-,1294,64945,00.html ,

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: Varner-LaPrade on September 17, 2004, 12:00:30
Ralpalm You are ruining noleafs godliness by posting that and for that.

He will deliver doom to you

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: volcomstone on September 19, 2004, 15:05:42
"And on the other hand... we have different fingers."  - JACK HANDEY

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: Nay on September 19, 2004, 16:37:02
Originally posted by volcomstone

"And on the other hand... we have different fingers."  - JACK HANDEY

Hehe! I just loved the "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy on Mad TV.  A big part of the thoughts being funny is the guy reading the deep thoughts, all slow and in that monatone voice, with that sappy music in the background.. too funny!

Here are some more.[:D]

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." .

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
f you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.  

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

Nay [:D]

Title: Funniest One-Liners
Post by: Nay on August 29, 2004, 16:49:45
I came across these in the Readers Digest, thought I'd share. [^]

"When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his name was Always." - Rita Rudner

"Women don't want to hear what you think.  Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice." -Bill Cosby

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." -Roseanne Barr

"I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me." -Ronnie Shakes

"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it." -Bob Hope

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the NBA is chinese." -Chris Rock

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

"Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." -Jeff Valdez

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." -Lily Tomlin

"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the eintire weekend." -Zenna Schaffer

"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens." -Woody Allen

"If you haven't got anything good to say about anyone, come and sit by me." -Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." -Mae West

"I just recently had my Visa card stolen.  Now it's everywhere I want to be." -Scott Wood

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." - H.L. Menchen

"I drink to make other people interesting." -George Jean Nathan

"Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac." -George Carlin

"Instant gratification takes too long." -Carrie Fisher

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" - Robin Williams

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" -Phyllis Diller

"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better." -Maureen Murphy

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.  Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." -Robert Wilensky

Nay [;)]