Messages

Firstly thanks for the answers. It is nice to see that even though this thread is getting boringly long I still get response.

Then I would like to explain why I am what it being perceived as plainly rude towards Tom. That is because he interests me and I deeply admire the way he writes his answers to me – they just seem so correct every time. I myself am a very incorrect person I say things that doesn't make sense I even write things that might sound as if they make sense, but in reality they don't. And I am aware of that therefore my curiosity is great when I encounter people that have abilities that I want to have but do not have. Then I want to find out how that person can be this way because I have only tried being in my own way and I am therefore skeptical about people being different from me. So in order to validate that other persons are not just other "me"s with a massive fear as me I scratch the surface in order to be sure that "I" am not on the inside being suppressed in that person. That is something I have always done. I am doing it so that I at the end won't get hurt for believing in something that was false.

So Tom, I want to believe in you and I am just looking for a way to determine whether you are really as good as you appear or just another me. I can't use another me for anything because I know myself and I know where I have brought myself and I want to go somewhere ells.

I am sorry if I have offended you – which I hope I did not especially for the reason above.

greatoutdoors: I also believe in good and evil exist – for me and that's the problem. I do not believe in good and evil as universal truth for everyone. As I wrote before I think it is just a phenomenon that because I find it bad to be scratched with a rake that you also find it bad. If we try to label "being scratched with a rake" as bad, then what would happen if I scratched a elephant with a rake, it would probably like it because its skin is so thick it wouldn't get hurt from it making "being scratched with a rake" good.

The bad thing for me about thinking this way is that I take it to the extreme - to test if it is true. Like you do in math to ensure that a formula is valid – you try a variety of numbers and check if it still gives a correct result. When I take this thinking to the extreme I in a way feel the world dissolving around me and I feel very alone because the things that I consider true are only truly true to me and not anybody ells and I can therefore not trust anybody. This would not be a problem if I just trusted myself though.

Now what I deep deep down hope you will do now is to say that what I am writing is in no way making any sense to you and that you will correct me where I am wrong and tell me what universal truth is and back it up with down-to-earth examples that I can understand. Make me say :oh I see now"
But I guess that you can't and that will prove my own thoughts and then I am back where I started..... at my own confusion.

I just realized something.... my day is actually totally constructed upon eating. When I think of something nice to do, it involves eating.... Jesus.... my mind is too focused on eating. I find now that i do not know what to do!!
Normally I would have looked for something to eat and prepared it and that whole process would have killed some time.
But now... I really need a hobby  

So i guess that i now have passed the 24 hour mark. How do I feel? Well.... I really don't feel much, I was expecting vomiting sensations and cramps and hair loss but I get none of those. But hey perhaps if I just wait some more it will come...

I did experience one weird thing though.... I dreamt of ketchup - insane amounts of ketchup everywhere and i was pouring it onto a giant plate and it was really really weird!!!

If I am not able to FLY at the end of my fast.... I will get very mad!
Did I btw. mention that I still feel about 30% dumber? Well I do and that's not cool!

I have started my fast today! If i am counting from when I got up, I have now had 15 hours of not eating. The worst thing is what it is doing to my mind... I feel 30% dumber and my reaction time has increased, I sure hope there will be some benefits in doing this.... well I hope I can keep it up for 14 days if it doesn't get any worse than this it is no problem at all.
I have been drinking a lot of water and my pee is as clear as crystals.... I might even bottle it and sell it to that "new-age" shop (which is where I bought that totally expensive maple syrup from) and sell it as mountain spring water... LOL

I sure hope that toxins are not just some made-up hippie-crap that is used to make us buy some expensive and useless stuff in order for certain people to make a lot of money.

What exactly is a "toxin" ? Can I see a picture?

Well I will just wait and see if this does any good to me. I actually think it  will be mentally damaging for me when i watch my family eat home made pizza tomorrow...... I love home made pizza  

That maple syrup is some expensive sh*t!!!

How many liters must i drink a day? I do not hope it is much above 1 liter!!! because then i am going to get ruined buying maple syrup  

Well I will go to my local hippie shop and buy some.

Costs 8$ for 150 milliliters.... that is crazy! So I hope this fast!! is going to be worth it.

Ps. I have not eaten anything today, so I guess this is the start of my fast, I will report on how I am doing. Right now I am getting hangover associations and I have difficulties thinking straight. Other from that it is going well

EDIT: oh I found out that it is actually 8$ for 250 milliliters still crazy  

I can see how that makes sense from a Buddhist point of view. But I have found that you just cannot "be" in this world. Our bodies require doings in order to stay alive.

I don't think that you can apply those philosophies while you are still build into this flesh vessel - it will create misery to try and fight against. You cannot ignore your body. It is real now and you simply have to deal with it. Accept the need for doing and allow yourself to dream of a being without doing.

It is not possible to just be right now, if you think it is, then maybe you are simply ignoring things and I think that you should acknowledge everything and act out from it.

Tom I have been wondering about you. You mystify me. All of your answers seem so robotically correct and emotion free (is that a correct observation?) No sign of feelings or doubt or anything ells that i would describe as human. What do you yourself think you are? I am curious. I never see any kind of "chit-chat" or smalltalk coming from you. How come? Have you simply evolved beyond that?

I am not intending to be arrogant here (well if you think i am, to hell with me intentions huh ?) I have just been wondering and i guess that is to expect that a person like me would throw out such questions without any reservation. Well i have the choice to "edit" my way of appearing, but i choose not to because this is the way i am. So I just wounder, are you edited?

Hmm I guess that i know what you are going to say..... surprise me!

Second, and more pertinent to your question, I found out unequivocally that the truth is highly different from one person to another.

That is also the conclusion that I have come to. But then i think that truth is overrated. If truth is so subjective then what is the point of calling something true when it is only true to you - doesn't it loose its credit then?

for example: I think that the zebra is black with white stripes and you think that the zebra is white with black stripes. What is the truth about the zebra then? The only truth can then be that there is no truth. Truth is an illusion. It is just coincidences and phenomenons that we seem to agree on the same things.
I think that is caused by us having the same bodies or at least similar bodies with similar senses.

I actually think that all labels such as "good" and "bad" and "true" and "false" are just bi-products of how the world feels to our bodies and that we therefor should take "truth" with a grain of salt.

I hope that i will some day learn astral projection. Because I have a feeling of that "truth" has a quite different meaning in the astral, not like anything I have ever known before.


Well it can't hurt to imagine

Well i can promise you that once it is over you are going to feel great. I am so thankful for that I done now, it was really beginning to annoy me. Especially the philosophy exam was a grump

oh well, i have to return my books tomorrow so i guess i am not totally free yet... but tomorrow hallelujah

EDIT:

Gd luck with your fast(e?) Smile

there is no E in fast? oh... you learn something every day

I feel ten times lighter now. I have finished those damn agonizing exams and now I will taste the delightful taste of my complete and restriction-less unlimited freedom. I have no where I have to go. No things that I have to do, no duties not anything, just 1½ month of total freedom. It is an awesome feeling; I didn't know that the air would actually smell sweeter now that I have no obstacles in front of me. It is great!!

Now I can totally focus my attention on matters that I find interesting, and not feel guilty about it because that I am mend to do homework

Well I need your help on one of my projects; I am going to faste for 14 days! That is at least what I am planning and therefore I need to get a diet that won't kill me but in stead have all the nutrients my body supposedly needs.
It was Souljah333 that recommended me to do it and now that knightlight also seems to have done it without dying I think it must be my turn then

I have found this recipe for some wicked drink that should keep me alive through the whole thing
Here it goes :

keep seeing all these different figures for making the lemonade in bulk and I have no idea where folks are getting their figures from or if maybe they're just very bad at math ;+D. Below is the "correct" amounts for making bulk quantities of the lemonade.

To make 30 oz or approx 1 quart (32 oz) 3 drinks

24 oz water

3oz lemon Juice

3oz maple syrup

3/10ths tsp cayenne


For 60 oz approx half gallon(64oz) - 6 drinks - Multiply quart recipie x2

For 120 oz approx 1 gallon (128 oz) = 12 drinks - Multiply quart recipie x4

I have to get those oz translated to good old universal litres and millilitres but besides of that what do you think of it? Does it miss anything? Will that be enough? How much should I drink and how often.

Is there something I should be prepared for? Any good advices etc etc?

Hey that sounds great. I am actually planing to go on a faste in the summervercation myself, something that Souljah333 recommended and now also you!

well tell more. what ells has happened to you? how about your thinking ability, has the fasting changed that in anyway or is it still the same?

were you on some kind of diet, if yes, which one ?

i am planing on doing 14 days of faste but I doubt I can stand it for more than 3 hours  

well what have you found out then, it would be great if i could just skip that whole confusing painful part and just get to the answers

please elaborate  

yeah blessed be the day when I have sorted out my belief system and found a "road" which I cannot see anything wrong with walking on.

But now things are more than ever a total chaos for me. I am trying to find some kind of reason for doing things just some sort of reason for living and acting. And more and more I am coming to the conclusion that there is no reason no ultimate reality that I can cling to. So perhaps I should give this whole search for meaning and higher purpose some extra thought.
Perhaps meaning is something made up by us stupid ignorant zombie like humans so that we would feel "secure". Perhaps this whole feeling of security is a false construct...

More and more I question this whole "thinking" that I do all the time. Is everything meant to be thought trough, what will happen if I do not think things through? Is more better than less? From whose perspective? Who are judging us? If no one is judging us then there is no official and secure road in life. What is false and what is true, who are there to teach us that besides ourselves and is it even right to trust one self? What in life should I treasure? Etc. etc.

Really things are seaming more confusing than they ever were. I have had one year of philosophy and that has actually made me despair more than it has enlightened me, or perhaps that "enlightenment" has made me see things that I did not like. But why did I not like it? because that it goes against what I have always known and thought as true?

This constant questioning is beginning to annoy me. I am tired of having my fundament ripped away from under my feet with the message of that I has to make my own fundament based on what I think is true. Well I know nothing!! How the H£ll can I know what is right? I barely even know myself so it makes me angry when I am told that I am supposed to make up my own path in life... well I have no idea on what to do, how do I make meaning to my own life? It is like an abyss of infinite freedom.... How should I know what to choose or where to go?

Perhaps there is something fundamentally wrong with my thinking..... but hey who dare tell me that when my thinking is made by me and therefore is true to me and to my life and my way. Nobody can tell me that I am doing anything wrong as there is no such thing as "wrong" and your definition of wrong is useless to me as I find it true and by doing that it becomes true to me.


That was just a fragment of the endless dialogue that I am having with myself all the time. And I don't know whether I should just stop thinking in that way or think even more and deeper and really take every thought out the very extreme of its meaning.

So I say again. Blessed be the day when I find some sort of meaning in this mess.

I have thought about buying Roberts books. At least the astral dynamics so I can fully understand what is happening and why.

And I do not think of Robert as a corrupt either. From my point of view he actually seams to be really a nice guy! I have listened to the radio shows with him and he just has so much to say about astral projection and I think he could talk forever about. And even when he has said a million times that people should go buy his book if they want to learn astral projection and some redneck guy who haven't reasearched this topic at all asks if Robert could teach him how to astral project. And even considering all the times Robert must have heard that question he just calmly goes ahead and tells him about some ladder technique. Now that is self-preservation

But there are a lot of things I should read!! I guess I can really begin to focus on it about a year from now, then I have finished high school!!!

EDIT: you have a quite enlightened wife there then! She should write a book based on "the stuff just out there"

Yes I guess you that can harvest the credit of bringing me that experience. The clearness of the dream was nothing to what I experience in "real life" but it was much clearer than any dream I have ever had even considering that I almost never am able to remember anything from my dreams.

I enjoyed your article very much it is obvious that you have put a lot of time into that focus 10 research. Even as much as 300 hours

Well one of the other things in your article that I really liked was the quote from your friend?

Awareness itself has no concern for its image. Only when your awareness attaches itself to what is convenient, owns that what it is experienced, then a fixed pattern comes in, an awareness checking up on itself- making thought the object of thought by separating yourself from it- trying to own it and seeking a solution. Awareness fixated on itself, centred around itself and observing itself like a prison guard directing and controlling other thought. Taking care of those prisoners who abide to his rules and punishing those who don't. He has given power to itself to wield over the prisoners, but he doesn't realise he is in the prison himself, that he is no different from the prisoners. He believes he is more important and powerful than the prisoners, that he is different from them - separated.

The memory of the light outside the prison walls is long gone as he was trained to be a guard. Until he realises that all the wielding of power is useless when he himself can never go outside. Until he sees he is no different at all than what he tries to control, that in the outer world this control is meaningless except for himself, only then maybe he changes his life cause he will see the meaninglessness himself. Then he will drop the need for self-esteem the prisoners gave him. He will no longer be attached to the prisoners. No longer trying to hold them. He will drop everything and leave. Freeing the prisoners and himself at the same time to experience a world outside of the prison walls, a more expansive way of living.

There is no loss of living if we would give the prison guard less importance even though we fear that there will be. We tend to give the part of ourselves that holds the opinions about the "whole" of us the most importance. In reality it is only about holding a fixed moment still, to be reflected upon. Holding still in that moment, the present is lost with only the past functioning. We do this as we are in need of constant reminder of ourselves - that we exist. Can you see that the ending of this constant focus on ourselves has nothing to do with the loss of self, but that it brings upon us a fear that the self has become in danger of being lost, of not being in control? It is far more peaceful to feel yourself as pure energy. An energy that can move freely. The real meaning of identification is simply to attach a word to something so that the next time you see it you can recognize it. You'll relate it to an image of what you identified before rather than seeing something new. So to "identify yourself" is to maintain a certain image, prison around yourself that can never change.

Nothing is lost if we give this focus less importance cause the self will continue to exist. It's simply removing an "identification" fixation, a crystalized structure. Purifying the self instead of destroying it. A far more expansive self, as it will move into areas of existence it never before had the chance to move into. As it is now, any movement towards an expansive state of consciousness is constantly pulled back into by an authoritative part of ourselves demanding that all our movements remain in line with the image we have ourselves. The slightest deviation from what we perceive ourselves to be is stopped by us being alarmed and feeling the need to hold the moment in time so that it cannot go further

I am still trying to fully understand it but I think it is great anyway. At least it makes me think in new ways.

Well I guess I will go all the way and read Frank's thoughts about phasing, and NOT try to do it right after, but wait a couple of days to let it sink in and then try. That nightmare experience was quite "educative" in terms of not rushing blindly towards something

EDIT: i noticed a copyright mark on your article.... i hope you are not going to sue me for quoting from it  

Hey thanks for the posting. You have quite a lot of interesting thoughts there. At least to me.
Well I was actually waiting for this topic to slowly pass away and be forgotten, as I simply could not pull myself together to write anything more in it.

This process of writing actually requires that you focus your mind on what you want to write and actually think the whole thing through in you head and then validate if it is something worth writing. The thought of that whole process can sometimes feel a little overwhelming but now that I AM writing it doesn't seem so bad

Well to do some follow ups I have chosen to think about selfishness in a specific way. It is all right!
I guess that I had an extreme view on selfishness that would label anything that benefits you as selfish. But I have now come to the conclusion that selfishness is not a bad thing. Everybody is selfish to some extend but when it doesn't hurt anyone then I guess it is okay.

Concerns, in my opinion, about selfish desires only act as a roadblock to doing anything in this world.

I have come to that conclusion as well.

And to the energywork. I have never ever felt anything spontaneously like energy sensations and vibrations and lucid dreaming (actually I am lucky if just recall fragments of my dreams) and certainly not out of body experiences.
My spiritual research started about one and a half years ago when I was trying to analyse some Tool (music band) lyrics found in the song "Third eye" and some guy posted a link to www.astralvoyage.com where this Anne Varnes explains the function of the third eye. I just began reading at that site and I was insanely excited of this whole concept of astral travel. It sounded almost unreal and I had my doubts if this was just some sort of fantasy novel she was writing.

Well one thing let to another and then I wanted to try it. So I tried to relax all the best I have learned and I simply waited for these vibrations and "exit sensations" to come..... but they never came. And I know that you must think that I am doing something wrong you probably think that I am trying too hard or any of the other obvious things that everybody who has tried astral travel warns about.
Well I am still trying sometimes just to see if perhaps NOW am able, but I still feel nothing. At least in the category of vibrations and exit sensations.

Yesterday I actually read Major Tom's massive article on Focus 10 as I have tried the Monroe experience (have all the cd's actually) but I didn't get very far with it so I thought that maybe I relaxed in the wrong way or something like that.
Well I read the whole thing last night and that brought a lot of thoughts to my head. I know that when you try to astral project then you cannot have your head filled with thoughts and concerns but Major Tom's thoughts of Focus 10 filled my head and I of course wanted to go again and try to reach this Focus 10. So I was extremely focused last night as I went to bed (I guess this was my error huh?). and I kept saying to myself "relax relax relax". Well my body in no way went to sleep BUT I experienced something ells!!!
I think that I the most lucid dream I have ever had! Well I don't know if it was lucid as you know it, but I have nothing ells to compare to as my dreams are the only ones I have experienced and therefore I stick to calling my dream a lucid dream ok ?
Well actually it was not a dream, it is the most terrifying insanely fear inspiring nightmare I have ever had... EVER!!! I was so scared I thought I would die from fear. And when I woke up, it didn't feel like a normal wakeup, I just kinda became aware of that I was lying with my eyes wide open just staring straight into my wall.
There I lay for some time before I decided to sit up. I sat up and did nothing but looking into the wall for 15 minutes. Then I walked a bit around in my room with my body slightly shaking. It was 3 in the morning and I seriously did not want to go back to sleep.

My dream was actually very weird and I am surprised that I felt such fear from it. It was about the supernatural.
I dreamt that I was in my home and then a lot of radios suddenly turned on. Old radios I think there were 9 of them. I can't remember what sounds came out of them but it definitely scared me. Then I shut them off and the scene changes. I was in my living room and my cat was standing in front of me. Then another cat appeared besides it.... well it ended with me killing the other cat with a huge chair because it was weird. It disappeared when I moved the chair....... which I in the end killed it with ( yes it sounds weird I know...)
But I guess it was a step in the right direction.

I actually have a theory of why I have not experienced vibrations or OBE's. it is because that I do not want to....
When I go to bed I always have this idea of eternal peaceful sleep in my mind. I never really want to wake up again. The only thing that I want to do is sleep and enjoy the "nothingness" it brings. Well I guess that my wish is quite powerful huh? That would explain why I almost never have lucid or semi lucid dreams. Because I deep down don't want to. I want to escape this reality not just go into another one – loose consciousness. Well I can see how that does not go hand in hand with OBEs
I guess it is an attitude problem. I guess it could be a depression problem... it could be a motivation problem which I think is the most likely. When I think about it. I have enough "reality" here on this dense low vibrating cold and hearthless (yes I tend to get melodramatic hehe) place for now, I just feel that I should explore this place a little more before I start urging for another place. I don't think I can stomach all these realities right now. Perhaps I am too young...
Wasn't Robert Monroe around 50 or 60 when he started astral projecting? He got a long way even though he was old he even founded an institute.
Perhaps I too should wait?

Damn... I made the post too long. Hmm I guess it is time for you to put your arms around you and clap yourself on your shoulder because you read through this whole thing

You are lucky that you didn't destroyed your RAM modules by that. They are designed to a certain voltage, and when you raise voltage level they will overheat or won't work at all. The same with processor.

well actually even if i had given them too much power the possibility og me actually destroying my modules is relatively low as the system tends to shut down when the modules become unstable due to the increased power.

when you increase the MHz on a cpu you can do that to a point, then the processor becomes unstable, to get pass that state of instability you add more power (volt) to the cpu, this will make the processor capable of running the specified MHz but it will of course also produce more heat hence the increasing need for better cooling
it is the same with ram. if you have a 333 MHz ram module and you overclock it to 400 MHz, you will (in order to achieve stability) have to increase the volts and a small increase in the volts is something most modules can handle. but they of course get warmer.

most computer hardware is actually pretty hard to kill even if you try to, as i wrote before, the system will either just freeze or restart or it won't start up at all if the settings are too extreme, it will not burn down in a sea of flames - that is a myth.
but of course there are cases of cpu's that have died due to overheating and the same with RAM.

EDIT:

sitting around the computer meditation and sending "positive energy" to it will not do much hehe, computers are cold and hearthless

Not always. 20 gb laptop drive started working again after I sent some healing energy to it. Smile

Hahaha, i simply do not believe you  

I have build my own compute (ordered the parts and put them together myself) and when things "f*ck up" i am forced to deal with them myself and sometimes things f*ck up even more.
when i go into the bios and give my RAM modules some more volts in the believe of that it will bring stability to the system.... that actually just brought a black screen to the system, but that is not important

but if you have bought your computer at a store, i beg you. send the problem to them, then THEY can deal with it and if they f*ck something up it is their responsibility and you can just lean back and do nothing

but if you take pride to fixing everything yourself then you can try this:

if the problem was not there in the beginning (the thing where it will not start up) then you can do what cocademon said, reset the bios. that should fix alot.
at least it sounds hardware related when the computer refuses to start up, that has nothing to do with spyware and unnecessary programs installed on your hard drive, because at that point the harddisk is not even accessed.

so i would recommend to check if the power cables are firmly inserted (especially on your motherboard).

then, if you have two ram modules, try to take one of them out and see if that does anything. in my experience ram modules can by very faulty and cause instability. i have lowered the timings on my RAM modules because otherwise they are unstable.


and then i will recommend you to go to a REAL computer g33k site, as far as i know this is a spiritual forum and i doubt that people fiddle much with computers
sitting around the computer meditation and sending "positive energy" to it will not do much hehe, computers are cold and hearthless

but again, send the annoying thing to the store.

hey i know, Psan posted the links a few posts ago

Well i am at least glad that my number is 19:11 and not 11:11 if 11:11 is the number of evil...

i wonder what happens if you dial it on the phone? you get Satan inc. or what ?

oh sorry, didn't see your post there

so what you are saying is that i actually can meet myself in the astral?? well am i then me, or is this person in the astral then me?

i am not really sure i understand though..

could somebody explain the idea of reincarnation where this concept of "no time in the astral" is incorporated and do it in a way that makes just a little sense ?

This is just a thought that occurred to me. It is said that you reincarnate here on earth, i don't know how many times (i haven't counted them yet sorry ) then it is also said that you can talk to deceased people in the astral.

so my question is, can you meet everybody that dies in the astral afterwards?

and people who die, do they reincarnate? if yes, then you can't meet "them" in the astral.... or can you?

i was just wondering (as always) because I seem to notice that everybody can talk to deceased relatives via mediums or whatever. well, do relatives not reincarnate or what ?

i have at least come to doubt the thing about reincarnation as you seem to be able to meet all your old friends and familymembers in the astral. you would not be able to do that if they have reincarnated here on earth..... or what?

then, if i have lived before, that means that i must have died before also (whoa guess that is the ultimate in terms of logics huh?), could i have a astral copy of my previous self floating around in the astral... or at least some thing containing the essence of my previous self?


Yes people, throw in your cents

chill, bittorrent is much safer to use than most filesharing software. you only share what you download unlike DC++ for instance, there you must share around 30 gigabytes or so in order to gain access to the good hubs, and that is a lot of files you can get busted for!

in Denmark we have the APG, which is a firm like RIAA. they are pretty nasty too. i saw a show with them where they showed how they busted the fileshares and it was via DC++ some unlucky guy was sharing 20 gigs and it was just two clicks then they had his ip and a letter was on its way to him with a massive fine

i have never heard of anyone getting busted for using bittorrent, it is simply a way tougher process, perhaps when everybody leaves DC++ (which will never happen!!! lol) then the focus will be on bittorrent. Well I have no idea  just guessing

did you know that when bittorrent was working at max 1/3 of all the traffik of the internet was going through it? that is a lot of data!

but if you use peerguardian and bittorrent you should be relatively safe, but if you are that kind of person that gets hit by lightning and have planes crashing down on your house all the time then maybe you should stay away from it hehe

i love bittorrent, it is simply a brilliant way of sharing files!

i use thepiratebay (Swedish site) it has a lot of torrents and a crazy admin (read the legal threats they are hilarious!) //www.thepiratebay.org

but if cant find your torrent there you should search for it. i use http://isohunt.com/ but there is a official search machine also //www.bittorrent.com

and the program that I have the best results with is Bitcomet. just remember only to upload max 80% of you total upload capacity otherwise you simply choke your download.
http://www.bitcomet.com/doc/download.htm
for upload limiting i recommend netlimiter http://www.netlimiter.com/tikiwiki/tiki-featured_link.php?type=f&id=110&url=./netlimiter/download.php&id=110

and for protection against nasty companies as the RIAA or MPAA you should use peerguardian http://methlabs.org/projects/peerguardian-2-windows/


happy downloading

Wow, I guess I am not the only one then. That's fine.

Hell, I am going to exploit that annoying number, I am going to use that number in the Danish Lottery and win myself the big prize