Spiritual Isolation, An Attempt to Speak

[Drakoreo]

I feel like I have no where in the world where i can honestly voice anything to anyone, finally I am at my last resort. If this is to fade with my passage of human time or maybe somehow find it's way to the surface of concious, is beyond me. My intention is only words, make of it what you will.

I was born somewhere between a realm of wake and sleep where suddenly light was upon me, from what seemed to be nothingness. I only had a thread guiding my councious, connected somewhere to some kind if profound beauty - a spark i saw in the mirror of every person, creature and being. This one thread that represented my entire being, and my exsistance. In childhood in wake and sleep i slipped between two worlds, sometimes the two would confuse me sinse they seemed so similar, connected yet somehow distant. The realm of sleep felt like home, a world where i was embraced by only love and what made me feel magic, fullfillment and wonder. It was a place I felt entirely who I am.  Only to wake  later into a world so desolate and cold i felt as if i have ripped from my own being, my soul seperated from what binded me, tossed into a realm where i was absent from my own exsistance, where i was alive, but so empty...we call it reality. From here only sparks of who i was would catch my attention in the corner of the eyes looking back into mine, before they would dart away to stare in another dirrection, to reject my exsistance, but allowing acidic words to slip from their mouth, wanting even the thought of my exsistance to wither.

What I call mother told me school was important, really only a foreign building i had no grasp of where my reflections taunted me, and adults suggest i swollow strange white circles that tasted awful and made me spew barf from deep in my stomache, stripping my throat and my core until i was but a stinging shell with nothing left inside but a sore throat. School was but that for the longest time, something torturous which made no sense to me, why must i write words and numbers on this paper, why am i told i am a number and a gender, a name that names my skin crawl, a cliche and clothes that were supose to be my identity, finally somewhere in the midst of the bible, i broke. I was done with my exsistance being swept under the carpet. I screamed my name as loud as my soul could speak, that here was hardly a whisper.

My eyes cast towards my teacher, "Blasphemy."
She sternly said.
I knew forever who I was.
I knew forever what I was made of.
I could stare into the snow and here my own whispers, stare into the sun and see myself smiling...
Stare into your eyes and see myself staring back, until you would look away and scortch me with the words you told me. Forever i dragged myself in and out of buildings, places that made me recite my name age gender and birthdate over and over as if all i was made of was ink of paper. One day i stared into their eyes and so despriety i cried out... "You are me!"

Every day I try to nagivate through a realm that wants me to write the same words again and again. I am this and that and you are this and that... I tried to point out, then arent be both the same?
Shut down and rejected everywhere i try to hold my pressense, the center of my being before everything is constantly rejected. You call me a word but wont dare speak my name....
I grew cold. I knew why i exsisted, and it was me to blame. I made my reality this way...
I wanted a world where love exsisted, but for love to exsist there had to be something to define it.
So from the chaos spew seperation. And i became lost, comfused... Isolated.

How can one speak to a sheet of metal and glass, which words cannot pass through? A mirror between us, that separates us from who we are. Again and again i am constantly trying to smash through, to feel, to touch, to finally reach where that thread had been pulling me. I realized i was made of the chaos and the light, i was made of all these things that surround me, i was the homeless and the rich, the abusers and the abused. I decoded nature and the fabric of reality, for a moment i thought i found peace,
But actually,
It was empty.

I felt my own presense, when i saw you cry. I ran to you, to love you, why did you turn away? Why everytime we are almost in reachable distance, you pull away, deny my exsistance?

I cant live a world where im an empty being, working hard just to keep breathing. Im not a machine, or a souless body, im made of the same expirience you are expiriecing. We are eachother... We are reality.

I wish someday the mirror will be broken, and instead of acidic words, only words of love are spoken. To the end of empty exsistance.. And to the kind of world that was intended at the brink of creation...

[Xanth]

Realize, that there's nothing physical within this reality that is beneficial to your spiritual growth.

Now, with that said... what *IS* beneficial to you?  Everything else.

Everything that is NON-PHYSICAL is of complete benefit to you.  This includes (mostly), but is not limited to: your interactions with other consciousness beings here within the confines of this physical reality.

To put it another way... learning to interact with your fellow man (and/or beasts) in a loving, kind way, regardless of who they are or what they have done to you.. *IS* the point of why you're here. 

[Szaxx]

A time has come that you see more. To this realisation, a calling from what should have been to what is. The difference is the inquisitiveness of the mind.
It's in us all, all that think and although we know, what we do isn't in the calling of the whole. You see these imperfections as they are, a chaotic form from whence they came. It's this inquisitiveness that causes change from the original intention. It's within us all, it's life. The everything that ever was and will be is stirring within you. The unwanted changes from the original ideal, that perfection, that oneness, is happening as this thing we call life has it's inherent faults. The one ideal is emotion in it's best and most positive form, this emotion is love. It carries with it a counterpart, a chaotic form that has to keep the equilibrium. It's this that you see as the traitor to the original ideal. It's also necessary and without it there would be no life, no hope, no existance.
It's time to look within now you've seen the great outside. It's also time to realise you fan still be connected to this universal oneness of pure love.
It's the source, once you pass through the veil of life and feel yourself within it's oneness you don't ever want to return.
Look within for this purity and travel to it.

You are seeing the source my friend. It opens you up emotionally in ways that nothing in this physical world can. These words of yours are real, they are outside of time. You have experienced a connection, mentally and it has shown you the reason to return. Your answers await. It may take all your days to return, it may take a meditation on healing the world you live in and putting this purity into everyone.
The connection is real.
Keep your mind on living, the information you recieve can play a trick on your mental state. Our minds can only interpret the smallest amount of data that the source can give.
Meditate and join it again, be strong, very strong, it will be an experience you'll never forget.