Triumphant return of Personalreality!

[personalreality]

Lol, there's nothing triumphant about it really.

You have all been supportive of me over the years and never judged me for my problems, so I feel that if there is anywhere I can be honest, it's here.  And truthfully, I need to get this out because I've been quite isolated for a long time.

You may have noticed that I haven't been around the pulse in a long time.  Let me fill you in.

As many of you know, I've had a drug problem for years.  I was a heroin addict off and on for the better part of 8 years now.  I got sober 4 years ago.  I was on a medication called suboxone (kind of like methadone) for 2 years at a clinic in Richmond, VA in the states.  I got off the suboxone and was completely sober for a year (well i still smoked pot, but i don't consider pot a drug, though i'm not condoning the use of drugs on this forum at all.  be clear about that please). 

Then I moved back to northern VA where I'm from and things started to go bad.  In June last year I fell while hiking and hurt my back.  I had a slightly herniated disc in my back already, but the fall exacerbated it.  Naturally the hospital put me on pain meds, which I never should have accepted because it just started my hunger for opiates again.  Things were relatively okay for the summer, though my need to use was increasing daily.  In September I hurt my back again lifting something at work and this time it was really bad.  I herniated my L5/S1 disc, which is way down at the bottom, really bad.  It didn't rupture, but it was pushing really hard on my sciatic nerve on my right side.  Subsequently, I lost most of the feeling in my right leg.  I had had to walk with a cane for 6 months.  I started seeing an orthopod and a neurologist.  We tried everything short of surgery, even steroid shots in my back.  None of it worked.  The whole time though, they were all supplying me with tons of pain meds, 90 every 15 days (and i'm talking 8mg dilaudid for breakthrough pain and 30mg oxycodone for the overall pain).  This was bad, because those drugs are highly abused on the street and can be used intravenously, and me being an ex-heroin addict, it was only a short time before i started shooting up my pills.  Soon the pills weren't enough.  I'd go through my script in 4 days and would start going into withdrawals, so I started using heroin again.  I'll spare you the gritty details, but needless to say, it was bad.  Then I had back surgery in February, which thankfully relieved my back pain and brought all the feeling back in my leg.  But, with the blessing of my repaired back, I was still a heroin addict again.  It took it's toll on my life.  I quit my job, my fiance almost left me (we're starting to do better now), my parents nearly disowned me, things were bad.  So i started trying to get clean.  I'd detox for a few days, but the withdrawals would get to be to much and I'd go use.  I did this throughout March and April.  But at the end of March I was hit with a tragedy that helped cause me to spiral into even more ever use than before, my grandfather died very suddenly.  Long story short, he had a mild heart attack last year and it threw a blood clot to his intestines and slowly over the next 8 months his intestines died.  By the time he finally went to the hospital and the doctors opened him up to see what was going on it was too late, his entire bowel was dead and there was nothing they could do.  He died a week later.  It hit me really hard as I was very close to him.  I was the only grandchild that got to see him because I lived nearby and after he found out he was dying he didn't want any of the grandkids to see him like that.  The messed up part was that the last time i saw him, I was on more morphine than him.   A man dying, in horrible pain, on a morphine drip, and i was still higher than him. 

After that I gave up and started using to a degree that would make most junkies blush.  But finally, after some serious personal revelations, I made the decision to quit.  That was 7 days ago.  I'm still in some pain, but I'm nearly through it. 

While it was bad, the experience was necessary.  I wasn't on the pulse because I turned my back on my spirituality in favor of the drugs.  I had decided that I'd rather be high than enlightened, though I deluded myself into believing that by getting high I was getting enlightened.  That's the thing about heroin, there really are spiritual lessons to be learned through it, namely detachment, but the price is just too high.  But, after talking to some friends, Xanth included, I saw a glimmer of my true self and I felt that bliss of self-realization again and decided that that was what I wanted. 

Anyway, I'm coming around now.  My mind is still foggy and I'm not thinking so clearly, I'm out of practice.  So, I may not post a lot, but soon enough I'll be back with my usual nihilistic approach to that which we are all seeking. 

I love you all and can't wait until I'm back in full force.

[Volgerle]

good to have you back here, PR, and all the best wishes for your further recovery, so things are looking up now for you, and that sounds great,

cheers, volgerle

[Stookie_]

Glad your back PR. You always had knowledge to drop that was from a completely different perspective than most here, it was always refreshing to read. Stay focused and keep on track and stay clean for god's sake. Don't waste your time while you're here, you've got things to do and people to help!

[mon9999]

Hi Personalreality, I would like to offer you a distant pranic healing but you have to send me a photo in private if that's ok to you because i have to visualize you.. 

[BlueHalcyon]

Good to have you back, PR  

[todd421757]

Glad you're back     Say no to drugs, say yes to obe's.

[Killa Rican]

You will get better man. Hope for the best. Take as much time as you need to. Glad to have a familiar face back! ~_^

[Stillwater]

Good to see you back PR 

[Lionheart]

 Welcome back, through the last year I have read many of your posts and see that you were truly missed here! 

[NoY]

yesterday i thought what happened to PR he just stopped coming, and then today here you are

so did i think of you because you were coming back or did you come back because i thought of you

prescient or Omnipotent lol

:NoY:

[Szaxx]

Hi,
Welcome back PR,
give CFT some of your spice so we don't lose a friend.
Keep on trucking youll beat this. Youre doing a great job.

[personalreality]

thank you everyone.

i really appreciate it.

NoY:  I thought of you yesterday as well.  I had been talking to ryan and stevejosh on facebook and signed in to the pulse and saw my quote in my signature, you know about reality being a slippery fish an all.  you said that once about a member here back when we all spent our days on IRC.  it got me thinking about you, wondering how the V---V life was going.  maybe i made you think of me.  who knows. 

[Xanth]

Hey man!  Yes, it's definitely good to see you back.