This is my end.

[Jitenya]

Hi you may have seen me when I acquired a dead wiki about lucid dreaming. I kind of just let it sit there.

There was a reason for this. Not an excuse, for I did abandon it myself, but a reason. Have you ever had a time in your life, where you had a serious amount of negative enrgy clining to you? I've had it for the last six years. Now-- most people advocate removing it. I set myself the task of intergrating it to attain a state that I call perfect grey, For six years, I fought the negative force and it's sypmtoms. For six years, if I had gone to a psychologist, they would have diagnosed me as one of the most depressed people on the planet. I have some very deep scars. Some, I'm sure will never heal completely. But thats okay. Without the scars, how would we not know we were imagining it?? Thank whatever entities may exist that I had always intended to battle it untill it was in submission. Today was the last day in my battle. You know what it came down to? Choosing wheather or not to listen to a piece of music. After I tell you the what it symbolizes to me, and the title, you'll understand.

This music can make you feel lonely. It makes you feel alone, uncared for, but at the same time, full of hope. Throught the years, I  was that song. It was my anthem. It's title? "For the endless fight".

Simply beautiful. Powerful. It can overwhelm you.

On this night, I thought that I had beaten it, that I had won against the negative force. I. Was. Wrong.

When I had moved through my playlists, I came to land on this song. I thought I had already beaten the darkness. I was afraid to play it. My thoughts word for word are:

"This song... The journey... (Pictures of myself under the influency of the negative force flashed through my mind) If I play this, will I lose myself to it once more?," and here, I hesitated,"It doesn't matter, all I can do is tilt my head back... And laugh in the endless rain."

Yes, I actually did think that las sentance in those exact words. Here's what it means.
Translation: Every time you arise, I will knock you back down. Every time you come back, I will be there, waiting to defeat you once more. Every time you rise from the depths, I will be the one who causes you to fall.

My body felt more and more bouyant as the song played itself. The reason why? My guilts and regrets no longer forced me down.

As cheesy as this sounds, It's totaly true. I just have one last fight left againt this negative force. The subconcious one.

I have found a technique that generates Pseudo Lucid drams for me whenever I use it. It works like this basically. I first challenge my subconcious. Then I use a set of binaurals, one for theta(custom-made), one that fades from alpha to delta(Abyss, get it from gnomad.info). This suceds in putting me into a semiconcious sstate where I have to "beat" my subconcious at whatever it decides. By beating it, I can name a condition to hold it to. Unfortunately, I've never won. The last two times I've done it though There've been some truly horible things. The negative force has one last refuge. And this is it. My subconcious mind.

And so, This is my end. I've managed to escape that last two times. But this time, It's do or die. My darkness is a monster. In the first battlethat the darkness was involved in, I was shot twice. Head and heart. But it was nothing campared to the second. In the second, a horrible beast that I can't even comprehend in my waking hours breathed in. And in that single act, almost destroyed the reality of the Dreamworld I was in. You need to see such a thing to know what I'm talking about.

This will be my end. Unless you help me. I need enough energy to take the darkness on. No amount is too small. Please help me live.

If you need a target. Send it to this name. Jitenya Renorae. It will surely find me.

Thank you very much.

[cavernstoy]

Jitenya, I don't know what to say.  All I can tell you is that light will prevail.  Whether that's true or not, we'll just have to find out.  I know that life can sometimes trick you into "false hope", and then suck you into a hole of suffering, and that seems to be the endless cycle.  But the hope that you might temporarily feel, its not false at all.  Alot of times I think that life is too limited, and that nothing amazing can come from this sick world, but I'm wrong to think so.  Image the you from seven years ago.  Did you think that your life would change so drastically?  Did you even think such a change was possible?  Isn't it amazing that this has happened to you?  Isn't it?  Seriously, if I got to see what my life would turn into five years ago, I would probably cry for hours.  Life will change, thats the one thing that I can promise you.  I am not going to promise you that it will get better, but I will do everthing I can do to help you.  You've been through so much, and I hope you have at least learned alot from your experiences.  With this knowledge, you can use it to improve your situation, and others as well.  If you have gotten this far (conquering your subconcious mind), then I will asume that you have learn the neccessities of conquering your hell, although I will still try to help you do this.  Just remember, it is my oppinion that suffering can either heal you, or destroy you.  I know you are thinking that it has destroyed you, but don't make this mistake.  Although your life may seem destroyed, your soul has been healed.  I believe this is true by your post.  You seem to care alot about meaning, and that shows something.  When someone suffers, they either learn hate, or learn love.  I learned love.  I would never intentionally hurt anything, and before this I might (maybe, maybe not), but I think it was worth it, because I just can't take that risk.  I hope you at least learned that (compassion), because it may be less suffering in the end.  The most important thing you can do is not cause others to suffer like you have.  One example is that you could stop eating factory farmed meat (if you do eat meat) which is 98% of all animal produces.  I don't know if you know what factory farms are, but I know (from what you've been through) that you will look into this sick practice, and help put and end to it. 

Now just focusing on you for a momment, I have to say that your depression could very well be a result of bad health. I know you might not beleive me but this could be true.  Flax seed oil really helps with depression.  If there is a reason for your depression, that isn't health, then you just have to do everything in your willpower to help yourself.  Trust me and don't use conventional medicine.  It just doesn't actually help you.  I don't have a lot of time to finish this post, but I think I got the main idea down.  I just really hope you get better.

Cavernstoy

[Jitenya]

Well...

I once again challenged my subconcious. But this time, nothing happened. does this mean I've already finished that fight? I don't know.

Something happened today. A kid alost got hit by the car. He either broke or sprained his finger, some roadrash elsewhere. I only have marginal healing knowledge. I know that nothing was wrong on his side of the equation. I created a construct. I visualised it as being a solid green color, surrounded by one ring of raindrop like symbols, also green. (The symbol were like those on a kodo drum for referenceYeah, just like those.) I created a target on the kid and sent the construct to him. But in retrospect, I don't think I sent him a construct. I think I sent him the minor chakra in my palm. Before saying this isn't possible, please listen to why I think this.

I have the feeling that I have a hole in my hand. Pain is slowly spreading up my arm. To simplify how energy flows, we can say it is like blood. The essential purpose of the chakra then, is like that of a flow regulator. The minor chakra in the palms, and feet make sure that the energy dosn't wantonly leave the body. A common sign of fatigue from overexerting yourself duriong energy work is pain. It's up to my elbow now. Anyone know a fix?  Oh, one second, I'm going to try to perceive whats happening. Just thought of that.

Okay. So this is what I see: A few spikes of energy are protruding from my palm. Energy is flowing, and just vanishing. By the way, at's totally grey. Which is good. I suceeded against the negative force but to be trumped by my own stupidity. Please help me?

[Zephyrus]

I think you should just concentrate on the bright side of the life and develop spiritually as you do know. In time you will realize that you feel better. It won't happen in one moment in a fierce battle between concious and subconcious mind. Based on my own experience, it takes months or years even to gradually "reprogram" yourself. And don't loose hope, you're in a process of becoming a better version of yourself!

You can try out a very simple exercise that once showed me how pitiful my thinking was.
Take a sheet of paper and a pen.
Sit in an armchair and observe your thoughts.
Whenever a thougth appears in your mind write it down in a few simple words, like:

"school, stress"
"lamp is horrible"
"what time?"
"leg tingling"
"what dinner?"

Then, try to categorise these thoughts. Are they negative, neutral or positive? Are they about past, present or future?
If you do it long enough you can learn a lot about yourself.

Hope this helps.