Parents hate and neglect

[Telos]

I am 21 and the youngest of 6. I'm living in my parents' house for the time being and it's so quiet now that all the children have left that the negative energy is extremely apparent. My parents have been ruthlessly mean to each other for as long as I've lived, and from what I can gather from my mother, even longer before that. Supposedly they weren't always like this. I have been trying to help them my entire life but, as you can imagine, it's difficult growing up in such a house...

My parents are in no danger of divorce. They never really have been. And, ironically, that seems to be the problem They just continuously make life hell for one another, staying together only because divorce is a mortal sin and they're afraid of going to hell.

I can safely say that most (but certainly not all) of the negativity is centered around my Dad. He drinks excessively, is angered at the most trivial things, and persists in ways of thinking that don't work - obsession, misogyny, possessive and manipulative behavior, emotional and mental abuse (his wife and children are now too old for physical abuse), etc.

I have tried, and tried, and tried to help them. Praying, meditating, talking, and trying to live up to their dreams for me, but I felt that was going to far - since I was surrendering my own dreams in the process. To give you an idea of their other 5 children - they have graduated from their alma mater along with graduate school. Two are dentists, one is a lawyer, another is a CPA, and the other is a teacher. How can they still be such angry people?

I have had long talks with them. Usually me being the only calm one. Their trouble runs deep. It's sad, I'm not sure I need to talk about it anymore.

Anyways - this house is just saturated with negative energy from the decades of spiritual neglect. Just walking outside and a block away is a load off. I'd like to leave forever, but I fear that my absense will cause them to shrivel up in their hearts, since they would be worried about me. Nothing I can do helps them. They married before they were my age, they were young, dumb kids. The damage just seems too far gone. I never should've tried surrendering my dreams to theirs.

Any spare help that would assist me in healing this defiled couple would be greatly appreciated.

[Naiad780]

Telos, I'm really sorry to hear of this.  I can relate somewhat:  my mother told me she wanted to divorce my dad when I was ten, but she waited until I was 20 to do so.  That's hard growing up with, especially when you can't understand why they don't just DO IT and end the misery.

Don't make yourself responsible for your parents' relationship.  Don't keep yourself in a place that's not healthy for you.  It sounds like you've tried very hard, but when you give it everything and someone still refuses to change, that is not your fault and it's not your responsibility to suffer with them.  I know it's hard when it's your own parents, but maybe they need to be alone before they can realize where they are at.

I'll keep them in my thoughts (and you) and try to send some healing energy.

[CaCoDeMoN]

Why are you so good to them?

[Tayesin]

Hi Telos,
My upbringing was not a lot different to yours as far as home life went, my dad was a Vietnam veteran.  He returned home violent and a heavy drinker.  Fortunately for me he kicked me out of home when I was 15, to find my own way in the world, so I only got the floggings and beatings for the smallest part of my current life !

I'm 44 years old now, still okay and not parenting the way I was parented.  Although for many years I was afraid that I would !  

The truth is you cannot do anything for your parents, as they chose to have these experiences before coming to life here.  You chose them for your parents this time too.  So somewhere in all of that is the reason why you wanted these people as your parents.

While it seems outrageously sad, there will be things to indicate why you wanted this family in the first place.  What things have you learned from your life with them ?  Is to not repeat the same pattern one of those things you learned ?  If so, then it has done exactly what you required, in which case it cannot be judged as being bad.

I know most people have a hard time with trying not to be involved emotionally during such family situations, but, it is very important to be clear about it all, to be able to see what was in it for you.  When you can, you will start to see your parents in a different light, and understand more why they choose to live this way.  

Many couples NEED to have anger, violence, etc, in order for them to feel comfortable in their life... as strange as that may sound.  Many times it has something to do with the way they were parented, the indoctrinations they received during their own childhood that make them seek out what we now call a Dysfunctional relationship... it's about comfort zones and what people will accept for themselves.  And that in turn is about the Core Beliefs the people have about themselves and their world.

My parents finally divorced about 15 years ago.  Mum is still angry as hell about it all, and my dad met another woman who he married and became a born again christian with.  We are Loving and communicating even today, despite the terror of my upbringing.  Why ?  Because I saw what it was all about for me, and the parents I chose...

I saw in my childhood many similarities with some of my past life experiences, that of being raised by people using stand-over tactics and violence in order to teach me what I needed to learn.  Now, I know that I am contracted to finalize the so called "sins of the father" that has been a characteristic of my family for 7 generations, and, those relevant past lives.  My father was the perfect man for the job of raising me to learn and remember what was needed for me to accomplish this task in this life.

In this respect it was all perfect and necessary, without it, or even one small change to it and I would not be the person I am today, nor be where I am today.

Your parents will do what they will do anyway, with or without your support or acceptance..  it is the nature of people.  So perhaps the most effective things you can do for yourself and for them, is to cleanse the house with Light, keep it building up around the house and shield it from the advances of darkness that will already have been drawn to the energy.  you can do that easily.

And above all...  do not take on board yourself any guilt or sadness for your parents, if possible.  They are who they are, you are You.  Concentrate on what you need to do and let them do what they must, until they decide to stop it for themselves.  Nothing else can be done for them because it is all up to them !  Not you.

I hope this has been some small help.

Love Always.  

[Tyciol]

He's good to them because he lives with them, duh. I am similar. Once we are independent, we're more capable of being mean. Only then do we know if our kindness is bred out of dependence, and even then the habitual fear may reside. Real love is rare, I have little and am trying to breed some to counter my anger and rejection of old fears, a tough battle.

I'd try standard techniques of couples counseling, advising each individually on how to improve their relationship and find happiness for themselves and their spouse individually, then combine it so they have happiness together. If nothing works, break them up for their own good.

[Chimerae]

Humans are weird.

There's a sadly common pattern where individuals (and sometimes even groups) get their experience of genuine intimacy and energy exchange in violent or negative patterns.

This is really a trap of almost indescribable power because it chases away other healthy options and exhausts whatever resources the people involved might have used to explore elsewhere.

It's confusing to "helper types" -- why would someone STAY with that?  The answer is simple -- because it's WORKING.  Because, no matter how bad it is, they're both getting something out of it that's important to them.  

About the only thing you can do is refuse to participate.  Walk away, and love them anyway.  

If you change yourself, you change the patterns of everyone your own life touches.

[Telos]

Thank you so much for your replies. It's obvious you are all very thoughtful and intelligent.

I understand that you can't change who people are. My post was asking for assistance in cleansing whatever sad essence that has settled here. Perhaps it is external and isn't harbored in the people? To be honest, posting in this forum was one my last resorts, as I've never believed that energetic healing from a distance could do much. I'm opening my mind to that more and more though, of course.

Don't worry about me! I found inner discipline through dreaming a long time ago. Tayesin, certainly, I've learned practically everything I know about emotional discipline just from listening to them. Cacodemon, I've been benevolent with my parents because I felt I had the required strength. Honestly, it seems that they're weaker than I am. I know clearly what thought processes aren't working for them and have endeavored patiently and calmly to shine a light on them. But those thoughts run deep, back into an era before I was born. It's clear that any further material intervention on my part is useless. Perhaps when I'm gone they will become more observent of their troubles. To make sure, I'm leaving -> far away.

Tayesin, I'll keep your story among the many I've learned so far which demonstrate that kids are stronger and smarter than people think. Absolutely inspiring. Maturity runs on many levels, and only one of them has to do with age.

It's Christmas, so I suppose it would be bad form of me to leave now. It will be some time before I get a new computer and can afford an internet connection. I'll be posting for about another week or two, at which time I'll depart from AP for the time being. Don't worry, I'll post a goodbye before I'm off

Again, thank you for your kind advice. Good spirits.

[Leannain]

good luck mate.

[Telos]

Thank you, Leannain.

I left my goodbye thread here:
http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=16130

[GANAMOHA]

If you do insist on healing to work you might want to try (if you are powerful enough in reiki to do so) use the master symbol in reiki. The master symbol is a healing sign used to go within the soul and completely cleanse all hate or trauma everything but the problem  is I'm not sure if I can post something so sacred.

[wisp]

Telos,
Nice observations you have. In hindsight I see that my parents taught me how to see the extreme or full range of types of people. My dad was the typical male and my mom the typical female of their day. My dad was tooo mean and aggressive, my mom was tooo sweet and passive. I kind of liked a happy medium for myself.I watched also their strengths. My dad was creative, industrious, intelligent, etc. My mom was a great spiritual teacher.My dad made it possible to provide a nice home and comforts. My mom was good at making it a happy home.

They made it easy for me to see. What confuses me is that my siblings did not see what I saw.

Have you read anything on feng shui? I didn't get into heavy, but some of the basics work remarkably well for my environment. For instance, it really helped me focus on the trouble spots in my environment.It seems to really be about one's own personal space and less about those who might cohabit near.

I have an internet friend. I was telling her about some difficult neighbors. She gave me some feng shui suggestions. I took her suggestion about putting up chimes. It worked!

[Nexmofo]

What you could do is first see whether they want help. See if they can identify and admit to a problem, that's the hard part -- and admit to THEM having a problem too, and not blaming the other person.

After you do this, they could find a marriage counselor. They DO help.

Also see if they can read the book Men are from Mars Women are from Venus with an open and acceptive mind and put the practices to work; this book alone is a bible for relationships.

My 2 cents.