Ayahuasca

[RigVeda]

Has anyone here used ayahuasca to aid them in anyway related to phasing, going out of body, etc? Shamans have used it for hundreds if not thousands of years to facilitate healing, going out of body, etc. and I think it would be useful towards developing abilities.

http://deoxy.org/ayadef.htm

[Bloodshadow]

Actually Ayahuasca is my last hope at trying to merge with my higher self to gain abilities, though I haven't as of yet figured out how I'm gonna scrounge up the money to go to Peru to try it, I also haven't really heard of anyone gaining no type of profound abilities through it but its my last hope before I give up my pursuit entirely.

[Xanth]

Has anyone here used ayahuasca to aid them in anyway related to phasing, going out of body, etc? Shamans have used it for hundreds if not thousands of years to facilitate healing, going out of body, etc. and I think it would be useful towards developing abilities.

http://deoxy.org/ayadef.htm

Nope.  I'll try it one day, but probably no time in the near future.
I'll point out that it would be useless to you for the endevours you're looking at using it for.

Actually Ayahuasca is my last hope at trying to merge with my higher self to gain abilities, though I haven't as of yet figured out how I'm gonna scrounge up the money to go to Peru to try it, I also haven't really heard of anyone gaining no type of profound abilities through it but its my last hope before I give up my pursuit entirely.

I kind of get the feeling that you don't really quite understand what it is you're looking for through your potential Ayahuasca use...
In your case in particular, I think you might get an awakening of sorts, but not one you're hoping for.  It certainly won't give you "abilities"...

[Bloodshadow]

Of course not, but it can help towards awakening something in me that I may take as an ability like healing or something, i'm just tired of this depression that I've lived with since the death of my mother in 1995, looking for a new outlook on life,  or maybe become more intuned to the other side, not just the abilities, i'm not really expecting it to work cause, everthing else in life has failed me in my pursuit so I know this will too.

[Xanth]

Of course not, but it can help towards awakening something in me that I may take as an ability like healing or something, i'm just tired of this depression that I've lived with since the death of my mother in 1995, looking for a new outlook on life,  or maybe become more intuned to the other side, not just the abilities, i'm not really expecting it to work cause, everthing else in life has failed me in my pursuit so I know this will too.

What Ayahuasca will do is open your eyes to the power you already have within yourself. 
The power of bringing a positive outlook to your life. 

You know the saying "Like attracts like", right?  Well, it's 100% true.
Your post above is laced with so much negativity, it's absolutely no surprise to me you feel the way you do.

I was in a tough point in my life about 6 or 7 years ago, I had lost my job and was extremely fearful of what would happen... but I refused to allow it to get to me and I tried my absolute best to remain positive throughout the whole ordeal.  You have no idea how much it helped and today I find myself in a much better place and position than I was before.

A new outlook on life begins from the inside out. 

[Bloodshadow]

I'm 31 years old, been trying and continue to, but nothing has helped, even faked a suicide to get the help I needed for my depression didn't work then I actually did try to kill myself but again nothing panned out, I got put in the hospitals psych ward put on pills that never worked, and here I am still dealing with it . like I said Aya is my last hope for something to change the change I could not pull off alone.

[Karxx Gxx]

Yea, I feel you on that. I'm like that with a certain thing too. But I doubt I need it to get there, but just as a backup Ill go to any extent to achieve what I want to in life

[Phildan1]

You should search for your inner problems not for some kind of fancy outside magical solution. Depression many times caused by people not trusting their life process and that they can't do anything about how their life unfolds. Forcing never works. Why just try to search for new hobbies and learn to accept yourself with your bads and goods first, then learn to enjoy yourself without giving any damn to people around you and listening to cultural and society's critics and labels?

Observe where is your least resistance in life and on what you can do to make yourself a little bit happier. And don't follow others who have "special abilities", no one would be so sure why they have them at the first place or later in life and why some have and many don't. Maybe you don't need any really and it would cause more trouble. Suicide is running away from your problems and you my agree on this. We are in a tough life with vast bombardment of informations everywhere, slavery of money, new and new religions etc. Many people are already lost in their childhood. What if you just don't care about what others do and how they are capable of this and that and try to find your happiness with what you already have? Easier than done, I know.

[Stillwater]

From what I understand of the substance from readings over this past decade, and explanations from those who have taken part (plus my own experiences in this area), I don't think it will be quite what you guys are expecting it to be.

It is the type of substance whose biggest lasting effect is that it will help you create a new perspective for your life by showing you some things that you don't expect to work through in that moment.

You will not leave as a superhero, you will not start your career as "astral man". It will likely be a good experience, but it is not the sort of thing to place all your bets in life on. You need to do that yourself unfortunately, or fortunately. I can reason all this out from past experiences in my life that this heavily reminds me of. When I was quite a bit younger, I sort of viewed projection as a magic door to a more meaningful life... I mean, it both is and isn't. Most of the change happens inside you, and is based around your choices for how to view the world, and what mental states to cultivate in your normal life.

It is sort of like fantasizing about a vacation. The thing about vacations, is most of the year you aren't on one. You can't say to yourself, I will be happy once I am on the vacation. You need to work out your life so that you are happy when you wake up in the morning.

[Thread Killer]

I had a friend go down to Peru last year and give it a go. He is still an insufferable, condescending, pontificating tw*t. So it did him no good on that account. I think of "westerners" taking it because they are lazy and impatient with non drug methods of achieving the same results. Maybe the people who don't achieve these states, despite their desire, just aren't ready. Then you force this on the ego. Oh boy...

[Phildan1]

A typical example how humans can't and don't want to understand - even well experienced projectors from will - that maybe they are not even doing it themselves, only allowing the process. If somebody is not ready for it, it won't happen if it is forced like hell. Over my years of practicing it turned out later that no matter how I tried it or did anything for achieve phasing, it won't happen. It needs to be allowed and you are not even achieving anything by yourself. If you tried anything or let it allow to happen and still nothing, stop it, it will happen later in your life. Patience is a big issue here.

I wonder when will the most experienced people will admit this. Actually a few are and I discussed this issue with a good friend from the Pulse whom many people know. I've done a vast amounts of investigation on non-physical phenomenons in my life and relations between the physical and non-physical and I can reinforce that a very few will see that really, it is not something you will achieve by yourself or just happens magically. If it is, it is still not a child play.
Many people are trying to achieve something which they are not even closely ready by substances. It is not the same as doing it on your own with your own body. It is a learning path.

It is a big belief system in this world that we are doing everything by ourselves. Look how those lives turned out to be suffering who tried to control their lives or force something. This manifestation society does the worst really to people. "You create your own reality" - REALLY? Maybe you have decisions but in the end everybody is held by hand from above and here I'm talking about the individual's bigger self who was the one who needed to experience your life and you are only the tool/part as we all in our lives. This is a cooperation job, a game which we take seriously because we don't let it happen. Many may don't agree on this from blind beliefs and I'm maybe critical here.
Humans just think that they can rule and control anything. And I'm not religious in any way just investigating how things are working out without distortions.

[Nameless]

Bravo Phil. I think you stated that quite well.

[Lumaza]

Bravo Phil. I think you stated that quite well.

I second that statement Nameless. Philidan said what I have been saying here for years. You can't "cheat" with this. You have to want it on every level. Even levels that you consciously may think don't exist.
I have attempted for years here to find that "magic pill". It doesn't exist though. You can do things to help you get a "sneak peek". But beyond that, you need to do some serious soul searching and inner work to continuously be successful. I say often "change your mindset, changes your reality". Well, many are not ready right now in their lives to change that mindset.

I believe that some come to Forums like this to "remember" how to do this again and that most of the info we are reading is basically "rehashing" what we once knew. Others come here and attempt it because they heard it was "cool' or that they think it may immediately make all their problems in life disappear. That's about as far away from the truth that you can find.
Non ordinary states of consciousness will alter your current physical reality as well. Many aren't ready for that in their lives right now, no matter what they consciously think now.

I have met people before that consistently awaken in SP and have all their lives. To this day they are still terrified by the experience, no matter how I tried to explain what it was and tried to help them through it.  

[Xanth]

I'll third all of what Phil said. 

Humans just think that they can rule and control anything. And I'm not religious in any way just investigating how things are working out without distortions.

In my opinion, learning that you can't control anything is part of the reason why you're here.
When you finally figure out you can't control anything, the next step is to simply allow everything (and everyone) to be as it is.
With that knowledge comes infinite peace within.

[Phildan1]

Thank you Lady and Gentlemen. I think my thoughts came out from that I see that huge loads of BS through the web all the time and people are disinformed highly. Too much information everywhere, books, speakers, theories, forums where people are sharing the same beliefs - that hurts really. We few who try to keep an order in this chaos have hard time in my opinion to help out people from this. I even try to teach some people already from what I know and it seems like everybody forces it until the world's end to achieve a fashion as projection or anything else and they will freaked out because they encountered something which is not even nearly explained in these sources. What hurts really that "psychics" or "mediums", books and webs are still keeping people in the "angelic realms" full of fairy tails. I guess Frank had a hard time to understand these people too.
I'm happy to see your comments. I already started a private mentorship on my blog site and see where and what can I help for newbies. I like to see smiles in the end.

[ThaomasOfGrey]

I think you guys might be underestimating the potency of a DMT experience. I have never done Ayahuasca but I have read a lot about it in various trip reports and anecdotes from people I know, in addition to reading DMT the spirit molecule.

When I look back at the astral projection experiences I have had, dream based or conscious exits, the most significant life changing moments; DMT truly is a magic pill by comparison and a gateway to higher astral dimensions that most of us have never accessed before.

I think our conventional wisdom is that the clearer and more focused our minds are, the higher the dimensions we are able to reach and the more tangible and intense the experiences become.

This principle is taken nigh to the utmost with DMT because you truly are wide awake, even hyper awake during the transition to a new reality. It is common to immediately enter into the societies of other conscious beings that are not only capable of high level communication, but are aware of the fact you are coming and are expecting you.

The dimensional heights it is possible to reach and the sheer intensity of the experience blow most astral projections out the water. I'm sure that you can match and exceed these experiences without DMT too. My point is simply that DMT should not be underestimated in terms of intensity or long term benefits.

[Karxx Gxx]

Glad someone cleared that up because people have changed thier reality perspective because of trips or what have you. It's just a different path to go on.

[Lumaza]

I think you guys might be underestimating the potency of a DMT experience. I have never done Ayahuasca but I have read a lot about it in various trip reports and anecdotes from people I know, in addition to reading DMT the spirit molecule.

I never said anything about underestimating the potency. Our own Pineal Glands excrete DMT. I am not arguing the point of how powerful it is. You can use it for that one time "sneak peek". But you will have limited or no control over your environment or many times even yourself.

DMT truly is a magic pill by comparison and a gateway to higher astral dimensions that most of us have never accessed before.

Once again, my statement from above.
"I have attempted for years here to find that "magic pill". It doesn't exist though. You can do things to help you get a "sneak peek". But beyond that, you need to do some serious soul searching and inner work to continuously be successful. I say often "change your mindset, changes your reality". Well, many are not ready right now in their lives to change that mindset."

It would be a tool like so many other tools out there. But it would not cause consistency. That's something that every person that attempts to AP has to find an answer for themselves. Many times that answer comes from within.

I have experimented with Bin Beats/Isochronic Tones, Light/sound machines, Throat breathing, all different tools. They are basically all "training wheels". In the end, it's you that has to do the work. I didn't experiment with them on my own behalf. I was trying, still am, to come up with something, some kind of process that brings consistent results for others that are serious about learning this practice. I have been finding favorable results by the combining of techniques.

[Stillwater]

I don't mean to jump on your back here Thomas, as I know you mean well as always, but just to clear up what I think is the opposition opinion here:

I think you guys might be underestimating the potency of a DMT experience.

I think most people here recognize that DMT / Ayahuasca is potentially the most powerful of all psychedelics widely available. The experiences people have with it are often profound, and often useful for giving a healthy person a new perspective to work with in their life. That isn't really in dispute. It is also fairly safe to use in the right environment and situation.

What I and others are taking issue with is the idea that these tools can be used to get a life badly off track patched up in a day. In this field there is a large escapist element. A lot of people are looking for a way to get beyond their day-to-day problems. Maybe they are in an unfortunate circumstance they would like to exit.

There are two separate concepts here:

-The idea of altered states of consciousness as a gateway to a more interesting life
-The idea of altered states of consciousness as a tool to fix your life

We have to be pretty careful, because we are talking about both concepts at once, so we have to specify which we mean at any given moment to be clear. I am concerning myself here with the second concept.

My argument is that if you would like to use altered states and a focus on your own thought patterns to improve the quality of your life, you have to do it slowly and carefully over a long period. It takes quite a while to cultivate a healthy state of mind and make it habitual. This is one of the long term benefits of meditative practices.

Something like Ayahuasca may supplement such a process, but it cannot replace your own practice and responsibilities. It will not fix you by itself. In fact, it may even unhinge a person who is already in an erratic state of mind.

Another example is MDMA being used in a clinical setting. The substance itself can be very useful for people in helping to overcome a number of metal disorders, like PTSD. But it is useful in a very controlled setting, and in conjunction with an introspective practice from the individual, directed by a professional.

I am emphasizing the need to sort out the problems in your life by your own effort, or with the help of a cognitive therapist (as opposed to a pill-pusher). The greatness of the eastern traditions is that they are predicated on the ability of the individual to improve their mental states through their own thoughts. This is the real gift any of these practices have for the world. It just isn't possible for substances alone to make this change, and I think we have to be careful to counsel individuals looking for a substance-based improvement without any other component accordingly.

[Bloodshadow]

When I said I wanted to do Aya because I can't do it alone, I didn't mean I wanted it to do all the work I just needed it to help me go within myself so that I can make the possible changes that i'm looking for, a typical Aya trip has four sessions where you take the Aya  substance and with it being so strong, I can change a lot with myself, and the rest I can deal with, peope say it is hard to control an Aya experience, but my intent is just as strong, even if I just lead it a little, i'm not looking for it to fix my problems, if anything i'm going into this just hoping for a placebo effect, it will just help shake something loose. Key word help me, not do for me.

[ThaomasOfGrey]

Haha, I don't mind if you jump on my back. It is laminated from the heat and pressure of hundreds of forum debates, I live in that fire lol. Not seeking to lead anyone anywhere, I'm just going to represent DMT with my best understanding.

You can use it for that one time "sneak peek". But you will have limited or no control over your environment or many times even yourself.

Partially true, with the trip reports in the book The Spirit Molecule most people felt in control of themselves with a familiar and somewhat sober mindset. Control of the environment is less common, not unheard of, but usually the value in the trips comes from the interaction you have with other entities in their environment, its alright to be out of control a little. We aren't talking about anything resembling catapulting through the universe in the vast majority of these trips, although that was my preconception.

I got my sneak peeks into the astral without drugs, however, it is interesting to note that those peeks and all my subsequent experiences have left me unconvinced at a core being level that anything exists outside of myself and 3d reality. On the other hand, interaction with the machine elves in their own environment is an undeniable shock to the core being. As much as I logically believe in these entities, I think experiencing them first hand would be life changing for me. I don't know if I have a point here, maybe its that I can imagine a DMT sneak peek having a greater long term impact than my sneak peeks did.

It is correct to say that DMT trips are not necessarily consistent or repeatable, and my impression is that they are not a long term or regular use tool. There are actually cases of the machine elves asking people not to return if they use DMT too much. I respect the mission to find "some kind of process that brings consistent results". I've been on that game plan since I joined too.

[ThaomasOfGrey]

-The idea of altered states of consciousness as a tool to fix your life

I don't disagree with what you said about taking personal responsibility.

It will not fix you by itself.

That's not a rule, some people have been "fixed" to a significant degree with a single experience at both ends of the "broken" spectrum. It really depends on what the individual's issue is and how easy it is to learn from the experience.

I can see why you were concerned by Bloodshadow's initial post in this thread though. Sometimes we write in a way to convey an emotion or experience to the reader, but what is written isn't necessarily literally true, writing what was really true wouldn't get the message across. I think that might be what is happening here.

I have gone through periods of desperation to access NPR too. It's been a life long dream for me. Maybe it reaches a point where you just have to know or its your time to know, but for whatever reason its difficult naturally. I see taking the drug like the red pill - blue pill scene in the matrix. Its a physical version of the same point of no return we face when projecting naturally. My friend that is also an AP enthusiast often suggests that we do Ayahausca. My intuition says that the knowing experience will probably be natural for me in this lifetime.

[Illuman]

So I would like to chime in on this topic based on my own experiences.  I have not done Aya however I do understand it very well.  I consider each entheogen to have a potency related to physical or non physical.  From say Mushrooms up to Aya (and everything in between)  As you progress on this spectrum you go from more physical related experiences to NPR experiences.  For example, many people attribute shrooms as a "body high"  that is accurate in that your body is heavily involved in the trip.  It is mostly an Augmented Reality experience so to speak.  Things are heightened but your still in your body and rather tightly tied to this physical realm.  LSD can be both depending on the state of mind (expectation going into the trip) and environment tripping in.  Proper environment or guided trips can lead to full OBE type experience or you can also experience it much like shrooms in that your tied here physically.  (Alot of people who use Entheogens never make it past the "fun" or "party" aspect of these Entheogens) this ties your experience or trip to a physical one.  Once you get up a bit higher on the Entheogen spectrum that physical or non physical trip becomes less of an option.  You forecfully access your avatar and put some level up points in a skill so to speak.  Or you may not be ready to level yet but you can review your oversoul avatar before entering back into this game world (sorry for the comparison its an easy one for me).

Salvia is the Entho where you sort of have a choice to remain in the physical.  If you cant let go for fear of death or some other fear your stuck in an extremely warped physical reality.  Things become so odd and honestly many people have "bad trips" because they cannot let go of the physical but what is happening to them is so "other" (different) it freaks them out and they feel sick or gravity becomes super strong (seems to drag you down) , people have experienced huge arms wrapping around them from the back etc.

When you get up to DMT there is not much choice in going to NP so to speak.  You get sling shotted there for 15 seconds to 7 minutes or so.  Physical time.  Obviously in the NPR there is no time, or if there is its vastly different,  often time people can live weeks months years in a trip and come back to only 10 minutes being passed.  These are good to experience it but not much can be brought back from this other than shock and awe.  Imagine trying to explain your entire life in a few words, that is similar.  DMT shoots you to deep parts of yourself (this is pobviously debatable, many people think this realm is outside yourself, I happen to think it is one and the same)  where you can begin to converse with yourself.  If your under the impression this experience is outside yourself perhaps youll encounter an entire civilization but that would IMO just be an aspect of yourself your visiting for whatever reason (likely just a glimpse if your playing around with drugs for unknown purposes other than having fun or enjoyment)  You could also meet ONE entity (yourself?) or just a few,  That doesnt seem to be as important as actually having the conversation.  The internal dialogue that may translate back to your game "Earth".  Whatever experience you get from that game translates to your oversoul or avatar and can be used in the next game, but your not done with game earth yet, you only temporarily exited.  

Aya is an animal all itself.  It takes the DMT experience and stretches it over many days.  It FORCES a lasting impression in the physical.  You have no option but to attack and confront the darker parts of yourself.  The trick of Aya is that it almost entrains your brain.  They make it last so long in the physical it rarely is just a "fun experience" it has long lasting life changing effect.  In the end we all know there is nothing to fear but fear itself but we mostly only know that subconsciously.  So until you confront it and realize its bovine excrement.  It stick with you.  This gives you the ability to become david vs goliath so to speak,  or run scared.  (Aya forces you to stay,  for a very very long time so your likely going to deal with the big bad and not be able to get away)  that can be terrifying but in the deepest part of that terror is giving up.  Letting go,  understanding.  This is where Aya has strength.

What I say is if someone has thought about Aya for years, saved up money, done research planned a trip.  Thought that heavily about it (they likely are already under the mindset that this will be a life changing experiencing of good nature) meaning this is exactly what it will be.  In the end its the power of YOUR mind that is doing the changing.  

In my experience everyone who uses Entheogens for fun, and transfers to the "spiritual" realm (NPR can almost always be considered spiritual if you consider it as exploring yourself and learning from that experience and bettering oneself) drops drugs altogether.  Eventually they realize they are what they are a tool.  And we all know teenage kids dont keep riding their bike with training wheels.  Most of us as we grow so to speak take those training wheels off.  Your hear Xanth and others say similar things.  They need less "tools" to get there,  their intention and commitment often times does it for them.  I often felt "dirty" as I delved into Entheogens.  It felt like cheating, and now as I gained knowledge in the NPR realm be it AP info or OBE even LDing what have you.  The more I learned the more I understood what my drug based experiences were.  They were glimpses into what could be , and in the time I experienced them I had NO frame of reference for what I was experiencing.  Which may or may not have brought be to the brink of sanity for a minute there heh.  With no reference you begin to question what is real and what isnt.  Depending on your history and up bringing that can be very harrowing.  Thankfully without to much "action" based on those experiencing and doing some reflecting instead made me a stronger person and I learned but I can easily see where people alone could tip the other way.  

A big issue I have with Entheogens (Drugs in general) is the way with which it is framed and discussed.  When its looked at as the big bad and framed in a bad light (just being illegal gives many people a "bad" perception of it) and it almost immediately places a roadblock on the usefulness of these drugs.  The mindset behind the usage is highly relevant.

An observation I have made is that it really doesn't matter each person has their own path and it seems they all lead to the same point, same end game.  Some "people" get more experience (or "time") out of this "reality".  Some use drugs, some have a near death experience, etc etc.  There are so many ways people get a peek, then they can go back to the same, they can make a slight change, or they can make a drastic change.  Again this is another spectrum really.  

Everyone gets nudged in a new direction by self preservation.  The system perserves itself by perpetually evolving.  How it does this is dialect.  It would be the Thesis.  In order to be anything but itself it would reconcile the Antithesis with itself to be the Synthesis.  Of course repeating the processes endless to perfect itself.  To experience all that could be.  Itself,  fully.  

Anyways before I get off on a tangent.  Heh.  Someones reckless use of Entheogens I would be more worried about than someone who showed enough intent and willpower to want something bad enough to put a ton of time and effort and thought into it like an Aya experience.  

I do love this conversation.  You all rock.

EDIT:  I would like to point out that most drug use (other than maybe the higher tiers) are done for recreation, meaning it is an unconscious trip so to speak.  There is not much to be gained from this,  Its much like dreaming in that way.  When you consciously decide to use a drug for the purpose of self exploration IE. Spirituality.  Things get interesting.  Much like what I hear about the NPR realm from the people here on Astral Pulse.  You can only "get lucky" so many times before you have to put in hard work for yourself.  IE.  You consciously do it or you dont.  You dream, or you explore. 

[Illuman]

Of course not, but it can help towards awakening something in me that I may take as an ability like healing or something, i'm just tired of this depression that I've lived with since the death of my mother in 1995, looking for a new outlook on life,  or maybe become more intuned to the other side, not just the abilities, i'm not really expecting it to work cause, everthing else in life has failed me in my pursuit so I know this will too.

Hi Bloodshadow, =]

I just wanted to make an observation.  The solution to the problem likely lay in the statement above.  Depression first off is a grump.  It can take root and fester and grow.  The only solution to it is to attack it (Depression is usually a manifestation of fear of some sort, that is for each person to figure out).  The issue is when depressed the last thing one usually wants to do is confront anything.  Its counter intuitive.  Never the less it is the proper course.  In your case on some level there is fear of death.  Simply because you stated the depression has been since your mother passed.  (This is a hefty topic for you to attack and its usually lonely because only you can do it) If you had no fear of death a passed loved one would look and feel wholey different than the fear of the unknown or fear of death.  It is likely why you would like OBE experiences.  To KNOW deep down your mother is okay, and youll be okay and everyone will be okay etc.  (This is a generalized fear FYI many people have I dont mean to single you out if you may be inclined to feel that way) Now there are a million sub sets of other reasons and things but because it was important enough for you to mention to us here.  I feel safe with the majority of my statement.  

Also you may begin to see the ability to heal is subjective.  For example.  If anything I say or do here may lead you, or anyone to an "enlightening" experience I would consider that healing.  Depression, fear etc may be healed and removed.  On top of which another new worker is brought into the fold.  That type of mentality.  You may understand that through the power of the mind cancer can be cured and with the right words and the right pushes to someone in the right direction they may really attack their demons head on and decide to live, at the core level.  Those types of thoughts.  You never know where you will be led.  Unless that is of course you dont want to be led anywhere because fear holds you back.

(Mind you this all comes from someone who has only "sneak peeked" it.  So to speak.  So I very well could be speaking out of my butt.  Please feel free to prove me right or wrong.  Or don't.   Up to you)

Anyhow the statement "everything else in life has failed me" is telling.  That is that depression talking.  That state of mind showing itself.  The flip side to that would be everything you experienced in life led you to right now.  Everything you know, and feel and want is because of those past failures.  And that is a great thing.  That is years and years of hard word that are about to pay off.  You are now asking the right questions, now reflecting on the big excrement.  No more kid stuff.  And yeah.  That is depressing.  Or can be.  But I would say this.  Who are you.  What type of person are you.  If you dont know, you need some self reflection.  Do you give up easily?  Do you run away when it gets too hard?  If you do why? (confront it). 

Let me say this to you.  (Someone else can espouse their belief on you but through your experiences build your beliefs and you have not experienced the same things as I so you will not see things the same way, there is nothing wrong with that you must build your own beliefs and that is a difficult thing to do.)  Your mother is completely fine.  She has done what she needed to do and is progressing as she should and would want to.  Can you really believe that?  I know you want to.  Of course you want to.  But unless you have experiences that tell you as such, how can you believe that.  Until that point you will hunt tirelessly for that answer which is why you keep getting pounded against the AP wall.  Until you do some self care, some self work you will keep hitting the wall.  As you work on fears things begin to open up.  Light can be gleaned from the darkness and a bright colorful picture painted.  Do not give up.  Life is a wonderful thing and it doesn't end here.  We aren't that amazing that all that is and ever was ends with experience here.

When you finally turn around and look at what you have been running from it will look like farming monsters for experience.  With each one conquered a new "ability" is gained.  Work hard, keep up the conversation here and everywhere and just never give up. 

[Bloodshadow]

@Illuman, first yes I definitely know my mother is ok, I had a experience with her, that cleared that up, but it still did not help my depression, see I been stuck in a rut in my life , where i'm not moving forward to nowhere no matter how hard I've tried to be positive. My dream has always been to help people but not in the conventional way people do it through being police , doctor  or firefighter, I always wanted to heal people ( like that Jesus fella), inspire them  save lives (vigilantism), I never gave up that childhood dream and don't plan on it, but the possibility has dwindled down, to Aya being my last chance to try to change myself from the inside.

I know I can't have the abilities of television heroes so I just  want to open up the abilities of my human mind, you know telepathy, telekinesis, all the kinesis's, but if I can't do that through Aya, i'm at least looking for a better outlook. I know I have to help myself before I can help others which is why this Aya thing is so important to me it can help me go within like no other thing like meditation can. sigh, I know I sound crazy atm, so I will just stop, no one really understands no matter how I go about it, this is the best I can put it. Also i'm not scared of  death otherwise I wouldn't have tried to commit suicide.

The experience with my mom: http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=112298