Drawn to & Rejection

[Molly]

I've always wondered about this and felt hurt about it, been puzzled, and maybe someone on here knows what I'm talking about?

There has been few people in my life that turned out the same way with me and now there is two new of them but I'm not close to them like that so it does not hurt me the same way. But I see the same behavior in them. And it makes me sort of stand by. It makes me think about what happened with the few others in my past. Wakes that up.

The few I'm referring to would change their behavior towards me at the same time as they were drawn, to the company of certain others, and at the same time as I began to suspect they had some mental problem, that they not always wanted to let know they had. Instead of "holding tight" on to me, that they knew was there for them in their hour of need, they preferred the company of these other people (who ever they were). I could tell they were the important ones to them. They loved them. They had a bond with them. I was nobody. I was only somebody when they needed help and then off they went again doing their usual business. I was rejected. Could be they would make a small effort to pretend as if they didn't, but they did and it shone through.

Then, funny thing is, if and once they changed back to who they use to be (when first around me) they were then interested to rebuilt the relationship. Then suddenly they were drawn to me, they had such love for me. Suddenly I was to them what the others used to be. And it was too as if they wanted to pretend as if all of that was OK, could be fixed.

I went through this, I don't know how many times, with someone throughout my life, til that someone died. That someone had been an addict too (brought that someone into rehab more than once, only for it to fail, went with that someone to all the doctor's appointments, moved back to live with that someone to try to steer things up and be a support, more than once), and I could tell the love, the bond, that someone had with few other people, that too had mental issues and too were in one way or the other addicted to something. I was out of the picture. That someone did not even see me, like see me, for real. But saw the others.

I feel as if I am always rejected first, go on "stand by" and can't do anything except watch it happen before my eyes.

I've been told stories that make you think that once people who have mental issues and/or am addictive to something the others reject them first, but with me it is that I've always been rejected.

One of the things I can see two of them (two people that are no longer part of my life as I finally was the one to reject them) did was that they could never have enough. They were always in such a rush, always had so much going on, needed many people in their lives and many activities. If and when I began question what was going on and why all this and where is that someone going with it, it wasn't appreciated. I've thought about it and what I have come up with is that I think they were running from something and for what ever the reason they were not drawn to me anymore. It puzzled me because I could not see that I had changed in any way. I was still the same. It was just that suddenly I was of little or no interest to them. It was never about them not having the time for me, they did have time just like everyone else, but they were not interested. Then later on in life they had changed their minds again and wanted to continue the relationship, but I didn't.

To me it make no sense why someone would chose to reject the people that are there for you (because let's face it unless you are very lucky in your life most people have only down to few or one or maybe even zero people to rely on when it's bad weather), when to me it is actually then they should cling to you to get back on track. Instead they throw the love they use to have for you and give it to someone else.

I've tried all sorts of things in the past and none of them worked. One was that I would, despite being rejected, still be the same. One other was that I would go overboard and show more love. The other was that I would stand by. And another that I distanced myself. The last was that I went away. Funny thing is that they barely noticed I was no longer there and only found that out when they tried to reach out to me again. It takes two to tango and now it is happening again (but not that I take it that personally, they are not that important to me).

My first instinct tells me to distance myself because what ever they need they find that with one another, they don't find it with me where I'm at. They come to me if they need help with something, but that's it.

It is as if we used to be on the same floor but then they go up and down that elevator. I've come to the conclusion that it don't matter what I say or do, they are still going to do that.

[tides2dust]

Hi Molly,

Your post reminds me of a close friend. She had people with addictive behaviors drawn to her. And I should know, we have addictive personality disorder in my family. 

All I can say is, welcome to the world of relationships. You are very astute in your observations. You are right, it takes two to tango.

Perhaps this is a time for you to recognize what you want out of a relationship, a time to practice boundaries and still share love.

If we try to make others fit the expectation we have, we will find disappointment. If we feel our kindness is being taken advantage of, then we have a lesson to learn.

Reading your post, I have full confidence you will find the right course of action and feel in control of your life. Don't be discouraged, it can be a very lonely world out there in the land of relationships. I've seen it in others and have experienced it my self.

It can seem very cruel when there is so much love and suddenly cold shoulders. You just have to remind yourself. What kind of person do you want to be? How do you wish to give love? How do you wish to experience love? They're important questions to ask.

I don't mean any disrespect when I say this, chances are you may encounter this pattern again. More important than anything is the fact that you're here sharing you've noticed something... Awareness is key.

This is a huge step in the right direction.

I sympathize with my friend... But I think of all the crap she's endured, and I see how proud she is now in her 40's to be the woman she is today. Does she still struggle? Yes... Does she still face similar hardships? Yes... But she has come a long way, and I believe she wouldn't trade any of that for anything.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Your Awareness is guiding you even now.

Gentle regards...

[Molly]

Hi Molly,

Your post reminds me of a close friend. She had people with addictive behaviors drawn to her. And I should know, we have addictive personality disorder in my family. 

All I can say is, welcome to the world of relationships. You are very astute in your observations. You are right, it takes two to tango.

Perhaps this is a time for you to recognize what you want out of a relationship, a time to practice boundaries and still share love.

If we try to make others fit the expectation we have, we will find disappointment. If we feel our kindness is being taken advantage of, then we have a lesson to learn.

Reading your post, I have full confidence you will find the right course of action and feel in control of your life. Don't be discouraged, it can be a very lonely world out there in the land of relationships. I've seen it in others and have experienced it my self.

It can seem very cruel when there is so much love and suddenly cold shoulders. You just have to remind yourself. What kind of person do you want to be? How do you wish to give love? How do you wish to experience love? They're important questions to ask.

I don't mean any disrespect when I say this, chances are you may encounter this pattern again. More important than anything is the fact that you're here sharing you've noticed something... Awareness is key.

This is a huge step in the right direction.

I sympathize with my friend... But I think of all the crap she's endured, and I see how proud she is now in her 40's to be the woman she is today. Does she still struggle? Yes... Does she still face similar hardships? Yes... But she has come a long way, and I believe she wouldn't trade any of that for anything.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Your Awareness is guiding you even now.

Gentle regards...

Thank  you so much, Tides2dust, I've been thinking these days about your post and the issue I'm having, but as for now I stand where I stand and hopefully in the future I've come a longer way than I have right now. What I can say is that I don't let it get to me the same way as I can see that these two are drawn to one another for the reasons they are and they need that "mirror" looking back at them or they think they do. I think lots of us can stagnate in a process because the feelings are too strong and can even make you sick. They have not moved forward yet and proberbly don't think they have to.

I do think I see the beauty too in them, and I do think I do have stuff in common with them, but then there are stuff that differentiate us that I suppose they have more in common, especially now, good or bad.
What I always see happen then too is that when they go in that direction their ego is this wall against the world, but as much as there is this wall, this confidence, the esteem is something else, to me it reminds me of the confidence, right or wrong, works as this so called parent, protector, to the little one, the esteem, but the problem with it is that the parent is at the end of the day not going a good job regardless, it's just postponing, it may as for now be flying the plane (not being a good enough pilot, but thinking or pretending it is) and gonna make it so the plane is gonna crash sooner or later and the little one is going to experience that crash no matter, the hardest.

In my past it took a toll on me I've sworn to myself is not going to happen again and I take it less personal (although I know it is personal, it's nothing but personal) than how I use to (so far) so even it it is a painful reminder it don't hurt the same way. I don't think it is all because we're not that close, more that my perspective of what's going on is different and I feel more protected because of it. Because me watching them in action I watch what happened in my past the same new way.

Gentle regards

[tides2dust]

  That's wonderful Molly.

Yes, it makes sense. And through out your journey I hope to remind you of this little fact... We are all Gods children.

Human beings are babes in the eyes of Spirit- even adults. I have to remind my self of this daily, because I project my ideas of right and wrong- even perfection onto people like my employer or my parents. In most all my relationships.

But we are all unique beings learning with One God. No one else understands that uniqueness save God. I have to be more patient with my Mother, remembering she is not the perfection I sometimes unconsciously demand her to be.

You may not see how this relates to your personal experience... But I share because when I remember we are Gods children, I feel sympathy even for those who wrong others. They wrong themselves in the process, and at that point all I can do is give it to God and pray they are inspired by Truth, Beauty and Goodness.

I hope this helps and I very much appreciate your sharing. Reading your words, I feel you are headed in the right direction. Never forget the power of prayer and walking your Truth.

[Frostytraveler]

Tides makes some great points. Based on my experience and my observations of what others (family) have experienced, there is nothing wrong with being kind, and cutting people some slack when they behave selfishly or with a lack of sincerity. However, there should be limits. From what I have seen, a fair amount of people go through life "using" other people, and when the "need" is no longer there, they often disappear. When this type of individual causes stress to another, it will in turn lower their vibration which then lowers their spiritual progress. It is also bad for one's health and feeling of well-being. I am not ok with me giving away my energy to help others, when they in turn chronically act in a manner to lower mine and cause me sadness or stress. This is where I draw the line and set boundaries.

Some "friends" will drain the energy, knowledge, resources and advice out of you without ever returning the favor or without being there when you are in need. They will not even act neutrally, but instead become unavailable and disinterested. Now maybe it's their path to go through life indifferent to another's feelings, which can cause harm (intentionally or not), but I make sure it does NOT become my path by endlessly enduring such behavior. Boundaries go up and I move on. I have addressed some people regarding this cycle, but from experience, people really don't like when their insincere actions are exposed. They rarely change as well, so my lesson is to move on as soon as I realize this is a chronic problem.

In my opinion, friendship should be a mutual relationship, not one based on when it's convenient for one of the parties. If it is, it will be an ongoing stressor.

[Molly]

To Tidestodust

Thank you so much, yes, I agree, they wrong themselves first but don't realize they do and then wrong you and don't see that, but they must head that way in order to learn.

 If I was to think they way you do I think it would serve me good as in me keeping that good feeling to myself and keeping a healthy distance to what is going on.

I went through some bad stuff when still a kid. I've been told that was why I was then drawn to repeat the pattern of ending up with the same sort, lets say choice of partner, choice of friends, there was something there not solved or that these people were familiar to me, but me too having the pattern of giving much of myself and being "satisfied" with getting less in return or living on hope that one day I would. They were not all like that. All of them related to all the different parts of me.

I went away for some time and was not so much in contact with few people later in life and then when I returned  I could tell they all had the same energy level/personality traits (something I had never thought about before) and that something about me had changed while I was away and after a bad break up.

One of these"old people" (that I did not want to see again and didn't, an ex) from my old life had the same energy that one time got to be too much for me to handle and I remember how something just "clicked" in my head, like now I get it, now I've had enough, now I go. He was really over the top with that energy of his but the others (that played different roles in my life) were not too far behind. But because they weren't as bad as he was and a part of me had grown up having to accept it I did not react in a healthy way to start helping out myself.

I had never had that energy myself, been that type myself, so it was not that we were alike that did it, we "matched" which for me was bad news (and good news for him while it was) but I did not know it at the time, not so much, what was wrong. It was defects in both of us that made us "match".

Had he not been over the top, had he not been as bad as he was - and maybe most important - had I not been getting away from him when I did I don't know how it would have ended. The only way I think of is that it would be a bad ending, no matter. No escape from that. A good break up or something good that both can recognize afterwards just wasn't possible.

I've been told he was as bad as he was because he had not broken me yet, I was difficult for him to break, more so than he had thought. The others that he knew where he had them he did not show that side of or he would not show it like that. He would try to guilt trip me that in reality I deserved his bad ways but that he was actually the good guy about it and not giving me all the bad I deserved but that he was the way he was because I was plying hard to get which I wasn't, I was just not doing everything in the speed he wanted me to. I guess I could feel he did those things, offered those things for the wrong resons. But him trying to make me feel guilt always worked the first round and he expected it, but then when I thought about it I realized he was using manipulation and that it wasn't my fault .I should not feel guilt. And I wanted to talk what ever it was through so he could see he could trust me or we could solve it. But he never wanted to. I think he never wanted to because that worked to keep that fear, unspoken, and because he did not want to loose his power. When it was I thought about if he was scared to talk about it, to be that vulnerable, but I don't think it was. I surrendered that idea.

Long after the split I could tell through his language when ever he would manage to still get a message across that it was him using fear, or trying to guilt trip me, it was about him saying how much he loved me.

None of the words that he used was about if I loved him or about him wanting me to be happy. It wasn't about me following my free will, what I wanted out of life or what I wanted out of a relationship.

It was not even about if he cared that I loved him or not.

It was about what he felt, what he wanted. All about that.

I have thought if him being that way, his bad ways, turning out that way, was on a higher level meaning a sacrifice he made in spirit for what ever the reasons.

It's about balance as all things, reaching that balance in what ever situation there is, who ever you are dealing with or dealing with yourself. I am more aware today about balance than how it use to be, where as I was both pushed by some others too hard (when they shouldn't have and did for selfish reasons or because they were the same way) and pushed myself way too hard.

Gentle Regards



 

[Molly]

Tides makes some great points. Based on my experience and my observations of what others (family) have experienced, there is nothing wrong with being kind, and cutting people some slack when they behave selfishly or with a lack of sincerity. However, there should be limits. From what I have seen, a fair amount of people go through life "using" other people, and when the "need" is no longer there, they often disappear. When this type of individual causes stress to another, it will in turn lower their vibration which then lowers their spiritual progress. It is also bad for one's health and feeling of well-being. I am not ok with me giving away my energy to help others, when they in turn chronically act in a manner to lower mine and cause me sadness or stress. This is where I draw the line and set boundaries.

Some "friends" will drain the energy, knowledge, resources and advice out of you without ever returning the favor or without being there when you are in need. They will not even act neutrally, but instead become unavailable and disinterested. Now maybe it's their path to go through life indifferent to another's feelings, which can cause harm (intentionally or not), but I make sure it does NOT become my path by endlessly enduring such behavior. Boundaries go up and I move on. I have addressed some people regarding this cycle, but from experience, people really don't like when their insincere actions are exposed. They rarely change as well, so my lesson is to move on as soon as I realize this is a chronic problem.

In my opinion, friendship should be a mutual relationship, not one based on when it's convenient for one of the parties. If it is, it will be an ongoing stressor.

Yes, thank you so much, I couldn't agree with you more.