The Answer To My Prayer

[WindSong]

Hardest thing I ever had to write. Most painful dream of my life. My soul knew it was true. I was reading Astral Dynamics by Robert Bruce before going to sleep.

I woke up this morning(technically yesterday since it is nearly 1am) after a dream. I was considering driving down to my parents' to figure things out, but I would have let my emotions control me.

In the dream, I remember asking my mom, "Does dad ever hit you?"
To which she gave an immediate "No."
I said something along the lines of, "Come on."
She said, "Well, you know he used to drink a lot more."

That was the dream. Here's what makes it hurt. Damn. Having trouble.
One night I was playing with my Ninja Turtles and my parents were arguing. Damn. Hurts. Shaking while I write this. I remember seeing my parents struggling down the hall over the keys to his truck. He was VERY drunk and my mom wouldn't let him leave. I don't remember if he left or not, but I remember throwing my toys around the room. That's when I figured out I could break stuff. My parents told me later that I shouldn't throw things. I still do to this day.

I don't remember if it was the next morning, or some other time, but there was arguing as usual, and I heard glass breaking in their room and screaming. I sat quietly in my room playing with toys. I was about nine, maybe ten. After school, I get home before my parents, rushed to their bedroom to look for more drugs, and the window was gone. The room was thrashed. I called my best friend and said, "Come look." Bottles and cans everywhere, through the window, just a mess. I don't know what happened.

In high school, I got home one night and argued with my dad some more. He pushed me into the sink and stood there waiting for me to do something. I called the police and they made him get a room for the night.

He had at least one affair that me and my mom knew of, and I wouldn't be surprised if there were more that I just never knew about.

These were the most memorable arguments. Then of course there were times more recent where I tried getting him to fight me. I swung on him one night a few times but missed and went to the bar after punching a wall, and drank a lot while the bartender was wrapping up my hand.

I think the question now isn't "If," but "why?" Why does all this have to be? I can't even talk to him deeper than surface level. If I get mad at him, he ignores me, and then tells my mom how much of an idiot I am. That's why our modern arguments end up with one of us leaving the house for a bit. Sometimes I wonder if we should just duke it out, but one or both of us would end up getting hurt. I left over a month ago. I'm sure I'll be back, and then leave again. I'm used to it.

At 28, I wish I could handle myself better, but I have High Functioning Autism(Asperger's Syndrome), and am constantly drugged. Other people are always taking care of me. I collect a federal check every month, otherwise I'd be screwed. I do have my driver's license, and my own car, so I'm not completely bonkers, just slow.

I've been on medications or drugs(Even Ritalin[Meth] in the beginning until I tossed that out) of some sort ever since 9. Now, I'm taking Prozac and Zyprexa. Anti-depressant and anti-Psychotic. But for the last few nights I haven't been taking them. All the sudden I have this dream that triggers memories and tells me why I'm on medication in the first place. I finally figured it out. The doctors aren't as greedy as I thought only days ago. My insurance gives them $1000 a month, and in turn, I stay quiet and ignorant. Peaceful. It seems like every time I make a huge stride in resistance, life throws me something, even if it's just a memory of something. I guess life had nothing else to throw this time.

[Szaxx]

Perhaps when you take a deeper look into this you'll find you're making some kind of progress. Life threw nothing at you this time is very positive, whatever you thought of or have done recently may be a good thing to remember.
Your parents have issues that they need to deal with. Don't get tied up in it even if you want the best for them.
Charity begins at home and you should take care of yourself first and foremost.
With a clear head you can think clearly. You may not be too influential with them but you can influence yourself to get a nicer existance in this world.
Deep thoughts are required then you may find some inner peace. It sounds like you need this.