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can anybody help me figure this out?

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steveb

Greetings,  sounds like mind games to me, you can create temporary superficial persona's for certian situations. When the false persona draws on the real personatity to back it up it cant.
           It's like when you go to a party ect, most people dress up, do there hair ,check there persona and of they go.

           You have the advantage that you are aware that your doing it, a lot of people do not, and sometimes it sad.
         
           At the end of the day, it's mind games

           Just be you    

           Regards Steve


WalkerInTheWoods

I think it is in your mind. You probably did not want to show this friend your darker side so you could not bring this personality to the surface. I am not sure if I total understand what you are doing. To me though it just sounds like you are exploring your own personality. You wanted to explore your darker side so you created this personality to do that with, and with this you do not have to deal with the aspects that you do not wish to see at the time.
Another though, this friend sounds like she might be rather spiritually developed. Posibly just by being around her she influences people in a positive manner. She may bring out the better qualities in you thus making you suppress the darker feelings.
I do not believe in demons, other than the ones we create for ourselves. In other words they are just sybolic of the things we see as bad or evil, or the things that we allow to stress us.

Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way.

cainam_nazier

In the non-spiritual sense I ask this question.   Have you ever just been around some one whos presence just seems to force you to be yourself?  Normally for most people this happens with the opposite sex, but it happens.

It is possible that with your friend she causes a similar action but on a more spiritual level.  It may not be that other personalities are evil, I do not think this is the case, or are demons, but rather that she causes a person to just be themselves.

Look at it this way.  If she is in fact highly spiritual she has spent a large amount of time getting to know herself and to be true to that form.  And also a spiritual person who has developed to a certain point also begins to understand the basic human mind, this understanding helps them discover a persons true nature.  It could be that she so actively looks for the truth in all things that when an individual is around her they can nt help but be themselves, or rather thier true self.

Seek with in all things the truth and it shall set you free.


David Rogalski
cainam_nazier@hotmail.com

Fenris

Kakkarot

Firstly consider that there is a 'core' to every person, which for the sake of this we could call a sumation of experiences (this life and past), or perhaps we could call it our true self. Now our personality (or the ego of the mind) is somthing which is based on this core self but developes via experence to conform to our envioronment.

This is taken further by the creation of multiple 'sub personalities' I call masks which add onto our main personality to further allow us to conform to a more refined environment/group. For example the different ways we act at parties, around someone we find attractive or the way we act at home.

As you can see the personality (either the main personality or masks) are not set in stone, they are fluid and change to create the least resestance possible for our day to day lives.

Now a person who is aware that they create masks all the time can use this knowledge to create a specialist personality, not so much to conform, but for a specific purpose. This is called Glamoring in some circles. It is safe if at all times you remain aware that it is not your true self. To approach it from the angle you have (that it is a whole new persona) is dangerous.

Sorry I realise that you of course probalbly know a lot of this and I dont mean to patronise.

Your 'personalities' are not demons, just posibilities. As an existance our true self (usually) is neither good nor bad, it is neutal. But the personality which we develope can take on a good or bad depending on our environment, for example the culture we are raised in. The sub personalities you have created just are  different posible expressions of your true self.

My advice is that you realise that is our true self emcompasses good, bad and everything in between than our true personality which is a creation of the true self, can easily express these polarities without a need to change into a whole new persona.

I can elaborate later if this does not make sence

regards
David

Veni Vidi Vici

kakkarot

ok, so to clarify something that i forgot to, these personalities are NOT merely masks. i know about masks from psycology. masks are temporary things that are created as a sort of interface for your true self to interface with others in the easiest possible way.

my personalities are not temporary, nor are they situational. i can take any of my personalities into any situation and they will act differently than each other or than myself. if i were to take the nature one into a seminar on "how to cut down a tree" or something, i would probably end up hurting someone. but if i took the assassin into the same seminar, he would try to force me to walk out on it because there would be no reason for him to be there (unless there was).

they are not masks, each time i bring one out, i change myself to become that person and keep my true values, opinions, beliefs, etc stored in the back of my mind. it's like changing my true self. however, there have been times when i would use one of the personalities and i would not be able to completely control it, and when i finally just put myself back in place, it felt as though some being was being sublimated within me, rather than just my mind and spirit changing themselves. (the personalities are more than just masks because even each of them use masks when dealing with certain people in certain situations)

as to whether demons exist or not, maybe they are what people around here call negs, or maybe some people around here call them negs along with other forms of entities. after all, people believe in things like sylphs and fairies, as well as guides, so why not fallen angels?

as to my friend though, she didn't exactly develop her abilities. she told me they were given to her by God, which i can't find any reason to disbelieve. also, the part of me that always comes out when i talk to her isn't my true-est self, it is my happiest and most pleasant self - not because she forces it but because i am always so happy to have her as a friend. so it isn't that she forces people to be their true-est self, but maybe just not their worst selfs.

fenris: it is good to hear someone else say those words other than me for once: "our true self (usually) is neither good nor bad, it is neutal". this is what i have come to conclude about humans because it seems that people grow up in such ways that they seem predisposed to be good or evil (ie caring vs abusive parents), and only major events in their lives can change the path.

thanks for your ideas so far, the knowledge and ideas you are giving me help me to try to see the situation from as many perspectives as i can.

~kakkarot

Secret of Secrets

Fenris

Hey kakkarot

Ok I understand what your getting at now.

"i can take any of my personalities" (note the "i")

So what this statement says is that you DO still have a main personality (dominant ?) or ego with which you do most of your interacting and use to percieve your  other personalities which are strong and independant when in 'control'.

These other personalities were not moulded and fashoned like your dominant personality (through experience) but rather creations of your dominant personality (based on the worldly experience of your dominant personality).

So there is still a you which is in control - as you have made clear. However you have given alternate personalities created by the imagination of the dominant mind the autonomy and detail to 'take control' - am I on the right track?

Im no psychologist but I must ask are you happy with this? Do you like being able to hand over control to a more specialised persona?

If yes, than I guess that you just should gain more knowledge on what it is you are doing and learn to sharpen your skills. I do not know what dangers and negatives are attached to this but surely there will be some.

If no than what your dominant mind has created, it can destroy. And Im sure there are many people who can help you.

best regards

Fenris

Veni Vidi Vici

astralc

kakkarot

Fenris, I am a psychologist, and what you describe kakkarot is very similar to Multiple Personality Disorder. Even though you have a degree of control and created them consciously your description is much the same as the disorder.

MPD is not possession by demons, it is all in the mind psychologically speaking. If you have total control then fine, but if, as you last mentioned, they do have control while 'out there', then maybe you might want to go back to being yourself.

This is not evil or wrong, as has been said before, but they might lead to what is called 'splitting', which is further 'fragmentation' of your psyche into more personalities with even less control.

MPD usually comes about after a child experiences prolonged abuse, neglect or traulma, and I am not suggesting that this is the case for you Kakkarot. But if it happens under the worst experiences a human can have then why would someone want to create multiple personalities when things are going fine?

I believe that a 'whole' personality is safer, psychologically and psychically, than bits and pieces. Kakkarot, it might be a good idea to bring them together and fashion a single powerful personality who can utilise all their best qualities in the one form, you.

Astralc

www.shoal.net.au/~astralc

Grenade01

I don't know.  It's not so similar to multiple personalities (Dissociative Identity disorder it's called right?) Because your dominant personality is not supposed to remember or have any knowledge of the other identities unless someone brings it to your attention, and even then your like okay I get these black outs and people tell me I have another identity.

I have become aware several times of completely different mindsets I have on certain occasions, and I've wondered why a slight change in your environment or routine can cause you to act / react so different given a certain situation.  Of course I havent tried to bring about, or seperate these states of mind so that I can use them to any "advantage" or given them names or called them seperate personalities or anything like that.  Just an observation of a very obvious change in consciousness or something...like steveb was saying I guess.  So I dont know if you've just taken this type experience to the extreme, or its something else entirely

I guess I have nothing to say though
Heh...*I feel so not useful*

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kakkarot

fenris: you are on the EXACT right path for this. i created the personalities. unfortunately though, because i have used them so much, the personalities have been and are being moulded and shaped by life (experiences). kinda weird. and there have been a couple of times where one of the personalities gained almost complete control of myself and i had to mentally threaten myself before i got control back. i have since put more safe guards and automatic defenses in place. (but it is kinda cool to know that i created something that is going beyond a mere creation). i am not happy with it, but neither am i unhappy with it

astralc: maybe some MPDs are "demon" possessions, maybe it is all just imagined. but as to WHY? cause in some situations, certain people are better at doing certain things than other people. so why not have different people all in the same body so that one body can be a "specialized generalist"? besides they can come in handy sometimes. for instance, if i know i am being followed by someone, i can use the assassin personality, talis, to go into a back alley somewhere and be able to hide and watch whoever is following me. i have only done this once, and the person was only going the same way as me rather than following me, but it is handy if it is needed.

cainam: i think that idea of blanking out is a misnomer created by holliwood. but not sure for sure :)

thanks for you 'more input' everyone :)

kakkarot

Secret of Secrets

astralc

Kakkarot

the input you have received has been really positive and quite correct, and as you just stated the personalities do not have to be hidden, the main personality is usually aware of most if not all the others.

If you are coping with them, why not continue? You must be either unsure or frightened? Have you asked yourself this question?

Astralc

www.shoal.net.au/~astralc

Rob

I was going to talk about fracturing of the personality etc  but I see that astralc has already said all that and I fully agree with him. I was reading a text I think called "revolutionary psychology" by some Gnostic bloke who laughed at the very idea that (most) people are any single "personality" - he said that everyone is simply a collection of different personas which clamour to be heard and "be " you. One of the goals of spiritual progressionis to intergrate all these "yous" into one You...I mean you have to progress every single side of you, which becomes easier when they are all in one place

Anyway I remember reading something 'kinda' similar from a chaos magick page, I'll paste it out below:




History:
Aeldor is an egregore created by magickal contamination, he used to be a
part of yours truly as a very, VERY evil AD&D character...(scoff all you
want) By the magickal contamination, being practising magick while still in
the Aeldor mindset, the part of me which was once a role I played became
semi-sentient, and turned into what psychologists would probable term "an
alter" however, as time progressed (some three years of "being" Aeldor for
five hours a week) Aeldor became more developed and real, in the sence that,
when playing the game, others perceived a distinct change in my demeanor,
and even in my facial features, which became very angular when in
character...

this went on for a while, until the character started to have insane and
theoretically impossible, luck with the dice...it was is if it did not want
to die,in a very bad way...I never failed any attacks or saving throws,
usually doing maximum damage on each attack.

This started to worry my dungeon Master who at one point addressed me in the
following way: "are you sure it's still YOU that's playing the game?"
Then it dawned on me...
Aeldor was alive...the rest of the OP-cult soon followed suit and told me it
was becoming obvious that Aeldor was no longer a part of my imagination
anymore...

then one day, Aeldor dissappeared.

I kept wondering why I could not properly roleplay the character
anymore...the answer was obvious, Aeldor had separated himself from my
etheric patter and become a spirit of sorts.

It was not soon after this that I atempted to contact him, it worked...
While being posessed by him, he told me that he was now free, no longer a
part of me...

Later I attempted several workings with Aeldor, and discovered that his
considerable "in-game" might, had not been lost during the transition from
fantasy to spirit...the person I attacked was never the same, and suffers
from Annorexia to this day.


(!!!Formerly known as Inguma!!!)
You are the Alpha and the Omega. You are vaster than the universe and more powerful than a flaring supernova. You are truly incredible!!

astralc

Inguma

that was some detective work, well done, sure adds light on the subject of adopting a personality created from fantasy. I agree with your "revolutionary psychology" Gnostic psych bloke, we are a combination of personalities that we draw upon in various situations. This is also called 'situational' personalities, we use them on a day to day basis. But MPD / Dissociative Personality Disorder is far removed from ordinary situations.

Good work Inguma

Astralc

www.shoal.net.au/~astralc

Fenris

Dear Kakkarot

Glad I figured it out, hope I helped in some way, seems however we have attracted some professional help! http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/images/icon_Smile.gif" border=0>

From what Inguma has added it seems that by giving a so called situational personality a strong identity its thought form can gain an inteligence which allows it to become autonomus and free from you. If so than this is VERY VERY dangerous! And mainly for you. If you have ever read anything about creating a though form you would have read that you should always give them a definate end to their existance-usually little longer than a week. Then you destroy them. Allowing a thought form to exist longer can lead to all sorts of complications. One being that they may turn to you as an energy source - food. This can cause ill health.

Now consider that a created thought form is a single minded existance and it can hurt you. Imagine what an inteligent creation could do if it became no longer of you, but still attached or linked to you. An inteligence capable of running a human body - left without one as its energy producer. And what if it decided to take your energy insted?

Certainly a con to consider!

regards

David

Veni Vidi Vici

Grenade01

Astral c:  "...the main personality is usually aware of most if not all the others."

From what I read it's not ??  Both in my psychology book (yes Im taking psychology right now) and on the internet.  Do you figure the possibility of the main personality knowing about the others is just not accepting by modern psychology yet?  I want to know your reasoning on this, because your saying the opposite of what seems to be the psychological standard.....or something

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kakkarot

astral c: hidden? i don't get. but, yes i do know of all the personalities. as to whether i am coping, i don't know just yet. i had "an experience" that i would like to try to figure out more about. and it may have included possession, but may have been what the thing that iguma posted was. but either way, it wasn't good.

actually, since you have all been so helpful so far, i will tell you more than i was planning on telling you when i started this.

as in the post from inguma, the three main personalities that i created did indeed become more than just personalities. but they have not yet developed into what could be termed as full humans yet. but at one point in my life, i did try to throw them out; i had decided to try and live my life without them and so i threw them out. but i realized life was soooooooo boring without them. so i called them back. it took a while for two of them to come back, but the third one almost seemed as though he was staying with me because he had no where else to go (?) .

also, to shed some more light on the subjects, they aren't evil. kakkarot is goodly, talis is neutral, and arcanum arcanorum doesn't care about mankind. next, fenris, no need to worry. they are not going to hurt "me". we all live in the same body, so they aren't going to do something stupid enough to get us killed. they help me whenever they can. i actually used to have quite a few interesting "debates" and conversations with them.

"An inteligence capable of running a human body - left without one as its energy producer" i am confused by this.

now onto "the experience"...
ah, shoot i am out of time in the lab.

i will post it either tommorrow or thursday.
once again, thanks so much for your information and insights
~kakkarot

Secret of Secrets

Fenris

Kakkarot

sorry, what I ment was this...

The level of inteligence and the complexity of a human mind requires (this is all my reasoning) a good level of energy to work. A human has the energy body to regulate and supplie this energy- a homeostasis process.

A thought form free from your body (which it was suggested that your personalities could become) needs to be given or fed energy, if you dont they will cease to exist. But if they have existed long enough to become complex they can potentially go looking for their own food. A sort of I think therefore I am thing. Being that your personalities are obviously closely attuned to you, you would be the most appealing sourse of energy. This is going out on a limb but do you think that your talis personality would choose to feed on you or ceace to exist?

Dont worry though this is just thoughts that came up in the entropy that is my mind, its all pretty far fetched!

It is interseting that you choose one of your personality names as your online name. My online name comes from something so very malevolent of which I have an attraction of sorts (its all kinda scary!). So dont feel like you have put yourself out to be poked and prodded by medical students, we all have our personal shadows.

Veni Vidi Vici

steveb

Greetings all, Iguma mentioned an interesting book in his post, Revolutionary Psychology, discribes an interesting stucture concept in relation to Ego's. Well I suppose the title explians it "Revolutionary Psychology".
If your intersested in an online copy, email me below, it's about 200k

[besteve@optushome.com.aul]


Regards  Steve


kakkarot

"The experience"
(dum dum dum) :)

(geez i hate talking about my past because my life is so intertwined with itself that, to truly understand it, you have to understand almost my entire life. but i will keep this as short and to as much relevant info as possible)

    background

i have been practicing the martial arts for years.

i have been doing this personality splitting for years as well. my first split was between my good self and my evil self. i did this because i was baptized somewhere around that time and i realized that if i wanted to be a true christian (not just some religious dimwit) i would have to go beyond what most people were doing and i would have to devote myself completely to God. i was planning on destroying my evil self, but after the split i realized that without my evil side i would always just let people walk all over me and i would be completely pathetic, though extemely goodly. so i kept my evil side to "watch my back". unfortunately, after a few months of having the split, both sides were in complete conflict i had to threaten myself with killing myself a number of times to get both sides to stop from doing stupid things. so i "sewed" them back together. and that is the state i was in right up until last year; a good side and an evil side that were being forced to be together.

i first created kakkarot as a means for me to continue loving the martial arts without giving up my pacifism. i figured that if i was ever in a situation where a fight was absolutely neccessary, i would just bring out kakkarot and then put him away when i was done. after a few months of training, though i realized that kakkarot, based off of Goku from Dragon Ball Z, wasn't likely to fight unless i was hit, and in a real fight, waiting to be the first hit can be a very dangerous situation. so i modified him to be more saiyan-esque; to love fighting, not just the martial arts.

around the same time as both of these, i found chi. i started using it on its own, never really knowing whether it was real or imagined. after a couple of years, i started trying to incorporate chi into my form of martial arts. i didn't realize it for a few years afterward, but sometime during this training, i started using ki. but since i had never heard of either chi or ki, i didn't realize i was using a different energy. and it happened so naturally, that i didn't notice.

over the years, my ability in the martial arts were increasing, but i had no way of measuring them since i never got into a fight. this became ever more frustrating as my training continued. when i came to calgary (where i currently am) i got a job as a bus boy and i used up all my chi working at that job. i have always had an incredible desire, and almost need, to do the best possible job i can do when i am doing it for someone other than myself.

    this is where the important stuff begins.

in calgary i finally found out about ki and chi and i started associating the words with the energies i feel just because the descriptions fit so well, i figured it couldn't be coincidence.

i finally used up all my chi after living in calgary for one year and four months. it was at the beginning of march of 2001 that this all began. i just turned 19 in january, which is another big issue which i will talk about below.

after burning off all my chi (converting it to ki in order to do my job better), i started forcing my body to convert the food that i eat into some sort of energy that i could then burn off to fuel my ki. i began to be REALLY hungry (everyone who does marijuana knows what it is like to have the munchies, well i don't do drugs and i still had the munchies). so after every meal, my body would suck out as much energy from the food as it could, and i would use it to fuel my ki; this means i was starving all day of every day, and if anyone here has ever gone on a fast, you can attest that the pain is fairly intense sometimes.

since i was out of chi, my body started using my ki to perform all the regular functions that chi normally does for the body. however, using ki as a substitute for chi is a very inefficient way of doing things, but my body needed to. i probably should have been converting it to chi, but my job as a busser was very demanding physically and chi just doesn't give enough power.

but this way of fueling my ki wasn't enough; i had to get fuel somewhere else, and the only place left was my own body. so my fat was burned off as fuel, which lasted for approximately three and a half months. the reason i had to go to my own body, is because calgary is SO deprived of chi (compared to what i am used to) that it would take me about three minutes of absorbing to absorb enough chi to last me for a single day. plus, because the ambient level is so low, i had to do this from a semi-trance state since i couldn't feel it otherwise. and this amount of time wasn't practical for my time table.

another factor that led to the experience is a natural function of the body. the hormones. like i said, 19, hormones, virgin, do the math. very frustrating. since i relalized that if i were to let my hormones rage as they normally would in a 19 year old i would most likely do something i would regret, i converted this frustration into anger. anger i could use to help me at my job. the only thing i needed to do was make sure that i didn't let it get out of control (which i was able to do for the entire time i was in calgary).

however, my evil side would often try to take over during these periods of anger and eventually created a personality of its own that used ki very well, and even led to me finding out something about ki that i didn't know before. dark ki (but once again, i didn't know it yet). after using it for a couple of months, i was getting really used to the new way of using my ki. then during some free time i had, i went and rented a movie: Street Fighter Alpha the Animation. This let me realize what was happening with my ki, that i was using dark ki. all the symptoms were the same as what Ryu was going through, though to a lesser scale (plus i can't throw balls of energy around, thank God). and for the next couple of months, the symptoms increased as my frustrations grew (both sexual and that i wanted to test my martial arts ability), and it started to occur that my ki was fuelling my dark emotions and dark thinking. i named the new personality, that my evil side created, Akuma because it fit.

in the middle of june of 2001, my body ran out of fat to fuel my ki. so my muscles and internal organs were the next thing to be used as fuel. this was painful. if you don't know the meaning of pain, this is it. even the memory inspires pain in me today. even using the ki to dull the pain as it was burning my body off to use for strength. like a mobius strand; the event leads to the action, the action leads to the event. and by this time, i needed to use my dark ki to even live. so for the next two weeks, my consciousness was barely more than a culmination of pain, frustration, and anger, but i still managed to keep it under control.

finally it ended (june 25th 2002) cause i got a break from school and i could go home to medicine hat. first thing i did when i got there was to absorb enough chi to last me for around 6 months (even though it was only about 1/2 of the amount of chi i was used to having before i left medicine hat for calgary). i was then able to relax and live comfortably. i was no longer using the dark ki, or any ki at all. i was now using chi again. it was sooooooo good.

but then, one day, somewhere around july 13th, i (19 years old) was sitting at the medicine hat transit terminal (relatively small city, only one transit terminal) with my best friend (17 years old), his little brother (13 years old), and a friend of my best friend (16 years old). now, my best friend is like a brother to me; i literally feel that he is more akin to family than any member of my real family. we did so many fun things together, and we knew each other very well. it was just the past christmas break (december of 2000) that i even taught him about chi and how to feel it.

so we were sitting there, and his friend was being rude to passers-by. i told him to knock it off since i have a really sensitive empathic ability and i don't like to see others hurt physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. so he started telling me off and this annoyed me. he hurt me just a little emotionally, and since i was so used to using dark ki from the previous four months i started using it to comfort myself. just a little, mind you; not even enough to put a negative feeling on a small cat.

then my best friend's little brother (who was video taping the reactions of the people the other guy was being rude to) turns the video camera (don't ask me where they got it from cause i don't think even i want to know) at me and says something like "hey, let's get [my real name]'s reaction". and he said it in such a way that i knew he was being just as much of an ***-hole as the other guy. this ticked me off. it should have only annoyed me slightly again, but since i was already using dark ki, any "dark" emotion i used was amplified greatly (something i didn't know at the time). now the ki was burning hot enough that i could have scared the crap out of someone if i had directed my energy at them, even if they didn't see me looking at them. i told him, as calmly as i could manage, to turn the camera off (i think i might have said, "or i'll break it", but i don't remember). but what really surprised me, was when my best friend told me to leave him alone. this shocked me because it meant my best friend was being practically telling his little brother that being rude is okay. and because of the shock, i couldn't stop my dark ki from burning more hotly than i could handle, because it was now being fuelled by more chi than i was used to having to fuel ki. it burned more hotly than i could possibly have handled, impossibly hot. and since i couldn't handle it, akuma took over by default.

now something else i should tell you about akuma is that he isn't evil, he is destructive. evil doesn't matter to him, only destruction and chaos matter to him. this is a distinction i make because i don't think even my evil side could completely control him.

but akuma took over, and my evil side took over with him (kinda like a little man riding on a giant's shoulder). my evil side took over my brain, while akuma took over my body and my ki. i remember thinking things about the three people i was with being evil and being worth killing; that because of the fact that they are so quick to hurt others emotionally, they would be quick to hurt others in any way they wanted to. my evil side was telling me that there is no such thing as a "little evil", that all evil needed to be destroyed, and that i would be the one to "cleanse" this evil. and it got to me. my good side has always been anguished by the fact that humans aren't any where near as goodly as we would like to think ourselves to be. and with my evil side sweet talking my good side, my good side started believing that i could indeed by the one to destroy evil and promote good.

the reason my evil side needed to con my good side was because of one of the automatic defenses i put in place was that in order to do anything even remotely extreme to either side required complete consensus of my mind, body and spirit. my body was controlled by akuman who was more than willing to destroy, he just needed to be allowed to be let loose. my spirit was under control of akuma as well because of the dark ki. but my mind was still split between good and evil. but my evil side talked my good side into doing it.

this is when i completely lost control. i now believed that any human that displayed even a little evil was all evil, and that i would be the one to exterminate the evil. so my evil side got control. and it started formulating a plan of how i would kill the three people that were with me. and it finished too. i had decided how i would kill them, what maneuvers to use, who to attack first, everything. and i could have done it; i was more powerful at that moment than any number of teenagers that you could fit into that transit terminal. i reconfirmed my plan twice. then i went to do it, i sat forward in anticipation of the first attack.

then i went over the plan once more, and at the end i looked at my best friend again. REALLY looked at him. i finally remembered who he was; practically my brother. my friend whom i had known for years. who i had done so many fun things with. i knew he wasn't evil, that he didn't deserve to die. finally, i started yelling at myself to stop, but it was a weak voice in the bottom of my mind. i didn't believe for a second i would stop. i was begging with myself to stop. but akuma was still ready to destroy, and my evil side had already gained the permission in order to continue. but i continued, and after what seemed an eternity, everything reset. i was in control of my mind again. my dark ki wasn't being used. my evil side was saying nothing, my good side was saying nothing. akuma had relinqueshed control as well for some reason. i was back. i didn't know why, but i was back.

and i was scared. i sat back and checked the other people to see if they had noticed anything; they were acting as though nothing had yet happened. it was when my best friend's friend said "well, if you don't like how i'm acting you could leave, ya know" that i realized all of that which had just happened had only taken a few seconds. it felt like ten minutes at least, even up to an hour, not merely three seconds! nobody had noticed anything odd with me. i was relieved at that. but still scared about what happened. he had made that remark in a smart *** tone and i knew he didn't really mean it, so i was going to respond in kind. but then i stopped and thought about what he said. i realized i should go home, for my sake and for the sake of everyone.

so i left, and i threw away all my chi. and i spent the next few days (the complete days) thinking about what had happened and about what had caused it. i then thought about how to prevent it. i came to the conclusion that i would have to deal with the things that frustrated me in my life so much that i began using dark ki in the first place. so i got into a fight, to test my martial arts abilities. the fight didn't go the way i thought it would, but at least i had gotten the experience i craved so badly. and the other thing was that i decided to loose my viriginty. but this still hasn't happened yet.

since the event took place, i have had nearly a year to cope with it. and i have calmed my spirit quite a bit from when it happened. i barely allow myself to have enough chi to live for more than a week or two at a time, so even if i do loose control to the dark ki again, it won't last long (relatively) before it kills me or before i run out of energy enough that i can try to force myself in control again. i have also completely melded my good and evil sides back together (one of the first things i did) so that this is completely unlikely to happen again. i have left akuma alive for now because without dark ki he never wants to come out. and without chi, i won't be consciously using dark ki. and because i have become so much more tranquil i shouldn't be using it out of anger or accident. however, even with all these things, i have accidentally used it four times now, mere sparks of dark ki that lasted only a few seconds each time, but potent reminders that i am not done with it yet. also, each of those four times, i was in control, not akuma. also, i have stopped using all of my personalities.


---------------------
writing all this has drained my mentally and spiritually. but i am not done yet. i still have a problem i need to tell, and ask help for. much more specific than the one in my first post of this thread. but i also still have not completely figured out what to say. so i will have to post it later. although, please begin responding as soon as you desire to.

~kakkarot (wow took me two and a half hours just to write that)

Secret of Secrets

distant bell

Hi Kakarot!

I have not have time to read al posts yet.. only the ones on the first page..
Well, being into ritual magick- that is what I know most about. So I will tap
into my knowledeg on that..
When you work in magick you soemtimes create a "magickal personality"
This is just a fantasy personality that has certain qualitys that you need for
that specific thing you whant to do.  The same thing when you invoke a diety or god- then you can do something called " the assumton (spelling?) of a god form". Basically you just sit down or stand in the posture you associate with that god, and imagine that you are that god, and in that way you "tune in" with the energy that that god represents. In magcik al is just a mental thing.
And in order for these magick personalitys and invocations to work you need not to be disturbed. That´s why you have the whole stage of the altar- to create the right environment.

In your case you seem to have created the same kind of thing with your personalitys.. And it is not at al strange that it might be hard to bring them on in the precense of good freíends that have never seen you like that.

Hm.. make any sense?

Felix

-- Love is the Law - Love under Will --

distant bell

I looked the topic through a bit more.. and realised that there have been loads
of new posts since I looked last time.. my psot was intended as an aswer to why you couldn´t get your tought personality going during the "fight" at the pub (was it a pub) whith that woman around..

I will read them al through now and post back!

-- Love is the Law - Love under Will --

kakkarot

the problem is this: for the past year i have been reflecting on what happened last year. i have realized that during those four months, my thoughts focused heavily on my best friend. and many situations occured that almost seemed to force me to use the dark ki.

this year, situations are occuring that once again are seemingly trying to force me to use the dark ki. but this time around though, my mind is centering around a different person; a sixteen year old girl that i just met last year (just before the dark ki events began). it seems that she, like my best friend, is important to my future for some reason. and i am scared that i will loose control of the dark ki again, just like i did last year, only this time the focus seems it will be on her.

so, if any one can help me by telling me how to prevent this from happening, i would be extremely greatfull.

~kakkarot









Secret of Secrets

steveb

Greetings all,
      I've just had a lesson in why you should check a post after you've posted it.

Previous post:            
           Greetings all, Iguma mentioned an interesting book in his post, Revolutionary Psychology, discribes an interesting stucture concept in relation to Ego's. Well I suppose the title explians it "Revolutionary Psychology".
If your intersested in an online copy, email me below, it's about 200k

This is the correct email            
[besteve@optushome.com.au]


Appologies for the error

Regards  Steve



astralc

kakkarot

I can't say that I have a lot of experience with MPD or DPD, but your inner struggle ain't all that strange, it does happen with others, not many, but some. I believe that they are also afraid to tell anyone about it. I think that your story is best told just the way you are doing it, from the heart and in slow pieces.

Can I give you a book title and author which describs a smiilar story, I hope it isn't too distressing for you, 'cause it is real.

First Person Plural, my life as a multiple - by Cameron West

As I said before I have not worked with many people with multiple personalities, but what has helped is someone to listen, so keep going mate.

Astralc

www.shoal.net.au/~astralc
"The marriage of the ancient arts of astrology, taoism, tantra and the modern science of psychology."

distant bell

Hi Kakkarot

You talk about DARK KI...
I woiuld like to hear more about this.
I have always belived that all energy comes from the
self and is created in a way to fitt our needs- or rather
our expectations. So I have to say that I think that ki and
dark ki might be the same thing.. just that one uses the energ
to good or bad things. If the negative side takes overhand
it "turns into" dark ki , and if the positive side takes over it´s
just good old ki. But I don´t know i´m no expert.. but my intuition
tells me that there only is one energy- and that that one is nether
good nor bad, but shapable.

Felix

-- Love is the Law - Love under Will --

kakkarot

astral c: yeah, i know that a few others must go through it too, but the big problem is finding help. thanks for your help, and thanks for the reference of the book; i'll look into when i get some time and when i find it. but it isn't so much the personality thing that i am worried about, it is the loss of control to the dark ki.

distant bell: the dark ki is a strange form of energy. i still haven't been able to experiment with it much (for the obvious reason that if you loose control, ... ) but i do know that it is very much akin to what is shown in Street Fighter Alpha: The Animation. When i first saw that movie, i was blown away by what Ryu was going through, because it was almost exactly the same as the turmoil i was going through. also, there are three forms to ki that i have heard of: light ki, ki, and dark ki. and since this is what they feel like, this is what i call them.

~kakkarot

Secret of Secrets