repetition-reality drugs and dreams

[dRealM]

hello everyone.  I've spent the last few days just cruising through this site and enjoying many topics and discussions.  I've been interested in AP for quite sometime now.  I began researching for something.. i wasn't sure what i was looking for but i just hit the net and eventually discovered what AP was.  I'm positive I've had AP/lucid experiences my whole life but that is where it gets a bit confusing.  My life has been good, i grew up in a small resort town did some partying in high school.. experimented with a few things.. eventually losing my mind around the age of 20... i had been places and seen things I cant explain.  I got some help from a medical professional to make my parents happy but that's all it was.. to make them happy... i jumped through the hoops and got absolutely nothing out of it except for a clean system.  This is when i began my hunt for answers.  I was lost.. how could some of this be possible?  I would walk through a crowded area and people would some how know me and know where i had been.  It was like bits and pieces of peoples conversations would blend into perfect sentences.  it was almost as if people could hear what i was thinking and answering my thoughts in these fragmented pieces.  At this point I'm thinking ok.. I'm just imagining this.   I spent a lot of time on the computer and reading books people would suggest to me but still i didn't feel i was getting anywhere.  This is a bit tricky to explain but I'll do my best.  when i go to sleep not always but most of the time i feel like my body is riding a wave of some kind.. pulsing... some times its really intense sometimes not.. then depending on if i remember or not I'll have some crazy butt dream where i talk to people without moving my lips and the same for the people who are talking to me..  then ZZZZZZZZZZ bam i feel like I've been struck by lightning and I hear a wicked buzzing in my ear. The same buzzing that I felt and heard in my days of heavy drug use(one night) to be specific.  So my mind is going nuts trying to figure this out.. the dreams keep happening... not the same every time but the same concept and feelings.. repetition.. and i start to notice patterns in my waking life also.. like zombies... wake up, eat, work, eat, work, eat, sleep, repeat... but say with people.. you have people you know say in your home town.. you can go far away and you will run into people you've never met before and you will see your friend or co-worker or what ever coming right out of that stranger almost as if they knew you somehow.  So i keep seeing these situations.. and saying to myself am i dreaming or am i awake? I honestly don't know.  So 5 years down the road i decide to not be afraid anymore and I think if i smoke again I'll experience this but with the past few years of info gathering and mental growth maybe I'll be able to get closer.  The first time i smoked I went nuts.. the fear was still there and my body just shut down.  I rolled up in a ball and slept it off.  its been a few months now and I'm still trying to rid my fear but I can't comprehend what is happening.  I smoke and begin to feel the pulse waves.. the same waves i feel before falling asleep.  I try to concentrate on the vibrations and sounds I'm experiencing then the people I'm with usually get to me with conversation that I think i read into a bit much but... but I'll be sitting there thinking about why this is happening and i feel my body rocking back and forth like I'm nodding my head in agreement to something I'm unaware of.  then I'll try and figure out what is going on and out of the corner of my eye I'll see my friend shaking his head like he is disagreeing with my thoughts then when i get closer or have a different thought about the problem he'll nod like I'm on the right path.. all the while the pulsing almost feels like my heartbeat and when I'm getting the nods the pulsing is loud and i can feel it all over my body.. but when I'm not on the right path and they are shaking their heads like I'm wrong the pulsing fades and the sounds fade and the room atmosphere changes.  This is just a big rambling I'm trying to get my thoughts out but they don't seem to be flowing so this is a bit jumpy and i am sorry for that.  So now I am just tired.. i can't believe that I'm crazy, but i just don't know where to go or who to talk to or what to say to get the answers that i want.   How can a dream feel more real than reality, how can I feel and experience the same things as my dreams for brief moments in reality under the influence of certain drugs?  recently I've had a series of dreams where i feel like I'm flying extremely fast.. like i can feel my body almost falling apart like a vortex is around me propelling me forward and i slam into this wall of light and once i hit it its like I'm being bombarded by everything all at once.. my eyes are closed but i see light all around me and I'm being pushed from all angels like is a security force  or like bouncers at a doorways checking my excrement like I'm not supposed to be there and they are just dumbfounded that i am there so they hound me with questions and yell at me pushing me away until finally i give up its almost like the pressure is too much for my body to handle and the feeling just fades.. i am certain all of this has happened to me my whole life i just didn't really realize it until adulthood.. when i look back at my life and apply some of the strange situations i have encountered i don't believe it started with drugs.. i think they just intensified it or possibly just opened a door or two in my brain a bit wider than they were before.  I'm not sure what I'm expecting by posting this.  It feels good that i wrote it down.. i have a journal that hasn't been touched in a while.. so maybe this is filling that void.  But also maybe someone can relate to my experience or knows someone who can.. who knows... is it about money? or the truth? or family?  I feel that AP could help me.. if i could find my guide/s and ask them.. but my control sucks.. and its almost like I've already gone down that road and i still come up with nothing.. ok so that was interesting after i just went through and read what i just wrote...

just for fun... some bits of info that are solid in my head but don't know what they mean or why I've come across them

who is the green man?
what are the 3 pillars?
this game has tons of levels?
what game?
what is the fever?


so where do we go from here....

[ubiquitous]

Cool post drealM, i can relate to alot that you have said/experienced, it is funny looking back at your own posts.
It's not easy to extrpolate your own feelings & experiences into words, but once ya start u can't stop!
As for your solid head info i don't know....
but have seen a few green men whilst playing games at the 3pillar hotel and ended up with a fever !