New here looking for help but know it’s probably impossible.

[Soulsurvivor]

Hey there,

Have been a follower of AP but never actually posted anything before. I just loved reading about AP and although I've never had any break throughs - I think I'm too scared - I feel like I have learned a lot from reading about everyone's experiences on here etc. It gives me hope believing that there is a bigger universe out there and that life on earth is just one chapter in a greater book.

This week my partner of 4 years, ended his life - he was 37. The guilt and pain I'm feeling is beyond comprehension, never known pain like this. My heart is completely and utterly broken. He was not only my partner he was my best friend..

What's really crushing me is for the  last two weeks before he passed we had been taking a break. He was at his mum and his sisters house when he took his life. Because of this I have so many questions that can never be answered. I keep talking to him out loud. "Why didn't you reach out to me buddy, why, you knew I'd always, always answer the phone, you knew I'd do whatever I could to keep you here with us". I'm scared. I'm scared about how much pain he was in the end. I'm scared he died not knowing how much I loved him. That he died believing no one cared about him, that no one would miss him.

I know that he can't come back, I know I can't go back in time even though I wish with all my heart that I could. But I need to talk to him. I need to tell him that I loved him with all my heart, that I will love him for all eternity. That our dog loved his papa. That he was my best friend till the end. That although things were not always easy, he was still my everything and that although it will be so hard to live without him I understand that life just got too damn hard and I hope he is in a happy place now.

I guess that's what I'm here for, I know that even if I had an AP breakthrough - and I am more determined than ever to succeed and get into the astral - I know that it doesn't necessarily mean I will be able to find Andrew. But I need some reassurance that he is no long tortured. That his mental health issues are no longer causing him pain and that he isn't lost and looking for peace - that he has finally found it. I need to know he is okay and that he is surrounded by love.

I've asked my nanna who has passed to find him and help him if he needs it still. I know it doesn't work like that but I feel so helpless and I worry for him so. I'm going to continue to try and successfully AP but I know that is pretty much impossible. I know trying to AP when you're grieving will not lead to a successful OBE but I've got to try. Even if I know it is futile, i can't sit here and do nothing - the pain and guilt is too much.

So if there is anyone in the know who can offer any advice or help I'd appreciate it. 

Sorry to go on, am just in a world of pain and needed to speak to like minded people that I know will not judge.

If you made it this far - thank you.

[EscapeVelocity]

Welcome to the Pulse, Soulsurvivor.

I am sorry for your loss and know that words seem fairly inadequate right now. I will try and answer some of your questions and provide some perspective on how you might find some deeper answers.

There is a small chance, and I will stress small chance that you may find someone who can provide contact or information on your partner. That contact or information will likely be very limited, but just maybe enough to reassure you about your friend; and if that is all you get you may need to be willing to accept that.

In my own case, three months after my father passed, I was escorted by a guide to check in on him. The experience only lasted less than a minute and I had to be satisfied with that...I learned just enough that he was okay. The event itself happened unexpectedly but it did follow nearly two months of setting my intention to do so on a nightly basis.

And you need to resist becoming obsessive about it; that will likely defeat the purpose. Either before a meditation or before sleep every night, ask for an experience or ask for information on your partners situation, ask for your guide or higher self to share it with you...and then let it go. Maybe the answer arrives in an experience or maybe in a dream or just a message or 'knowing'. Sometimes that's all we get. I've done my best to get information on many loved ones who have transitioned over the years, and often it is nothing or just this 'knowing'.

I hope that helps some.

EV

[Nameless]

Welcome Soulsurvivor,

You have my deepest condolences on your loss. I would reckon you feel close to your nanna and have some insight that help may be available. Trust that feeling. Know that we don't always get exactly what we think we want in a way we expect but know too you will get an answer of sorts. How/when? No one can say.

All you can do is ask and wait. I wish I could offer you more. I know you are hurting. All I can really offer is my own suggestion for how I am dealing with personal losses. I see those I loved who have passed on as being one more person on the other side looking out for me and all those loved ones they left behind. One day I will join them and then I too will get to do the same for those I leave.

Hugs

[Soulsurvivor]

Thank you both so much for your replies - really means a lot. I'm sorry I rambled on and hope I didn't upset anyone as I know many, many souls  have or still are dealing with loss.

Escape Velocity

Thank you so much. Your words are incredibly helpful right now. I'm so sorry you lost your father but happy you were able to get a confirmation that he is okay - even if it was brief and a little while after. I know there's only a small chance, minute chance, I will get help from an outside source - (so don't worry you're not getting my hopes up or dashing any dreams). I just appreciate you getting back to me. I will continue to work on my daily meditations and be stronger in my nightly affirmations. That is all I can do, but if I can do that then I will.

That said - I will try and stay grounded and not become obsessive. The pain I'm feeling is so tremendous that I know I'm sorta not in my right mind too and saying and doing things I normally wouldn't.. I also feel selfish for going on like that and saying "I need this" and "I need that" - I desperately want to hear from him, and cannot rest not knowing if he is okay. At the same time, now I'm worried that going on about what "I need" and focusing on MY pain so much is being detrimental to my friends journey to find peace. Like am I still hurting him by expressing my pain, by searching for answers when he might just want to move on? I wouldn't want that - I don't want to be the reason he can't rest easy right now. I guess I just want him to know how much I love him and that I will do everything I can to reach him again - but now I just feel selfish like I'm focusing on my own pain and losing sight that this is really his moment and that he may not want me searching for him.. and if that is the case then I definitely need to let it go..not sure that makes sense.

Anyway have gone in again, but thank you truly for your kind reply.

Nameless

Thank you so much too for your response and kind words. I was close to my nanna. I've continue to speak out loud to her in challenging times. She was such a kind, caring person on Earth that I believe she would continue to watch over her loved ones and guide us when she can. Thank you for making me realize though that I should be more open to a "message" coming in more ways than a direct conversation with someone on the other side. I will try and be more aware of little signs or even just feelings and be less consumed with trying to talk directly with my partner or nanna or guide  - deep down I know it doesn't work like that.

I will wait, and work on strengthening my mind and heart and trying to be strong on this side. The pain right now is unreal, and I will never forget my love for him  but I know he wouldn't want me to hurt so much forever. I do believe too that loved ones are on the other side looking out, and I know he will be with them. He just didn't have much of a family, so I don't like the idea of him being alone over there - that's why I asked my nanna to find him in case he didn't have anyone. That worries me so. Part of me just wants to be with him now, so we can go through the next process together but I know all that would do, would cause more pain and suffering to loved ones left on Earth and that is not what the source wants. Especially during this current climate when there is grief and suffering on such a global scale.

So I will wait and meditate.

Thank you again for getting back to me.

[Lumaza]

 Welcome to the Astral pulse and I also send my condolences on your recent loss!  

As EV and Nameless have stated here, when the time is right, you will receive the "closure" that you seek.

Grieve now, heal later. Part of the healing process entails that you will see each other again. It could be in Dreams/projections, even visions. Talk to him, he is always there. Listen to the answers with your Heart! After you have finished the grieving process, write a letter to him. Tell him how you feel? You can ask him things in it. Then learn to become aware in your Dreams and you will see those questions answered.

We had a loss in the Family about 3 years ago due to Suicide. It's easy to get caught up in the "would of, should of didn't, what if" guilt mode. If you do, make sure that you add a "what if I didn't meet him to begin with? The answer, "then you wouldn't have had the memories of the happiness and the love that he shared with you.

At times like this songs seem to help in the grieving and even the healing process. Their Lyrics talk volumes.

There is a band name Disturbed, that made their claim to fame with heavy metal. Then all of a sudden they themselves changed. This was shown through the rendition they did of the "Sounds of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel. Listening to the radio last night, I heard a new song that was recently released. After hearing it a few more times, I went to the internet to read the lyrics. Here is that song. I think it will help anyone that has just suffered the loss of a loved one. David Draimen, the lead vocalist must have lost someone dear in his life in the last few years as well. All of his new music seems to point that way.

Here is a link to the song plus the accompanying lyrics. I hope it helps!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=qG05D3OeJYQ&feature=emb_logo

[Soulsurvivor]

Thank you so much Lumaza. Your words really hit home and I will take note of your advice and grieve with the intent to heal with the hope that at some point I will find the closure I need. I thank you for giving me insight into the healing process.

I'm sorry you also lost a loved one to suicide. You are right all the shoulda woulda coulda run through my head but your also right I have not been thinking about what if I had never met him - that is something I would never change. The love and happy memories are so precious to me - now more then ever. I read a quote that stayed with me "Grief is the price we pay for love" this rings so true for me now. So I will continue to talk to my love and hold him dear in my memories. The song was really lovely, sung so well with incredibly profound lyrics. Really gave me all the feels.

Today an interested thing happened and it was probably just coincidence but I can't shake it off even though it's very early days.

This morning I asked my mum to ask my deceased nanna if she could give me any sign that my friend would be okay. So my mum did that. After that I was trying to tidy round the house as I had neglected doing anything for the last few days and I was just trying to function at a basic level. Anyway during this I started crying and not only talking to my partner but to my nanna saying I need your guidance more than ever I need to know he's okay. Like 5 minutes after this I returned to the living room and saw that a bird had flown inside and another bird waited outside on my balcony. The bird was on a window ledge but the window was closed and it couldn't find the open door. I grabbed a towel and was able to grab it and place it outside so it could reunite with its friend and then they both flew away. I live in an apartment on the 8th floor and leave the deck door open a lot and have never had a bird fly inside. When my nanna passed 3 days later a bird flew in our house and my mum said that was a sign from nanna she was okay.

Do you think this was my sign or it's too soon and just coincidence? Really just can't shake it off.

Thanks again Lumaza for your kind reply.

[Nameless]

I don't believe in coincidence.

[Soulsurvivor]

Ahh Thank you nameless

In my heart I feel like the bird outside was representative of my nanna and that she was showing me that she found my partner. I still can't quite believe what happened.

In my head I know it has meaning but not THAT much meaning. Taking it as a positive sign either way

[Lumaza]

I don't believe in coincidence.

I second that! 

[Soulsurvivor]

Thank you again Lumaza