Depersonalization/Derealization

[Karina Kapri]

I've had this for almost 2 years now due to too much marijuana. when it first started i couldn't leave my house without feeling like i was trapped inside my body. it was like my heartbeat was magnified and when i would walk down the street it would seem like i was walking in a fantasy world where cars , houses and trees were just fake. Today i can go outside but life still seems unreal to me and i don't know who i am anymore. Before this happened i was VERY in touch with my spiritual side. i used to make music solely inspired by the vibes i received from life. After 2 years the only thought that remains a fact about what troubles me the most about this is that my spiritual connection with life seems to have disconnected during this DR process. I've read that DP/DR is like a spiritual awakening but with me its seem to have done the exact opposite ; and my first  thought is because marijuana caused it. When i smoked i would have TERRIFYING panic attacks and to this day i still cant smoke because i don't get high , just a little slow motiony and panicky. i always felt when i was back to normal i would be able to smoke again and get a normal high ... the spiritual type of high but no. makes me believe i still suffer from DR/DP. this is not about drugs though , its about my lost spiritual connection with life. that's why i have been trying to rely on my dreams and attempting to learn how to AP for answers. Any thoughts? BTW im only 20 years old.

[T.L.]

Slightly off topic but everything you just said reminds me of a movie called "Numb". Also never happened to me (I did so from 5th grade up until I got out of college) or anyone I know. I wouldn't blame it on the pot though, there was probably some kind of condition right underneath the surface and it just brought it up to the surface.

[iamkuljuarenot]

i used to get this all the time too, a lot of people say its a by product of anxiety, and the more you think about it and recognize that the feeling is there, the worse it will get.  If someone is under a lot of stress, its kind of like the brains defense mechanism and a way to let it get some rest while we are awake.  I also have sleep apnea so my sleep quality is poor and I attribute my DP/DR mostly to that.

[personalreality]

it's not likely the marijuana alone.

what probably happened was you were already experiencing a natural shift in your level of awareness and that was amplified by the pot.  it's not uncommon for frequent marijuana users to get to a period where they don't really get high and experience panic attack like symptoms.  it happened to me a long time ago, when i was 16 or 17.  i stopped smoking for a while and eventually i was able to smoke again.  but this can also be seen as a signal that it's just time to stop smoking (which i know you have) and not pick it up anymore.  i'm thinking that you're probably just going through some kind of shift and the experience is disorienting.  the same old "spiritual high" isn't going to cut it anymore and i would suggest not even seeking that kind of feeling.  just roll with what's happening and explore new avenues, this is a time of expansion, so expand!  also, i think you need to start grounding yourself, kind of bring yourself back down to earth.  there are many grounding meditations that you can find through google, but i'm particularly fond of walking in grass barefoot.  i also like to lean my back up against a tree and spend a few minutes "merging" with the tree, feeling its energy, digging my bare feet into the ground with it's roots.  it can be very refreshing.

[shineling]

Ya, the same thing happened to me when I was 20. I am a little older now. It was happening to all my friends too. Gee, I mean your 20!  That's the time when all this LIFE stuff is happening to you.

What you're looking for you'll get naturally when you turn older and natural wisdom and experience kicks in.

Happens to everyone... You're still a "Buddha" no matter what happens. It's that natural law of the universe. Can't be helped.  

[Karina Kapri]

thanks everyone for the responses.

i also read its not from the weed. im convinced my lifestyle caused it also. i never went outside alot and the funny thing about it is it all started when i was with my friends alot. i would tell them how i would feel and they just didnt understand so from about fall of last year to now i completely have isolated myself from my friends because they tried to tell me its not as serious as i make it. they're not me so they wouldnt get. i was use to having a crystal clear perception on everything around me. i use to feel like i was walking the path God gave me and it was the best time of my life. i found myself and love for music. so when everything started to look like a nightmare to me i felt like my life was ruined. i still feel like its ruined but im not paranoid anymore and things dont seem as nightmarish. The same pleasant thoughts that use to be pleasant thinking about were attacking my sense of reality causing me to be where i am now. not knowing what i believe in when i believed in so much. Just a feeling of being lost once again like it was before i found myself. i am the only one out of all my friends going through this. i only know one other person where i live who felt the same way i do after smoking. Things felt things changing but it all officially changed that one day i woke up after about 12 hours of sleep and my whole point of view shifted.

i tried to address everyones responses all in on go .. sorry for the disorganization lol.

[The Present Moment]

I second the suggestion to walk barefoot. I had DP and it went away over time.

[personalreality]

you may be exaggerating the experience in your mind.  (hold on, don't freak out)

i say this because you seem to be very attached to your old perception.  you say you had so many beliefs that you don't feel are "truth" anymore, like they just don't fit.  that's not a bad thing, that's a good thing.  it means you're releasing old programming and opening up for new experiences.  adjusting won't be so hard if you don't fight it.  remember that the world isn't happening to you, you're happening to it.  the way you think about your experience changes the way you feel it. 

do the grounding, seriously.  it will help.

[shineling]

What might also help is maybe you need a task?

A task is anything that you can shoot for. A big goal you can work on for several years.  A book maybe? Learning art on the computer? Learning to weave baskets??  

I have lots of tasks. It helps me keep from concentrating too much on myself. I hate myself. I'm glad I don't exist.  The more I think about me the more I get confused it seems. When I work on something... that feels more like me.

[personalreality]

that sounds a little psychologically unhealthy shineling.

it's like drug addiction.  people get high so they don't have to face themselves, but then they never feel complete.

one of the big complaints i have with a lot of addiction treatment is that a lot of methods basically have an addict trade their drug for religion.  it's not about trading the "bad" habit for a "good" habit.  it's about being in control. 

when you face those things you don't like about yourself you can release them.

but i don't know you, so...

[shineling]

Well... I know that having something to work on always gets me away from my depression, paranoia, feelings of worthlessness.

I remember reading Carlos Castaneda. Don Juan used tell Carlos to find a "not doing". Something you can work on that your passionate about. You get so engrossed in what you're doing it becomes sort of a meditation or... a "not doing".

Anyhoos... I used to be a real depresso until I started working on my own art. It gave me a sense of identity especially when i completed my tasks. There's no feeling like making your dreams come true. But... that lasts for like an hour.   Then I need something new to work on or I'll just start thinking again or... existing again. I hate existing too much.  

[Providence]

I struggled with DP/DR for a long time. It started when I had a salvia trip. I made the mistake of listening to The Beatles' "Revolution 9" during my trip. Though in retrospect the experience was quite beautiful, it had some traumatizing effects on me. I couldn't work and was barely able to go to school. I saw a psychologist who really opened my eyes. He told me that I can either ignore these thoughts, or embrace them as a new level of spiritual awareness. He said that this usually happens to people who are more self-aware and in tune with themselves and their existence. Trust me, for a long time I thought I was going to be stuck in that state of mind my entire life, and it in turned caused depression. It got so bad at times that I'd get nauseous being in my room, watching television, thinking that none if it was real. That at any moment the walls around me could just crumble and I'd be left in the empty void of pure spacetime.

It will go away though, with time. It just takes a little while.
If you want to talk though, just send me a message.