horrible situation

[travrai blue robes]

and one weird thing - the whole house has a pretty negative feel to it, but my parents bed is always serenely peaceful, almost radiantly so. it's almost as if all the life is being sucked there - but that's more of a funny sentiment then anything else to me.

[Kristen]

Hi Travrai -

Well - you sound a tad depressed and low on energy (do I have a flair for the obvious?)....

I can't help you with physical manifestation of negative energy but can offer a bit of presumptuous mentoring in the department of cognitive restructuring (how to not let self-defeating self talk bring you down and keep you there) and a bit of advice about proactive application of coping skills....

First of all - I "hear" a broken heart and a bit of victimhood - Its easy to blame parents for one's internal emotional/psychological state..... after all, parents are the people who create the environment that the child grows in.   They are responsible for "making people"  and we want them to "see" us in our heart of hearts and we want them to nurture us perfectly in our vulnerability.... tell you what though - parents are people too and are completely imperfect in their own right even if they don't have some glaring "issues."  There will always be times throughout life when children of any age  realize/have to cope with the reality that mom and dad have not/can not/will not see/understand/meet all needs, or at least can't meet some incredibly heartfelt longings for a real love/nurturing requirement. Fortunately there is also a time when it is perfectly legitimate to take your psyche in your own hands... to take full responsibilty for your own emotional and mental well being irregardless of how you may feel about yourself because of how you were raised -  irregardless of fear!  Because in your time of life now (young adulthood) you can see what you need and you have the capability to meet your own needs if no else can or will.  As a matter of fact - legally, you are in your majority - it is your  right and your responsibility to begin to take care of yourself.

As a parent there are many things that I wish I could go back and do over - you could say that I have had ample opportunity to forgive myself for my own imperfections, and therefore to understand and forgive my parent's imperfections... you just might get to that place too - but its a journey.

So - you've identified how you feel, and you've identified what you want - can you identify what steps you can take to get to what you want ?  And then, can you actively do the things that you've identified will get you where you want to be?

For example:

House - its a mess/run down.  You want it clean/presentable.  What will happen if you clean it/fix it?

Social life - you don't feel comfortable bringing people to your home.  You want friends.  You sort of feel like you really don't know how to interact socially?  What will happen if you pursued face to face social interaction/connection outside of your immediate environment - for example, through sports, workplace, school?  Do you have to be good at being social/be outgoing and socially skilled to try?  What would happen if you did pursue avenues of social interaction?  What if you're being too hard on yourself and you will be just fine?

Leaving home - you want to but you're afraid - what steps do you need to take to identify how to do it?  How much money will you need to make a rent payment?  How would you get into college if that's what you want?  If you don't have a job how would you go about getting one?  What will happen if you get a job or go to school?

*Note - young adulthood is a stressful time of life - its a huge transition to renegotiate the image and the relationship that you have with your parents - its a huge deal to leave home and take off on one's own - what would happen if you gave yourself permission to feel afraid and depressed and to maybe make mistakes when you contemplate seperating from your parents and your home and then work towardsindependance?  You are going to find yourself not knowing/not being sure/not feeling secure.... what if its natural to feel that way?  Are you going to let normal insecurity get in your way?  Fledgling birds need practice to learn how to fly!  Are you any different?

About depression - what if you have a tendancy toward depression because of late adolescent (young adulthood) life challenges?  Who would you talk to about that and how would you positively help yourself cope?  Are you willing to take the steps you need to take to help yourself?

It is your right to treat yourself well and to be proactive in doing so, so where do you want your focus to be?  Where ever you want your focus - put it there and move in that direction.  You are in charge of yourself.  Negs be damned.  

Kristen

[Nita]

Hello Travai blue robes
  I do know a few things about improving a homes energy. One bit of advice is good to remember. You clear out blockages when
you clean up clutter. I would just start doing a project a day. Even if it gets messed up again it will look better than before. I would sprinkle
majoram, cloves or cinnamon that has been prayed over into every corner. You don't have to do enough for anyone to notice. Just
place it in the corner. You should add allspice to this if you want a social life.
  The prayer is just the normal prayer to God asking for what you would like to accomplish. It can be from any religion just something
that you believe in wholeheartley. You should get some perks from your parents from helping and be doing yourself a favor
at the same time.
  I would then make a list of what you need to accomplish to move out or what you want to do. Burn a orange or yellow candle in a fireprrof
container with the list under it. Pray again for help with removing the depression and blockages. You can find books in the library also
on ways to use magic to overcome life problems.
  Robert has articles on this website that could be really helpful. You have to take it one step at a time but any person can make
positive changes in life and get a zest for living.
  Nita

[travrai blue robes]

I'd rather have been able to email this directly to robert instead of posting my sad story in front of everyone,  but on the other hand I am entirely aware of how he must be swamped with emails and how he (like anybody would be) finds it difficult to get much done with them when there's that much.

here's hoping he can respond though, because I'm interested from some mentoring here from someone with a lot of real experience in energy, emotions and spiritual matters. I welcome anyone to respond who is experienced in such a regard though. however I am feeling really down and have been through every possible speculation and answer thought up on the fly on this, so if that's what you have to offer I'd prefer a virtual hug rather then revisiting that type of stuff.

Anyway, my problem is I'm wondering if my home is some sort of vortex of bad energy. Vortex I am just using rather to mean collecting place. This place seems to be a place of fear and anger,  and it seems to instill in people a lethargy that makes them stuck there so it can feed off them. My brother is 24 and hasn't moved out. I'm about to turn 21 and desperately want out. My sister is at college but I just found out that while she seemed happily adjusted, she is as devestated inside as I am. We all feel just completely broken, and easily loose hope. None of us get along too well in my family. A major issue is that the house is always a huge mess, people aren't really allowed to visit, and my mother is kind of whacko, she's been supposedly 'cleaning' the house for twenty years now but it's just a giant mess and she gets very defensive about anyone who says anything about it.

Now obviously a lot of our problems could be psychological and social. While our parents never beat us, and they set an example of never abusing substances, they also didn't particularly raise us or nurture us. We just hung around in the house all the time, being creative or whatever, dinner was usually the highlight of our activities. None of us lived any real social life.

so while that sort of undisciplined, unnurturing madness has effects of it's own, I see negs and bad energies tying themselves into it - they would naturally be drawn into it. I have scratches on my back for which there was no physical cause, recently a red mark like a cat's paw has appeared on the back of my neck and won't go away,  and I get lots of new, tiny moles. just by those symptoms you can probably tell that I'm a real mess here. this energy is just chaotic. I find myself alienated in the midst of it from everyone, only able to think about how messed up things are and I'm full of fear that I'm guilty of living such an abnormal life. I'm probably the one most prone naturally to fear in this family so things really hit me hard in this situation.

lately, I'll actually shake my head,  you know try to let some of this energy drop off, I can't stand it. what my heart wants to do is just hit the road right now and walk a thousand miles so I can feel all of this wretched energy dropping off and out of me.

but the other end of the problem here is I feel so weak and all my attempts at making some sort of bridge out of here seem to crumble. If I felt half way empowered I would have run off a long time ago, but fear gets the better of me. and not being social is a huge problem,  that's where you make all your connections, that's where you get all your synchronicities, that's where the doors to life are, and of course I'm terribly lonely for people - but the attitude of this place has always reinforced fear over my natural wants. the messy house thing is the biggie, it's kept us unsocialized and made me feel profoundly guilty about my station in life - like I don't come from anywhere, or like my origins are an evil thing that must be kept from everyone.

I have learned an incredible amount from all this emotional suffering in the lifetime. I'm very broad-minded and sympathetic now, very creative. I write, draw, play music. And at times I've gotten away from this, especially when I can establish myself as the important center of my life and do what I want - well then all my old problems are nothing. I feel just fine. But most of the time I am here and in this rotten, unmerciful depression. all I need is a way out but I feel optionless.

any advice for someone this down low in the spirit? I want to get away from here more then anything but I don't feel strong enough, I'm too afraid I guess, being this wreck of a man, to somehow put myself out there and get back to normal.