I can't feel

[Eol007]

Dear Soul,

You have always been loved and always will be. Trust completely in that inalienable fact. Healing is with you right now regardless of the past, present and future.

May abundance, all good blessings and peace come to you as gifts you truly and rightly deserve!

In light,




Stephen

[Eol007]

Dear Ronin,

One should never apologise for asking for help and being so brave in sharing ones intimate experience.

You are not alone - I too (like many) have had experience of many of the issues you are talking about. It would be crass of me to compare my experience with yours, but I want you to be sure that you are not alone in coming to terms with and living happily with the challenges you have had to face however difficult.

I have had close contact with a number of people who had attempted suicide including one of the family had been severely depressed for a considerable time and had numerous suicide attempts. I am pleased to say that individual's life turned round and she regained the place of joy and lovingness that was always there from the start. I can only but gloss how she was able to come through the needle, but suffice it to say once she chose to seek help that it when the turning point was made. It can still take what seems like a mountain of work thereafter, but we can all get there!

This is clearly something you have now met and although it may still seem to be a long and steep path to traverse be assured that you have all the potential within to regain your self esteem, confidence, strength and most of all self-love.

It is always a wonder how synchronicity kicks in when we least expect it. The right people do fall into our paths... I for one have had deja-vu experiences from childhood. It is all too easy to perhaps read too much into them and over interpret their significance. Perhaps it is just a matter of accepting that they are indicators that you are on your chosen path. Although some schools of thought decree that our life path is pre-determined it is better to come from the thinking that we choose our own destiny. I sincerely appreciate that it may appear that we are simply victims or that how could 'I' choose a life like this! Many 'new agers' would say that we have chosen to experience incarnation at this time of movement from one age to the next. It does not rally matter what any school of thought or religion says... it is how you perceive yourself and not how other dictate or impose upon you. You can choose how you feel, how you react to life's journey.

I personally know what it is like to feel alone and totally separate from what I perceived to be the feeling of being loved either internally or from an external source having hit rock bottom some 5-6 years ago. Like your good self I hit that point of despair where I felt completely distraught and trapped in an empty void. The trigger strangely for myself was simply a friend saying to me that 'you are feeling sorry for yourself'.  They were hard words to swallow but I was able to take them on board and view things from the others perspective. Subsequently it made me feel truly guilty. But the guilt was a tool which enabled me to open my heart to others. To feel compassion, to realize the other from the perspective of as you would want them to feel for you. I found myself in a ball of tears praying to god not for myself but for certain individuals and ALL the hurt souls of the world. Believe me It was as if a was drawn into a torrent of love. When I say that no words ever spoken by man could ever do it justice! Subsequently over time my mind tried to identify what the source of this love was... thinking it to be god, or angels or higher self, of spirit guides. The answer is very simple... it is YOU (rself). You are the one who is the source of love and have always been so. It does not mean that this experience of bliss has to live in your conscious awareness in every breathing moment, but you know it is there. DO trust completely that you are in the fact also this expression of love and creative positive force of being.

By the way there is nothing wrong with crying... big boys can cry... it is very a healing expression. So don't be afraid anymore or ever again... the healing is there for you if you want it. All the happiness is yours to enjoy and share with loved ones, but most importantly within yourself... It is your birthright. GO out and meet like minded people, avoid those who might attempt to bring you down. Share the wonder of life regardless of its tragedy and love others as you would want to be loved yourself.

My many blessings be with you always and forever,

Kind wishes,




Stephen

P.S. Don't worry about all the arcane stuff or Akashic records (they are there), just know that god does hear your prayers.

[findtruth]

Try not to dwell on the past.  It's gone and all you can do now is have a happy present and future.  It was couragous to share your experiences even if it is with people you will probably never meet.  Even if you feel like something is missing, for instance, feeling love, it's in there and you know how, you just havn't accessed it for a while.  Try to be happy and progress and everything else will come in time.  I've had a similar time , though it can hardly be compared with yours, and life feels like a dream, you just have to let go and move on.

[Mirador]

XenXheng, I don't think I can be of any help to you, I wish I could. I'm not sure any of my words can help. I've just read some member's posts, and wonder if any of it is of help to you. Please tell me what in the posts has been of help to you, maybe it could be of help to me too!

Mirador

[XenXheng]

Thanks everyone... I know there is love in me, and I have known it was there for the past few months.  I still have problems feeling it, though.

There is a place I want to be in my life, and my best friend back home embodies it.  Laidback, charismatic, fun, emotionally attractive, funny, etc...

And since I have yet to have these properties within me, at least to the level he exhibits them, I feel slightly useless or outdated.  I mean, what's the use in being version 1.2 when 2.0 is right around the corner?

It seems I remember important sayings and quotes though when I am more receptive to hearing them.  For example, after driving my girlfriend home (a day after the tearing up), I was riding back when another biker rode by and gave me the biker wave.  I knew that even though I didn't drive an awesome car like my friend, he doesn't ride a motorcycle, which makes me special.

My girlfriend's words came back to me, too.  I told her I wanted to be stronger, better, funnier (what I didn't say, like my friend), and she told me that weaknesses, strengths, and all, with all my many virtues and few faults (her words, not mine!), she loved me, and she didn't want me to change.

I just wish I was more in line spiritually to get messages like this more often.  Like attracting like and all that.

I think a lot of people's lives have themes of some specific type of pain, reflecting what they must learn in this life.  Some get it early, some it takes longer.  My life has been plagued with constant themes of rejection and a lack of love, or at least, that perception.  I've almost mastered compassion, sacrifice, courage, etc... what is left is love.  I know I am here to learn what love is, but it gets difficult when growth seems to be lacking, or going in the wrong direction.

I've returned to trying to astral project as well, because I've only done it a few times a few years back.  I want to learn more about our universe, other planets, love, God, myself, other people, everything I need and want to know.

I also want to see someone I knew who completed suicide a few weeks ago.  She didn't know me very well, but I want to know if she's doing ok (more like confirming that I know she's ok, and offering help if she isn't).

Thanks for your kind words, everyone.  I'm still trying to re-align to that part of me I want to be, which my friend already has done.

To Mirador, my journey to healing started with these key components:

1) Finding the roots of my unhappiness
2) Trusting a higher power to see me through the tough times (this saved my life a few times, just pray or ask for help every day and problems seem to right themselves.  At first I called it Heaven like my Dao buddies did, but then it became God, now I just appeal to all spirits and energies that can help)
3) Learning to love myself through this power
4) Finding the confidence to live how I wished

When you make the firm decision to be happy, events and people start coming about that will help you there, I've found, usually within the month, but often within a week or a few days.

Just remember not to give up!  Even in my darkest moments as a teenager, I never gave up.  Granted, back then, it was a punish-myself masochistic type thing, but still, I was a dogged little bastard.  Still am!

Thanks a lot everyone!
Chris

[Mirador]

Thanks XenXheng, thank you for your help. By the way, don't you feel just a little more better now? And thanks for your list of 'key components for healing'...  I would suggest you add another component: by helping another person to heal, you also heal yourself.

Thanks again, XenXheng

Mirador

[XenXheng]

First of all, I would like to apologize for the length of the post I know this is going to be.  Also, if this is the wrong place to be posting this, I'm sorry, I'm new and really need an answer to this, so feel free to move the post if needed.

I've struggled with depression for the past 8 years, and have only recently had the great happiness of climbing out of it (and for the first time, had a full 4 months without a single self-destructive thought, November to a few days ago!).

But lately, a lot of weird things have been going on.

First off some background.  Some of the reasons for my depression may have been having to move a lot when I was younger, having four abusive (in their own ways) fathers, and a mother who had me as a teenager, of course making both our lives difficult.

I've attempted suicide once (knives in the bathtub two years ago, still have the scars) and have thought about it constantly the entire 8 years, from 13-21, I was depressed.

Near the end of those years, a good friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in a year just suddenly appeared out of nowhere at school one day.  We had lunch and suddenly everything changed, because she helped me to become the happy person I am today.  I feel our meeting was fated.

Before that, I "found" happiness a few times, where I would be very happy and bright, for 3 months, then suddenly, it would taper off and I would return to depression.  I think it was due to just trying to be happy and not trying to root out the problems for good.

In fact, it was through this "cultivation," as my Daoist friends say at our meetings (I'm Daoist / New Age, by the way!), that I was able to root out my past, come to terms with my unhappiness stemming from family issues, and turn my life around in that short period of time, just a month.

In that time, I 180'd from suicidal to content.  I finally got my motorcycle, and my license, and found the bravery and self-confidence to not only ride, split lanes and take the freeway, but do every one of those things with passengers, and in the rain.  And I met my first and only girlfriend, and she seemed like less of a savior, which is the girl I searched for before that, and more of a happy and perfect consequence, a love of a life gone right.

But this all changed this Thursday.  I took my girlfriend up to hang out with my family and friends for Spring Break, and I woke up Thursday, looked her in the eyes, and just cried for 3 straight hours.  She was as confused as I was to what was wrong.

What's more, after that, I told her last night that I thought things were moving too fast, and that I wasn't sure I loved her.  I felt her start to cry in the darkness as her tears hit my arm despite her happy sounding voice, so I turned on the light and we held each other while we cried.  The same thing happened this morning.

After all that, and I took her home and told her what I felt, that I did love her and I was sorry for scaring her (which was true, I know I was only acting the way I did because I had a problem and was confused about everything, not because I didn't love her).  But after that, I got to thinking about what happened, and why I felt that way.

I finally realized that my entire life has been an utter dream since I got to college.  Not a dream as in fluffy clouds and bunnies, but just a state of unrealized existence, like I'm wandering through life.

But the worst part is, for as long as I can remember, I have never been able to feel love.  I KNOW my family, friends and girlfriend love me.  They always have, though I didn't know until a few months ago when I changed my life around.

But I have never, ever been able to FEEL love.  When my sisters hug me when I come home, there are no butterflies, no warmth, nothing.  When I kiss my girlfriend, I feel nothing.  When my friends and I hang out and do all the fun stuff we usually do, it's very rare that I feel truly contented or happy.

I've also noticed something else.  I've had a huge longing for the past for as long as I can remember, for every single moment of my childhood prior to college.  The depression, the fun with friends, every moment I can no longer experience that is now behind me.

And when I see my best friend, who still lives in my hometown and has fun there like I used to, I can't help but feel that intense longing for the past.  I've also noticed a big increase in how much Deja Vu I get lately, at least twice a week but sometimes once or twice a day.

I feel that maybe there's something I've lost since I came to college, or since I've grown up, or something.  Even rooting out family problems can't solve that I've lost something from being a child.

This feeling of loss and missing something, and this inability to experience love, is tearing me apart.  I don't want to fall to pieces in front of my girlfriend ever again.  I want to BE my best friend, to know what it is like to be as laidback, funny and charismatic as he is.

Please, can you help?  Why can't I feel love?  And what did I lose?

I will give anybody willing to help me permission to access my Akashic Records to find the source of my problem, if necessary.  I would do it myself, but I've only eer projected twice in my life.  I don't want these problems destroying me or my relationships!!

If you can just provide me instructions on how to ask my higher self, guides, God, or anyone else, I'd also love to hear!  It seems in times of strife, I'm too clouded up to hear their messages when I call out in pain or terror.

Thank you very much,
Chris