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You are right in that I weave my own pattern - and I understand that. And YET, despite what I BELIEVE, their is a feeling of something inherent slipping that doesn't feel self-imposed.  I'm willing to own it if I can identify the source of that feeling, but I haven't been able to identify it.. and that's where I have had the most difficult time - feeling the pain, and feeling that much of the pain is not MINE.  And yet, with what I believe, it IS mine.  That's my conundrum.

Hello seekers.
I acknowledge your journeys and I hope you will do the same for me. I am a 20-year old male that has been suffering from shamanic sickness and various worlds of tension and pain for about 10 years. I can provide many factors that relate to why I am where I am, but I will just divulge the main points.

I have always been very empathic and sensitive, and have had a tendency to hold onto things. Circumstances in my childhood, especially relating to my Father created alot of trauma that I'm still processing, despite the situation being about separation rather than about any direct abuse. Furthermore, I never quite adapted to this culture/society/surroundings the way it is in my facet of the States, especially regarding public school which twisted/repressed some inherent spiritual tendencies I had. When I was 7-9 I started to really become conscious of what I felt like I SHOULD be doing or learning (healing/transformational/shamanic work), and wanted help and support with it. Even at that age I tried manifesting a teacher/guide. I have since learned that in many past cultures if a child showed a disposition for shamanic work that they would be taken out of the home by their teacher and become an apprentice. That is what I was looking for.

I think the combination of not finding a guide/teacher and not getting support from my father and mother resulted in a serious subsequent decade-long depression - from when I was 8-almost current. Now let my reveal some of the severe pain/tension I have been experiencing - most of it physical. When I was 10 years old I was struck in the lower back on the left side (slightly above the kidney) by my friend's older brother. A small rope of hard tissue former there a few days later, followed by another almost identical one on the RIGHT side mirroring the one on the left (I assume to balance the left one out). These "nodes" have caused my much pain (mainly isolated, but also structural pain) and create alot of tension. 5 years ago I was - maybe foolishly - adjusting my neck in the car and slipped and my atlas/c1 vertebrae slipped out of alignment quite a bit, causing excruciating pain. I have been experiencing constant pain - localized and otherwise - and can also feel it severely affecting my nervous system. I have been to various chiropractors to no avail.

In the past 2-3 years ago I have been coming out of the dark depression but have been experiencing more pain as a result.. as in, the depression was a defense mechanism and now I'm feeling more than I ever have. I have been experiencing problems with digestion and abdominal tension, a feeling of entities in my abdomen (not parasites - got checked for that), a feeling of holding onto energies and patterns that are not mine, etc, etc. Also hair loss in the past year, veins sticking out..

I know it is in my path to pursue shamanic work/healing - and I feel like I need to heal myself first. The biggest obstacle is that I feel like my neck being out is preventing my energy to flow properly, and so certain connections are being diverted resulting in a freat imbalance. Therefore I feel I need assistance with this healing process. Extraction, soul retrieval, whatever is needed. I'm also looking for a teacher. Not core shamanism - I'm not looking for someone who practices shamanism, but someone who is In it... who is a conscious traveler of the realms of being that I feel and know are right beyond the veil.

I am looking for a teacher/guide/mentor.

I feel like if this this pain doesn't transform I will die physically, which I have begun to accept but I also don't feel as if this is my calling.

I feel a need to state something else - I have my own beliefs about determinism and free will and karma that contradict what I'm about to say, but what I'm about to say also feels real: I feel like their was a fundamental slip in my pattern, and that energies that weave the patterns are still trying to weave this quilt the way it was meant to be woven DESPITE MISSING CERTAIN STRANDS AND COLORS! I feel like the thread-weavers need to be reminded that their was a fundamental slip occur ed and to reintegrate the colors or compensate for the new pattern.

If anyone here feels pulled to contact me, please do so. I need all the help/assistance I can get right now - I haven't had much of it, but have never needed it more than I do now.

Thanks for reading this lengthy post!