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Hi bluefirephoenix

Thanks for your opinion.
I am going to do just that. I have some materials to be studying.  Vorlgerle mentioned yoga. I take good care of myself these days and I've seen it mentioned in a few other places. I've always fancied giving it a go.

I'm always looking for ways to improve myself personally these days. This just threw a spanner in the works. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm 1 again. Back to the start of discovering everything. My entire purpose. Sometimes that sounds like so much fun then others so frustrating.
It frustrates me that this has clearly been in plain sight for so long, other people know about it and have for a long time, yet there's people like me still fumbling about in the dark, and I'm still in amongst the seldom few.

So thanks again for your words.
I have lots of material to read up on.
If you come up with anymore please add.

I will keep you posted if I make any progress.

Thanks
Rossco

Hi again xanthe

I'm struggling to come up with replies to that one, because I did have the conception that this would bring me peace.
However the more I write and the more I'm thinking about the things your saying, the more I'm thinking that I should stop looking.

Where I am right now is, I'm thinking when this came to me I was actually developing some kind of inner freedom.
In fact I'd say I was happier than ever. Then this happened and it's like any sense of security I ever developed went out the window.
And you're completely right that I find that a little overwhelming.

Just reading what bluefirephoenix has wrote and it also sounds like good advice.
Maybe take a break and see what happens.....

In between I will check out adyashanti and see where I go.

Maybe try making a hobby from it. Stop taking it so seriously.
As always many thanks for you're time.

Rossco.

Hi volgerle
Hope your having a good day.
Thanks for your welcome and replying.

It's wild like a slip and slide for sure!
It's good to know others have also had some of these experiences.
Kundalini is something I had planned on looking into but it always gets pushed back along the list. I think I need to get into that!!
Thanks for the links on that, I'll take a look.
Never heard of empaths. I love reading so any new topic to take a look at I'm grateful for.
Thanks also for the book and Web references. Robert Bruce is someone I looked at a while ago and then accidently closed the page and lost it. So thanks for re - directing me there!

I hadn't considered the possibility of a higher self calling to me. Over a god I mean. I think I need to think more about that.

Lots to think about and some useful links.
Thanks for your input. If you come up with anymore feel free to add.

I need to go re-read and ponder for a bit. You've got me thinking!!

Thanks for the pointers!
Enjoy the rest of your day.

Rossco

Hi xanthe
I just realised I should have posted an introduction. My apologies and thanks for the welcome.

Thank you for taking the time you did.
You're completely right in that my life has been erratic. And from what I've read of late, created entirely by me. Which in itself is pretty shocking when you think.
But where I was hoping this would bring some kind of peace to my life, there just seems to be unlimited questions. With unlimited subsets.
Which is just adding fuel to the fire and preventing me from moving on in any aspect of my life.

And I think I know what you mean about living in the moment. I can get lost in thought. But I am learning to silence.
As I say though, one question leads to another, to another and so on. The madness never seems to end!
But in terms of emotions, I've just happened across eft and have been doing some amazing work with tapping.
I can't believe it's so easy and effective.

I feel nothing but eager anticipation in learning what all of this is about, yet every attempt results in deep, unpleasant sleep followed by unrest.
What is stopping me from letting go is what I can't find.
I need a model to work off that I can understand. Maybe comprehend might be a better word?
But any information that has actually provided any results for me comes thin and scarcely.
And all my local bookshops don't seem to carry much in mind, body, soul anymore.
And there just seems to be no start or end on the Internet.

Anyway I ramble again!!
As I say thanks for taking the time and I hope you get to finish it. Any more opinions appreciated.
I carry on my search!

Rossco.

Hi all. Hope you're all well.
First post and very new to all this.
*long post alert* Apologies for the essay.

I was wondering if anyone could point me in the right direction. I seem to keep going in circles or coming to dead ends. I'm not even sure what the question is that I'm looking for the answer to. And there may be more than one! I just feel stuck.
I'll tell my story if you will listen, and hopefully you can offer some kind of opinion.
Any advice or criticism at all will be taken constructively so don't hold back.

Sometimes I wonder, am i going insane or am I having an epiphany.
Sometimes I feel like a god I never prayed to is reaching out to me and other times it's like the devil is doing a dance across my soul.

Some background.
I'm 33 now. From leaving school I lived a pretty self destructive life. Always had a job but never really went anywhere with it. Permanently drunk and out of my mind. Minor scrapes here and there. Nothing too bad but never good.
I had trouble eating as a child so my parents were told to give me anything I would put in my mouth and could keep down. As a result my diet until my mid 20's was all processed food, high in sugar and hydrogenous fat. Everything you don't need in your life.
I've always had a lot of stress in my life. I seem to attract people who are looking for trouble. It's like a curse. Especially at work. It's like I'm either singled out as the competition. Or labelled odd with no explanation.
I'm starting to guess there may have always been something about me others see, but I'm just starting to feel it.

Anyway, a combination of all the long days, late nights, bad living and constant battles took its toll, I started having severe stomach cramps which were treated with more alcohol.
by age 31/32 I'd been diagnosed with food allergies.

This is where things appear, to me, to go crazy.

It was a fight getting the doctor to admit there was anything even wrong with me.
I think they just gave me the label to pacify me. They couldn't find 1 thing ACTUALLY wrong.
They claimed I was imagining things and that maybe I'd looked too far into it on Google.
But certain foods were making my life hell.

I decided to take things in hand and change my life. I started with my diet, cutting out all sugar, dairy and gluten.
I obtained some self hypnosis audios to stop smoking.
What I found was startling. I hadn't even considered I might have stress anxiety and certainly hadn't realised I was suffering it, but that audio changed my life. The breathing exercises caused a complete drop in pressure in my mind and body. All the negative thoughts and anger started to subside. All the tension ebbed away.

From there I invested a lot of time in hypnosis, subliminal imaging and binaural audios to correct all sorts of things that I started to realise were wrong.

While in a trance, I started getting a sensation of pressure in my mind. Like my brain had become a rock and was weighing down on my sinuses. It was like a stress headache, without the ache.
I played around with it and after a while, found I could evoke the sensation whenever I wanted, and adjust the intensity.
I can also move it around to any location in my brain.
I was playing with it one day, when I noticed my lower back arching off the bed.
All the muscles were tensed rock hard.
Something in my mind said "let it go".
I relaxed and lowered my bum back to the bed. The voice came again and said "now put the two together".
Something inside me seemed to link my brain to the base of my spine.
An explosion went off in my mind, chemicals rushing out of my brain, coursing through my body from top to bottom, then it felt like they were bouncing back, travelling back up my body in waves.
I felt like I was melting through the bed as my body relaxed to extremes I never imagined possible.
I started seeing white lights and kind of jumped, a little shocked at what was happening. I tried to concentrate on these lights but from what I've read I maybe should have just let them go on. I lost all the sensations and the lights stopped. I couldn't get back to it again.

I started watching videos on YouTube and and looking up sites on Google. Some things seemed to make sense.
One thing in paricular stood out a mile. De-calcification of the pineal gland.
The first thing I ruled out of my life was dairy.
Just before all these experiences started, I broke my wrist. It took 9 weeks to heal. Blood tests showed my calcium was at almost zero. Maybe the way it all happened is nothing more than coincidence. I can't help getting a feeling that's maybe not so.

So I started clicking the links and watching the videos. From there I've only had a couple of brief lucky moments where it will fire up but I just lose it. As soon as the lights appear I seem to lose any focus and all control.
Every time I've tried since, I fall asleep. Then I wake up erratic, angry, sad, confrontational.
It takes me a while to become calm again.
Anywhere I look for answers on how to get further seem quite vague. It always seems to be somebodies opinion or experience. Quite often I get a feeling it shouldn't be used as a trusted source, or that I should be creating my own experiences. Then I lose interest in the piece.

I've logged countless hours of  meditation and am trying to  change my whole attitude to life.
I've started reading about things on pages like this. I get about 3 lines in and just feel swamped and lost. Things such as phasing. I don't even understand electricity so it might as well have been a foreign language.
I've tried things such as laws of the universe and giving a bit back to life. Trying to right wrongs and move forward.
Despite my efforts at building inner peace, I'm just not getting it.

I've had just two more experiences so far.
I would love for someone to help me understand these experiences, though I do realise it was my experience and could be irrelevant to anyone else. Here goes though...

1. Not long after my initial experience, I was going to bed 1 night and sometimes listen to music on in-ear earphones.
I put some dance music on and laid down. A few relaxing breaths later I started firing up. The beat of the music maybe (?) triggered something. The lights came and I had no choice. It just happened.
After a short display of some very pretty, visual light shows, I started to see faces of things that were neither human nor animal. They looked like big ugly green monsters. If you ever seen the cartoon of the BFG, they resembled the mean giants. They looked like they were snapshot images, the hue making it look like they were taken under a flaming torchlight.
It was as if someone was flicking through a picture book really fast. Face after face after face.
As fast as a click of the fingers, it changed to pictures of what looked like galaxies. Imagine seeing picture after picture, showing different galaxies just clicking over and over, different ones every time.
I think I must have fallen asleep because that is all I remember.
Could anyone tell me who these beings were? Why I was seeing them?
Or where these galaxies could be and why I would see them?

2. After these 2 experiences I tried getting there again and could only evoke the brain sensations.
However one day, while meditating and getting quite frustrated because I couldn't settle, I was about to give up on the whole thing. Out of nowhere my mouth opened and the words "bless me" just seemed to fall out.
I swear, somebody stood in front of me and placed their hands on my head. I was alone in an empty house.
Where the "hands" were (above my ears on the knuckle of the skull), I got that sensation of pressure in the brain.
I got a rush through my body and then my hands started getting warmer and warmer. They became so hot I ended up having to go in the bathroom and run the cold tap over them. I've had it several times since.

I was never baptised and have never practiced any religion. I have no idea where the words came from.

There have been a few other incidents, a few random visualisations that seem to come true or have significance.
I seem to see "energy" in the sky. It sometimes looks static and sometimes appears to be following a pattern. Maybe brain waves possibly?
If I'm sat next to an electrical appliance I get a hissing in my ears. Sometimes it really makes me feel dizzy and nauseous. Like pressure is building around me.
There was an experience that left me thinking "that guy just prayed to his god for a miracle..... and I came along!". Again, no idea where that voice comes from. Certainly isn't conscious thought.
If someone is stood next to me looking miserable, with slumped shoulders, I feel depression.
If someone is stood bouncing about, with shoulders hunched up, I get anxiety.
If somebody around me is angry, I get angry.
It's like I'm feeding off the energy of others. Or they're feeding off me. I have no idea?
Just before all these feelings started I also shot a film of myself speaking (just on a mobile/cell phone). A white orb appears to fall through the door beside me and dissappear. Another orb falls through and seems to grow in strength before turning into smoke. The smoke drifts across towards me, goes to my mouth, then shoots up to the ceiling. There are a couple of smaller orbs appear also.
I've also, more than once, breathed a deep sigh and odourless smoke comes from my mouth. Looks similar to what's on the video.
I sometimes wake from dreams seeming to be able to interpret what they mean.
I seem to have developed a habit of "noticing" someone stood beside me. But when I turn there's nobody there. Could be paranoia admittedly. 
Most of these things all occur randomly. I'd love to convey some of them in more depth.
They are stories in themselves though, and I feel like I've rambled on for long enough!
I also appreciate my imagination may be going into overdrive.
It would be nice if someone could confirm or refute either way.

I suppose my question is, what the hell is going on?!
I can't talk to anyone about this without them looking at me funny and edging away slowly (taking all sharp things with them!!).
I honestly don't know what to think any more.
I feel like I've been lied to my whole life.
But why? By who?
I feel like I've been granted something special, but no real clue what that something is, or how to use it.
The more things that happen to me, the more I start to wonder if I need a doctor.
The less I'm able to see what these things are, or what the purpose is, the more intrigued I become.
The more intrigued I am, the less I seem able to find answers.
And that's becoming frustrating.
It's like I've been raised to believe religions a sham. Spirituality is brain washing.
Magic is all an illusion.
Science proves all of these notions fantasy.
And now here I am writing this, questioning everything.

I've been conditioned to believe my experience is improbable.  But deep down I've always enjoyed the fantasy. Do ghosts exist? Can people read minds? Is there such a thing as a "guardian angel"?
And I've certainly wished for proof it happens.
I just never expected to get that proof!
It may or may not happen to others, but could it really be happening to me?
It's causing a great deal of confusion.

Then I feel like I have a quandary in deciding, is there a god?

Do I need to dedicate myself to a religion?
If so, which god is calling out to me?

Or is it scientific?
Nature?
Am I going crazy?
Who or what is driving me?
Is there any method or chemistry to this?
Why won't things that have worked once, work again?

So there is my story.
If there is anything else you could do with knowing please ask.
I have looked about but I don't have the knowledge to trust the sites or people using them. This is the first site I've looked at (regarding the subject of projection etc) where I feel comfortable enough to post.
If anyone can recommend any sites and possible reading material, or offer information of any kind I would be in your debt.
I have tried reading posts on the site. Honestly, my minds fogging. I just can't get my head round it all.

I feel like  I need a solid base to start from.

Where would you go from here?

I do realise it could all be down to me from here, but I'm hoping someone can give me a clue.

Many thanks for taking the time.

Hope you have a good day!