Lets start with a question. How often in your LDs, or other experiences, are you alone?
I mean really alone no imaginations of people, no guides looking over your shoulder. Absolutely and totally alone, to the point that if you had a mental breakdown no one, nothing would hear or react to you. You would be left with only yourself to find comfort. Existence in a void, something impossible in reality, but possible in LD. Now what if anything should you feel? Should there be fear, anxiety. Most people don't want to be alone, yes we may chose to be away from people at times but that's not alone. Very rarely is someone alone to the point that they could not reach out and chose to not be alone. I'm talking about lost in the mountains, stranded on a dessert island alone, just without the mountains or the island. To a point that reaching out is hopeless, no communication and nothing to interact with.
You may simply think, yeah I do that all the time its called meditation, well that's closer to what I'm talking about. Tho meditation is a walk in the woods, compared to the feeling of lost I am trying to relay here. I often LD being alone to this extreme degree, and every time I begin to enter this void, I feel my body moving uncomfortably, and breathing heavy like its about to hyperventilate. It's scary, and very uncomfortable, so why do it. When I finally sink in to that feeling of emptiness, it's a controlled space. There is nothing there no thoughts, no emotions, The fear of entering leaves. This void is scary because is feels as if once you go there you can't return, like leaving all of your belongings on the beach and trying to swim to the bottom of the ocean.
There is something comforting once your there tho, it's probably the closet's thing to a none experience as you can get. In a world wear we are bombarded with things we should do, people we should talk to, stuff we need to buy, videos we need to watch, and this constant idea that we need to seek comfort in all things. I find it necessary to seek this extreme form of meditation. To seek discomfort and fear, to find a sense of hopelessness and despair, It brings a contrast that is sorely lacking in my life. And well "Things don't have to be constantly happening to remind you of being alive." - some guy.
When I reached around 5th grade depression hit me hard, around 10th grade I started showing sings of my mental illness, something I won't go in to detail right now. The age of 17 I was extremely manic. Taking off from home to skate board, 3 days latter I ended up in panama city, 2 days latter being detained by state patrol for skating on a interstate. Until my little trip I never truly felt alive, it took freezing nights sleeping under a bridge with my legs cramping up. Thing I would pass out and not wake up, to bring contrast to my life. It was a wake up call, but I didn't get the message. At 18 living in NC I left after a drunken party went south, 8 days throw Christmas I skated to Knoxville TN. Dying of cold and exhaustion, I finally realized why I felt this call to destruction. My years living in lucid dreams, fulfilling my every whim of my young imagination had left me numb to life. How can reality compete with something so amazing.
After a few more years of struggling with life I found a better way to give my life contrast, instead of giving myself life threatening system shocks. I began using lucid dreams to provide contrast. After all if I can make life boring by dreaming a better one, then I can make life amazing by living out awful experiences in my dreams. I found bring myself in to a state of fear, loneliness and hopelessness, drastically improved the quality of my waking life. After all water can be sweet when compared to a lemon. Nowadays I use this void as a reference point for life, I sink in to the most uncomfortable and painful feelings I can imagine. By compression making a life I was numb to, feel like a blessing.
It wasn't until latter that I found a school of thought that aliened with this idea, Stoicism. Remembering that it could always be worse, and that even tho suicide is always a option, it is better to have a poor existence then no existence. That's how I personally tend to sum it up, of course there's much more to it then that. Not trying to control external forces instead controlling your reaction to it. Finding reminders that most of what we pursues is not necessary for a good life. Often times I find myself sleeping on the floor without even a pillow to remind myself how comfy my bed is. Many might say I push my mental state a little hard doing this, but I unsure you how ever bleak and unhealthy my habits may seem it is very necessary.
All this brings me back to artificial loneliness, aka my little personal void. I have found in the last year or so that I am beginning to enjoy discomfort and loneliness. I find myself thinking about living in the woods for extended amounts of time without interaction, and being perfectly content. I personally believe that all the crazy going on the world is driving me to seek isolation. Most of my friends have gone bonkers, and I find myself detesting them. There are very few people I can tolerate the company of anymore. I'm slipping in to my void during LDs more and more. Not to find contrast but to just be alone, Truly alone. I feel as tho the space I used to mentally train my emotions is now become my safe haven.
In all honesty I don't know were I was going with all of this, I don't wright out my thoughts much, so I guess this is more of a rant. I am interested to see if there are any parallels between our experiences. Feel free to pick apart my post and give criticism, I'm thick skinned, and prefer honest contrast to soothsaying. I imagine many of you will have points of views I haven't thought of, or considered on my use of LD, and I'd love to hear them.
Anyway Nommennescio out
I mean really alone no imaginations of people, no guides looking over your shoulder. Absolutely and totally alone, to the point that if you had a mental breakdown no one, nothing would hear or react to you. You would be left with only yourself to find comfort. Existence in a void, something impossible in reality, but possible in LD. Now what if anything should you feel? Should there be fear, anxiety. Most people don't want to be alone, yes we may chose to be away from people at times but that's not alone. Very rarely is someone alone to the point that they could not reach out and chose to not be alone. I'm talking about lost in the mountains, stranded on a dessert island alone, just without the mountains or the island. To a point that reaching out is hopeless, no communication and nothing to interact with.
You may simply think, yeah I do that all the time its called meditation, well that's closer to what I'm talking about. Tho meditation is a walk in the woods, compared to the feeling of lost I am trying to relay here. I often LD being alone to this extreme degree, and every time I begin to enter this void, I feel my body moving uncomfortably, and breathing heavy like its about to hyperventilate. It's scary, and very uncomfortable, so why do it. When I finally sink in to that feeling of emptiness, it's a controlled space. There is nothing there no thoughts, no emotions, The fear of entering leaves. This void is scary because is feels as if once you go there you can't return, like leaving all of your belongings on the beach and trying to swim to the bottom of the ocean.
There is something comforting once your there tho, it's probably the closet's thing to a none experience as you can get. In a world wear we are bombarded with things we should do, people we should talk to, stuff we need to buy, videos we need to watch, and this constant idea that we need to seek comfort in all things. I find it necessary to seek this extreme form of meditation. To seek discomfort and fear, to find a sense of hopelessness and despair, It brings a contrast that is sorely lacking in my life. And well "Things don't have to be constantly happening to remind you of being alive." - some guy.
When I reached around 5th grade depression hit me hard, around 10th grade I started showing sings of my mental illness, something I won't go in to detail right now. The age of 17 I was extremely manic. Taking off from home to skate board, 3 days latter I ended up in panama city, 2 days latter being detained by state patrol for skating on a interstate. Until my little trip I never truly felt alive, it took freezing nights sleeping under a bridge with my legs cramping up. Thing I would pass out and not wake up, to bring contrast to my life. It was a wake up call, but I didn't get the message. At 18 living in NC I left after a drunken party went south, 8 days throw Christmas I skated to Knoxville TN. Dying of cold and exhaustion, I finally realized why I felt this call to destruction. My years living in lucid dreams, fulfilling my every whim of my young imagination had left me numb to life. How can reality compete with something so amazing.
After a few more years of struggling with life I found a better way to give my life contrast, instead of giving myself life threatening system shocks. I began using lucid dreams to provide contrast. After all if I can make life boring by dreaming a better one, then I can make life amazing by living out awful experiences in my dreams. I found bring myself in to a state of fear, loneliness and hopelessness, drastically improved the quality of my waking life. After all water can be sweet when compared to a lemon. Nowadays I use this void as a reference point for life, I sink in to the most uncomfortable and painful feelings I can imagine. By compression making a life I was numb to, feel like a blessing.
It wasn't until latter that I found a school of thought that aliened with this idea, Stoicism. Remembering that it could always be worse, and that even tho suicide is always a option, it is better to have a poor existence then no existence. That's how I personally tend to sum it up, of course there's much more to it then that. Not trying to control external forces instead controlling your reaction to it. Finding reminders that most of what we pursues is not necessary for a good life. Often times I find myself sleeping on the floor without even a pillow to remind myself how comfy my bed is. Many might say I push my mental state a little hard doing this, but I unsure you how ever bleak and unhealthy my habits may seem it is very necessary.
All this brings me back to artificial loneliness, aka my little personal void. I have found in the last year or so that I am beginning to enjoy discomfort and loneliness. I find myself thinking about living in the woods for extended amounts of time without interaction, and being perfectly content. I personally believe that all the crazy going on the world is driving me to seek isolation. Most of my friends have gone bonkers, and I find myself detesting them. There are very few people I can tolerate the company of anymore. I'm slipping in to my void during LDs more and more. Not to find contrast but to just be alone, Truly alone. I feel as tho the space I used to mentally train my emotions is now become my safe haven.
In all honesty I don't know were I was going with all of this, I don't wright out my thoughts much, so I guess this is more of a rant. I am interested to see if there are any parallels between our experiences. Feel free to pick apart my post and give criticism, I'm thick skinned, and prefer honest contrast to soothsaying. I imagine many of you will have points of views I haven't thought of, or considered on my use of LD, and I'd love to hear them.
Anyway Nommennescio out