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I believe I am teetering on the edge of a chasm from which there is no return.

I 'think' that I feel as though I should be afraid of this but the thought escapes me. It is blazing past at record speeds, far out of reach. I wonder if this is how it should be and if I am walking the right path. But this is soon replaced by a feeling of numbing warmth and comfort and quickly forgotten. These like many of my thoughts are now common place for me, as I have trouble forming opinions and would rather 'go with the flow of things' so to speak.

Having had a near existential death experience approximately 7 years ago I felt that my world was coming to an end. This lead me to a short stint with depression which lasted about a month after which I had all but relinquished to my fate. This lead me to a simple realization regarding the nature of thoughts and their emotional counter-parts. This was common knowledge to me from before through my study and academia of inner knowledge, however it never rung true until that moment. I almost instantly learned to become a third party observer in my own head which lead me to detach from myself, my thoughts and their emotional content. I was then able to enter a state of pleasurable nothingness which felt as though a warm embrace of release. I soon later was able to choose which emotional content I would digest. No longer a prisoner of the grey. Albeit unable to grasp the negative emotional states easily as my natural state of mind was now auto piloting to that warm nothing state.

I spent some time picking apart my ego. Asking myself questions such as why do I not like these things/emotions/ideas. I could not tell if I had always not liked these things or was it some kind of learned behavior from my childhood or environment. It became second nature to block my thoughts from being filtered by my ego and thus it crumbled.

While this has improved my life incredibly since then and I no longer fear death. It has forever changed my outlook on this world. I can't help but wonder if this is how I should be or am I now a incomplete being wondering through a haze dumbfounded. I believe this has closed my heart because I know no love. It has been replaced by something else intangible. I would like to shed a tear for this loss but it escapes me. Or maybe I have just never felt true love or have never felt the act of giving love in my life thus far and have yet to discover it.

To be honest I do not know how I have come to this point in writing this. Normally I sit and stare trying to will my thoughts to come out in some form or another. It was difficult to write all of this and yet it was easy some how I cannot explain it. These words some how seemed to flow from me without a thought.

Maybe there is still something inside of me that is crying for help.

Imagine a deep rooted problem so sinister it does not show its true nature and yet we are so consumed by it even though rationally we know it is undesirable, if only on a basic level.

Through deep inner reflection and meditation and coming to certain conclusions about how emotions and emotionally charged thoughts affect the mind.  Depending on what you are thinking or feeling at any given time, they do seem to play a part in how you perceive the world and how you feel internally.

After countless hours of impartially observing and determining how these emotions affect my mind, what triggers them and how to deal with them. It has become almost second nature. Realizing that it is more beneficial to "not get wrapped up" in negative thoughts and emotions such as: frustration, anger, sadness, fear... I have noticed that it feels better to dodge these thoughts, feelings and memories as they happen.

Instead of becoming engrossed in them only to feel worse, it seems much better to impartially observe them and let them pass because it feels much better when you don't let them take hold of you and change your outlook to that of a negative one. It is this indescribable feeling of good that has been my chief motivating force and why I pursue it with such vigilance.

After a month or so of constant practice through out my everyday life it has become more automatic in the sense that I no longer have to consciously decide whether or not to experience the good or the bad. Knowing how it is more beneficial for me to not let these emotions and thoughts affect me in a negative way has made me a much more enjoyable person.

"We create our reality" has to mean something, after all, how we think and feel is a large part of how we understand and view the world. Positively or negatively you choose, you decide it is completely up to you how you use this information. Simply put, you decide how you feel at any given moment in time. Take responsibility and choose the better way.

I hope many of you find this information beneficial and wish you all luck on your journeys.

Please post and questions or comments and I would be happy to reply.

This morning after playing with the snooze button on my alarm clock every seven minutes for the past two hours I decided to learn my own science to "falling asleep".

Obvious annoying sounds around the house and deciding it was the perfect opportunity to learn fall asleep under any circumstances my plan was set in motion. After trying the usual tossing and turning followed by the grunt of a frustrated bed head, I realized that I was heading in the wrong direction.

Changing my outlook on the situation I let go of any resentment to the sounds bouncing off the walls in the house and lay calmly in my bed relaxed. After realizing that to want to sleep is an obstacle preventing me from my very goal, I let go of such thoughts.

Watching my internal screen and noticing the patterns and pulsing of dim glow dancing across my sight, I knew I had entered the right mind set and was close to my goal.

Relaxing completely of mind and body, letting all thoughts slip away a strange feeling enveloped me similar to a "brain freeze" I noticed the dim glows and black of my vision had morphed into a beautiful blue sky and I noticed a few airplanes floating in this sky.

It only lasted a minute and I was soon brought out of it. Afterwards thinking how strange it felt, almost as if my brain stopped. I was able to reproduce this several times after entering the same relaxed state.

Soon later on my next attempt I found my hearing change from its usual melody of composed high pitch tones I frequently enjoy listening to. Too that of more of an OBE attempt. The roaring in my ears became apparent and knowing I was close I pushed on.

Although I didn't experience the intense pre-OBE vibrations I felt something knew.  Almost as if I was enveloped in warm rolling energy it seemed as if my body was moving, swaying in my bed as I lay on my side.

My visual screen soon changed. Finding myself in a strange room with no windows, white plain walls, no doors and only an empty doorway into the next room, I found myself on my feet exploring this new area fully lucid and aware.

Not knowing exactly why I had so easily and effortlessly entered lucid I was very excited. Always thinking the traditional ways of becoming lucid by mere chance or even self hypnosis were extremely lacking, I was very happy my approach, so easy and simple worked perfectly although it was not my intent to become lucid but only to sleep.

Every once in awhile, everything would fade back to my original blank/black screen of glowing dim light and always being able to bring myself instantly back into the lucid as easily as it had happened by relaxing and letting go. Although it was strange because every time the dream resumed, it was as if nothing happened like closing your eyes for a moment blocking all vision.

Exploring this strange house and finding many strange things I came across an odd black figure crouched over as if eating something on the floor, thinking this was very strange I looked closer and thought of a werewolf eating its prey.

Soon after I realized I had made a grave mistake and my subconscious eagerly created the scenario and the werewolf quickly leapt across the room and was very close to me snarling. Not exactly scared but defiantly startled, my vision soon faded back into the black glowing dim patterns of light I knew only too well.

Catching the alarm clock one last time and deciding it was time to get up, smiling and going over whether or not I should write this on the astral pulse forums. Knowing fully well others could benefit from this information or at least a good story it was decided, I would.

Having always been a long time reader of these forums, and short time poster, I hope everyone enjoys this. Please posts any constructive comments or questions as you wish.

Although it might have been more practical to not write this as a story I felt it would make it more interesting and pleasant to the reader, if not enjoyable, at least more in depth than "the usual".

I wish you all pleasant dreams.

the 'buzzing' feeling was probably your body entering a relaxed state - I get that too when I meditate.

The difficulty moving is a standard symptom of being very relaxed.

The pain, tho, that's not too usual. There's a bit in Astral Dynamics about physical pain & side effects when using NEW, which might be related. My only other gues would be that your mental efforts were making you unconsciously tense your hands, and the pain was due to this accidental tension.

The patterns of light you mention sound like ideoretinal lights - a common occurence which I also have always had. Most noticeable in dark conditions or when looking at a plain background.

The images sound like hypnogogoic imagery, another common trance symptom.