Hi Exodus
Not bad, but needs polish. Just my opinion, but you asked.
Here is something taken from an author's website. (Link included below)
How to Create an Instant Bestselling Novel
by Cliff Pickover
Please consider the following helpful tips. These will make it easier to get your stories or novels published. These tips will help you write good fiction in general.
Mechanics
1. Show Not Tell
It's better to show through a character's actions than "tell" by having the narrator describe. Please do not "tell."
Example 1: "Garth became nervous" is "telling." It is better to "show" with: "Garth's hands trembled."
Example 2: "Garth did not want to go down the hall with the Major" is "telling." It is better to "show" with: "What?" Garth said, "There's no way in hell I'm going with you!"
2. Body Movement
Occasional reference to body movement and scene interaction is important so that characters are not disembodied talking heads. It's also important to occasionally use body movement before a person talks, in order to establish who is talking.
Example:
"When are you going to leave for France?" John asked.
could be cast as:
John took a slow breath. "When are you going to leave for France?"
(Many times beginning authors make it hard to figure out who is talking, but a quick reference to body movement before the speaker speaks makes it all clear.)
3. Short Better Than Long
In real life, people often talk in short sentences and phrases, rather than in long drawn-out sentences with big words. Another dialog tip: use contractions often. For example, a character may be more apt to say "I'll" than "I will."
4. Break the Dialog
Always insert a "he said" or "she said" as early as possible into a line of dialog (if a "he said" is even needed at all).
Example:
Never do: "Yes, I will kill him, but not until you buy the peaches for dinner," he said.
Instead do:
"Yes," he said, "I will kill him, but not until you buy the peaches for dinner."
5. Use Active Voice
Don't say: "The paper was placed on the wall by the doctor." Use active voice: "The doctor placed the paper on the wall."
6. Avoid Omniscient Narrator
Books have more immediacy if you stay within one character's head and therefore the narrator does not have knowledge of what other people are thinking. For example, if you are in Jake's head, we are in Jake's head for most of the book. We can't suddenly know how Melinda is feeling. Jake doesn't read her mind. We can suggest how she feels through Jake's opinions and what he sees and hears, and what she says and does. (Some people use an omniscient narrator, but the best books avoid it.)
7. Don't Rush The Scene
If a scene sounds rushed, with too little attention to detail and texture, then more words are needed to draw out the action and suspense.
8. Natural Dialog
If you are unsure if the dialog sounds natural, read it out loud to yourself. This is a great way to make sure the dialog is natural.
9. Involve All Senses
To really get the reader involved, try to stimulate more of the reader's senses. For example, if you've gone ten pages without stimulating the reader (and character in the book) with an odor, or tactile feeling, sound, or taste, the book will have less immediacy.
10. Use "Said"
I notice some beginning writers seem to dislike using "said" and try to replace the word "said" with words like commanded, remarked, uttered, began, etc. Perhaps they feel that too many "saids" stick out. However, you don't have to be afraid of using too many "saids." In fact, it is much worse to try substitutions. The best writers use "said" almost all the time and let the dialog convey the meaning. For example,
"Get out of here now!" he commanded.
is much worse than
"Get out of here now!" he said.
The word "commanded" is an unnecessary distraction. In any case, it's obvious the sentence is a command. When readers read "said", their eyes barely pause. The "said" goes almost unnoticed. This is what you want. Replacement words, such as "remarked", stick out obtrusively, which is what you don't want. For these reasons, some authors don't even use "he asked" for questions; rather they do: "Where is it?" he said.
11. Don't Begin To
Don't have your characters "begin to do something," "try to do something," and so forth. Just have them do it. Example: "Mary began to skip down the block." Change to "Mary skipped down the block."
12. Avoid "as he"
Avoid "as he" constructs. Example: "Mary turned on the TV as she thought all the time about Joe." Change to: "Mary turned on the TV, thinking all the time about Joe."
13. Provide Character Reactions
Example: When something is said or done to a character that is out of the ordinary, have the character respond. New writers often forget to show the responses of characters before moving on with the plot.
14. Which or That?
Use "which" with a comma when the phrase seems as if it could easily be set off with parentheses and make sense. Examples with "that" and "which": 1) I like dogs that bark. 2) I like the German Shepherd species, which has pointed ears, a tan coat, and teeth that rip.
http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pickover/bestseller.html
*********************
These are of course, merely suggestions. Pickover has published several books, so perhaps there is some value to what he says. Up to you.
In any event, keep on writing Exodus!
Best of luck to you.
Ghost
Not bad, but needs polish. Just my opinion, but you asked.
Here is something taken from an author's website. (Link included below)
How to Create an Instant Bestselling Novel
by Cliff Pickover
Please consider the following helpful tips. These will make it easier to get your stories or novels published. These tips will help you write good fiction in general.
Mechanics
1. Show Not Tell
It's better to show through a character's actions than "tell" by having the narrator describe. Please do not "tell."
Example 1: "Garth became nervous" is "telling." It is better to "show" with: "Garth's hands trembled."
Example 2: "Garth did not want to go down the hall with the Major" is "telling." It is better to "show" with: "What?" Garth said, "There's no way in hell I'm going with you!"
2. Body Movement
Occasional reference to body movement and scene interaction is important so that characters are not disembodied talking heads. It's also important to occasionally use body movement before a person talks, in order to establish who is talking.
Example:
"When are you going to leave for France?" John asked.
could be cast as:
John took a slow breath. "When are you going to leave for France?"
(Many times beginning authors make it hard to figure out who is talking, but a quick reference to body movement before the speaker speaks makes it all clear.)
3. Short Better Than Long
In real life, people often talk in short sentences and phrases, rather than in long drawn-out sentences with big words. Another dialog tip: use contractions often. For example, a character may be more apt to say "I'll" than "I will."
4. Break the Dialog
Always insert a "he said" or "she said" as early as possible into a line of dialog (if a "he said" is even needed at all).
Example:
Never do: "Yes, I will kill him, but not until you buy the peaches for dinner," he said.
Instead do:
"Yes," he said, "I will kill him, but not until you buy the peaches for dinner."
5. Use Active Voice
Don't say: "The paper was placed on the wall by the doctor." Use active voice: "The doctor placed the paper on the wall."
6. Avoid Omniscient Narrator
Books have more immediacy if you stay within one character's head and therefore the narrator does not have knowledge of what other people are thinking. For example, if you are in Jake's head, we are in Jake's head for most of the book. We can't suddenly know how Melinda is feeling. Jake doesn't read her mind. We can suggest how she feels through Jake's opinions and what he sees and hears, and what she says and does. (Some people use an omniscient narrator, but the best books avoid it.)
7. Don't Rush The Scene
If a scene sounds rushed, with too little attention to detail and texture, then more words are needed to draw out the action and suspense.
8. Natural Dialog
If you are unsure if the dialog sounds natural, read it out loud to yourself. This is a great way to make sure the dialog is natural.
9. Involve All Senses
To really get the reader involved, try to stimulate more of the reader's senses. For example, if you've gone ten pages without stimulating the reader (and character in the book) with an odor, or tactile feeling, sound, or taste, the book will have less immediacy.
10. Use "Said"
I notice some beginning writers seem to dislike using "said" and try to replace the word "said" with words like commanded, remarked, uttered, began, etc. Perhaps they feel that too many "saids" stick out. However, you don't have to be afraid of using too many "saids." In fact, it is much worse to try substitutions. The best writers use "said" almost all the time and let the dialog convey the meaning. For example,
"Get out of here now!" he commanded.
is much worse than
"Get out of here now!" he said.
The word "commanded" is an unnecessary distraction. In any case, it's obvious the sentence is a command. When readers read "said", their eyes barely pause. The "said" goes almost unnoticed. This is what you want. Replacement words, such as "remarked", stick out obtrusively, which is what you don't want. For these reasons, some authors don't even use "he asked" for questions; rather they do: "Where is it?" he said.
11. Don't Begin To
Don't have your characters "begin to do something," "try to do something," and so forth. Just have them do it. Example: "Mary began to skip down the block." Change to "Mary skipped down the block."
12. Avoid "as he"
Avoid "as he" constructs. Example: "Mary turned on the TV as she thought all the time about Joe." Change to: "Mary turned on the TV, thinking all the time about Joe."
13. Provide Character Reactions
Example: When something is said or done to a character that is out of the ordinary, have the character respond. New writers often forget to show the responses of characters before moving on with the plot.
14. Which or That?
Use "which" with a comma when the phrase seems as if it could easily be set off with parentheses and make sense. Examples with "that" and "which": 1) I like dogs that bark. 2) I like the German Shepherd species, which has pointed ears, a tan coat, and teeth that rip.
http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pickover/bestseller.html
*********************
These are of course, merely suggestions. Pickover has published several books, so perhaps there is some value to what he says. Up to you.
In any event, keep on writing Exodus!
Best of luck to you.
Ghost
By getting up early and staying up, a REM deficit occurs and when the brain is deprived of this 'essential period of dreaming', the mind will compensate at the earliest opportunity, therefore automatically making dreams vivid/intense within the first 5 mins of falling asleep. So, this method in itself will cause vivid dreams... but adding the full body circuit will make it kick butt!!!!!