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A couple weeks ago I was thinking about something the astral.  If we're able to enter it during certain periods of meditation/sleepiness then the link between worlds might be present at all times.  Somehow the state of mind you're in allows you to tap into that link.  And if that's true, it might be possible to tear through into the astral using force of will alone.  Find that thread between planes, pull on it hard enough and see what happens, was basically my thought process at the time.

When I sat down to do it I cleared my mind, then did this "mind loosening" thing that I just started doing one day and have done often ever since.  I'm not trained in any way for any of this stuff, although I have managed to AP on a few different occasions (doing traditional body asleep/mind awake vibration deals).  I just kind of wing it usually.  It seems like the instructions people give have built-in safe-guards and roadblocks - so after I get a feel for what I'm trying to accomplish, I just kind of skip those intermediary steps.  i look for the simplest way from A to B, but anyways.  "Mind loosening" is just me shaking around my consciousness until it's fluid-like I'm able to sense things outside myself or meditate.  Imagine your consciousness as a big bubble that's bouncing around your brain.  Normally it's quite content hanging around in your skull, but you can give it a little nudge here and there - expand it, contract it, hell, shoot it throughout the universe if you want.  That's basically what "mind loosening" is.

After the loosening, that I just kind of felt out where the astral meets our reality.  Easier than you might think if you know what you're looking for.  As for where I was physically (metaphysically?), I have no clue.  I had the impression I was around the edges where these dimensions converge; wherever I happened to be, there wasn't much going on to sight-see.  After I found it I tried to tear my way in by force of will, focusing my consciousness into a myriad of different implements.  I attempted bashing, cutting, splitting, essentially throwing energy at this wall.  I did this for five, maybe ten minutes, and not much was happening.  Then I started visualizing the break was an actual wall, an enormous black wall, almost invisible.  This sounds odd, but in my mind I could feel my hands searching around it, looking for a weakness.  I can remember how cold and smooth it felt, even now.  After I'd decided I'd found a weak point (however I did that, I have no idea), I drew up every scrap of energy I had and focused on that specific point.  I was devoted to breaking through this wall, and for a little while, a couple minutes or so, I could feel myself getting through.  It wasn't a pleasant breaking either, like the force of a tornado concentrated into a space the size of your fist.  Use whatever word you like: tearing, obliterating, annihilating, devouring.  Ever feel energy being devoured, torn apart?  This is what was happening.  Of course, like an idiot, I just kept going.  I wanted to see if I could do it.

Here's where it got interesting.  This next part all happens in the space of maybe six seconds, tops, but I'll slow it down for descriptive purposes.  I don't think I was anywhere close to boring a hole through, but I could sense the energy on the other side.  Suddenly everything stops, freeze frame.  I'm not in the same place I was before.  I see a gray wall, with a throne or high-backed stone chair of some sort jutting out of the wall, but smoothly connected to the main wall structure.  But oh wait, there's a man sitting in that throne.  He was all robes slightly darker than the wall/throne, except for his head, which was a dark red in color, with slightly exaggerated features.  I didn't pick up any anger, humor, or much of anything from him.  Mild annoyance would be the strongest vibe I sensed.  Like "Oh, another one of these" then a couple seconds later I'm smacked back into my body.  This all happened so fast that I couldn't react to anything.  The re-entry was also kind of interesting, imagine over-exposing film while driving down the highway.  In English, you could probably equate that to the hundreds of different "warp speed" scenes in sci-fi movies, where you see the stars, then the jump to warp speed causes them to streak by leaving white scars of light on the background.  I use "smacked" back into my body not out of metaphor, it was a definite rough landing, as the back of my head will attest when it hit the wall behind it and I was sitting back in my room.

Some side effects: I was totally burned out for the next couple days, and now that I think about it, the weird experiences I've been having lately (posted under "Messing Around" or something like that in the Metaphysics board) did seem to start soon after my astral hangover wore off.  So I'm either becoming a schizophrenic with a wild imagination, or I tapped into something during this experiment.

So, after reading this, what are your thoughts?  Granted, it's eight-hundred pages long, but I thought it would better to fully describe the experience than write "i tink i broke sumtin in da astral, i saw a red man when i tryed to brake into da astral."  Anyone ever try this before?  Should I even be trying to do this (note: I haven't tried it again since then)?  If you think I'm imaging this up, was it least an interesting read?  Any thoughts would be appreciated, been a wild few weeks as my Metaphysics forum post will attest to.

Additional note: I debated adding this because it adds to the "I'm crazy and becoming schizophrenic" theory, but it might have some relevance, so here it goes.  I'd heard about guardian angels/spirits before, and (at least) I think I'd been able to sense it's presense around me.  Lately however, I can feel her (more on this later) all the time.  I don't have to be meditating, projecting, or anything special.  It's like we're linked, she's kind of amused I'm writing this.  For instance, I know it's a she, and she can be really elusive and evasive,  but in a practical joking way - like she gets  a big kick out of it.  When I think about trying this experiment again, she gets expressly worried.  I can also communicate with her, but the answers aren't heard or even thought out in voice.  I ask a question, and I get a response, but it all comes in a split-second.  Almost before I've completely formed my thought the answer is there.  But her energy/soul/vibe is expressly different from mine, so unless I've splintered my psyche into multiple personalities, I don't know what's going on.  She seems intent on helping and protecting me, just another odd occurence in a string of odd occurences, so I don't think about it too much anymore.  I should probably seek psychiatric counseling.

I've always been kind of interested in things like this, occult magic (Goetia type things), astral projection, metaphysics, and I've dabbled in a bunch of them, or at least read until they stopped being interesting.  Lately though I've been screwing around with a thing called a brainwave generator.  It uses opposing beats in your ears to push your brain frequency to some other frequency that you want.  I haven't done it with any specific method, sometimes I just want to fall asleep quicker, or sometimes I'll just try to open up my mind (I guess in a sort of meditative way).  I did this for a few weeks every day or so for one reason or another, but lately, things have gotten kind of interesting.

At first I just thought that listening to this program was kind of a novelty, but I've been realizing things lately that I can't attribute to anything else.  I've been picking up vibes, for lack of a better word, from people.  From some people they're very weak, almost to the point of nonexistence.  One person in particular, I can lock into and just know what they're doing at any given time.  It's not very specific things I can pick up, just emotions really.  I can tell that she's sleeping right now, or that she was rushed and worried about something earlier.  Kind of strange, and it's hard to verify any of this because how exactly do you call someone up and say "Hey, why are you bored right now?  Because I have a mental impression that you're bored right now."

I played a game with myself today at the mall.  I sat down at a table and just watched people walking by, and tried to "read" them, how they were feeling.  I've always been good at reading people's emotions, but nothing to this extent.  I'd look at a couple, and just know that the guy's mind is working on one level, pretty boring guy, not much to him.  Then I'd look at the girl, and know that she thinks she's happy, but she's worried or scared about something.  Maybe that her life is in the gutter, that she thinks the guy is cheating on her, I have no idea, I just get the emotion not the reason.  One guy I looked at was really interesting, it was just total confusion.  I couldn't even pull one emotion out of the swirl.

Now my question is, what the hell is going on?  Is my mind just working in creative overdrive coming up with hundreds of mini-stories about people I see all day?  If I'm just imagining this, why can I feel people even while I'm sitting here typing in my room?  It's been getting stronger these past couple days, which is the reason why I sought out this forum.  I'm not overly skeptical or fanatical about metaphysical things, but my mind is open to the possibility.  Any thoughts or help would be appreciated.

quote:yes thats true but why kill yourself?If your ever being exposed to a hostile environment constantly.And it is turning you into an atom bomb.You can always pack your chit up and run for the hills.I did and alot of good has come out of it.

It's been my experience that most talks about suicide usually have a quote like this somewhere in them. "Buck up junior, it's not as bad as you think it is; it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, yadda yadda - take control of your life."  The problem with this train of thought is that it's entirely detrimental to the person who's suicidal.  It's almost condescending in nature.  I was severely depressed for maybe eight months or so, and it just lifted maybe two months ago.  During that period, I was extremely suidical at times.  There's no measure of emotional control that you can induce in yourself.  It's cold, it's dark, and there is no hope.  Do you know what it's like to not remember the feeling of happiness?  It's not that you haven't been happy in so long that you forget the taste and smell of it - you genuinely can't remember a single time in your life that you were happy.  Can you even imagine something like that?  It's as if the entire positive spectrum of human emotion has been wiped from your soul.  No hope, no joy, no happiness; all that's left is pain, torture, and defeat.  Now picture people telling you a handful of trite comments about how it's not as bad as you think, you can do something to make your life better, whatever.  Your brain is already working at full capacity to convice you of your worst fear, so someone telling you to "buck up" just makes you feel worse.  Half a year or more of this type of mental assault, and you'll be sitting in your bed, staring at a bottle of sleeping pills and wondering if the plastic bag will cut off oxygen to your brain in time for it to be a painless death.  

You know how in horror movies they never show the monster until the end of the movie?  That's because your mind can conjure up something infinitely more frightening than they could put on the screen.  Now imagine your brain working overdrive conjuring up ideas that you can't disbelieve - namely that there is no hope or reason to live.  If that's the type of lesson I've been sent down here to learn about, I want my astral money back, because I'm pretty sure I didn't sign up for this class.

Now after I've said all that, the experience was incredibly helpful and enlightening; and I sure as hell don't believe that we should try to banish these emotions from our consciousness.  In fact, the very act of trying to banish negative thoughts could be causing these suicidal outbursts in the first place. During my tenure in hell, I made my peace with the world and accepted all parts of myself, and in doing so, I tapped into something exciting and primal.  Realizing the ephemerality of existence, some days it feels like my consciousness has tapped into the lifeblood of the universe.  Without my experience, and the negative emotions that caused it, I'd still be walking around with blinders on.  What I took from the experience changed my life, but I'd like my future lessons to not involve me being a hair's width away from offing myself, as it could've just as easily gone the other way.

Thanks for the links, and I really need to look into these shields bit more.  It's been getting exponential better (or worse depending on how you view this) every day.  During the mall experiment, I had to kind of "lock on" to the vibe signature of a person.  Today when I was out it was like people were broadcasting, except I can't change the channels on them.  Kind of fun, but kind of weird also.  Some people have a certain "taint" which leaves a bad taste in my mouth physically.  I could do without that.

The psipog website was pretty interesting, too.  I had no idea that there were entire communities set up to learn and teach these kinds of things.  And now, for some follow-up questions, assuming there's not too much lead in my drinking water and I actually am picking up vibes from other people, why?  I tried google'ing a few combinations of words like "causes of empathy psionics" and things like that, but all I managed to pull up was role-playing game information.  While it would be interesting to know what magic item gives me +3 to psionics, it's not really what I was looking for.  Did my brain just glitch up as it was building itself and forget to put in the firewall?  What are some theories (or links to) these sorts of occurences (google'ing for "psionics" brought up the same type of role-playing sites)?

Sorry for these long newbie posts, but this is a lot to wrap my head around.  It's been a wild couple of weeks.  I need to learn more about this before I end up abusing it.  It's almost too much responsibility.  Knowing what people are thinking, really thinking about deep inside, my head hurts just thinking of all the ways you could abuse that.  And if our thoughts and emotions are being broadcast and received subconsciously all the time, it stands to reason you could start playing with those a little bit, and not manipulating them in a good way.  See, I told you it was a lot to wrap my head around.

As for the telepathy side of things, I think I'm getting the information already, I just can't decode it.  It's like "Here's Jane, here's her lump of energy and vibrations."  The emotions are basic and raw, easy to figure out.  You can't delude yourself out of emotion.  You can cover up your sadness, but the sadness is still there underneath it - and entirely readable.  The background noise behind all of that is probably thought, but there's a huge difference between "Jane happy," and "Jane is wondering if the shirt she bought at the store will look good with those pants in her closet."