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I've been reading Robert Bruce's book Practical Psychic Self Defense recenty, but am not quite sure where or how to categorize myself. I can be extremely jealous, controlling, self pitying, paranoid, and obsessive, but it usually comes on in bouts, and rarely at night. I sometimes experience having obsession images float through my head rather randomly, but they don't cause me to have an "urge" to do anything really, other than confess what occured in my mind to my boyfriend. I usually feel extremely guilty until I've told him and then feel fine, which also doesnt seem very sinister to me, as it accomplishes little but momentary discomfort. I also experience sudden bouts of anxiety triggered by a rather odd thought pattern and obsess and worry about thinking or visualizing certain things..It's very possible that I'm just a little too high strung, but most of these things revolve around my boyfriend and what he would think. I've experienced these problems before dating him, but they were fairly mild. Over the past two years they have progressively worsened. I suspected it might be more than just my usual strangeness as my boyfriend and most - if not all - of his friends are aware of the exsistence of the astral plane and spirits and reasearch such topics. In fact, it was my boyfriend who introduced me to the whole idea.

Also, not too long after I started meeting these people and learning more information about metaphysics a cyst formed on my wrist ans has steadily grown larger. I have countered some of my obbsessive and anxious thoughts out of pure desperation and now am at a tolerable level concerning that, however, it is my behavior that most concerns me. Once again, this behavior is mainly displayed to my boyfriend but can be generally displayed to anyone who gets in my way, whether by disagreeing with me or otherwise. I am overly jealous of my boyfriend and frequently finding myself wishing and asking him to not develop relationships with other females, as well as being extremely easily offended by him, very "pissy" in general. I also seem to whine and complain constantly around him. I basically make him miserable. However, I don't seem to act that way around anyone else so it's hard for him to get other people to believe us when we tell them what transpires.

I have experienced waking paralysis once within the past year or two but it didn't seem to be intended to do much and I eventually wriggled my way out of it. I can't think of any other remarkable psychic phenomena. I wish I could meet someone in person who was sensitive to this sort of thing so at least someone could tell me wether I'm possessed or controlled in any remote way or that I'm just a naturally occuring dirtbag.

I just started to treat my cyst with the mole removal technique and plan on doing all of the self improvement exercises described in the book. I have a friend who is fairly sensitive that told me my hallway and livingroom are rather unpleasant places for her to be, and I've had some episodes of seeing things out of the corner of my eye in those rooms myself. She also told me that my room was fine, and I have a small fish tank and a lamp and radio playing almost at all times in there. I've actually had it that way for years, even before I knew it was beneficial, because I'm not very comfortable being alone in dark, quiet places. My parents are Baptists and very religeous - that is to say they go to church, but my mother seems to be devoid of any morals and as selfish and vindictive as I seem to have become..I thought perhaps my problems, if they aren't just me being a generally nasty person, might stem from my mother. I'm not religeous myself and don't have any beliefs other than self improvement and general morality. Those facts present a problem: when my mother found my psychic defense book, she read the title out loud derisively and handed it back to me with an air of disbelief and general pompousness. I made some vague excuse about it not being mine so that she wouldn't tell my father, as he would think the very idea was not of god and basically Satanic. They are very close minded people and would question me if I tried to make the appropriate changes to my room in case of any serious Neg problems. I also am a source of a problem: because I don't participate in any organized reliegion it would be difficult for me to seek aid. The fact that I have no desire to seek any sort of religeous affiliation is probably also somewhat detrimental.

Once again, what I say is nothing like how I act. My behavior may be simply due to lack of self control but my boyfriend was concerned, and while at the Feathered Pipe Ranch at the camp held their he bought me the book on psychic defense.

I don't really know what else to say. I had an odd dream recently that spawned from an argument I had with my boyfriend from a while back, in which I did and said things that I would never do and caused my dream self to feel extreme guilt, but upon waking I simply wrote it down and ignored it as obviously not a clear representation of my self. The other night I also couldn't sleep because of paranoia, which also happened the night I began to read the book, but that could just be a reaction to it's contents, as I usually can't sleep after reading a horror novel or seeing a scary movie.

My attitude problems have always been present as I was spoiled as a child and seem to naturally be rather outspoken, but it's getting to the point of being truly despisable. Nothing overly strange happened to me as a child that I can remember other than occasionally hearing voices before I'd go to sleep. Nothing remarkably odd happened to me until I moved into the house I live in now. A bunch of very strange things have happened to all the cats we have had since we moved here except the current one..I suppose I could elaborate if you're curious.

I really hope I don't sound like an idiot, but none of my friends have had the opportunity to read the book so this is the only place I could think of to ask...Am I having geniune Neg related problems, or am I making up things to excuse my behavior?
I feel very stupid posting this but I'd rather not go overboard if it turns out to only be a minor problem..

That's basically what I thought I should do...Heh, I must sound like a total noob, lol. I think we have a few Yoga classes in the area, I'll check it out. Thanks.

And as for my cats:

When we moved we brought along my saimese cat. My brother and I harrassed it when it was a kitten (which is odd in itself as I had always loved animals as a child), which would make it being hostile to us logical, but most of the time she was fairly tame and decent. In fact, we had never had problems with her being violent until one day nearly 10 years ago. I found our back door open and noticed that our neighbor's cat had gotten into the house and was socializing with our cat. I immediately picked him up to take him outside. As I crossed the threshold, my cat let out a low growl and flung herself at my visicously clawing my legs. I ran into my mother and practically tried to climb on top of her as the cat seemed determined to rend the flesh from my bones. I have no idea what happened after that as I can't remember but she eventually calmed down to her normal self. My mother assumed the odd reaction was triggered by me messing with the neighbor's cat and simply left our cat outside for a while to let her calm down. About a month later I walked into our house having just gotten home from church and my cat ran up to me again, at first without any sign of violence, and then running at me and growling lowly. I jumped up on the table and avoided her, and my dad cornered her. She was completely crazy - hissing and spitting and growling, but she didn't attack anyone but me. She bit me at some point which left a mole, and later a cyst formed right next to it...

We eventually got rid of her and later got another cat. This cat one day walked up to me (again after I had just gotten home from church) wobbling drunkenly and yowling pitifully, as if he were in a lot of pain. He staggered through our door as we watched, horrified. He vomited up a clear, watery substance and fell to the ground, no longer able to walk. We immediately contacted a vet. He had no control over his bladder and wet himself on the way there. In the end, he spent a week in intensive care and got a blood transfusion done as he was found to be very aenemic. The vet said that it may have been an adverse reaction to fleas but could provide no other explanation. A few months after recovering, the cat disappeared. At the time I also had another cat who lived outside, and not too long after the first dissappeared, the second was found unexplainably dead in a neighbor's backyard. He had broken his pelvis before, supposedly by being hit by a car, so we just assumed that was the cause and moved on. He did, after all, die only a few days after halloween, but I think that this was no cruel prank as I kept him inside for most of that night.

My dog also has been experiencing back pains for the past few years, which are fairly illogical since she isn't very old. Prescribed medicine seems to have little effect.