My wife has cheated on me.

[Mattoid]

Firstly I'd just like to apologize for how scrambled this will look and seem, I haven't slept in a little over two days and I'm really struggling to string my sentences together. My wife doesn't want me to tell anyone about this but i think she just meant our family and friends which i completely understand. I just need to express how i feel in some way, and maybe get a little help with a problem.

I just found out three days ago that my wife has been cheating on me for most of this year. I've known for a long time that something wasn't quite right as she'd reject all my attempts of establishing an emotional connection, shoot down any conversation i tried to have with her, minimize IM conversations the second I'd walk by the computer ect so her being the only person i have in this country hit me pretty hard.

Now I'm originally from England but after she fell pregnant, i sacrificed my entire life because she wasn't happy to stay in England (she missed her family and friends here in America) in-turn she told me she'd help me get legalized in this country, despite my seemingly endless nagging just before my visa expired) That never happened, and I've been living here illegally for 2 years, my only income being the maintenance of a website i designed for a video-game store which I don't get to see a penny of. I brought us here on my credit-card, furnished a new apartment, bought all of the things we'd need for Lilah (my little girl). Very stupid, i know, but I didn't really get a chance to save up anything because of how concerned i was about her stress levels with her being pregnant. So i said goodbye to my job, the best friends a person could ever have, and my family.

I don't quite know why this has happened, I cook every single meal, I spend every waking minute caring for my daughter, I clean twice a day every day, I truly listen to everything she says, I encourage her in ANYTHING she wants to do, I've never cheated, I don't check out other woman out of respect for my wife, I rub her feet when she gets home, and her back before she sleeps, I don't object to never having time to myself whilst she's out wit her friends. I have asked for nothing in return, I don't expect anything. I'm still in the same clothes i had in highschool! and could fit all my belongings into a regular grocery bag. I don't understand how she can see me in rags, whilst buying and designing novelty shirts for this guy.

I don't know why this is happening, but i don't want to be irrationally angry at the symptom, I know i must be the cause and that's just the cold hard truth. As all four of my previous partners deceived and cheated on me, I attributed that to not having sex with them (my wife was my first) but i still gave them everything i could. I know what it feels like to be taken for granted, and there's no way my wife could possibly feel like that.

Despite giving her the perfect opportunity to tell the truth, she decided to lie to my face. I messaged the guy who then lied to me as-well, until i told him that i hacked into her phone or something and saw their conversations (which i didn't do, I didn't invade her privacy) I told him that i knew, and that i hoped he'd never have to go through what I'm feeling, and that i wouldn't even wish it upon him, I believe that we're all individual aspects of the same consciousness so it's not them i aim my despair but to myself. I told them both that i forgive them and acknowledge that we're human, and having a human experience.

She has promised me that this will never happen again, and I feel she meant it.

I'm trying to handle this healthily but in all honesty i can't even cry. I feel like if i was to start I'd never stop. I mentioned a problem in my first sentence, that i would really appreciate any input or help with. I've been having severe convulsions in my stomach area, almost as if I'm being electrocuted and when i resist them i feel a lot of frustration building, but if i let them happen i feel a sense of satisfaction despite the muscles in that area starting to hurt from how violent they get if i resist them. It's a lot worse at night and is sometimes accompanied by trembling depending on my anxiety. I just want this to stop, and would appreciate any suggestions.

[personalreality]

that's bonking intense.

you have every right to be angry and you should be, that's healthy.

if you don't deal with the emotions you're feeling, they will cause deeper and harder to resolve pain in the future.

don't justify the situation.  accept it for what it is and don't over analyze, otherwise you'll just mask your feelings.

there is a lesson for you here.  i can't say what it is, but you have a grand opportunity in front of you.

i offer my sincerest sympathies.

can you go back to england?

social support is important.  i know she said not to talk about it, but you have too.  she's embarrassed that got caught and may feel guilty as well.  she doesn't want people to know about it because it will reflect badly on her.  if she had a problem, the solution would have been to talk to you about it, not sleep around.  naturally there are two sides to every story and when you're dealing with relationships it's never the fault of just one party.  you are both to blame and it's healthy to understand that.  but you need to talk to someone.  you need social support from somewhere.  even if it's a phone call to a friend or your mom or someone back home.  at the very least, i'm sure there are support groups in the area, it might be worth checking out.

whatever you do, you need to deal with the emotion or it will all be much worse.

[Summerlander]

Mattoid...

If she's truly remorseful, forgive her, but make it clear to her that if it happens again, that you will send her packing because you are not a doormat.

[Inico]

I'm not exactly qualified to give such important advice, but I think your priority now should be finding a way to get legalized, or at least securing an escape route back to England. It would be unwise to depend on her long-term cooperation after this.

It sounds like you act as her doormat, and that she's the one with the power in the relationship, and when that happens it usually only becomes a matter of time before a woman becomes flaky. So I encourage you to find inner strength and take your life into your own hands so that this doesn't happen again. Remember, it wasn't your fault. Such is life.

Just be emotionally strong and find a way to organize your life to get some security for the kid's sake, if nothing else.

[Mattoid]

I've been asking to go back to England for a long time, but she's ''fallen in love with Portland'' and literally is the only person with income, I get a $100 money-gram for my Birthday in July from my parents which i usually spend on gifts for Lilah and Jessica for the coming year, as pathetic as it sounds that's really all i get. The money i make from maintaining a website gets swallowed up every two months paying the interest on my credit-card debt.

I actually tried to really push the idea a few weeks ago, but she made it quite clear that she didn't want to lose all the stuff she's worked to obtain, and then i realized that it'd be selfish to put my happiness before theirs.

If i don't sort out my immigration status and try to leave for England I'll be banned for 5-10 years, the thought of not being able to see my daughter scares me more than i can even say, my daughter is after all a US citizen, I don't think there would be an issue if it wasn't for fear of losing my kid.

[CFTraveler]

Hi Mattoid.
I'm very sorry that this is happening, and I agree with what I have read so far from pr and Inico, and I'd like to add a few comments.
First of all, sex outside the marriage is a very complicated thing, and is not always explainable simplistically- you can be the 'perfect' spouse/partner and it still can happen, just as it can happen to you-it's just that your role in the marriage seems to be the submissive role, which is not wrong in itself, but seems to be problematic from what I read in your post.

I read:

I don't quite know why this has happened, I cook every single meal, I spend every waking minute caring for my daughter, I clean twice a day every day, I truly listen to everything she says, I encourage her in ANYTHING she wants to do,

This is fine and dandy, but people don't always cheat because they don't feel wanted or needed.  Sometimes they cheat just because they can, or the other person is making them feel better than you, which sometimes happens after having children- most of the divorces-because-of-cheating I have seen have happened soon after having a baby.  Sometimes the stress of the happy event just brings things to the surface that can go unnoticed for years, or so I've observed for many years.

I've never cheated, I don't check out other woman out of respect for my wife, I rub her feet when she gets home, and her back before she sleeps, I don't object to never having time to myself whilst she's out wit her friends. I have asked for nothing in return, I don't expect anything. I'm still in the same clothes i had in highschool! and could fit all my belongings into a regular grocery bag. I don't understand how she can see me in rags, whilst buying and designing novelty shirts for this guy.  

I can- it seems you have been so passive that you may have been giving her the message that it's ok for you to be deprived while she has what she wants- you have taken the submissive role in the relationship.  Now, if you tend to be submissive by nature and tend to give other people your power, then she just did what might come naturally- have you ever had a conversation with her about it that didn't involve guilt or recrimination?  (In other words, did the relationship change when y'all got pregnant, or was it unbalanced from the beginning?
When it comes to codependent relationships, sometimes people broadcast certain impulses that attract a certain type of person.  Is this what happened here, or have you tried to go against your nature to accommodate her behaviour?

I don't know what you can do to obtain citizenship in this case, but I suggest that you do talk to a blood relative back in England about it, because by maintaining her secrecy you continue to let her call the shots, even if you ask them not to make a big deal about it to her- so that if you ever have to leave you have the means to do this- but please realize that since you are the one taking care of the kids, that if things go south, she is the one who has to leave, because you don't want to be charged with abandonment in the case of your daughter.  And if you can find all the paperwork you have regarding the work you have done with this website I recommend that you start keeping good records to try to prove you have been employed.  I'm not sure what the laws are regarding  this, but it seems to me that being the house-husband is considered legitimate, but I can't be sure.

I also don't know if the fact that she has promised not to do it again means that the marriage can be saved, or if she is aware of the inequality of your relationship and taking advantage of the situation on purpose.  Sometimes, believe it or not, people don't mean to abuse their power- so I guess that both of you need to do some work- and you need to establish some sort of paper trail regarding your work.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you, Matt.
CF.

[Inico]

Well I'd advise you to save up as much as you can of the money you get, although you love spending it on gifts for the kids. It would help you build a foundation.

Even if you went back to England, your kids would still be your kids, and you'd be reunited with them eventually, one way or another, because they love you. Don't worry too much about that.

[Mattoid]

Just be emotionally strong and find a way to organize your life to get some security for the kid's sake, if nothing else.

I have been emotionally strong, the one thing I've been trying to do is keep my family together. Please don't think my child is suffering because she really isn't, she's the happiest little girl you could ever know. I want to do what is best for them. Nothing has been said in-front of her, and i still treat my wife with love and respect but thank-you for your response, and yes I will save for a lawyer.

[CFTraveler]

Hey Matt.

The money i make from maintaining a website gets swallowed up every two months paying the interest on my credit-card debt.

We cross-posted so I didn't see this- This would show you are indeed working and should help you in regards getting citizenship.

[SomeRandom]

Well considering he deleted his account he might not see this, but I think he'll probably check.
I think he should move back to England, and maybe take his daughter.

To me it sounds like there isnt anything wrong with you matt, but who you are attracted too. These people take advantage of you...
You said you moved to America because she missed her family and friends, but now aren't you the lonely one in USA? but isnt it worse this time?
I think you should put yourself first, it seems you always put others before yourself.
Your wife will most likely cheat on you again if she did it for over a year, like come on shes buying this guy stuff even though you put yourself in debt for her? This isnt love.
You're the one that shows true love. Considering she is cheating on you, I think you might be able to get custody of your child

[luthienlv]

Matt,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is one of the most horrible things you could have to deal with. The worst is the feeling that you may be separated from your daughter. As I was reading this thread, I got a huge hard knot in my gut. It makes me crazy that things like this happen.

I know no one can tell you what to do, but I would like to offer some advice. In the state of Oregon, unless laws have changed drastically in the last few years, it is very difficult for a mother to be denied custody of her children. Basically, you would need proof of her doing drugs and having open sex right in front of the kids. It sounds out there, but I lived there for many years and had friends that had the same issues.

Your wife is being very selfish right now. She is not showing you the love or respect you deserve but enough of that. That's something you have to decide. As hopeless as it sounds, you may have to dig in your heels and stay in the States if you want to be with your daughter unless your wife is willing to give up custody. The bond between you and your daughter will last forever, but partners come and go. That may sound calloused, but it is my opinion.

It is my sincere hope that no matter what happens with you and your wife, you can both still be there for Lilah.

[Lexy]

Hi Matt


not sure why you deleted your account but anyway...the pain you feel in your stomach is your 3rd chakra which relates to your self-esteem. You are feeling pain because you do not love yourself. You never seem to think about yourself, which you must think is honorable. the problem with that is if you can't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? Only you can fix this, start to care for yourself, think about what you really want for a change. Your life will never be joyful if you keep letting people take advantage of your kindness.

[TofuAttack]

sounds to me like you need to start caring about your own well-being first, afterall how can you love them, when you can't love yourself. women tend to be attracted to confident men, alpha males, if you're always giving her the dominant role in the relationship she will feel like you're lacking "male" qualities.

if she has been cheating on you for such a long time, theres a good chance it may happen again, this is a point in your life where you really need to make some big changes. sit her down and the show her your post. i really suggest strongly that you do, it may make her realise the situation from your perspective since you obviously wouldnt be able to tell her directly.

im no expert, just opinions.

[the8reader]

Once a cheater always a cheater.. trust me Im a cheater.. its in our nature to get caught or try not to get caught.. its exciting.. and addictive.  my advice, take your lil girl leave go back home and forget about her. o and get the anger out. that is just way to much to bottle up man. go hit some trees with your fist, scream at here pack up your kid and go home..

[CFTraveler]

Guys, it's not so simple- if he just ups and takes the baby back home without her consent he can be accused of kidnapping, and if there is a divorce and it's a no-fault state it doesn't matter who cheats on whom, except if the mother is a drug addict or a prostitute he will not get custody, usually the judges don't grant custody to a father 'just like that', especially if she is gainfully employed.
The situation is difficult for him as it is already.
That's why I'm advising to get citizenship, and then see if the marriage can be saved.  If not, get divorced and see what can be done about custody.  Nowadays the judges go for split custody.   Most of the time, when a mother is truly unfit she'll just leave him with the child- then he can file for abandonment and take her home.
Otherwise, it's a big ol' can of worms that'll get opened up, and nobody wins, especially not the kiddies.


Matt, I imagine you're still reading this thread and understand why you would have deleted your account.  Know that we're thinking of you and praying that it all goes well for you.

[luthienlv]

I don't understand why. You need some kind of support system. Even just people to talk to! But I wish you the best. Miss ya on facebook! 

[CFTraveler]

I don't understand why. You need some kind of support system. Even just people to talk to! But I wish you the best. Miss ya on facebook! 

If I were trying to hide my online talks with others I'd probably write what I had to share, delete my account, and then join with another one.  That way she wouldn't be able to trace it if she wanted to unless she already knew his old nic.  But that's just a guess.