Funny Posts Only...

[themadness]

My two favorite jokes evAr!


What did HH the Dalai Lama say to a NYC hotdog vendor?
  -"Make me one with everything"


After paying the hotdog vendor with a $20, HH waited for his change. What did the vendor say to HH the Dalai Lama?
  -"Change must come from within"

[]

[Anonymous]

"Women get all the recognition. 'Oh, she cleans the house, she takes care of the kids, she cooks the food.' What about the man? 'Hey honey, the lights work again 'cause I fixed em, isn't that great?' The only thing the man ever gets is the big piece of chicken. When I was a kid, my mama would KILL us if we took the big piece of chicken. 'Don't you touch that you little %^&*! It's for your dad.'" -Chris Rock

"I am El Nino, all other storms must bow before me! I am El Nino! El Nino is Spanish for......... The Nino." -Chris Farley, SNL

Homer: "No beer and no TV make Homer something something."
Marge: "...Go crazy?"
Homer: "Don't mind if I do! Waaaaaaaaablarghargharghargarghr! Hee! Hoo! Ha! Hoo! Ha! Hooo! Heee! Haa! Hoo!"

[wisp]

Thanks PeacefulWarrior for the Jack Handy link, that was so funny to read. I tried to find some of my favorites but no luck.I did have this one thing I had saved, I thought it was kind of funny.[]

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this, I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation. WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital.I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

[cainam_nazier]

I have always loved that one.

[cainam_nazier]

Okay.....

2 guys walk into a bar....which if you really think about it is silly.  I mean after the 1st guy ran into it the 2nd guy should have stopped.

(incert laugh here)

[Bob251]

Too many Simpsons quotes.  Not enough time to type all.

Burns: "This house has quite a long and colorful history.  It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground and was the setting for satanic rituals, witch burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials."

(the next is recalled from memory, may not be EXACTLY correct)
Lisa:"DAD! We did something REALLY bad!"
Homer:"Did you wreck the car?"
Bart:"No."
Homer:"Did you raise the dead?"
Lisa:"Yes."
Homer:"But the car's OK?"
Bart and Lisa:"Uh-huh."
Homer:"OK then.


got this from someone's signature in another forum, some might remember it

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy, and taste good with ketchup."

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming FRIENDLY fire.

That's it for now.

[Anonymous]

LOL!!! Here's a good post to get into the anti-valentine's day spirit.

http://yonkis.ya.com/flash/madness.htm

This is one of the funnier things I've seen today.

[Anonymous]

Hey wait I have a poem someone sent me.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
All my base
Are belong to you.

[panabelle]

A collection of my favorites:

Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun" sizes? Wouldn't it be more fun to eat a big one?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say "Do you find something funny?" When obviously we do?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Any given computer program, if running, is obsolete.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.
Banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

[Anonymous]

An excerpt from a conversation from my friends:

Matt: "The other day I asked some girl out. She said she had a fiancee."

Dan: "See what happens when you start believing in yourself?"



Slogan above the entrance to administrative services building at my college: "Door of Opportunity."

Note on door: "Please use other door."

Sure Timeless u can be my valentine [].

[PeacefulWarrior]

You have to have an, ummm, "different" sense of humor to like this:
http://www.realultimatepower.net/

[Parmenion]

PeacefullWarrior thanks for that link. The site is so ridiculous i couldnt help laughing.Good for a giggle

Parmenion

[panabelle]

I like the banner ad![]

If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

I like those too.
Go to http://www.bored.com then click BORED JOKES on the left then search the joke database for "overlord" and click on the Evil Overlord Career guide. It's 100 things this guy wouldn't do if he was an evil overlord and it is FUNNY! Sorry I couldn't just get a website, but they have this stupid frame at the top that won't let me.

[Anonymous]

If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't more people happy?

[Anonymous]

http://www.matazone.co.uk/theotherside.html


And


http://www.milkandcookies.com/


Both of these are really good, high-quality sites, and easy to navigate.

[Anonymous]

Did you hear about those two peanuts that were walking in Central Park at night? They were a-salted.



A warden at a mental institution is making his nightly rounds, and walks into one of the rooms to find a man running back and forth making car noises. He says, "Oh, hello Willy, what are you doing?" The man replies, "I'm driving to Chicago for the weekend." The warden says, "Oh, that's nice," and looks up to see another man on a bed doing himself a favor. "What the hell are you doing?!" screams the warden. "Shhh," the man replies, "I'm screwing Willy's wife while he's in Chicago."

[Tom]

Gas stations / convenience stores have locks on the doors because there are times when even they must be closed. If there is only one worker, for example at night, and that worker wants to go use the bathroom or to clean the parking lot then the doors might be locked. If there is a robbery, then afterward (if the clerk is still alive) the doors are usually locked. The locks on the door are definitely not a joking matter and more than the security cameras.

Sorry about not posting something funny.

[Mobius]

>Question: If you could live forever, would you and
>why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we
>should not live forever, because if we were supposed
>to live forever, then we would live forever, but we
>cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
>forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
>``````````````````````````````````
>"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
>all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd
>love to be skinny like that, but not with all those
>flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
>````````````
>"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
>important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during
>an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
>anti-smoking campaign.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````````
>"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
>of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky
>basketball forward.
>`````````````````````````````````````````````
>"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
>lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion
>Barry, Washington, DC.
>`````````````````````````````
>"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
>our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton
>commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
>````````````````````````````````````````````````````
>"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
>by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A
>congressional candidate in Texas.
>````````````````````````````
>"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great
>country away from them. There were great numbers of
>people who needed new land, and the Indians were
>selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John
>Wayne
>```````````
>"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
>--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
>``````````````````````````````````
>"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
>It's the impurities in our air and water that are
>doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
>```````````````````
>"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
>--Dan Quayle ``````````
>" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds
>could go one way or another" --George Bush, US
>President
>``````````````````````
>"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean
>air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
>```````````
>"I was provided with additional input that was
>radically different from the truth. I assisted in
>furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from
>his Iran-Contra testimony.
>`````````````````````````````````````````
>"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
>genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman,
>NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
>````````````````````````````````````````````
>"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
>certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman,
>ROTC Instructor.
>`````````````````````````````````
>"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
>--Bill Clinton, President ``````````````````
>"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may
>not occur." --Al Gore, VP
>``````````
>"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
>overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
>```````````````
>"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
>because we received notice that you passed away. May
>God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in
>your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
>Greenville, South Carolina
>````````````````````````````````````````````
>"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
>in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor
>their heart throughout the night. And the next
>morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a
>record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
>````````````````````````

Mobius[8]


 

[Tom]

>"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
>--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

0.5 x 0.9 = 0.45

So 45% of the game is mental. Is that really funny?

[Anonymous]

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone equally.

Stupid people should not breed.

Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds. Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The trouble with the rat race is, even if you win, you're still a rat.

If you love it so much, why don't you marry it

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.  If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I
apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat
crow while it's still warm.

The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe them.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Be really nice to your friends. You never know when  you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Penny Arcade comic: "Why does everyone call them 'chip clips?' I mean, people just put em on their wangs. Why don't they call them 'wang hangers' or 'wang clips' or something?"

Celebrity Jeopardy on SNL, "Sean Connery" :

Not so fast Trebek! I pose a connundrum, a riddle: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I forget how it ends, but your mother's a whore!"

      Alex Trebek: "Name this continent: [Loud voice says: Asia]"

      "Yes, I'll take the rapist for 400." Trebek: "That's THERAPIST."

[Spirit_Gurl]

where do kings keep their armies?
  in their sleevies

2 people died right before their wedding. they asked st. paul to find them a preist so they could get married in hevean. after 2 years, he came back with one. they then asked for a lawer, in case they got devorced. the saint said, "it took me 2 years to find a priest! now you want me to find a lawer!?"

there ain't no such word as 'aint'

if our brains were simple enough to understand, we still wouldn't be able to understand them. why? because we'd be too stupid.

what has 4 wheels and flies?
  a dump truck

[Anonymous]

WARNING: Parental f***ing advisory!

[Spirit_Gurl]

found on a lable on a sticky roller used for picking hairs off cloths:

WARNING- do not use on someone's head; may cause hair to stick up and cause severe discomfort

[PeacefulWarrior]

"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

[cainam_nazier]

Are you legally insane?

Find out.

Before clicking make sure your speakers are on, let the page load fully.

If you don't laugh your dead!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/insane.html