No jokes but I saw the funniest commercial the other day. It was a beer commercial.
It starts out with a bar tender standing behind his bar, and the in walks a priest, a rabbi, and a monk. Then a blonde, brunette, and a red head, 2 pollocs, and all kinds of others. Finally a horse walks in and it goes over to the blonde who is sitting there and she says, " I don't get it." It was funny as hell.
Dear Tisha,
This is an older one but a good one.
A blonde walks into the bank and asks to take out a small $200 loan. When asked what she had for collateral she points to her red 2003 CLK200 KOMPRESSOR sports car. She says, "I'll leave it and my keys here for good measure."
The bank manager is called over because of this extraordinary situtation and when he sees the car out the window he starts to salivate. He asks, "Why do you need a $200 loan with a car like that?" he asks.
The blonde giggles and says, "Spending money for a little trip I'm taking. HeHeHe."
The bank manager thinks, "Sounds reasonable for a blonde and look at those headlights (NOT THE GIRL -- THE CAR! GEEZ YOU GUYS!)." He says outloud, "Sure we'll let you take out the loan."
A month later the blonde returns to the bank with a beautiful tan, pays out the loan with it's $8 of interest.
The manager returns the keys and laughs, "Did your spending money come in handy?"
The blonde replies, "Sure did! This is the cheapest parking I have ever found this close to the airport."
Good Day All,
timeless[:)]
P.S. I'm a natural dirty blonde. NO! NO! The hair is dirty, I mean dark blonde. I am as pure as the driven snow.
Here's one I heard recently, but it could also go under poetry.
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are somethings
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns.
The ones we don't know we don't know.
Donald Rumsfeld (Secretary of Defense of the USA)
A blind guy walks into a bar and says "anybody wanna hear a blond joke?"
The barman says to the guy "ok, because you're blind I'll let you in on something. I'm blonde, I'm a former state kickboxing champion. The fella beside you is blonde, he's 6'5 and a body builder. The two ladies on the table behind you are blonde, and they're both professional women's tag-team wrestlers, the fella on the other side of you is blonde, and an olympic weight lifter. So, do you still want to tell your little joke?"
The blind guy says "well, no. Not if I have to tell it five times."
[:)]
James.
quote:
Originally posted by Mirador
Here's one I heard recently, but it could also go under poetry.
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are somethings
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns.
The ones we don't know we don't know.
Donald Rumsfeld (Secretary of Defense of the USA)
i don't see how that fits under this topic. i know what rumsfield meant; it isn't that hard to figure out. it's like people expect our political leaders to be masters of public speaking, when a lot of them are in office for what they're *supposed* to be in office for: being good leaders. i really like george w. because he's a just a normal guy in most respects. he is a good leader, though, imo. just like his dad, he's been trying to get a lot of reagan's ideas more into play. and if we had elected gore, there's good chance we would have never went to war with iraq and sought out saddam and bin laden, which may be good or bad depending on your views. i know clinton never did anything but put a bounty on bin laden, and during clinton's terms there was a lot of terrorist action. most notable was the bombing of the bases of the world trade centers, which was also supposed to make them collapse. i'm glad bush actually did something, and he did it fast. within an hour or two he was making public anouncements that we were going after bin laden, and within only a few short days we were in afganistan hunting that bastard down.
sorry for getting off topic, just had to say a few things. probably a form of venting. [:)]
I dunno, the Rumsfeld thing gave me a good laugh, ya know![:)]
Chill for a bit no_leaf. This is a joke thread![;)]
im not irritated or anything, im fine. but this being a joke thread is exactly why i posted that [;)]
Sorry...just didn't get it then[?]
I might be having a blonde moment[:I]
James.
No Leaf,
When George Bush decided to go into Afghanistan did they catch Bin Laden (NO), what they did do was kill many innocent people. When George Bush decided to go into Iraq did they find weapons (NO), did they catch Saddam Hussein (NO), but they did kill many innocent people. Why are you glad Bush invaded Iraq? It's proven that he had evidence fabricated. All they've done is get Saddam out of office which was not the main point.
Reply please.
Thank,
M
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
George W. Bush —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
Ahh metaphysics I think he was being sly and making a joke. For instance I found:
" know what rumsfield meant; it isn't that hard to figure out. it's like people expect our political leaders to be masters of public speaking, when a lot of them are in office for what they're *supposed* to be in office for: being good leaders."
Pretty hilarious!!
James - love the blind one!
Aahh I hear jokes but forget them (yup blonde) and the ones I dont forget are probably not fit for public consumption [:P]
Hi everyone, for a good laugh and a little smile -- go to:
Assignment Editor.com and scroll down to the Timewasters. Play a
few games of Fling The Cow.
It is not a joke, but it is sure good for a laugh. Great fun
when you are stressed out. [:D]
ya know metaphysics, i think you stumbled on the real reason why we went over to the middle east: to kill innocent people. screw 9/11. what could be more fun than shooting down some random arabs? of course if the terrorists dressed differently, and didn't look like everybody else, then that would've been a little too obvious.. but they don't dress differently, lucky us!
so how can we tell the difference between a terrorist and innocent civilian? easy: we can't, and we don't have to! we just go gun down *everybody*, just like the media's been telling us about, and nobody can tell if it was an innocent person or a terrorist. no one will ever know [;)]
btw, saddam's used chemical weapons on us before in the gulf war (as we realized after the war was over), and he sure was acting suspicious... not allowing those UN inspectors in.. moving around large trucks from installation to installation as we caught on satellite.. but the important thing, with both saddam and bin laden, is that they don't have much power anymore. just some suicidal sheep that come to our soldiers and blow themselves up.
no_leaf_clover,
I thought you were in a coma?
o.o..
no_leaf_clover? uhh.. oh yeah.. this is one of my.. err.. brian's friends.. matt.. Yes, I am Matt.
o.o
I know waaay too many good funny websites out there. LIST!
~ No matter how old you are, you can't get sick of www.homestarrunner.com !!!
~ ummm... Jokes.com ? yay. I lied. I have one good site. But it's awesome!
JOKE TIIIIIIME!!!
I have no jokes.
~Squeek
quote:
Originally posted by Squeek
No matter how old you are, you can't get sick of www.homestarrunner.com !!!
~ ummm... Jokes.com ? yay. I lied. I have one good site. But it's awesome!
Squeek,
Please tell me that the joke was your site recommendation. [:O]
If you want to laugh hard, go here: http://www.riddleme.com/image/Cow1masked.swf
But only go if your sense of humor is slightly twisted and you are not easily offended. You've been warned! [:P]
Lasher
P.S. The flash vid takes a minute or so to load. Wait until you see the "play" button and then click it.
www.subgenius.com [:D]
CORPORATE LESSONS - - - you might have seen them already - - -
*************************
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself
up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give
you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment,
the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her
good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who
was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the
husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with
your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped
and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his
hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129." The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He
forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his
eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129." Once
again the priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and
went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek;
further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
give each of you one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I
want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the
sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager
says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
George W. Bush had a heart attack and died. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here", says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three entrants who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and couldn't do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" Commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief and right away agreed saying, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled... "Okay Monica, you are free to go".
:)
Yours,
Frank
LOL Tisha and Frank! Right on the ball on those jokes. I've heard a spin on some of those before, but hearing them again is always funny :D
I'm not much for good story jokes, but in my times chatting, some people say some really funny stuff! Here's a few.
"If u ever want to insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes, then by the time u insult them, ur a mile away and wearing their shoes!"
Remember : If your chicken starts barking, you better throw a clown at the President.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Remember kids! Drink your school, stay in drugs, and don't do milk!
I have friends...You just can't see them.
(Guy 1) You're a guy, right? (Guy 2) not on sundays.
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
(someone) get up
(someone) get on up
(someone) get up
(someone) get on up
(someone) and DANCE!!
*bot dances :D\-<
*bot dances :D|-<
*bot dances :D/-<
(someone else) I'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
Mary had a little lamb, a little toast, a little jam, a little pizza and some cake, some French fries and a chocolate shake, a little burger on a bun. And that's why Mary weighs a ton.
*Someone hands Squeek a cookie *Squeek wonders if someone ever read "If you give a mouse a cookie" (someone) I did <Squeek> Oh. <Squeek> Can I have some milk?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (i like this one :D)
Some of those are from a good quote site. Like 3. I wont post it because some of the quotes there are pretty....bad....
Hope you had a laugh!!!
~Squeek
Excerpt from a fake news article...
Newfoundland, Canada....
A small 2 passenger aircraft crashed into a cemetery yesterday. So far rescuers have recovered 268 bodies from digging for survivors, but no living have been found yet...
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
before?"
9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got
two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't
even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in
the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they
figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the
past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs,
TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE
STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS
HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT
WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... what did you ask
me?
quote:
Originally posted by violet84
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
before?"
9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got
two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
accept this sacrifice.. lmao. that would *definitely* be a bad thing to hear.
i dunno if you guys have heard this one..
a man and his monkey go into a bar. the man sits down and orders a drink while his monkey climbs around picking up various items, smelling them, and then eating them. no one minds until the bartender sees the monkey pick up a pool ball and swallow it whole. the bartender turns to the owner of the monkey and says "did you see that?! your monkey just swallowed one of my pool balls whole!"
the owner replies "yeah, he's eaten some pretty weird stuff before. just add it to my bill; i'll pay for it"
the man comes back with his monkey the next day and orders another drink. this time, to the bartender's utter disgust, the monkey picked up an olive out of a martini and stuck it up its butt, pulled it out, and stuffed it in its mouth and swallowed. the bartender turned to the owner and said "DID YOU SEE THAT!?!? ... youre monkey just stuck an olive up its butt, and then ate it!!"
the owner calmly replied, "yeah.. ever since he ate that damned pool ball, he measures everything first."
the owner calmly replied, "yeah.. ever since he ate that damned pool ball, he measures everything first."
It's been 5 mins, and I'm still laughing.
LOL!!! oh man these are priceless to the MAX!!!
I wish i had some more right now!!!
Oh well. Back to my digital world.
~Squeek
Ps - no comments on mine? that took forever to type.
tree flipping the bird [:)]
http://www.coasttocoastam.com/gen/page187.html
Q: What language do cows speak?
A: Anguish
your jokes were so bad I decided I had better give you a good one.
Tiger Woods was driving through Ireland in his new BMW, when he had to stop at a Gas station, while he was getting out, two tees fell from his pocket, the irish lad at the station asked, "hey sir whats them for", to which Tiger woods replied: "they're for resting my balls on when I'm driving"...to which the Irish boy said
"Ara, them boys at BMW, sure they think of everything!!!!!!"
Me neither! Anyone out there, do your thing, I need a laugh