One more chuckle for '02

[cainam_nazier]

Now that was funny.

I often find jokes loose something when they need to be explained.


David Rogalski
cainam_nazier@hotmail.com
I am he who walks in the light but is masked by the shadows.
David127385.freestoreclub.com

[Tom]

This is funny. The only foreign words I didn't understand were "Carlsberg Export" and my guess is that this is a type of beer. Also, are tires really spelled tyres? I know someone who would want to know.

[Frank]

Correct on both counts, Tom.

Calsberg Export is a Danish beer and tyre is the correct spelling. Well for English people that is. Tire, to us, is a verb meaning to grow weary or to grow bored, that kind of thing.

Yours,
Frank

[PeacefulWarrior]

Here's some late "nite" humor, American style!  http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/images/icon_Smile.gif" border=0>

Leno
# (Opening of show) I feel like I know these people. Our whole audience tonight is all clones.
# There were so many people throwing up in Los Angeles last night, the city was reclassified as a Carnival Cruise Ship. That's how bad it is.
# I guess you know Diana Ross has a new man in her life, Jack Daniels.
# Do you know New Year's Eve is the second most popular day for couples to get engaged? The most popular day of course is the day the guy finds out she's pregnant.
# Of course New Years is a great day for sports on T.V. How many guys kicked back and opened a six-pack and watched the "Brian Boitano Skating Spectacular Special" on NBC? Wasn't that unbelievable? Man I tell you I was a guy in heaven this afternoon.
# This week the White House lowered their estimate about how much a war with Iraq would cost. They lowered the estimate. That shows you how smart Bush really is. You wait 'til after Christmas to find the bargains.
# Former NFL Coach Bill Parcells has agreed to coach the last place Dallas Cowboys. They finished 5-11 three years in a row and now Parcells is coming our of retirement to be their coach. That goes to show you, never make a big decision on New Year's Eve. "I did what, what'd I say?"
# McDonald's announced its plans to change its hamburger recipe in the hopes the new taste will help jumpstart sales. In fact the rumor is they plan to make the new burger taste like ground beef.

Letterman
# (rerun) It's been cold and nasty here in New York. This is how cold it's been – today I was walking to work and I saw a guy with a hammer trying to get a poodle off a fire hydrant.
# It's so cold in Washington that Trent Lott put his other foot in his mouth.
# It's so cold up in Chappaqua that the Clintons got into the same bed.

Conan
# It's the first day of the New Year! It's the day you're supposed to make your resolutions. This is a true story. In the paper Anna Nicole Smith said that her resolution was to lose weight. My New Year's resolution is for her to lose weight too.

Kilborn
# (rerun) Today I saw Anna Nicole Smith with a sign that said, "Will eat this sign for food."
# New papers show that John F. Kennedy was taking as many as eight different medications at one time. In fact he was so wasted that his code name was "Ted Kennedy."
# On this day in 1863 President Lincoln gave his famous Gettysburg Address. But did you know he was really just opening up for Aerosmith?

Friday December 31

Letterman
# (rerun) Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are engaged to be married. I have six months in the office pool.
# In showbiz news, Steve Martin has been picked to host the 75th Academy Awards this spring. I hosted the event in 1995. They don't really select a person to host, they have a host rotation. It works like this. It goes like with the rotating basis, Billy Crystal, Billy, Billy, Whoppi, me, Whoppi, Bill, Bill, Whoppi, Steve, Billy, Steve...

Conan
# Happy New Year! Tonight in New York as part of annual tradition they dropped a giant ball in Time Square. In L.A. as part of tradition Anna Nicole Smith fell off a couch.
# The Vatican has announced that they will soon be releasing a book of poems that Pope John Paull II has written. Catholics may not like the poems because the first one starts off with the words, "There once was a Pope from Nantucket."
# Yesterday Diana Ross was arrested for drunk driving. When asked about it she said, "You would drink too if you looked like Michael Jackson."

Kilborn
# (rerun) The big story today is rapper Bobby Brown being pulled over in Atlanta for speeding and marijuana was found in his car. You can learn more about Bobby Brown on VH-1's "Before They Were Punchlines."

Monday Night December 30

Leno
# Very tricky back East. It's like a nightmare. In fact, airports are so icy a drunken Delta pilot accidentally skidded back onto the runway.

# I want to congratulate the Washington State Cougars, who are playing in the Rose Bowl Wednesday. I've got the whole team here tonight in the audience. Thank God, last week we had the Oklahoma Sooners here and I had to talk sooooooo slowly.

# Washington State is located in beautiful Pullman, Washington. You ever been there, Kev? If you've never been to Pullman, it's kinda like Barstow, but with fog. Beautiful, beautiful trailers.

# They say this first cloned human baby is a girl named Eve. They say she has blonde hair and three beautiful blue eyes.

# They say the mother is now living in Florida. Forget the moral implications of cloning for a minute. Just the fact they're going to clone another Florida voter, right there, that makes it wrong.

# USC is down in Florida right now preparing for the Orange Bowl. You know who paid a surprise visit to them over the weekend? O.J. Simpson. How creepy is that? He gave the team a pep talk. He said, "Go out there and kill them – but don't get caught."

# In fact, today Robert Blake stopped by USC's practice to talk about the shotgun offense.

# Today the Cincinnati Bengals fired their head coach, willy Lebeau. They fired him. Here's my question – what took so long? 2-14, isn't that what they are? Even the coach was shocked. He said, "I should have been fired like six months ago."

# The Bengals won two games all season. You know who should get fired? The two coaches who lost to the Bengals.

# According to a new Gallup poll, President Bush is the most-admired man in America. He received the highest number of votes, 28 percent. President Bush was very excited – this is the first time he got the most votes.

# The FBI is now looking for five men of Arab descent illegally in the country. I just hope they don't get their hands on any sombreros – we'll never find these guys.

# Here's some happy news – a woman just graduated from the University of Southern Florida at the age of 76. It took her 57 years to finish college. You know what you call people who take 57 years to finish college? Linemen!

# Seventy-six years old and a college graduate. Guys, that's one "Girls Gone Wild" video you don't want to see.

# Over the weekend, Donald Trump's son, 24-year-old Donald Trump Jr. – what are the odds he'd name his son after himself? – had to get 24 stitches in his head after he was hit in the head with a beer stein at a comedy club. If he used a half a can of hairspray like his old man, that thing would have bounced right off.

Letterman
# (rerun) Earlier tonight on CBS they had the Victoria's Secret underwear show. It was a slam-dunk for CBS really. The only other thing on was "The West Wing." Tonight President Bartlett appointed a new secretary of transportation.

# Michael Jackson is back in the news. He was in Germany and went out on a balcony and held his kid over the balcony to show him to the crowd. They think this just might be the kind of thing that gives Michael the reputation of an oddball.

# The other day President Clinton was in Manhattan and he had his limousine driver pull over and he ran up to a building and asked to use the restroom. One day you're the leader of the free world – the next you're getting told "no" to using the restroom by the doorman.

# Later that day Clinton pulled up next to a parked couple in their car and he asked the guy if he could use his wife.

Conan
# (rerun) It's a big football weekend! (applause) The other day the NFL kicked off their season with a big rock concert in Times Square. It was huge. It woke up all the former XFL players that were sleeping in Times Square.
# Eighty-nine percent of Americans say that they are satisfied with their jobs. Not surprisingly, the other 11 percent work for the Mets.

Kilborn
# (rerun) Happy Halloween, everybody! Michael Jackson ran out of candy at his house so he started handing out noses.

# Anna Nicole Smith likes this time of the year. She combines Halloween with Thanksgiving so she has an excuse to bob for turkeys.

Friday Night December 27

Leno
# (Opening of show) Welcome, fellow clones!

# That's the big story. This 31-year-old American woman claims to have given birth to the first cloned human baby. At least that's what she told her husband, who had a vasectomy.

# The company that did the cloning is called "Clonaid." What is that? A Willie Nelson benefit?

# According to latest surveys, most retailers had the worst Christmas sales in over 30 years. In fact, at Wal-Mart they were so desperate to get people in the store, if you didn't have a kid, they'd give you one to beat in the aisle.

# Here's something I don't understand about the shopping season. Every store you go to, they're advertising "How to buy a gift for the man who has everything." Why do we even care about this guy? He has everything! Why are we buying gifts for him? We should be going over to his house: "Give us some of your stuff."

# Over the past holiday weekend, police made hundreds of DUI arrests and that was just pilots at the airport.

# Yesterday, another pilot was caught getting on the plane drunk. The guy failed the breathalyzer test. This time it was Delta. Never trust an airline named after a fraternity!

# You know why he was so drunk? It turns out he had stock in United.

# How about this West Virginia building contractor, the winner of the $315 million dollar Powerball Lottery. Imagine that – a building contractor. Now he's got $315 million bucks. Do you know who I feel sorry for? The poor homeowner waiting for this guy to finish his family room.

# What can you buy in West Virginia for $315 million dollars? OK, besides West Virginia?

# Weapons inspectors were kicked out of North Korea. And today Saddam Hussein said, "You can do that?"

# Speaking of Saddam Hussein, the other day Iraq shot down one of our unmanned drone spy planes. I was really shocked when I first heard about this. When they shot down one of our robot drones I thought, "Oh my God, they've gotten Al Gore."

# "Friends" is coming back for a tenth season. Coming back to NBC, which stands for "Nice Big Check."

Letterman
# Happy holidays! Here's a reminder from the New York sanitation department. Every year they have to remind you. You know you just can't leave your Christmas tree in the house all year long or you'll get raccoons and stuff. Well, so everyone puts it on the curb to be picked up by the sanitation department. But first make sure you take the ornaments off – and then put it on the curb right by last year's tree.

# I love the after-Christmas sales. Today I got a good price on a DVD boxed set of Trent Lott apologies.

# Alcohol is no longer allowed at Times Square on New Year's Eve. Well, that's not a bad idea, you don't want a million people together drinking. So the mayor just wants to remind everyone that if you're going to drink on New Year's Eve make sure you do so at home before attending the celebration at Times Square.

# Everyone is getting excited about the celebration. Earlier today workers were busy assembling willy Clark.

Thursday Night December 26

Leno
# How many of you already put the crappy gifts you got for Christmas up on eBay?

# My Christmas wasn't so hot, Kev. Yesterday, I think Santa was mad at me. He put something in my stocking more worthless than coal: Lakers tickets.

# Wal-Mart Stores all around the country pulled the new "Midge" doll off the shelves. Do you know who Midge is? Midge is Barbie's best friend. They pulled the doll off the shelves right before Christmas because Midge is pregnant. I don't know who the father is, but I think we can pretty much rule out Ken.

# On Christmas Eve at Camp David, the Bush family dined on a dinner of tamales and enchiladas. See, that's when you know the economy is bad – when, at Christmas time, the president of the United States has to go to Taco Bell.

# We've got a big Rose Bowl audience in from Oklahoma. You can always tell the out-of-towners. They're the only ones in L.A. who speak English.

# A lot of big guys here. Only thing that frightens you guys: the possibility of being drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals.

# The nickname is the Sooners. Don't confuse that with Whitney Houston's favorite team – the Spooners.

# According to a scientist in the latest issue of "National Geographic Magazine," all human beings alive today are descendants of a single man who lived in Africa 60,000 years ago. More bad news for Trent Lott.

# Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced he will be seeking more military base closings next year. The good news – most are in Iraq.

# A Los Angeles company is making fake ATM receipts for men who want to impress their dates by fooling them into thinking they have a lot of money in their bank accounts. So you drop it in her car and she looks. This is kind of like a man's version of getting breast implants. This is how we cheat.

# According to British tabloids, Jennifer Lopez may put her Valentine's Day wedding to Ben Affleck on hold. It turns out she already has two other weddings scheduled for the same day.

# According to a U.S. scientist, a herpes vaccine is on the horizon. Do you what that means? Another season of "The Bachelor."

# And finally, according to a recent survey, 56 percent of women carry condoms. The other 44 percent are carrying babies.

Monday Night December 23 (all shows are reruns)

Letterman
# New York City is in a fiscal crisis. Money is tight here. This is how bad it is – I was out walking through Central Park on my lunch break and I saw a squirrel marking down its nuts.

# We also have a noise problem here in the city. There's cars and sirens and people screaming bloody murder. Mayor Bloomberg sat down this week and came up with a solution – silencers. That should work.

Conan
# The big story right now is Major League Baseball. If they don't settle the labor dispute, the players will go on strike on August 30. The Mets, however, thought the strike began on April 30.

# A man has been arrested for stalking Anna Nicole Smith. As part of the punishment she has asked that the man be locked up and not released until he's 90.

Kilborn
# Eminem's grandmother is writing a book on the rapper's early home life. The working title of the book is "I'm Eminem's Grandmother and I'm Broke."

Late N

fides quaerens intellectum

[Kodemaster]

Funny!

Jen

[dovelady]

I love this stuff.  Thank you for making my day!
    dovelady

pray for peace.

[Frank]

This is very UK oriented so other nationalities will have to make the best they can of it.

The Ferrari Formula-1 team management fired their entire Pit-Crew yesterday. The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's "Work for the Dole" Scheme, and hire unemployed youths from Merseyside.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper equipment. Whereas, Ferrari's existing Pit Crew, with every technology at their disposal, could only do it in 8 seconds. This was thought to be an excellent - yet bold - move by Ferrari Management: as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would instantly have a significant advantage over every team.

However, during the new crew's first practice session, not only were the Bootle Boys able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds: within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen Carlsberg Export six packs and a gram of coke.

Happy new year everyone!

Yours,
Frank