The Hoover Dam is in my head

[Heather B.]

I just can't stop crying this weekend.  I don't think I've ever cried this much in my entire life.  

I want my fiance back!  If I can't even face Independence Day without him, good Heaven, I don't know how I am supposed to get through my entire life without him.

I know.  I know.  He's still with me.  Just fine and dandy on F3.  But while he's there, I am going to grow old enough to be his mother... then his grandmother.  When I'm 80, I'm still going to be in love with a 25-year-old.  Is it just me, or is that repulsive?

I need him to grow old with me.  I want to see him at 30, at 40, at 50, at 60, at 70, at 80.  I want him to take me as his wife, to be the father of my child, to teach our child to ride his bike, to photograph the school plays, to beam with pride at the graduation, to sacrifice whatever is needed to pay for the best university.  I want him to be the incredible grandfather he would have been.  I want us to travel the world after we retire.  

And once we've accumulated a lifetime of joyful memories... then, and only then, could I accept being his widow.  Not now.  Not yet.  Not before our life together had begun.

I don't care what anyone says... all is not right with the world.  There is no rational, noble, meaningful purpose to any of this.  And no amount of faith or positive thinking will bring me back the precious few and only things that would make my life complete and worthwhile.

I would give anything, anything, anything to be mistaken.

[Kodemaster]

Hello Almost Mrs. Murphy.

Just wanted to say that my prayers are with you. Grief is a very tough thing, if not the toughest thing one can go through. Cry as much as you can and let it all out. Sometimes you just need to.

Best,

Jeni

[greatoutdoors]

Almost Mrs. Murphy,

I am of two minds about posting this. A part of me says I should be trying to encourage you with sympathetic words. Another part of me says "What words? There is nothing that will make this better." You do have my deep sympathy.

I can tell you it would be no easier if you had been married fifty years. I met a lady last week who lost her husband two months ago after 25 years of marriage. She was very collected and calm, but her whole demeanor shouted "I'm lost, where's the rest of me?" Nope, it wouldn't be any easier.

Eventually the tears will stop, it's just your body's way of trying to cope. I've heard people say that crying makes you feel better. I have not found that to be true. I can say that, over time, you will be more able to live with the grief--you just find a place to put it.

I can give a word of partial reassurance. If it's true that there is more than this physical existence, then it won't matter that in this life your fiance left at one age and you at another. Your energies, your souls, will be ageless and you will see each other again. If the astral is real, that should also hold true.

Frankly, I'd say those are really large "if's." But this is not the place to discuss my philosophy and perhaps it's something for you to hold onto.

When you can (and don't worry about when people say you "should") look at other parts of your life and see what you still have that is valuable. Treasure that, and remember him.

[Heather B.]

Thanks for your posts, everyone.  And thanks to those who have PMed.

I just needed to vent, you know.  

I don't believe it is pure dumb luck that I came across this Web forum at this exact point in my life.  I consider it one of many little messages of hope from the Heavens.  A little nudge in a certain direction perhaps.  Certainly, no harm can come from it.

Three straight days of doing nothing but sleeping and crying actually did have rather potent curative properties.  Not just crying, I should say---yesterday, I had an all-out, unapologetic, one-sided screaming match with God.  Now THAT helped.  And far from being offended, I think He admires my spirit.  And I KNOW my fiance does--he's the kind of man who wouldn't want me taking s**t from anyone, even God.

In any case, thanks for listening, guys.  And for your thoughts and prayers.  Just those simple things help more than I can say.

[Froglet]

hello,

Almost Mrs. Murphy, I'm not good with words.  But I send my love and I'll pray as well.

[Kazbadan]

Murphy, i know your problem from other posts in other threads. It may sound stupid but i feel almost crying in this moment for seeing your pain.

Cry the much as you can. I really would love to give you happyness, but i cant.

And yes, this world doenst seem to be correct. This is hell, and we need to learn how to live on it.

Sometimes i think that god, if he exists, it is making fun of us....but there is no god.

I hope that you may find love again. Hope you can make you hearth be filled with light and love.

[Heather B.]

Oh dear, I didn't want to make anyone unhappy!

Instead, let me give you all a good message: appreciate the ones you love, never take them for granted, and never assume that they will be with you a minute or hour or day from now.  Make sure they know how much you love them.  Spend as much time with them as you can, or at least talk or write to them as much as you can.  Don't fight over unimportant things.  There's only one thing really important, and that's love!

OH, what I wouldn't give to be able to tell the 26-year-old me all the things I know now, to share the wisdom I've gained at such an unfathomably high price. *sigh*  Even if it didn't change the fact that he died, it would make our short time together much more happy and complete.

Hm... maybe I could make it my life's work to explore time-travel.  Or, more realistically, just to help other people not make my mistakes. *sigh*

[Kazbadan]

Spirituality its not about exploring AP, but about opening ourselves to others. If i was in your place i would choose real spirituality: forget AP and open your hearth to the ones you love.


You know, last years i tried to learn AP but i realised that i do little efforts to reach that, and i know why...because much of the time i spend (that could be spent on AP) it sbeing used to change myself for better and try to develop some love (something that it seems be missing on me).

AP and that stuff its very nice, but i see that more as an hobbie or a funny thing to do. I bet that Buddha was able to project, but he didnt teach that to anyone, whe? Because thats useless when compared with his message. I bet the same for Jesus and some other great masters.

My dear, my problem its not the same as you...not compared to your loss, but i think that i will never see someone that i really like. oh...!! thats so bad! We live far away from each other and due to my job i will never see her again. If thats horrible, i cant imagine your situation.

Next time i get in love with someone, i will not take too long to say what i feel. I am always with fear of acting and saying what goes on my mind. Stupid am i...

I am going out for a walk now. Need to relax. Since the begining of this week that i have been only in very stressful situations.

[NeoSaturn]

What about Reaching the dead By Astral Projection?

[Kazbadan]

bad idea i think

i think that Ms Murphy in  a later stage f her suffering would do well in searching for other soulmate. Ok, now its good to cry and think about him, and maybe AP and search for him, but later she should stop. Maybe it will take 1 year or less, maybe 2 almost years (not more i hope) but she must find someone later.

[NeoSaturn]

ok ya

[Kazbadan]

dont be offended! i was just saying my opinion, but your still being good but since i see so much suffering on her, i thought that it would be better to not do that.

For example, if i could AP maybe i would visit my granfather because i dont feal suffering for his death (i suffered for 1-2 months and it was an expected and natural death for someone old...not like Murphy..).

[Heather B.]

I understand your point of view, Kazbadan, and know you're offering the best advice you can.  Unfortunately, there is no way to know what is "best" for any one widow or widower.  Some widow/ers need or desire to find new spouses or lovers, and some don't.  Some finish their grief in a few months, and others take 3 or more years.  No two people have the same experience.

AP does not constitute my entire spirituality.  I have a very rich spirituality combined with Catholicism.  However, I have found that AP has given me a very direct, vivid ongoing connection with my fiance.  I started having AP encounters with him during the very first days after his passing, and they've continued from time to time during the last two months.  

I didn't realize at the beginning that they were AP experiences.  I thought they were some kind of "visitation dreams," but a friend of mine felt that there was a lot more to them.  After lots of discussion, we reached the conclusion that they weren't dreams, and they also weren't OBEs.  We both started researching (we're both librarians), and when I came across this site and started reading about phasing, my experiences made a whole lot more sense.

I can't say I'm 100% sure, but I think that phasing to F3 may be a very feasible and effective way to maintain our relationships with our deceased loved ones, and getting guidance from them.  I consider it very worth studying up on.

And while I also can't be 100% sure what is going to happen to me in the future, right now I seriously doubt that I will ever feel the need or desire to find a "successor" for my fiance.  I simply don't think any man could come close.  My Mr. Murphy would be an incredibly tough act to follow!  I think that spending time with him in my sleep would make me much happier than spending my waking life with someone else.

But... who knows... this is one of those situations where all you can really say is "We'll just have to wait and see."

Thanks for your input, though.  

[Kazbadan]

It was just an idea. I am glade to see you with an optimistic view. Thats the most important thing.

I just want you to be happy