thread on uplifting "jokes" funnny stories and suc

[AuraMassageArt]

I'd like to start a thread on uplifting "jokes" funny stories and such here that we all could share. I will start with one.

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There are philosophical sayings out there about laughter regarding God, and angels. Anybody know of any to share?

I have one I will start with, I remember clearly. It happened to me and I had a one panel cartoon drawn about it.
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A friend who happens to have an angel hovering invisibly near his shoulder walks up to another friend. Without realizing why he says to his friend,
[/b] "I'm an angel sent by God to give you three and a half messages, and the first three are irrelevant."
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When my friend told me this I couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes. I found it so absolutely hilarious at the time.
If you don't get it try again. Think about what it actually means. It's a total hoot. I'd rather not explain it. You have to get your own answers.

Well, that's my joke/ true story.
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What are yours?

[Archnea]

Funny joke  Here is a link to something I found amusing today.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php

Edit in 10-24-04

One I came across today:
http://www.rio.com.br/animation/iconstory.htm

[AuraMassageArt]

Archnea,
I was wondering about your invisibility experience. I saw you posted your experience on another thread.
I was wondering, do you know of any good books or Internet info on this topic? Invisibility.
Thanks.

[Archnea]

Archnea,
I was wondering about your invisibility experience. I saw you posted your experience on another thread.
I was wondering, do you know of any good books or Internet info on this topic? Invisibility.
Thanks.

It has been 16 years since I read anything about it and invisibility wasn't what I was studying at the time. I was reading books about the Celts and stumbled across things about invisibility. I wish I could remember the titles.

[kmD]

A buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "make me one with everything"...

buh-dum-dum!

[Rastus]

A women is depserate for Money.  She lives in a rundown trailer, has several children and no husband.  She says "Please God, let me win the Lottery.  Not all of it, maybe juat a little bit?".  Weeks go bay and nothing.  Again she prays "God, please help me, we need juat a little bit of money, help me win the lottery???".  Again, weeks go by.  Finally she prays "  God, why won't you let me win the lottery, is that so much to ask!!!!!!" and breaks down in tears.

Finally she hears a voice "Buy a ticket!"

[paker7]

An article from a German newspaper:

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the catflap," Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany.

"I suppose that's the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realised that."

Burpus (41), a gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys.

"I got my head and shoulders through the flap but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing, I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory.

"I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks.

Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there.

"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'Very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me."

In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. The rescue services came and cut me out, but the police arrested me as soon as I was free. Luckily, they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 (US$2,000) in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

[AuraMassageArt]

I appreciate all your jokes as we all do.

Thanks for your feedback.

Let's try to keep it spiritually based (whatever that means).  

[AuraMassageArt]

There was a little boy batting in a baseball game.
The first ball was thrown and they announced, "Strike 1".
The second ball was thrown and they announced "Strike 2".
He even struck out on the third ball but, the kid was not phased.
He said, "Guess I will make a great pitcher".

[paker7]

Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He stepped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.

The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

------------------------------

Four monks decided to meditate silently without speaking for two weeks. By nightfall on the first day,the candle began to flicker and then went out. The first monk said, "Oh, no! The candle is out."

The second monk said, "Aren't we not supposed to talk?"

The third monk said, "Why must you two break the silence?"

The fourth monk laughed and said, "Ha! I'm the only one who didn't speak."

------------------------------

A buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "make me one with everything"...

QUESTION: What did the Buddhist say when the hot dog vendor asked him if he had change?
ANSWER: Change must come from within.

[Archnea]

This one is a true story:

My mom was going to Silva Mind control sessions. She would spend part of her evenings meditating in her dark room. My older sister who was 12 knocked on her bedroom door and asked, "Mom how do you menstruate in the dark?"

[AuraMassageArt]

Ha-Ha. That's funny.
Menstruate instead of Meditate.
Ha-ha-ah.
Thanks, Archnea
AuraMassageArt

[AuraMassageArt]

I've another joke/funny philosophical insight to share.
Where shall I start?
What can I think of?

Imagine animals painting their feelings as in the book, "Why Cats Paint"
Heather Busch and Burton Silver
http://www.freddie-street.com/guide/wcpaint.shtml
& also
http://www.monpa.com/

Published by Weidenfeld and Nicolson


Just a thought but, a funny one.

[Frank]

I always liked this one:

[Frank]

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and is rushed to hospital. On the operating table she had a near-death experience, saw God and asks him nervously, "So this is it?" God laughed and said, "Heavens no my child, you have another 30 to 40 years of life left to live!" Hearing this she decides to stay in hospital having a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, and even had someone come in and change her hair: figuring that since she had another 30 or 40 years she may as well make the most of it. Anyhow, she had her last operation, left the hospital, and crossing the road outside is run over and killed by an ambulance speeding to that very same hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks angrily, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replies, "Err, sorry I didn't recognise you."

[AuraMassageArt]

Thank you for your funnies.

[clandestino]

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion
and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you
are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done."


Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[AuraMassageArt]

clandestino
Ha-ha-ha-ha  
 ah-ha-ha-ha
ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- ha-aha-aah-ha-ahh  
I appreciate your humor.  
Thanks again.

[AuraMassageArt]

An added dimension to glass half empty or half full.

"It depends on whether I am filling it or drinking it."

[Chimerae]

Reappeared by courtesy of Amir.  Deep gratitude to you.

XXIX (SECOND PART)

Silent friend of many distances, feel
how your breath enlarges space.  From the dark
Rafters of the belfry let the peal
Of yourself ring out, each bat becomes a lark,
Singing its exuberance to the harrier.
Be easeful as your morph from shape to shape.
What changed you from a shadow to a warrior?
If the grain tastes bitter, make yourself the grape.
In this tumultuous night flicker as the flame
Of magic at the crossroads where every sense
Meets every other.  Live their confluence.
Don't worry if the night forgets your name.
Affirm to the quiet earth:  I flow.
Play to the crowded water, pianissimo.

You may read German better than I, so here it is in the original,

XXIX (ZWEITER TEIL)

Stiller Freund der vielen Fernen, fühle
wie dein Atem noch den Raum vermehrt.
Im Gebalk der finstern Glockenstühle
laß dich läuten. Das, was an dir zehrt,

wird ein Starkes über dieser Nahrung.
Geh in der Verwandlung aus und ein.
Was ist deine leidenste Erfahrung?
Ist dir Trinken bitter, werde Wein.

Sei in dieser Nacht aus Übermaß
Zauberkraft am Kreuzweg deiner Sinne,
ihrer seltsamen Begegnung Sinn.

Und wenn dich das Irdische vergaß,
zu der stillen Erde sag: Ich rinne.
Zu dem raschen Wasser sprich: Ich bin

 Rainer Maria Rilke

[Chimerae]

An added dimension to glass half empty or half full.

"It depends on whether I am filling it or drinking it."

Or floating, balanced between specific gravites, enjoying delight of the surface tension?

[AuraMassageArt]

Chimerae,
Way cool comeback.
I'll pass it on to my friend who said it.
Thanks
Lee

[Chimerae]

"Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef"    

Tom Robbins quotes (American novelist. b.1936)

[AuraMassageArt]

The majority of those healed in Lourdes, France are not praying for themselves but, for others.

[You]

This seems to be moving away from jokes... how are German poems and people praying for others getting healed funny?