About time for more jokes, me thinks

[Helmut]

Hi Frank, doing some diversionary tactics to confuse the people from the government? (See topic: US government and military visit this site!)  You are hiding behind a clown mask. No easy way out Frank. The sheer mass of your posts backfires on you now. Maybe if you keep posting jokes on a dayly basis, you can convince them that you are untalented.
eyB
tumleH

[James S]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today.  You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do.  "Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through? With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Enjoy.
James.

[Nay]

I love a good laugh!  some funny stuff []

I just pat him on the head and call him precious!!!! Now, that's funny!

I didn't understand your joke Helmut aka, tumleH..inside joke?

Nay. []

[Frank]

quote:Originally posted by Helmut

Hi Frank, doing some diversionary tactics to confuse the people from the government? (See topic: US government and military visit this site!)  You are hiding behind a clown mask. No easy way out Frank. The sheer mass of your posts backfires on you now. Maybe if you keep posting jokes on a dayly basis, you can convince them that you are untalented.
eyB
tumleH

ROFL!!!!

Yours,
Frank

[Frank]

James, LOL, good joke. And your post to the other thread had me in stiches too.

Okay, last one from me for tonight:

A redneck family from the hills were visiting the city and went inside a big shopping mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's that?" The father (never having seen an elevator before) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an overweight old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...."

[Squeek]

My Turn!!! Whee.

A Little boy once asked his mother, "Mommy, is God Male or Female?"

"God is both" the mother replies.

The Little Boy then asks, "Is God Black or White?"

"God is both" the mother repeats.

The boy thinks for a second, then says, "Is Michael Jackson God?"


~Squeek

[Frank]

Nice one Squeek.

Okay, so after the events of tonight, well I'm still shaking. So what more can I offer but one of my all-time favourites (after all my time is limited):

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes totally quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. "What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 lb and he's a blond weight lifter," he continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 lb and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[no_leaf_clover]

all of these are good [] i wish i could remember jokes.. my memory only works when it feels like it.

there are two redneck buddies driving down the road in their beat up pick-up truck, both with open bottles of beer, drinking. suddenly, a cop pulls out behind them and turns its siren on.

the redneck driving turns to his buddy and says "quick! take 'em labels off yer beer an' put 'em on yer forehead, 'n put de beer under duh seat!!"

the second redneck, confused, asks "what fer?"

"jus do whut i tell yuh"

they pull over, and the cop gets out and walks up to their truck.

the cop looks into the truck, and a whiff of alcohol hits his nostrils. he sees the alcohol labels on the the boys' foreheads, and asks, confused, "you boys been drinkin?"

"no, sir. yuh see, we're on the patch."

[James S]

Blondes & rednecks hey? I've done a blonde joke so...

A hospital emergency operator receives a call from a redneck hunter's cell phone-
Hunter:"Uh, yeah maam, Uh, Zeek here and me been huntin in these here woods, and uh, Zeek fell down a cliff and uh, I think he's dayd."
Operator: Er, you think he's dead?"
Hunter: "Yeah thassright, dayd!"
Operator: "Ok, well before we do anything we need to be sure he is dead."
A few seconds go by then the operator hears a loud BANG over the phone.
Hunter: "Ok that's done, now what?"

James.

[Frank]

Two southern girls were sitting on their front porch one evening.

One girl had just arrived back from New York and she was telling
her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city.

In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know, they have women up
there who have sex with other women."

In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my! What do they call
them?"

"They call them lesbians. "And there's men who have sex with other
men," says the woman. "They call them homosexuals."

Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, "And, they have these men up there that will put their face in a woman's privates and kiss all around...

"Do tell! "gasps her friend, "What do they call them?"

"Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him Precious."


Okay, I'm not into drugs but couldn't resist a chuckle at this one:


A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"

"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly.

"Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"


And this is an old one but still cracks me up:


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep excrement."