something to try

[Chaos Mage]

tonight, i am going to try and absorb as much cosmic awareness as i possibly can
i've tried different things and had an AP
one night i tried banishing, then other times, different types of banishing
one thing that is missing is the integration of the full experience
it is like time has to stop, the consciousness has to stop entirely
so for that to happen, i figure that more conscious density will do the trick
when i'm going to sleep, i'm going to lay there and absorb energy
any energy
so that even vampiric links or wraiths or phantasms will be absorbed
i think that's part of my condition, that, in fact, i'm drained of energy all the time because i never feed on any mental energies
so i think that i will have an altered state of existence from here on out
now that i know that i can feed, and that it's just a matter of increasing the density, i should be ok
when you absorb energy, you can notice the effects almost immediately
whether or not the chakra system comes into play and effect, has yet to be seen
i'd like for it to be more whole than seven distinct chakra, but seeing the chakra in action is something i haven't had happen for a long time
if i can absorb enough cosmic energy, then it's very likely that i can achieve my three year running dream of regenerating my genitals plus sprouting enormous breasts
i'm going to go easy at this, i don't want to screw myself up
i just know, that one time that i was trying to take back all my own coded energy, some kind of abyss blew open directly in front of me, like a rift from science fiction
so if I do that again, i can prolly get up enough energy that i rip away on the astral for a vacation
this is cool, i feel good about this
even though there are things that I personally don't want to experience, AP is a solution that doesn't fail once you master it

[Chaos Mage]

By tonight, I've come to the conclusion that I have to 'close my chakra'... completely.
I tried absorbing energy from my environment, and it resulted in a deeper, darker dream state.  Seems like it shifted my dream state from a flickering fireball just before awakening to this reality scheme, to, a dark, cavernous open space somewhere in the deep ocean of space.

Fear is holding me back greatly.  With the knowledge and experiences that I have, and the things that I've done as a child, AP should be the easiest thing in the world!  With the phantasy constantly wanting to be used, I've discovered that the phantasy realm is a place of learning and self development.  That dream state though, it's like there's a break in my consciousness, and, I don't think that it's caused in any way by phantasy itself.  It seems like I zone out, then gradually zone back in.  Astral parasite hijacking my dream state? 

If anything, I'm more determined, for now, the thing I'm trying is a complete closing.  Got to get my independant mind and creativity back, or this life is worthless.