I stabbed my mother in the eye and killed her.

[heter]

Ok let me give you some info.

I am 15 and I beleive I am introverted and have body dysmorphic disorder.

My mother does not live with me, and chose her boyfriend over her family and is now living in turkey with him. She's been with him since I was about 10, and she alkways acted like she cared. She use to send money and visit rarely, but everyone new what she was doing is wrong.

My father, who I look almost exactly like, dyed when I was 11 or 12. I don't remember much about him because I was to young to make judgements on peoples personality. But I always remember feeling loved by him.

Here are some pictures of me and my family.
I am on the right side, and my mother is opposite of me. The one in the middle is my sister, and to my right my grandmother whom I hate.



THis picture is from about June.

Here is a more recent picture. I look like this, except about 35lbs heavier and alot more hair, mainly because I don't leave the house anymore.



The night this dream occured I had what I beleive was my first true taste of insanity. I looked myself in the mirror and could'nt beleive the horror I had become. I layed down and tryed to control myself by clearing my head. I was really going insane, you know where you mumble a whole bunch of words and move randomly. I kept repeating, "I want to die". I then slowly managed to regain control by clearing my thoughts. I reassured myself that I would lose weight and that everything would be fine. As I did that, I was having thoughts of sanity and insanity at the same time. It was fluctuating. I seriously considered suicide at one point, and new I had to control my thoughts. I began to meditate and fell half asleep. I woke up feeling sick, and remembered the white light. I bathed myself in it trying to heal my physical and mental pain. I feel asleep once again and had amazingly vivid dreams. The first of which I beleive I had moved to someones house, and I was trying to lose weight nake dor something. Another dream was about some kid whose mom was paralyzed in a wheel chair from a plane accident. It was really depressing.

The one dream that got to me was very real. at the time it seemed like a near perfect to life experience. In the dream I was in an old apartment that my mom was living in. She came home from dropping someone off from a dream that came before that, and was telling me how pathetic I was or something for not coming out of the house. I'm not sure how, but she ended up telling me that I am a starseed. She gave me the link to a site, godlikeproductions.com. For those of you who don't know what a starseed is, check this link out.

http://www.nibiruancouncil.com/html/starseeds.html

Anyway, after she told me that, I began going a little insane in the dream , I beleive it was partly because she acted like she didn't care. I asked her how I was born, and she told me I was born quicker than normal. She showed me a brochure on human life, and how to fit in. It contained basic information such as history and important figures and it seemed to have a large list of about 1-100.  61-70 being about basic history. After that she told me, why do you think you look so strange and walk so weird? I looked at myselfg in the mirror and saw the freak that I was, or seem to beleive I am. After that I remember going to the site in the dream and looking up the specific star seed she was talking about. I can't remember the name. After that I went to the kitchen to question her more, I remember asking if I'm strong and she said something like "You have no idea." I then asked why she didn't tell me, and she's like, "Because I enjoyed watching you suffer." At this point I was going insane and did not want to beleive what she said. I grabbed 2 knives and said "I'll kill you!" She laughed and grabbed a knife and swung at me with it. I blocked it with my left kife and tryed to stab her but she dodged it. She moved in for an atack and managed to slice at my leg causing a large wound. At that point we had moved out of the kitchen and into the hall way. I then dodged another attack and had stabbed her with the knife in her eye/head about 6\7 the way in. She collapsed to the floor with her back against the wall. I looked at her, not feeling much sadness, but wondering waht to do with the body. I then asked her, "Do you love me?" and she begun to open her mouth and said nothing before dying. I couldn't beleive it was happening, I had to get out, I thought "Is this a dream?" and "No way, it's too real" I then found myself back in my bed sweating.

Right now I have a sore throat and a mild head ache. I'm much saner now, and am not having thoughts of suicide. I just have to better myself, nor I know this will happen again, and I don't know how much longer I can control myself when things like this occur.
So any thoughts on what these dreams could of ment?

[CaCoDeMoN]

The night this dream occured I had what I beleive was my first true taste of insanity. I looked myself in the mirror and could'nt beleive the horror I had become. I layed down and tryed to control myself by clearing my head. I was really going insane, you know where you mumble a whole bunch of words and move randomly. I kept repeating, "I want to die". I then slowly managed to regain control by clearing my thoughts.

I think that you should not worry about this. Everything can be under control again, you were able to clear your thoughts, then with some training you will manage to do it every time such problem will happen. I think that Vipassana meditation will help you, and a void meditation too:
http://www.666blacksun.com/Satanic_Void_Meditation.html
(but don't use advanced void meditation - it'll cause problems)

I am 15 and I beleive I am introverted and have body dysmorphic disorder.

Hmmm... I am nearly 100% sure that hypnosis(of course only when you will find a certified hypnotist) would help you. Also removing blockages form all chakras would help. It could be done with chakra meditation like in book "advanced sexual practices" by Sebastian Heller.
http://free2.angeltowns.com/seijuro/Advanced%20Sexual%20Practices.zip
or meditations from:
http://www.666blacksun.com/Power_Meditations.html
You should only avoid "full chakra meditation" from that site - it'll cause problems. This should be best:
http://www.666blacksun.com/OpeningChakras.html

I'm not sure how, but she ended up telling me that I am a starseed.

It is not important if it's true at all, just see it this belief causes harm to you and if it is so, then remove it.

She gave me the link to a site, godlikeproductions.com.

How many people have gone insane from reading posts at this site? Be careful.

If you have any questions or anything - PM me, I can help, because I had similar problems when I was 15-17 years old.

[SylvrFlwr]

Wow.  First of all I want to say, don't take your mom leaving personally.  Now that I am a mother I have to admit that I'm not sure I would do it over again if I had the choice.  But I absolutely LOVE my kids!  It is the strangest thing.  Mothers adore their children, but they often have fantasies of leaving and some actually do.  I'll bet every mother entertains the thought of leaving their family.  I don't know your mother.  But just because she left doesn't mean she doesn't love you.  That said, I am not defending her actions and I hope it doesn't sound that way.

Big hugs to you about your recent weight gain.  I was once 30 lbs over weight and it is hell.  The f'ed up thing is that you remember what it was like to be thin and good looking (I'm 24 and married but don't be offended if I say that in the pic you posted you are cute!).  I also struggled with severe, painful acne that distorted my appearance a lot and that sucked too.  I have also been close to suicide in the past and have known a few people who have tried and failed.  There is also a guy my husband knew who tried it a couple months ago and now has the mentality of a 3 year old.  BTW, the pic of me was taken a few months ago so even though I look a little nuts you can see I've overcome these appearance issues for now.

I have never heard of starseed until now.  You meet the criteria for one, but most people do (I do).  

I think you have crazy vivid dreams that, in this case and perhaps others, you can learn from.  I often feel that a higher power is trying to communicate to me through dreams.

I would focus on your anger.  Try to forgive your mom.  Try to see her as someone who was lost enough to leave people who loved her.  Try to feel sorry for her.  I think she might be lonely too.  If she's been in Turkey for 5 years I doubt she is planning on coming home though.  She probably knows she has burned her bridges anyway.  This boyfriend cannot solve all her problems.  Does she have problems with depression too?  Love and forgiveness are our best resources.

Additionally, my husband had a lot of issues with violent dreams when he was your age.  They scared him a little.  They were crazy weird and then all of a sudden they stopped a couple years later when we got together.  He is not violent at all in real life.  He is actually very gentle, but then he was worried that those violent dreams would some day work their way into real life.  Not saying he doesn't get mad, he has a temper but would never hurt anyone (though he did get in fights as a kid).

What I'm telling you I think you should do is hard.  To really forgive your mom will take months or years.  If it happens more quickly than that it probably hasn't happened.  I would also work on losing weight.  It does feel a lot better and it is a very rewarding to find that discipline inside yourself.

I have to go.  One last question:  Do you have a relationship with your sister?

[heter]

Wow.  First of all I want to say, don't take your mom leaving personally.  Now that I am a mother I have to admit that I'm not sure I would do it over again if I had the choice.  But I absolutely LOVE my kids!  It is the strangest thing.  Mothers adore their children, but they often have fantasies of leaving and some actually do.  I'll bet every mother entertains the thought of leaving their family.  I don't know your mother.  But just because she left doesn't mean she doesn't love you.  That said, I am not defending her actions and I hope it doesn't sound that way.

Big hugs to you about your recent weight gain.  I was once 30 lbs over weight and it is hell.  The f'ed up thing is that you remember what it was like to be thin and good looking (I'm 24 and married but don't be offended if I say that in the pic you posted you are cute!).  I also struggled with severe, painful acne that distorted my appearance a lot and that sucked too.  I have also been close to suicide in the past and have known a few people who have tried and failed.  There is also a guy my husband knew who tried it a couple months ago and now has the mentality of a 3 year old.  BTW, the pic of me was taken a few months ago so even though I look a little nuts you can see I've overcome these appearance issues for now.

I have never heard of starseed until now.  You meet the criteria for one, but most people do (I do).  

I think you have crazy vivid dreams that, in this case and perhaps others, you can learn from.  I often feel that a higher power is trying to communicate to me through dreams.

I would focus on your anger.  Try to forgive your mom.  Try to see her as someone who was lost enough to leave people who loved her.  Try to feel sorry for her.  I think she might be lonely too.  If she's been in Turkey for 5 years I doubt she is planning on coming home though.  She probably knows she has burned her bridges anyway.  This boyfriend cannot solve all her problems.  Does she have problems with depression too?  Love and forgiveness are our best resources.

Additionally, my husband had a lot of issues with violent dreams when he was your age.  They scared him a little.  They were crazy weird and then all of a sudden they stopped a couple years later when we got together.  He is not violent at all in real life.  He is actually very gentle, but then he was worried that those violent dreams would some day work their way into real life.  Not saying he doesn't get mad, he has a temper but would never hurt anyone (though he did get in fights as a kid).

What I'm telling you I think you should do is hard.  To really forgive your mom will take months or years.  If it happens more quickly than that it probably hasn't happened.  I would also work on losing weight.  It does feel a lot better and it is a very rewarding to find that discipline inside yourself.

I have to go.  One last question:  Do you have a relationship with your sister?

Hey,

I feel much better now that I got my situation out into the open. I'm normally in control of all my thoughts and I do agree that I have to forgive my mom. I suppose these things happen to kids. To answer your last question, I do have a pretty decent relationship with my sister and my brother. They don't live with me though.

[CaCoDeMoN]

I feel much better now that I got my situation out into the open. I'm normally in control of all my thoughts and I do agree that I have to forgive my mom. I suppose these things happen to kids. To answer your last question, I do have a pretty decent relationship with my sister and my brother. They don't live with me though.

I think that forgiveness is important but it should not be forced in any way. It'll come with time, and only forgiveness that is real is spontaneous forgiveness...
And if you want to lose weight you must not eat any kind of meat or animal products. In these times they contain too big amount of hormones and even steroids. Even the thing that is sold as "milk" is really harmful and has nearly nothing to do with real milk. I am a vegetarian, and not eating meat does not cause as much problems as it is said by some sciencists.

I would focus on your anger. Try to forgive your mom. Try to see her as someone who was lost enough to leave people who loved her. Try to feel sorry for her. I think she might be lonely too.

For me such "trying" to forgive people caused only more problems, so I think that it is not the right solution.

[SylvrFlwr]

For me such "trying" to forgive people caused only more problems, so I think that it is not the right solution.

I hope you will not always feel this way.  It is not something to be forced.  It is something to grow into.  Maybe some people never do.  I hope you do.