Troubling Dream

[light487]

Last night I actually ended up sleeping for 11 hours.. not sure why but I must have been extra tired. Anyway, during my very brief moments of recalled dream state there was one particular dream that I woke up from because it took me by surprise and scared the **** out of me. Putting into objective words, like writing it out now, makes it seem trivial compared to the fear I actually felt and I have rolled the idea around in my head for the whole day and still it is there.

Basically, I was observing some person in the dream who looked nothing at all like me, so I know it wasn't just a direct representation of myself. Just before I woke up, the person was basically looking at themself in the mirror and repeating, over and over, "Show yourself to me".. it seemed as if he was trying to attract the attention of his God to come and either take him away or to converse with him. I was standing behind the guy, seeing him from behind but also could see his front in the mirror.

Anyway, after a little while of him saying that there was a voice that whispered from right next to me, though I couldn't see where the voice came from because the entity did not show in the mirror and it was just slightly behind and to the right of my perceived location. It was a "sinister" sounding whisper that simply said "It's too late for you."

I am trying to work out if this message was for me, for the guy in the dream or just a irrelevant thing. It seems to be quite relevant because even now as I think about it, I get a physical tingling sensation running down my body. I woke up from the fear yes.. but what does it mean. The best I can think of is that my fear is manifesting itself in the dream. This fear relates to the things I have done and thought over the years making me impure and that now I have done "too many" bad things, it is "too late" for me to find redemption.

I'm not a bad person, I think my posts here show that.. but of course we all have subjective ways we perceive our actions as "sinful" or "bad". I won't go into specifics about those things are as they are personal to me but like I say.. it's the fear that I am some how "too far gone" and that nothing I can do now will allow me to transcend that state of sinfulness. The voice seems to suggest that I may have had a chance to do so at some previous time but now "It's too late for me".

Now, I know this is of course an irrational fear but I need help with this because it is something that is obviously very close to my heart and will be a barrier to prevent me from AP'ing. So I am wondering how I can "label" this fear so I can work on removing the fear. Is it a fear of damnation? Is that the best way to objectively describe it? That's what I am hoping someone here can help me to establish.. a label for the fear, that I can lock on to whenmeditating.. and explore it further before knocking it out.

[light487]

I've just now looked up "Fear of Damnation" but the definitions there all relate to the "Fear of Hell"... but that's not it at all. My fear is really about the fact that I may never be "allowed" to transcend. So after I die, I will be forced to stay in a "nothingness" or "void" state of awareness. Again, I know this is irrational but I am trying to come to grips with it, so I can expel the fear.

EDIT:
I think I just found it...

...it's the "Fear of Not Being Good Enough" (aka. Fear of Imperfection, aka. Atelophobia).

Now I have an angle of attack.

I guess sometimes, I just need to write it all out so I can read it back to myself and work through the problem.

[light487]

While exploring my fear I still have a question that I can't quite answer.

Was it the voice.. the sinister sound of it, the whisper as if from something evil and dark that has caused me fear.. or was it the "It's too late for you" message that was said. As I think about it, it is more the voice that makes me shrink away from the memory.. and I wonder if it was said in a clear, non-threatening, completely benign voice.. whether I would have had the same reaction.

Still not sure how to go about addressing this fear.

[AndrewTheSinger]

How do you go about redeeming yourself? What's the plan? Why it wouldn't be too late?

The voice and the fear are posing you a problem for you to solve.

[Orion-]

I wouldn't worry about it, you're not evil and I don't believe hell exists.

Maybe it's just something he thought, because his god didn't come?

[light487]

It's true.. it could simply be a recalled memory from one of the many X-Files and other paranormal shows and movies.

At the same time, since it has inspired so much thought.. might as well do something with it.. which I have been. I'd like to be able to handle a situation like with less bone tingling fear.