A Lesson Learned?

[Donut]

   I meditated tonight. I wasn't sure why.

   My mind wandered as usual. "No, I'm not interested in what could happen at work tomorrow, show me the breath." I thought to myself. The worries, theories, questions, these images presented themselves, but I felt nothing towards them.

   "I dont want to learn anything. I don't care tonight. Show me the breath."

   Scenes of stairways unfurling into apocryphal libraries unfolded before my eyes.

   "Okay." I thought, unamused, and returned to the breath.

   A dank cavern whose walls were constructed of flesh surrounded me, every surface undulated and beckoned to me "what now?"

   "Then I will make this place my home, and bring my own light."

   And that's when it hit me. Perhaps this is the lesson I have needed to learn. I can't control if my wife loves me. I can't control if the surgical anesthetics fail again. I can't control if my disease flares up, or the pain it will bring. I can't control whether the love I radiate to this world and its people returns to me.

   However I do not need to. "What to do with the pain then? The pain of betrayal, or that of surgery, or even to be shunned?" the void asked without speaking.

   "I won't reflect it onto others, even those who send it to me. Nor will I absorb it as I have." I thought.

   "How then will you handle this?" it requested.

   "I will convert the negative energy into love, and light." I answered. At this moment my entire being vibrated massively, and I could no longer hold my focus.

   I am writing this here in case anyone else is having a hard time with your lessons. You have my love, and understanding.

-Donut