Hello everyone,
Some of you may remember my post asking about using the LoA in attracting a dream job here: http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/welcome_to_quantum_physics/the_loa_in_attracting_a_dream_job-t33487.0.html
Now, what I'm going to write might seem unrelated at first, but it isn't. So, please bear with me till the end. Thank you in advance. :)
So, my story starts with me seeing this job vacancy and applying for it. It's so difficult to find a job nowadays in my country that (especially at my age: 21) getting that job seemed like a "dream" to me at first. Then, I posted the aforementioned post and, as suggested by you very dear AP members, put my imagination into good use and imagined a dream I replayed again and again in my mind every night. Before I go on with the details of my dream, I'm gay and being one is considered like one of the greatest sins in my country. Unlike many gay people in my country, though, I've never regarded sexuality as being more important than emotional attachment towards the one you love. For this reason, and perhaps because I'm not so good-looking, which is what matters most to many people in that community, I just had one gay relationship and it ended because I realized he wasn't really any different than the rest of them with regard to what he was looking for in others. Anyway, my dream before the interview week wasn't actually any different than my lifetime wish, except for a few details that highlighted the "job" aspect more than the "relationship" one: In the dream, I get accepted to the job and I have this middle-aged man who is like my direct supervisor (or more like a guide that trains you until you "learn" the job) and who is very understanding, diligent, caring, dependable, responsible, clever, loved a great deal by his colleagues, but feels lonely inside. As he helps me on my way to becoming the qualified person that does his job right, I get to know him better and finally end up as his closest and best friend. So close that one day when he feels very sick, I take him to his place and attend to him there, preparing him soup, bringing him whatever he wants, telling jokes to make him feel better and whatnot. At the end of the dream, he doesn't let me go home and I get in and stay in the bed the whole night to keep him warm as he sleeps.
That was the dream I played like a movie in my mind repeatedly that I believe was the biggest reason why I got recruited, because there were 4 people before me in the interview list, which meant they had advantage over me because they had higher grades than me in the national exam.
Probably two weeks after I started my work, I noticed this tall, very handsome, middle-aged in the bus taking the personnel to work. He's such a quiet man, most of the time talking only if he's talked to first. He starts intriguing me... One day, I see him walking not very far before me with a colleague and I learn his name there. Not only is it the first time I hear that name because it's very rare, but it is also the most meaningful and beautiful name I have ever heard. I find myself thinking of this man as days go by. "Why does he look so alone?", "Is he married?", "At which department does he work?", "Why is it that he's so silent?" and so on... Then, one day, while waiting in the bus to go home, I find myself wishing for him to sit by me in the bus that day. You guessed it right, he gets on the bus slowly, walks towards me and sits by me. I get excited by his existence and firm stance. I then initiate a conversation that ends with him telling me that he thinks of retiring 6 or 7 months later and me asking if he has any plans after getting retired. His reply is what makes me believe that I should be doing something to make his life... "complete", I think is the word: "No. Maybe I'll get a garden and spend time with it."
Then, I decide to write him a letter from an unknown sender. In the letter, I talk about his fingers, which I could only had a glimpse of at the time but which made think of them 24/7, his hair, which I would always look at from his back on the bus and think of the mountain breeze moving calmly in the air, his perfect personality, which showed itself when he did everything to help me when I asked him about something, his gentle soul, which rested like a brave-yet-tired lion in his body, his heart, which glittered more strongly than billions of pieces of gold and his name, which was equal to the idea of pure good defeating overwhelming evil in the world. I kept sending these letters, because I thought even if he didn't know who was sending them, hearing good things about himself from another person would make him feel good. Meanwhile, they separated our bus. He was now going home in another bus. At first I felt very sad about this, but used it to my advantage later on. One day, I waited in front of his department right before he left for the bus. On the road to the buses, I told him how bad it made me feel that we weren't taking the same bus home now, that no one in that new bus would talk to me like he did. He asked the bus driver if their bus would pass by where I live. The answer was positive, so I could take the same bus with him again, this time with more to look forward to in terms of things to speak with him. Then, all of a sudden, a friend of his appeared and during their conversation, I learned that he was not married. On the bus, we talked about many things. Besides, he wasn't his usual silent self, he was asking lots of questions about me and telling a lot about himself! I asked him if I could take off at the same place as him. He said it would be tiring for me to walk all the way up to my place from where he takes off, but seeing as how persistent I was, he accepted and we started walking. He took his mobile phone out of his pocket and I asked him if I could get his number. He gave it. That was too much happiness for me for one day! He asked me if I enjoyed wandering around. I said yes and asked him the same question. He said yes. I asked if he did it on his own or with someone else. He said he did it alone. I asked if he did that because he preferred it or because he "had to" do so. He said both. Then I asked if we could walk together, to which he replied with a "maybe". He was 46 years old. I knew the year in which he was born and I asked him to tell me his exact birth date. He didn't tell me. He said everytime I celebrated his birthday, it would make him feel older. Right before separating our ways, I told him I loved him a lot. He, towering at me, smiled and asked me why and told me that we didn't talk so much as to be loving one another that much. I said "We don't have to. You're such a "fatherly" person." He said "I liked you, too. Don't forget, one who looks with love, sees love!" and then we both went our own ways.
During all these days, I learned where his apartment was and kept going there after work with the hopes of seeing him. He had told me that he lived with his mother, older sister and younger brother. Every evening I went there, I would visualize a blue sphere shield sometimes protecting and ensuring the well-being of the whole apartment, sometimes the whole family, but always him! My love towards him was indescribable. Every night before going to sleep, I would dream of us on a pathway walking together at night under the sky full of shining stars. We were silent. I wanted that view to be a reflection of his tranquil character. Being next to him would make me feel so, so serene and at peace, both in reality and in my dreams. I had a feeling he wasn't gay. No, I was sure he wasn't gay. But what I wanted from him wasn't something only two gay people could do. Of course, I would have liked to kiss him, but if that was not to be, then just listening to his problems and attending to him in every way possible would make do.
Once, when I went to his room and told him how precious he was for me as a person, he said that he didn't understand why I felt so attached to him, that he didn't think he was such a good person to be cared so much about and that people were "transitory", so the best thing I could do was to improve myself spiritually. Then, I said I would tell him why I felt so attached to him if I could take off at his stop again so we walk together. (They took away the two small buses and gave us back a big one again, by the way, so that meant we took the same bus again.) He accepted. He was smiling all the while saying all these things to me, doing his best not to hurt my feelings. I told him everything along the way. I told him about how I had a recurring dream before getting recruited and that the man in that dream was him and that he and his love was the reason why I got recruited. I told him how sorry I felt when he said he had no plans for the future. I told him I wanted to do something to "enliven" his life. I told him I saw the look at his face when he smiled at somebody else's child. And finally, I told him I wanted to be like father and son and that I wanted to make him feel what it feels like to be a father. My whole body was trying to shut me up during this time. My tongue felt so dry, my arms shook and my brain just didn't want to work. He had the power and the authority to lay me off and if he understood I was gay, he might never talk to me again, but every step I had taken towards him had made a bit braver than the previous step, so it was the time for me to say everything. He was saying anything while I was talking. He was just listening silently. It was only when I told him that I listened to my heart and didn't care what people might say about me that he smiled. After I was through with my speech, he, much to my surprise, firmly said it was out of the question for us to be like father and son, but that we could of course be normal friends. He said he didn't like such "extreme" feelings and that it would hurt both him and me. :( He said I should focus on getting promoted in the company and that that should be my number one priority. I said I didn't care about that at all, but he didn't listen.
That night was one of the toughest nights I had in my whole life. The man who I perceived as lonely, who I sent many letters to, whose neighborhood I frequented in the evening, who I thought would embrace the idea of having someone love him as much as his own son would do and the man who I worshipped said we couldn't be like father and son. I had thought he didn't get married because no one showed him the love he deserved, but my pure love could pierce through his armor. I expected a phone call from him saying he was sorry and that he reconsidered. He never called. It was always me fighting for him. I thought to myself: "If he didn't get married until this time, that means no one fought hard enough to gain his love. I came this far, I can't give up now!" I just had to work harder to get a deeper place in his heart, because I knew he didn't dislike me. I never had any negative feelings or thoughts about him. All that came to my mind and heart was purity, innocence and serenity when I saw or thought about him.
Next morning, he was reading a newspaper and neither replied to me, nor cared to look at me when I said "Good morning!", smiling at him and passing through the corridor of the bus to find an empty seat. I felt like I died back there. It was just my body carrying out its duty to sit at a seat, but my soul left this world that morning. Why was he doing this to me? Wasn't he the one who said "One who looks with love, sees love"? I didn't ask him to engage in any sexual activity with me. I just wanted to be like father and son with him, genuinely. I wanted to sit in front of a lake and fish with him. I wanted to ride a bicycle with him. I just wanted to spend some time with him. I just wanted to listen to his problems and find solutions to them. How could such things "hurt" anyone, as he put it? How could all those beautiful and juvenile dreams fall before the fists of reality? Where did I go wrong?
I saw him in the dining room the same day. He smiled at me there like he never did before. I smiled back. I was confused. I didn't know if it was me painstakingly thinking about evreything or him not making up his mind. It had to be the former, because he was just perfect at everything, at life despite him saying otherwise. Some days he simply didn't see me, some days he did. Whatever the case, he seemed to have no interest whatsoever in getting to know me better unlike that one time when he was asking me a lot of personal questions and telling me a lot about himself in the bus. One day, I felt like what I was doing was in vain. He was laughing joyfully to the son of one of his friends who I didn't like at all. He never did the same with me. I was jealous. I felt I was disturbing him. So, I decided to stop caring. It only lasted two days. I went to his room today, even if it meant disturbing him, and decided to observe his behavior as we spoke. He clearly wasn't hostile towards me. On the contrary, he was so friendly, I almost told him he was an angel. On second thought, that might have been a very appropriate thing to say. I asked if I could take off at his stop again so we could talk. He said he didn't know when he would leave work and that we would see each other on the bus. Right before the bus, I saw him with his younger brother, so that meant no walking with him. And here I am writing this post.
Now, even when I said to myself that I should try not to care, I always loved him more than anything else in my life. Never for a moment have I ceased to love him! He doesn't deserve to be alone at all. I want to give him the love that he didn't see in 46 years. I know I'm capable of giving out tremendous amounts of love. I know I WANT TO give him the love of a son. Nothing naughty, nothing nasty, nothing sexual, nothing more or less than being like father and son. Just pure, unconditional love. His resignment is in March and I don't want to lose him. All those dreams, all those "attractions" can't be meaningless. I know he deserves to be a father more than many other so-called fathers out there with such a gentle soul. I don't want him to keep his problems inside and get sad because of them. I want him to share them with me so that I could solve them. What I do not know is what I should do from now on. I can sense that he gets disturbed when I insist on doing something with or for him. On the other hand, if I don't do anything, there is no communication between us at all and that drags me down to oblivion. :( This isn't just me going over-emotional, this is my dreams and reality finally getting closer and I don't want to leave this world without living my dreams.
Please help me. I feel really lost. I don't want to die without making a big, positive change in someone's life and that someone IS him. I fear if I just let him go, he'll live on as if I was never there and I fear no one will love him as much as I do, resulting in a gentle soul's sad disappearance from this world. He does have friends, but he still seems to prefer loneliness. I've finally found the meaning of my life and existence (to save this soul and in doing so, save my own soul) and I don't know what to do. I just don't know how I should progress...
P.S.: Sorry if there are parts where my English doesn't make sense. It's not my native language.