I greet you all

[Soltis]

Hello, whoever would be reading this. Ya know, this forum looks ridiculously similar to keenspot, but I digress.
Lemme get to the point.
I'm sure you've all heard this about a gazillion times-
I need to learn to Astral project. Why do I need to learn? Well, it's a long one, so feel free to jump ship now.

*is not sure why he's trusting complete strangers with his most guarded story*

I used to be able to project as a small child. Albeit accidental, but it still happened at random times. I wold get an uncanny feeling of numbness in my waking body (As in walking around outside awake) and then for no apparent reason I'd enter what could best be described as a "Third person view" for a few seconds, until I realized what was happening, whereupon first person view would resume command rather quickly. It was kind of like the coyote from the old, old cartoons after he ran off a ledge. He didn't fall until he thought about it.
Several times during my childhood I would awaken from sleep with a huge start and I could see and feel the world re-aligning from my eyes, resembled being on a ship that's just been violently tossed, and having no recollection of any of that dream at all, assuming I had one.
The other major thing is that to this day I get premonitions. I will, instead of a dream, find myself living a portion of my life as normal in my dream. Maybe 2-3 months later, I am always surprised into silence when I re-live those moments to the letter- I mean to the thought! I even, one time predicting when I'd have a confirmation of a premonition, went on a random premeditated train of thought during the confirmation and it fascinated me when I realized the premonition had included that exact train of thought. These uncontrollable premonitions are important to my main story.

At about the age of *can't remember...so long ago...* I'll say 12, I went to take some Judo courses at the dojo of a friend of my dad's, paid some amount a month (They never told me until later but that comes into play), and I learned basic S.D. there. Not bad until a younger (I'll say 10-11) girl called Sarah began coming again (I came in during one of her long absences) to that dojo. I instantly fell in love with her. No lies people. I couldn't classify or identify it then, but looking back, it was at first sight.
Well, being a shy young nerd, I never really made any moves at all. Never became her friend outside of that dojo.
Sure, during the time we trained together with the rest of the class, a few things happened I now reflect on- things like when she may have been showing interest in me by asking what I 'did', and I replied 'not much' because, ya know, being a nerd doesn't really count for too much when you're 12. Or at least, that's what I thought. Never did ask her.
*stops digressing* Or of a time when I accidentally hit her in the face during a follow-up exercise- I felt so bad after-wards but she kept insisting she was alright, that kind of stuff- the occasional smile between us, you know.
But I was always scared of rejection, amplified by my nerdiness. The antisocial bastard I was, I thought I'd never make a good friend for her, would never be able to defend her or even at that time, support her (If she wanted to go out on dates and all that).
Now, this could have had a happy ending. But about 4 months before I left that class, I had a premonition/dream. This one I remembered, and it was of Sarah breaking up with me. "It's just not going to work between us."
Needless to say, this devastated me, and I became terrified of being near her. When an opportunity presented itself, during a month when my parents wouldn't be able to pay for the classes anymore, I dropped out, to get away from Sarah. This was a mistake.? I never did, of course, have that premonition confirmed.
I miss her to no end. Every single day I think about her. I name things after her and she's constantly in my thoughts. The pain gets worse every day, and every year. "I never told her." I repeat those words like a death sentence before I sleep at nights, if I sleep at all (I try to avoid sleeping now.) Mornings are greeted by an empty "Why should I try again? I already missed my chance.", which isn't helped by the fact that winter kind of sucks here when you've got a corner room and no heating device in your room (one in my parlor.)
I've read about astral projection on-line, and read Anne's (www.astral-voyage is it?) book when it was still in PDF down-loadable format. It's helped me to clarify my thoughts and feelings, but identifying the pain doesn't help it to go away. I know I have massive potential for AP as was demonstrated by my youth and premonitions, but I simply cannot do it. I have tried so hard, setting my alarm clock to like once every hour to try to remember to project. Even when I try... I feel sad, perhaps empty. Burdened down almost.
During my days I act normal and seem normal, but a lot of my emotions are forged and forced, I don't really get 'into' stuff anymore. I've lost the ability to find anyone attractive in any meaningful way. Sure, I do...well, young puberty ridden boy stuff, but I don't really connect with people anymore, especially women in general. There's more to my anti-socialism but I've typed enough for an introduction post and that isn't really part of my initial question/problem/request, which is learn to AP, so I can visit my love, wherever she is.

I know that if I could just visit her, even if only once, in her dreams even, and tell her that I love her, and listen to how she used to feel, it would heal me. Even if she didn't like me, the unknown is becoming unbearable. I'm concerned about her. I don't know if anything has happened but I dread it. What if she's just like me? Antisocial, empty, and hurt. I don't want her to feel like that- I'm the only one who should bear that kind of burden. I want to protect her dammit, and I feel like I'm failing her.

The only way I would not visit her is if she is living a normal, happy life with her own love. Then, I guess I would be satisfied being the "strange little nerd who used to smile at me" to her. I don't want to cause worry and concern and unnecessary reflection on her part by just barging in on her life for my own selfish reasons.

Please, I'm feeling lost here.

[Nick]

Welcome to the forum Soltis - and thanks for taking the time to relate your reasons for wanting to learn to astral project.

I hope you take the opportunity to review some of the astral related threads in our Welcome to Permanent Astral Topics and also the FAQ sections of this site. Of course, also look over the OBE and astral forums too.

Best wishes in your endeavors.

[CFTraveler]

Is there a reason why you can't see her in 'waking life' as a friend?  Have a casual conversation without letting her know how you feel?  Does she live far away from where you live?

[Soltis]

Ah.
I don't know where she lives. Never did. Never saw her again after I left.

[Kodemaster]

Welcome, Soltis!

Thank you for sharing your story. How old are you now, if you don't mind me asking? Perhaps you could try classmates.com and search based on her name. Did you know her last name? Or try googling it...

I second Nick's comment about that FAQ, especially this post:

http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=19319

I think it will help you out a lot!!!

Best,

Jen

[Soltis]

*just turned 18*

Na, seeing as how she was younger than me, I highly doubt classmates.com is going to work- not to mention I never learned her last name (Curse my memory! I know I've heard it before but I don't remember it.).

For some reason, I'm not sure if from dreaming is going to work. The last time I actually had a dream was like 7 months ago (Now that I remember, I think I went lucid and started hovering for about 10 seconds until the dream ended.) My sleep tends to either be void of everything (When you just go to sleep and wake up after.) or some kinda premonition. Dreams are rare.
Although, I've noted a few strange things. I'll set my alarm clock for some absurd hour like midnight, but I'll wake up and it'll be off. This bugs me out- I'd have to have woken up to shut it off, correct?

[kiwibonga]

Last semester I missed roughly two weeks of classes because my alarm clock stopped functioning correctly... If I set it for one minute after the current time, it would ring, but if I set it to ring in the morning, it just doesn't ring... I thought I was just waking up and going back to sleep, until I put the alarm clock at a different place in the room so I'd have to walk to turn it off -- and that's where I realized it just stopped working properly

Try doing the same

[Selski]

Hi Soltis

I would encourage you to try and find your girl through physical means, rather than non-physical.  

If you've had a read around the Forums, you will understand that locating someone is no mean feat.  There are so many 'obstacles' with projection.  Your expectations play a big part, along with your emotional state.  Along with fear.  And if you go through a wall, you may find yourself somewhere totally different to where you thought you'd be.

Could you contact the place where you went to Judo and ask them for her surname?  They must surely keep records of their clients.  They may not give it to you over the 'phone, but you could turn up and, as they will remember you, they may just feel sorry for the lovelorn lad and let you know her full name.  

Might be worth a try, and would be a whole lot easier than trying to find her astrally.

Whatever you decide, best of luck - and let us know how you get on!  

Sarah

[Faerydust]

Bright Greetings Solstis!

[Soltis]

Greeting to you as well...
How did you get such a gigantic avatar? I thought there was a size restriction...

[Leilah]

yeah. that thing was enormous.