Introduction

[Illuman]

Hello everyone thanks for having me.  The reason I joined and essentially was led here was due to strange occurrences in my life.  To sum up though what got me the most was an extreme buildup of pressure in my body and then energy vibrating through my body forcefully.  Whirling or swooshing sounds and I was excited and frightened it was getting stronger and stronger.  It felt like my head was going to explode and like my hair looked like Albert Einstein as in my hair stood up or felt like it did.  I was crazy ancient alien guy in that moment lol thought my mind was literally being blown.  I had to force myself to lay on my bed.  My eyes were forceably being closed I guess losing control of myself was too frightening to allow anything further.

(Sorry for chunks of text I am on mobile)

So I looked all over. I would get those same vibrations on a lesser scale through these past few months ever since it happened.  Mainly we syncronicity happen or the topic I am exploring is consciousness expansion.  Some guru videos did it to me.  Some religious sort of.  Gnostic tetxs.  Uh... Reading up on meditation and eventually one. Astral projection and the like.

I then remember something similar after my last entheogen use (many years ago) I had a blissful moment before I was sucked down to reality again heh I guess I should of listened back then cause I dove into binaural beats and keeping a dream journal.  Looks like it's been leading to this.


Anyhow to avoid getting off on a tagent I want to say I rarely ever remember my dreams.  I think it is because not enough conscious effort was being put into it.  After just browsing last night I did remember a dream when I woke and wrote it down.  So... Progress lol.  Thanks again and I'd like some recommendations of where to begin.  There is so much information here it can be overwhelming at times

[Nameless]

Hi, welcome to the forum Illuman. I'm sure you will find a lot of interesting topics, just browse around and leave comments where you want. Seems like you already have a great idea what's going on and are off to a great start.

[EscapeVelocity]

Welcome to the Pulse Illuman,

Like Nameless said, there is plenty of information here to get you started, especially the high-lighted 'blue stickies' at the top of each board. Study a little and then feel free to ask any specific questions.

[Illuman]

I want to "Introduce" myself more.  I have a feeling as I go having the information of how I became to be who or what I am currently may ease in helping both myself and others to help me.  I will say my memory is pretty shoddy.  I seem to always retain only what I find important to myself and the rest gets pushed aside.   So while I dont have any secrets per se (as this point may come to indicate) that isnt to say I dont have things I have for some reason or another kept even from myself.  I dont think that is the case but hey.  I cant really know.

So I was born in Buffalo, NY.  (USA) 12-17-1984 (recently looked into some numerology, some unique things came out of this but I dont have a large basis for this so I dont know how seriously I took it.

I have a younger sister (3 years younger) and my dad took off with another woman when I was 3.  (maybe 4) I recall for a time my mother tried to involve him in my life but after waiting on a curb for hours for my father one to many times the thought of him having anything to do with us, or me went away.  He eventually moved and the song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkcbxjWG9Mc (Father of mine- Everclear) turned out to be an anthem sort of for me.  My mother and father were both alcoholics (Dad still is as far as I know, not really sure tbh) My mom raised us alone and had a large alcohol and drug problem, so I lived in the poorest place in Buffalo, which is the east side.  One white kid in a sea of difference.  A training grounds I suppose.  It was alot of strife.  I excelled greatly in school.  Honors all around until somewhere in middle school when I started realizing I could literally learn and do anything I wanted all of that was so easy but I had a tough time with the WHY.  WHY am I doing this,  why do I walk through my young life doing the same thing over and over because someone else says its good for me.  Why is it good for me.  etc.  I had moved pretty consistently once a year (at least) until I was 13 or so.  Keeping a ground of friends became impossible and in my younger years I pretty much stopped trying to make friends knowing they would be out of my life no more than a school year later (so I usually had one good friend and a group of HIS or HER friends I hung out with until my next move).  I did eventually stick somewhere for a 2-3 year period when my mom decided to move my sister and I out of the East Side of the hood and into the suburbs.  That was... Interesting.  Somehow I was more of an outcast there than in the hood.  I seemed to be tested often even though I was big and much bigger than most I went to school with.  But it was like them saying, your not from the city, your not tough (not sure exactly) but it led to alot of fights, suspensions, detentions, etc.  I removed myself more and more from school.  The last thing I took from school was reading,  My english teacher in 9th grade introduced me to "The Hobbit" and that began a strong love for fantasy. 

I had a rather large group of friends all outcasts to some degree.  We learned runic (JRR's language) just delved into nerdom completely.  Magic the Gathering was a stample for a good chunk of my life,  dungeons and dragons etc.  Games, mostly RPGs. That type of thing.  I had convinced my family to get a personal computer for the house when I could and have lived an alternate life online ever since.  Much of my early years I escaped into my alter ego or online avatar often.  Got into Ultima Online and then started private servers which allowed players to actively create and interact with a fantasy world, much like visualized DND.  This was before DNDs actual games.  UO was the first.  (This is all just generic info obviously there are alot of gaps in between all this)

I eventually at 15 dropped out of school, it started when I was 14 when I just stopped going to school but until they forced me to go to Job Corps because I was a minor and they told me my mother would get in trouble.  I cared enough that I agreed and finished a 1 year course in 3 months and got out.  (Computer stuff ofc,  I had taught myself how to build computers from the ground up at 13 and anything software related I could immediately pick up because I knew how the entire process worked, how that software and program even came to life. )  By the time I was 19 one of my best friends had moved to TX to meet and be with a girl he met online.  He knew the most about my background and was very similar to me.  He said just leave.  Ill buy a bus ticket,  come stay with me,  after 1 year id get in state residency and I would go to University of Texas.  It sounded like another adventure to me and I really had nothing for me at home.  So I did.  I went to college there 4 years but much like my early life the "WHY" escaped me.  What was this all for, I was just being indoctrinated it felt like, pushed in directions others thought were good for me without knowing me at all.  A generic herd mentality.  Needless to say I dropped out of college and moved back to Buffalo.   My sisters finace had died in bed next to her (drug OD) and left her and my niece alone.  And knowing she had no one and grew up the same as I in alot of ways I wanted to be there for her.  Eventually I got into her life of socializing, partying.  I wind up starting selling weed around then 23-24 or so.  Took an eigth and turned it into a half ounce, into an ounce into a quarter pound into many many many pounds and off began my drug dealing career (uhg).  I ran the streets and completely controlled the flow of drugs into the suburbs and neighboring communities for years.  I was making a good 1-2000 a week of the green stuff but for some reason I got into cocaine (You would think my mom being a crack addict all her life would have kept me from doing this but I guess not)  The money there was insane and that 1-2k a week turned into 1-2k a day.  Throw some pharmaceuticals and entheogens and I had a real addiction to money and the power that came with it.  And of course sure I eventually created a drug habbit as I become delving into the life of the people around me.  I started getting high. 

Friends of mine began dropping like flies.  Their lives also followed a trend from weed, to LSD/Ecstasy to Cocaine to eventually heroin and those who couldnt come back,  well.  The passed.  In this mess after a very good friend of mine died (And of course as im going through this and losing people I had much guilt in having a part in their deaths.  A lot of times I felt if it werent for me they wouldnt be where they were, doing what they were doing and thinking of how different things would be with me removed from the equation.  Needless to say it took a while for that type of realization to take effect in real life.  I met the mother of my children in this mess,  at a funeral party (basically debauchery in the name of remembering the one we lost) a girl and I locked eyes in a room of 40 plus people.  I felt a shiver run up my spine and right then I knew we were meant to be together.  Many things happened but she eventually did pull me from those depths and I did much damage to her along the way, mentally.  Our life together today is very peaceful but we still deal with the consequences of our actions.  Mainly me.  I see how the lying and lifestyle I led had damaged her psyche and im still working on repairing that one.  I missed the birth of my first child because I got raided while she was pregnant and thats how she woke up and changed her life.  This was 5 years or more ago now.  I want to state somewhere in all this I did much LSD but not many trips were for any other puspose but recreation,  fun.  However across the universe has always had some profound effect on me while under the influence.  I had an experience I find extremely hard to put into words but simply it was bliss.  During a song or sequence in the movie (Friends in the real world said I stooped up and stumbled into the TV like I was being sucked in)  I realize now I must have been holding on to my physical reality very hard. I was transported to what I can only describe as ultimate vibration.  I feel like I touched that place OBE, AP talks about but I cheated so to speak.  I got slammed back down to reality very soon after and when I came out I was encircled by dogs and the friend I was with had a large knife out (presumably for self defense but I do not know.)  Inside the experience though I tasted the sweetest most pleasant taste you could ever imagine.  My whole being was simply vibration.  It was sort of like the ultimate sexual experience (though that doesnt do it justice I just dont have words)  There were 5 ( think) golden beings I dont remember any difference in any of them sort of like a mix between this https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiyt4nVpp3WAhWnx4MKHXmCCsEQjRwIBw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fscifi.stackexchange.com%2Fquestions%2F33123%2Fdid-neo-die-in-the-end-of-the-matrix-trilogy&psig=AFQjCNFPNf_UyzRKq4dtvdp6iNhW6iTUNg&ust=1505225099458943 and this https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwj64_3hpp3WAhVh6IMKHaoMBWoQjRwIBw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fscifi.stackexchange.com%2Fquestions%2F95787%2Fwhy-is-seraph-gold&psig=AFQjCNFPNf_UyzRKq4dtvdp6iNhW6iTUNg&ust=1505225099458943 The entire "room" I was in was golden too,  and so were the beings.  But there was variation enough I could differentiate between the two one a room the other people (sort of).  Before I smashed back to reality I could only get out only one question (I guess two technically) in my extreme Ecstasy or elation.  "We do this? (Like we willingly chose to do this?)  I might add that these 5 beings radiated so much power and I felt the fluctuations in it when I asked that question.  Like the ultimate joy from them.  If they could nod or had any movement I dont know but i just "felt" responses.  So they agreed yes that was a correct question which I clearly already knew the answer to.  They were sort of observing.  I say "We do this over and over?" and an even STRONGER feeling of joy from them I felt.  That is the limit of this experience and I almost got there a few times using drugs again but I always felt that getting there that way could either cause harm,  or it was just cheating, like I was bypassing the process for which to get there and that somehow didnt seem right to me.

Anyhow sorry to get off on a tangent I am trying to lay as much info as to how and why I came to be here as possible.  There came a point in time in my life where synchronicity was undoubtedly real to me.  Too many things had happened to reaffirm my direction in the PR through events,  Some were as simple as 11:11 me for whatever reason chosing to look at the clock at the moment my mind was expanding,  when I was feeling that tingle in the back of my skull.  Or reading about spiritual stuff getting that feeling, going outside and seeing the world move much like when I would trip.  I could see like FUZ or electromagnetic auras around things (no colors so I dont know if it has anything to do with like energy aura) Id find feathers in odd places or people who never appear would show up out of the blue talking about the same stuff I was just researching.  I mean many things began convincing me of this.  So I cut out as many addictive things as I could (am still working on cigarettes currently) just because I do believe giving my will power away even temporarily for escape or whatever else it might be seems counter productive to what I am trying to do here.  I am going to leave this post here and revisit it and maybe fill in holes and gaps but as of right now I need to make a bottle for my 5 month old. 

Thanks for reading, hope I dont scare anyone away.  Again none of this is secretive.  I feel no shame in it as I love who I am and would not be who I am were it not for this constant learning.  I will say I have ALWAYS been then type who must learn by experience.  I find it very difficult being told what to do (Daddy issues?)  so I have never been religious in any way, I have extreme problems with authority and power figures that type of things.  It comes down to that "WHY" question.  I seem to have to convince myself something is good for me so I find myself digging to the core of everything, right down to the foundation.  I did it with computers I do it with breaking games beta testing finding problems and abusing them.  I do it with everything,  my mind tries to get to the root.  Anyways,  Thanks again I am thoroughly enjoying this. 

[Selski]

Hi Illuman

That was a really interesting introduction - thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have lived a full life at such a young age.

My only advice is to keep up the dream journal, even if some days there's hardly anything in it. You'll be amazed how soon you'll be having 5 or 6 dreams a night and won't find the time to write them all up if you make dream journalling a daily habit (and an enjoyable one, rather than a chore).

Looking forward to reading your nightly adventures. 

Oh, and welcome. 

[DeniseGreen]

Hi Iluman, your post was buddy much interesting to read.