Lost... Not Sure Where To Go From Here!

[SCHMUSTIN]

Hey guys and Galls,

I have not posted on here for a while now as I have had some family stuff come up.
This is more of an outlet post for me... Thanks for taking the time to read....

My mom has had a brain tumor since she was an infant.
Doctors had been keeping an eye on since they located about 20+ years ago, after she had been having seizures when she was about 31.
Long story short... January 2107 things turned bad and the tumor had been hemorrhaging and bleeding into her brain and then in turn turned to Cancer of the brain and spine.

Then radiation and all that started.

Now fast forward to November 2017... The "END" (More appropriately the "beginning", pending how you look at it) was clearly on the way and their was nothing any one was going to do.

Gratefully, I am in a position that with my job I (my wife and two young kids 8 yo and 9 yo) was able to take a substantial amount off time of to stay with her and my step dad for 3 - 4 weeks.

This was one experience that will never leave my mind. Watching you mother slowly slip away day after day watching the body slowly loose the ability to walk talk etc... And... not being able to do a thing.

On December 17th, 2018 my mother passed away in her bed with my step dad and myself holding her in our arms. Surrounding the bed was my beautiful wife and little brother.

I will never forget telling her how much I loved her, and cherish the day we get to see each other again and that everything was exactly how it was supposed to be.
Looking down as her hand in mine the goosebumps that cam over her were remarkable. I have NEVER seen goosebumps like this in my life.
As we were all standing and lying around in tears I just pictured her standing right beside us..... Sorry this is really hard to type out... so i am going to call that the story.

Anyways... thank you for taking the time to read this.

I don't know where to go from here.
I have tried AP'ing a couple times but it doesn't seem to be on the forefront of my mind like it used to.
I feel like it is yet another fear road block for me which sux cause I was just starting to get over to fear part. And now, as I would give just about anything to see my mom again I am afraid as to what it will do to me if I do.

I have another experience about practicing AP'ing after my mothers passing but will need to save it for later on in the thread, as this is a little to much right now. 

[T-Man]

SCHMUSTIN,

Very sorry to hear about your Mom.  Speaking from experience it is always hard loosing a parent.  All I can say is that with time things will get better.  I like to think of it as being a new beginning for her journey.  I think that as an AP'er you know without any doubt that you will see her again. 

My condolences to you and your family.

[Nameless]

Schmustin, I am so sorry to hear of your mothers passing. I remember well when my own mom passed. You don't really get over it but you do accept it in time. She's had an amazing journey and now she is on to other amazing journeys. You know you will see her again.

But you? You are still here and you still have to finish this one. There's no hurry, you will find yourself soon enough.

Many hugs and lots of love.

[SCHMUSTIN]

SCHMUSTIN,

Very sorry to hear about your Mom.  Speaking from experience it is always hard loosing a parent.  All I can say is that with time things will get better.  I like to think of it as being a new beginning for her journey.  I think that as an AP'er you know without any doubt that you will see her again. 

My condolences to you and your family.

T-Man, Thank you for the kind words I am hope full that one day... Before my passing and when I am ready I will get a chance to see her again.

Schmustin, I am so sorry to hear of your mothers passing. I remember well when my own mom passed. You don't really get over it but you do accept it in time. She's had an amazing journey and now she is on to other amazing journeys. You know you will see her again.

But you? You are still here and you still have to finish this one. There's no hurry, you will find yourself soon enough.

Many hugs and lots of love.

Nameless, Thank you .. I always look forward to your reply's. I agree, I know that at some point I will see her again and will relish that day.
I know I am still here and there is no rush to finish this one. Taking it a day at a time and yes with time i can see how it will/should get easier too live with.

[Nameless]

Hey hon, just popping back in to give you another warm hug. (((hug)))

[SCHMUSTIN]

Hey hon, just popping back in to give you another warm hug. (((hug)))

Nameless... Thank you....

[EscapeVelocity]

Sorry about your loss friend. Lost my dad 8 years ago.

It hurts for awhile for very good reasons.

Comforting wishes to you and your family,
EV

[Lumaza]

 SCHUMUSTIN, my condolences to you and your Family as well! 

She didn't have the ability to say what she wanted to say, but it sounds like those "goosebumps" spoke volumes!

When you are ready on all levels, you will receive the proper "closure" you wish for and deserve. Time heals all wounds.

[SCHMUSTIN]

Sorry about your loss friend. Lost my dad 8 years ago.

It hurts for awhile for very good reasons.

Comforting wishes to you and your family,
EV

Sorry to hear about your father.
It is a shi**y thing to go through. Just have to keep practicing what is important to me and my spiritual growth, keep on bettering myself and keep moving on.

SCHUMUSTIN, my condolences to you and your Family as well! 

She didn't have the ability to say what she wanted to say, but it sounds like those "goosebumps" spoke volumes!

When you are ready on all levels, you will receive the proper "closure" you wish for and deserve. Time heals all wounds.

Thank you for the kind words. Literally the goosebumps were crazy I mean out of this world. I have had some pretty crazy goosebumps a couple times since her passing and I just look at it as a sign she is letting me know she if here.