Regargind facing fears/traumas to fix them and relation to the ego

[cesm23]

I don't know if this forum is the right place to post this but... if it's not then PLEASE someone advice some place where i could get better help.

To avoid a very long story let's just say that one of my very big traumas/phobias is getting yelled/scolded at, since i feel strong shame (i get all red), anxiety, anger sometimes, and depeding on the person i even get panic attacks and start shaking. Just forget about trying to get professional help, unfortunately it's useless not only because i have a full time job now (and unfortunately it's my own once that is my boss and it's completly impossible trying to find another job in my specific situation) but also all doctors i tried to get treated on (shrinks and psychiatrits) would mostly prescrive drugs with some undesired side effects, so unfortunately the kind of help i need isn't available in the place i live. By the way according to what i read online, i have almost all the symptons of asperger and even dyslexia...

The problem is that this trauma, ever since i started having this job, gets triggered tons of times each day by my boss/oncle and also my father, and it's DEFINETLY slowly increasing, lately i even have full blown panic attacks and start shaking and things like that and no matter what i say to him or to any other members of my family it's no use they don't understand me, infact they don't even believe i have a trauma of such a thing like this (about getting reprimended/scolded/humiliated/yelled at), therefore i keep doing douzens of mistakes at my job because i am all the time so afraid of my boss getting angry, and this is never ending, i almost feel like going crazy many times or even considering suicide (but of course i try as soon as possible to get that idea of my head immediatly) so you see i am really getting desperate and absolutly no one is able to help me or even FULLY understand me!

Also after doing some googling i read somewhere that one of the ways to fix a trauma is by doing intentional "exposure" and actually not trying to avoid the thing i fear the most, also i frequently hear people saying "to face your fears"... So for obvious reasons i can't confront my boss/oncle directly BUT i noticed i feel exactly the same feelings (altough not as strongly as with my oncle) by watching people arguing on tv, even if it's fully fictional, i can't stop feeling just like if i was the person being yelled at, so i guess that maybe it would be a good idea to do intencional exposure like this, BUT of course now applying presence exercices so that i avoid getting so affected emotionally. Anyway this is the only way i see to fix this without any professional help, because there is no other way...

Is there anyone here that got rid of a VERY STRONG trauma like this, or is this a bad idea? 

Also i suspect all this suffering and negative emotions are typical reactions of the ego because of the almost permanent bullying and yelling i get, so a way to get control of the ego would probably be a solution for this, but i don't know, this is the strongest trauma/phobia i have and it keeps being triggered douzens of times now in a daily basis, it doesn't seem that presence exercices or positive thinking is enought for such strong emotional and physical reactions, even tough i AM already able to at least not get affected so much anymore after i am outside of my job environment and i am at home, but the constant panic and fear of doing something wrong is always there no matter how present i am.

[Lexy]

It sounds to be like you are an empath. Try asking an empath community for help, they will be able to show you how to help yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, you can find a way to make life a lot easier.

[cesm23]

A empath???  First time someone ever said that of me... What makes you think that ? Maybe my definition of empath isn't too clear... Anyway give me some examples in why you think that

[Lexy]

A empath???  First time someone ever said that of me... What makes you think that ? Maybe my definition of empath isn't too clear... Anyway give me some examples in why you think that

there are different types of empaths. There are physical empaths (where you feel other people's physical pain), emotional empaths (you feel other people's emotions)...


You can be an emotional empath and not know it. Empaths are highly sensitive, highly emotional, boundaries can be blurry where you don't know where your feelings end & someone else's begins. You absorb other peoples feelings & don't even realize it. You often wonder why you are experiencing emotions for no reason. For instance all of a sudden you can feel depressed, angry or nervous but nothing happened. You pick up up so many emotions that just stick to you until they all build up & you feel great anxiety. You feel like you are falling apart, like something is wrong with you. You can't take being around lots of people or being around strongly negative people. You get hurt easily, you feel fragile, you feel a need for protection. That is what it is like to be an empath & not know it. You can learn how to develop your skills & not get easily effected by other people.

[cesm23]

Thanks for the help guys but i really dont' think it's a case of empathy, since all the negative emotions i have always have a logical cause for happening (traumatic triggers), but i will try to explain better :

there are different types of empaths. There are physical empaths (where you feel other people's physical pain), emotional empaths (you feel other people's emotions)...

Hum... that's what i tought empathy was, so it's the same thing i was thinking empathy is, therefore i can assure that i do NOT have empathy at all, let me explain why.
           

You can be an emotional empath and not know it. Empaths are highly sensitive, highly emotional, boundaries can be blurry where you don't know where your feelings end & someone else's begins. You absorb other peoples feelings & don't even realize it. You often wonder why you are experiencing emotions for no reason.

All the emotions i have ALWAYS have some kind of trigger. In this case, it's trauma triggers, because i only have these strong negative emotions when very specific triggers are "fired" which are common to the traumas i have. I NEVER had any emotions at all without a appearant cause, so i guess this was a case of my words being misinterpreted, this isn't a empathy case i am almost 100% sure of it...

For instance all of a sudden you can feel depressed, angry or nervous but nothing happened. You pick up up so many emotions that just stick to you until they all build up & you feel great anxiety. You feel like you are falling apart, like something is wrong with you. You can't take being around lots of people or being around strongly negative people.

Oh yes DEFINETLY some of the members of my family are VERY negative, and i believe my oncle is the strongest of them all (in negative terms), i mean, he is not mean to me as a oncle he even speaks nicely to me when i am not doing things for him, but he has ZERO patience and gets angry about just anything at all or when he is not much angry he behaves exactly like a bully mocking and humilitating people (and believe it or not he is around 40 years old), i think this is because he is schyzofreniac and bipolar, so if you guys know what that is, just imagine me having to stand him all day, and me constantly doing mistakes and having clumsyness because i always get very nervous and filled with fear that i might do anything wrong that will get him angry. I don't believe that i am picking emotions from him, since fear is something i am perfectly sure he does't have, the only emotion he probably feels is anger, anger, anger and nothing more.

You get hurt easily, you feel fragile, you feel a need for protection.

Yeah that i can relate to.

That is what it is like to be an empath & not know it. You can learn how to develop your skills & not get easily effected by other people.

Well.. EVEN if i am not an empath, that's EXACLTY what i want (not getting affected by other people) this is the miraculous thing i have been searching for in the last months and absolutly nothing works (and belive me trying to get another job is absolutly impossible considering my situation) i have tried presence exercices, meditation, lots of reiki self-healing, hipnosis, professional help (shrinks and psyquiatrists) i even tried to get rid of ALL negativity by stopping watching tv completly but even still like that nothing changed.

There can only be two causes of this : karma or psychic atacks. Of course that if it's a case of negative karma from previous lifes i think nothing can be done and i just have to accept it (which of course is near to impossible with such strong physical and emotional reactions).

In the case of psychic attacks, sometimes i wonder that it's probably this, because almost everything i like is related to violence and the big problem is that most of the things i still "like to like" them and it's too much of a torture to just abstain from "feeding" the desires, so there's GOT to be some kind of distance healing for this, because i see no other solution...

But i would specially like the oppinion about that part of being psychic attacks or "ghouls", how do i know if this really the cause ? Just to see if it matches my case. Also i have stange shivers in my whole body a few times a day and they aren't related to temperature, sometimes i wonder if this isn't related to negative presences or not, even tough this happens even when i am alone. It's exactly the same shiver i get sometimes when i have the need to pee. Also the very strange kind of sexual desires i have and the intensity of the desires, i am also starting to wonder if i am also being attacked by succubus or not... Even tough i have obssessive compulsive behaviour in just about everything i like, not just sexual desire, anyway in a asperger person this seems to be normal, unfortunately.

[blis]

I've got a similar problem.  Well two problems, one more similar than the other. I'd never thought of the empath thing. Sounds plausible as a contributing factor.

In my case I think my problems are a combination of emotional blockages and PTSD.

Lately I've been meditating on my earliest childhood memories. I try and feel the emotions that I was feeling at the time. I let the emotions flow and end up crying a lot. I then work my way through my life finding emotional turmoil that is basically the same thing as my earlier memories. I feel and process the emotions as fully as I can.

I've noticed that when I got to a certain age I stopped consciously feeling these upsetting emotions and developed behavioural coping mechanisms that repressed them. My adult life has been greatly affected by them. I've discovered most of my fears/phobias and emotional problems stem from childhood experiences. A few traumatic events in my adult life have slightly dislodged these emotional blocks and I've started having panic attacks in a PTSD type way.

It's as if that child still exists within me and I feel it's emotional reactions to situations similar to those that upset it. I'm starting to think that maybe I need to do some sort of retrieval on it to integrate it with myself. Havent figured out how yet.

[cesm23]

Well... that thing of "letting the emotions flow" unfortunately doesn't seem to make much difference for me anyway, the negative emotions keep coming and i keep doing douzens of mistakes obviously because i am under EXTREME pression to be perfeit and never do a single mistake, which is, of course impossible. I also frequently used to have several nightmares about this, but strangely lately they aren't as severe as before even tough lately the pressure is so huge that i fall in a panic attack and start shaking and screaming.

I've noticed that when I got to a certain age I stopped consciously feeling these upsetting emotions and developed behavioural coping mechanisms that repressed them.

Hum... what you mean by that? Or, how you do that exactly ? By being "present" and focusing in positive things to not think about the things that trigger the traumas? Because that's what i have been doing and unfortunately it doesn't do much difference from when i used to let them flow...

My adult life has been greatly affected by them. I've discovered most of my fears/phobias and emotional problems stem from childhood experiences. A few traumatic events in my adult life have slightly dislodged these emotional blocks and I've started having panic attacks in a PTSD type way.

In my case most of the traumas i had come from bullying experience in school, and also because of my parents since i always was very clumsy and kept doing things wrong and always interpreting reversely what most things people say to me.

It's as if that child still exists within me and I feel it's emotional reactions to situations similar to those that upset it. I'm starting to think that maybe I need to do some sort of retrieval on it to integrate it with myself. Havent figured out how yet.

Honestly there is still another option, i don't know if it's such a good idea but maybe could provide some relief, which is doing voluntary exposure to the things that trigger the traumatic experiences. Of course that it's necessary to be careful about this, but after all, since i am ALREADY getting THOUSANDS of daily triggerings of this trauma, i think i have nothing to lose, it can't be worse than this after all, and i read somewhere that teenagers that watch a lot of violence tend to get used to them and not getting affected by that, and indeed that happened to me in tv shows, BUT watching people arguing that DOES bother me a lot (i keep feeling exactly the same as if i was the person being yelled at or humiliated at) and i think that maybe doing exposure to this might make me used to this and start not getting so bothered anymore... at least i hope...   

[blis]

I've noticed that when I got to a certain age I stopped consciously feeling these upsetting emotions and developed behavioural coping mechanisms that repressed them.

Hum... what you mean by that? Or, how you do that exactly ?

I dont know. I was emotionally messed up when I was young(i didnt realise this until recently), and then I went through a period where I wasnt but my behaviour was messed up. Instead of feeling distress I was putting it onto other people. Then I went full circle. I was bullied, I was a bully, I was bullied. Bullying isnt really the problem with me though. Its the underlying emotions relating to not fitting in. It was present before any real bullying. I've got another big issue but I wont mention it here.

I've spent years of my life hidden away avoiding people. I still do in essence but I'm not as bad as when I was smoking weed.

Not too long ago I went through a period where I was forcing myself to do things I needed to do and not allowing my self to be scared off. It was going really well and I thought I was on the road to full recovery but then something happened(not fitting in in a big way) and there was some conflict and I had a bad panic attack.

I worry about the same thing happening again - it's a distinct possibility. I'm stuck in a very specific situation in prison though.

Have you tried CBT? My probation officer wants me to do it when I get out.

Look for messages and lessons to be learned from any nightmares you have about this stuff. You subconscious or higher self or whatever tries to get you over this stuff using dreams.

I know where you're coming from with seeing people argue. I have to hold back tears when I see agressive conflict.

Strangely perhaps I'm not as bothered about my problems as I used to be. I see my troubled past as having been necessary to get me to where I am just now. I believe I chose to be born into this life. I'm starting to realise a lot about my true higher self and my waking state of consciousness has changed dramatically over the last six months. The meditations in  this book got me started.

The other thing that helped a lot was sorting my chakra's out and getting rid of all my energy blockages. The book "New Energy Ways" got me started with that.

I'd say I'm at least 10 times better than I used to be.

[Lexy]

well, what made me think you were an empath is that you are highly sensitive & emotional. Also, you said you can watch TV and feel what the characters are feeling, empaths do that too. Just because you can find a trigger for your feelings doesn't necessarily mean you are not an empath. But anyway, did the doctors diagnose you with asperger or anything else?

it sounds like your uncle is emotionally abusing you, is there a way that you can distance yourself from him?


I have heard of the voluntary exposure treatment but don't you need professionals to do that? Are you thinking of doing this by yourself?

[cesm23]

Regarding Blis, i am going to reply you soon, so that this doesn't make such a big reply, first i am going to reply Lexy :

well, what made me think you were an empath is that you are highly sensitive & emotional.

Oh i see... But still maybe it's too soon to jump to conclusions, but, indeed i won't deny it 100% maybe i am a empath it just doesn't look that way to me according to the definitions said on the replys of this topic, since it's not exactly a matter of knowing what others are feeling, it's more like, in my head BASED ON PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES with certain persons or judging the tone of their voice and face, i instantly have negative/positive emotions responses of my mind/body when a similar experience is about to happen between me and the other person, like for example, when i noticed i did a mistake in my mind i instantly feel panic and fear because i know immediatly that my oncle will get indeed angry BUT that isn't always the case... In fact usually it happens most of the times the opposite thing that my mind deeply thinks it's going to happen, it's the so called reverse/inverted intuintion i already complained about many times, but it seems no one believe i have such a thing or even heard about such a thing, because i have been "fooled" by this reverse intuintion SO many times, that it's definetly not a mistake, it IS indeed a reverse intuintion, not just coincidences.

But this intuintion mostly happens when i am faced with two possibilities of a outcome, positive or negative, and 95% of the times it never fails if interpreted reservesly. Maybe this was some kind of consequence of negative thinking in the past years of my life? I used to be very negative thinking in the past, only lately i started being more careful about the affirmations or thoughts i have... By the way no matter how much positive suggestions of psionics training i do, this intuintion doesn't seem to "improve", it keeps being reversed all the time i can't understand why.

Also, you said you can watch TV and feel what the characters are feeling, empaths do that too. Just because you can find a trigger for your feelings doesn't necessarily mean you are not an empath.

That's very interesting... I think that finally i got your point, maybe i am a BIT empath, and i think i got a lot more sensitive because of the panic i have with my oncle and father, nowaways everytime someone speaks to me, i am SO alert that my mind tries to analyse the voice of the person and THROUGHTLY tryes to see if there is any negatively behind it, this is caused by the constant abuse of my oncle i presume since i didn't had this before i started going to my oncle. But still... if the person doesn't speak to me i have no idea if it's going to be angry or not, so that's why i am not sure if this is empathy or not.

That thing about the tv characters, it's like i said, if they don't speak or if i don't analise their faces i have NO idea of what they feel.
                                                             

But anyway, did the doctors diagnose you with asperger or anything else?

No, it's just by reading things on google, but common, it's just too much coincidence, just checkout http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome and the characteristics i have almost ALL of those characterists, only very few things i don't have, so very few things that say in there doesn't match my case, but the vast majority do, so if i don't fully have that syndrome, well, it's mostly sure that i am parcially affected by it. Oh and i have a bit of dyslexia too (and that angers my boss even more).

it sounds like your uncle is emotionally abusing you, is there a way that you can distance yourself from him?

Yes, by going to unemployment line for a long time, before i have gone to my own oncle as his employee i spend several years looking for jobs, and unfortunataly the only thing i am good at is computers, i am not even mentally capable of having a drive license (i really don't feel prepared for such a thing and besides i am very afraid of that too, considering how extremelly clumsly i am, soon i would have a accident since i have VERY slow reflexes and mental processing which is by the way another symptom of asperger i think) and unfortunately most jobs here REQUIRE a drive license. Also i live in a small city too. So after talking with my family, they also noticed that it would be extremelly difficult to get another job to me, so that's why the ONLY chance of me earning money is to be myself a boss and opening a computer store, but unfortunately i don't feel mature/ready for such a thing. 

I have heard of the voluntary exposure treatment but don't you need professionals to do that? Are you thinking of doing this by yourself?

Of course i am trying to do this by myself, i can't afford to go to another country to find professionals about this, all the ones i gone for in the country i live don't even seem to know what i have and it appeared as i was a very complicated case to them, and they even prescrived me drugs... (in the case of the sexologist, to reduce the sexual desire). Oh yes that thing of the obssessive-compulsive behavior is typical of aspergers and also that thing of having VERY specific tastes and not liking almost everything that normal people do...

[cesm23]

Now replying to BLIS :

Then I went full circle. I was bullied, I was a bully, I was bullied

Yeah... i think that happens to me too, i also "bully" my mother and cat and even my brother when i was smaller but still i am sure i wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the bullying i suffered.

I've spent years of my life hidden away avoiding people. I still do in essence but I'm not as bad as when I was smoking weed.

Well ever since birth i was never a social person and i never had any particular interest in socializing, even tough i had a few friends to talk with, but in a general way all my life was spent at home in the computer.

By the way fortunately i never tried stuff like that (weed) in fact i tried absolutly nothing, i never smoked, drank, and all those things that teenagers use to do, probably because i didn't had any "bad company"...

Have you tried CBT? My probation officer wants me to do it when I get out.

In fact i read a bit about that recently on google but i haven't read much on it, is it possible to do it alone ? Yes because of course i am unable to find any professional on that here where i live, and besides i have a full time job now...

Look for messages and lessons to be learned from any nightmares you have about this stuff. You subconscious or higher self or whatever tries to get you over this stuff using dreams.

I am not that sure this is really messages and lessons from my higher self, it seems more like messages from negative entities, because in those nightmares, it was most always me fighting back at the persons that bully me (mostly my oncle and my father even tough recently it's mostly my oncle), i mean, to yell and shout back at them very strongly, do you really thing this is such a good idea? Unless of course it's not meant to indicate what i SHOULD do, but if it's not that, i don't understand, this is just showing precisely what i have been repressing, and i have very good reasons to repress this, because knowing those persons as i do, it would have TERRIBLE consequences, mainly because i am financially dependet of those two persons, even tough lately it's mostly from my oncle since it's still the best job i can get at the moment. I even enjoy my current job the ONLY problem is the boss itself. And believe me, all those nightmares i have is ALWAYS about that about facing them, about fighting even more with those persons and if i would do this in real life it would just generate more violence and some severe consequences, and besides they would take extreme offense to that and never talk to me to the rest of my life (they have done this with some persons in the past, specially my oncle) and unfortunately that would be the ultimate family crisis and not only me would be affected but my mother as well.

Also i remember that sometimes i had a few lucid dreams (strangely, i used to have two each month, now i never had them anymore) and i tried many times to specifically ask help to my spirit guide or higher self, i even ask for them to appear or to manifest in the dream, but without any results, most of the times just nothing happens, a few times it would appear just as a absolutly normal dream character and it behaved EXACTLY like all others so i am almost pretty sure it was NOT the manifiestation i wanted. But unfortunately lately i don't even have lucid dreams anymore (probably because i stopped psionics exercices completly because of the lack of results that unfortunately are required to me have patience enough to keep doing them without being a torture...

I know where you're coming from with seeing people argue. I have to hold back tears when I see agressive conflict.

Well... i don't think it's THAT kind of feeling i meant, it's more like feeling shame and fear, because i can't stop imagining myself in the place of the person. But yes sometimes i also feel that as well.

Strangely perhaps I'm not as bothered about my problems as I used to be. I see my troubled past as having been necessary to get me to where I am just now. I believe I chose to be born into this life. I'm starting to realise a lot about my true higher self and my waking state of consciousness has changed dramatically over the last six months. The meditations in this book got me started.

Hum... ever since i "entered" the world of psionics (i mean, that i first discovered that even psychic abilities existed) i also felt that my beliefs started to change, lately slowly i am starting to be more present and avoiding to "generate" more negative karma, by avoiding to be angry to anyone, but with such negative persons around me is quite difficult, i keep forgeting to be calm but at least i seem to be improving. So yes i also kind notice a change in my waking state of consciouness too BUT i think i haven't reach your level yet, that i am sure, lol

By the way that book! It was one of the very first books i read about psionics so i know that book, even tough for what i remember i wasn't able to make use of any of those exercices, since unfortunately meditation to me... is just something that i am not prepared for, i still view it as something very boring, and worse, unfortunately i have a terrible problem hindering the pratice of this type of exercices : i am extremelly dependent of some kind of short term results (even if they are small or minimal) just to keep me motivated to go on with  pratices like this for long term.

About 4 years ago i started praticising several types of exercices to develop psychic abilities and stuff like this, and i was forced to quit doing all of them because i was unable to do them for more than 5-6 days without any results, it always felt like a waste of time and started to feel like torture. This is probably because i never believed such things to be real for so many years, that's why i was so desperate to get some evidence/proof. Unfortunately i am way too impatient for these type of exercices, because as soon as i see that it's not working in short term, i feel that subconciously this isn't going to work and i start fearing that it won't ever work and that i am just wasting my time and the exercices get very very tedious and believe me i can't stop feeling like it's a torture and a huge burden. And it's this i NEED to know how to get over with, in how to stop feeling like this. Did you had this problem when you started n.e.w. ? If you did, please tell me how the heck someone overcomes this... Because to me, this might be a strong indicator that simply i am not yet ready for these type of exercices/training.

The other thing that helped a lot was sorting my chakra's out and getting rid of all my energy blockages. The book "New Energy Ways" got me started with that. I'd say I'm at least 10 times better than I used to be.

Oh yeah i DID actually done several n.e.w. exercices at the time (3-4 years ago) but as you can imagine that won't give instant results, i did it several times, but the longest time i was able to do was more or less 2-3 entire weeks, i did in each day a full arms work and in the next day a full legs work and so on, i always took 1 hour and half to do a complete leg or arm work (of course i only did once a day), i don't know if this is too much time or if i was doing something wrong, but one thing is certain i felt quite tired after doing it, but unfortunately that was the ONLY result i seen. Even after 3 weeks of doing it everyday the feelings i got in my limbs were EXACTLY the same as they were before the exergy work, they haven't changed a bit, i knew that it was normal to take time to make the energy flow improve but unfortunately if even 1 week to me is already a bit hard to handle without results, imagine 3 weeks, i was forced to give up, since in the two last weeks i was pratically "forced" in doing n.e.w. in the hope that it would work, but i am clearly not prepared to do this kind of exercices, or it's probably some mental blocks due to the fact that my whole life, before 4 years ago i was skeptic simply because i didn't even knew that psychic abilities existed for real, thanks to the place i live (since i never ever met or even heared about any real psychic all my life).

I am sorry for all this conversation, let's hope you have some advice after these explanations... Specially that thing you said about the meditations of the book you read, can you be more specific in which meditations you did and how often it's necessary ?

But still, meditation is something that takes years to show results, and i don't know if i will even last there without getting insane first, because in a few times i had those panic attacks i almost felt i was going to snap and start beating my boss/oncle and it was VERY hard to control myself, and this happened already many times, specially because he is constantly bullying and pressing me to do everything at the speed of light (yes thats right, even faster than the computer itself, i mean, he wants things done on the computer at the same speed he orders them) and perfectly without any errors and he doesn't listen or believe anything i say (he has ZERO respect to me, infact no one in my family has, even tough i am 31 years old, all because of this appareant lack of inteligence, which isn't the case, but the syndrome i look make me look a lot more stupid and dum that i am, simply because i have a terrible "common sense" and i keep forgeting things that are obvious to others).

One last thing... that thing you said "I feel and process the emotions as fully as I can." can you tell me if it's that i should do when i try to remember how i feel when my oncle abuses me ? I mean, maybe i could try doing exposure using tv and then trying to process those emotions ? Just clarify me in how exactly this is none, i mean, it there is a technique, or if you just mean to let them flow (that to me doesn't seem to do any long term benefict, but oh well...)

[Lexy]

Have you ever thought of taking some self-defense classes?  When you feel stronger in your masculine warrior energy, you might not feel so panicky.

[Monk]

Embrace it, for it is you and you are it. There is no way back or around other than for denial, but it's just a river in Africa...

[blis]

The N.E.W techniques will definately get easier if you keep at it. It took me months to get rid of all my blockages.

Specially that thing you said about the meditations of the book you read, can you be more specific in which meditations you did and how often it's necessary?

It was ages ago and all I remember is sitting down and reading for an hour or two and then meditating on all the things that arent actually me. The theory is that by stripping away all the things that arent actually part of you, you get left with a realisation of the actual you behind it all.

Like you think of yourself as being dead and looking at your dead body. If you can still see your body after it's dead then you cant be your body. It's more involved than that but thats the basic idea. If you can take something away and still be, then its not part of you.

On my first sitting, I read for a bit, meditated on it and then had a nap. When I woke up I had a profound realisation of my self. I could now keep my mind silent without any effort at all.

Just have a read at the book and see if it resonates with you. It might not, everyone's path is different.

As for feeling and processing the emotions. I dont know if the way I'm trying to deal with my emotional problems will work for you. Hell, I dont even know if they'll work for me. I'm trying to find the roots of my problems burried in the past but you seem to still be living the same problems with the same people.

Have you considered moving away to somewhere else for a few years? Abroad even? I reckon if you can get away from the abusive people then you stand a better chance of being able to heal. You say its the best job you can get just now but is it the best life you could be having? Money isnt always the most important thing.

[cesm23]

Sorry for the delay on the replys.

Have you ever thought of taking some self-defense classes?  When you feel stronger in your masculine warrior energy, you might not feel so panicky.

Well... that could be a good idea, but i don't know... would this be "powerfull" enought to prevent the traumas from triggering ? Judging the depth and severity of the physical and emotional feelings i get maybe that wouldn't be enought. Anyway i don't even have free time for taking that, i really have a FULL time job now unfortunately.

The N.E.W techniques will definately get easier if you keep at it. It took me months to get rid of all my blockages.

Yeah that part of taking months to get rid of all blockages i understand, but don't tell me you didn't had any SINGLE indication it was working or showing some results during the first few weeks or months of doing it daily ? Because this is the major problem to me...

Besides tell me another thing, after doing it a few months what things exactly you notice different on you besides the improvement of the flow in the blocked areas?

Just have a read at the book and see if it resonates with you. It might not, everyone's path is different.

Well, i think i already judged that at the time i read it, unfortunately maybe it's not exactly what i need...

Have you considered moving away to somewhere else for a few years? Abroad even? I reckon if you can get away from the abusive people then you stand a better chance of being able to heal.

Oh yes, definetly, but there are MAJOR problems with this, first of all i don't know anyone outside that would help me on this, also i would need a lot of money for this, and worse, where and how i would live by myself during the time it would take to find a new job ? Unfortunately it's not that easy, specially without someone trusted to help us in the place i would go.

Besides, i think the problem is not just my oncle, i once had a small job during 3 months in a computer store, and their boss was similar to this one i had all because i have this strange way of interpretating things the wrong way (typical of aspergers i think) so i basically get yelled at by almost just ANYONE, since my way of interpreting things usually are the opposite of the majority of the persons, so i don't know if going away from my oncle is going to make such a difference, since this isn't just with him. I am actually getting desperate with this, because today he even also started treatning to fire me if this continues (specially because the huge arguments for EVERY single mistake i do, which of course, happen very frequently because of living in constant fear and pressure), and believe me this would be the WORST thing to happen, because i don't have now anymore persons giving money to help pay the bills like before, well, for the moment i still have my grandmother but my father already stopped.

You say its the best job you can get just now but is it the best life you could be having? Money isnt always the most important thing.

Yes, but what alternative i have ? The most common jobs are a lot worse than this one, i would have a worse life in other aspects, and besides i am way too clumsy to stay too long in a job, that's what most persons in my family says, and unfortunately it's true... That's why a computer related job is the best to me, since at least on the computer i am not that clumsy, that is, if i don't have ultra pressure to do everything at the speed of light, which is the problem with the current job.

Anyway i am getting REAL DESPERATE with this, i constantly see people around me arguing and yelling and never having respect for me, i live surrounded by "animals" (angry persons) and i am lately getting more and more sensitive with these things, and i don't know what to do anymore, since even professional help i am unable to get, and there is no one in my family with autority to speak with my oncle about this (besides it would be completly useless).

What the heck should i do ? Besides some real strong healing or very experient hypnotist i am not seeing another solution for this, also meditation maybe would be good but for such a thing urgent like this with deep traumas involved, it would take way too long to do any effect, besides i barely have any free time now, because since january it became a full time job, and of course the suffering now is daily!

[Pauli2]

What the heck should i do ?

Change.

Change your surroundings.

[Stookie]

I hate saying it, but it sounds like you've ruled everything out in your mind already - professional help, meditation, energy work, moving, etc.  Also, you really sound like an empath to me:

BUT watching people arguing that DOES bother me a lot (i keep feeling exactly the same as if i was the person being yelled at or humiliated at)

It may not be the only problem, but that statement right there is definitely empathetic.

When it comes down to it, there is no quick fix for emotional problems like this. Whether you do it yourself through meditation or with professional help, it will take a while and you'll probably always have to work at it one way or another. But it can be done. Don't expect a quick fix from an outside source. The best they can do is put you on drugs that zone you out, and that's not fixing it, it just covers it up. The most anyone else can do is guide you to doing it yourself. No one else can force you to feel a certain way. Your feelings are your feelings.

Here's how I look at issues like this: how we feel is directly related to how we think. Negative thoughts bring negative emotions. If you can change the way you think, you can change the way you feel, even around horrible people. I've been through this myself during my teens and early 20's (probably not as severe though), and after a few years of practicing meditation (learning to concentrate and gain control of my thoughts), I was able to overcome it and become a fairly confident person.

Pauli is right: you need a change of some sort, but it looks like your going to have to spur that change on your own. It's good your trying and I wish we could be of more help. It starts with small steps, but have faith in yourself and you'll get to where you need to be.

[cesm23]

Sorry only now i could reply this

Also, you really sound like an empath to me, It may not be the only problem, but that statement right there is definitely empathetic.

Hum... even if have to use my physical senses to be able to "get" these feelings (for example by seeing or hearing) without using ESP at all, it's still empathy?? I tough empathy was only called empathy in a sense of a psychic ability, i mean, when there is actually use of ESP, which doesn't seem to be my case, also this means that all those persons that cry when watching romantic movies at the cinema or when seeing/hearing sad music, they are ALL empaths?? I tought this was simply being "sensitive", and that it's something that most people have, so apparently, the normal thing is not feeling affected by such things ? (i mean, non psychic sensitive people)

But still... if i am REALLY an empath then there isn't really here anyone who knows what to do to not be affected by these negative emotions ?

When it comes down to it, there is no quick fix for emotional problems like this. Whether you do it yourself through meditation or with professional help, it will take a while and you'll probably always have to work at it one way or another. But it can be done.

Well... the problem is that unfortunatly that won't help me much, but i understand that due to the complexity of this.

The most anyone else can do is guide you to doing it yourself. No one else can force you to feel a certain way. Your feelings are your feelings.

Yeah indeed probably that's the only way i see it, sooner or later i have to find someone which is able to tell what i need in a way i can understand, hence why i made this post after all...

Here's how I look at issues like this: how we feel is directly related to how we think. Negative thoughts bring negative emotions. If you can change the way you think, you can change the way you feel, even around horrible people.

Wow i really hope this is true, indeed i think sometimes about the negative emotions i have at my work, and probably this attract even more furute situations to trigger those emotions.

I've been through this myself during my teens and early 20's (probably not as severe though), and after a few years of practicing meditation (learning to concentrate and gain control of my thoughts), I was able to overcome it and become a fairly confident person.

Hum... try being a little more specific on this, what you did besides the control of your thoughts, you also did some internal questioning about the ego, for example, in why we feel offended when someone belittles or insults us, among many similar things that trigger negative emotions, is THIS a kind of fix for these problems? I read something like this in "our ultimate reality", that about deeply meditating about what our egos make we fell and why, this IS part of the solution right?

At least it's the ONLY way out i see, the problem here is that everytime i try meditation with closed eyes, i start having hypnagogic imagery in a few minutes, and after that it's VERY hard to focus in what i was meditating on, this is incredibly distracting and this even makes me feel like i am just half-asleep and that i am just wasting my time and this isn't going to do any good (because sleeping is something normal and won't do any development).

[Stookie]

Hum... try being a little more specific on this, what you did besides the control of your thoughts, you also did some internal questioning about the ego, for example, in why we feel offended when someone belittles or insults us, among many similar things that trigger negative emotions, is THIS a kind of fix for these problems? I read something like this in "our ultimate reality", that about deeply meditating about what our egos make we fell and why, this IS part of the solution right?

As far as that aspect of my life, I would say it was basically using meditation as a tool to learn to control my thinking habits. Taking a brief time everyday to slow down my thoughts and observe how I think carries over into regular daily life. Like your example: when someone offends you, because of mindfulness during meditation, you start to recognize what's going on when these feelings rise up and why they effect you the way they do, and you can begin to choose how to react. It's not a magical process, it takes time and effort and you have to apply it everyday. No breaks, it has to become a permanent lifestyle.

At least it's the ONLY way out i see, the problem here is that everytime i try meditation with closed eyes, i start having hypnagogic imagery in a few minutes, and after that it's VERY hard to focus in what i was meditating on, this is incredibly distracting and this even makes me feel like i am just half-asleep and that i am just wasting my time and this isn't going to do any good (because sleeping is something normal and won't do any development).

That's exactly what meditation is for: to go from not being in control of your thinking and concentration, to gaining control of it. It takes practice, but you can do it. If you want to go this route, start off simple. Just take 5 minutes a day to focus on 1 thing that is of your choosing. It can be anything (non-stressful), and ONLY let that one subject be the focus of your contemplation. When something else pops up, just make notice and immediately go back to your intended thought. It's a cumulative exercise where you might not see any improvement for a bit, but over time you'll be able to do it for longer periods and it'll seep into your daily life effortlessly.

[cesm23]

Wow thanks a lot i think this is finally what i need, at least for now it's enough, let's just hope that i am able to maintain this pratice, because everytime i tried before, i always ended quiting.

[Dreamking]

cesm23, after reading your posts I think you might be right about having aspergers syndrome. I have it too. try going to wrong planet.com. its a great website for people with aspergers.

[Lexy]

I wanted to mention I came across an article somewhere that said many people with aspergers are empaths..then I thought of this thread.

[cesm23]

cesm23, after reading your posts I think you might be right about having aspergers syndrome. I have it too. try going to wrong planet.com. its a great website for people with aspergers.

Wow finally... but unfortunately i am not seeing much what can this help on my case, but i am going to explore that website then, thanks. By the way do you know if that's a good place to get "penpals" to talk about these type of problems? (specially in chats) I ask this because of course, having someone to chat with which is also an asperger could help me a lot in how to overcome somethings in a way more suited to an asperger... (well, emailing is also good, but a forum... it's way too much talk needed it would generate huge topics, if you check some of my previous posts you see how much i talk).

I wanted to mention I came across an article somewhere that said many people with aspergers are empaths..then I thought of this thread.

Hum... that's interesting indeed, the problem is finding a treatment for this, or harder yet, getting TIME and the place to get treated in the first place. Also for what i read i don't think there is a complete cure for this, i am not even sure anymore if meditation is enought for things like this, because unfortunately, people with asperger have different chemistry and their brains seem to work differently, i am not sure if it's also in a physical level (probably not since i already took a c.a.t. once and it showed nothing wrong) or not, the problem is i need urgently something to calm the symptoms in a short term, and of course meditation is way too weak for phobias like these, i am beeing googling a lot and i see no other alternative, controlled exposure and mixing it with presence and positive thinking is the only viable solution i see so far, since i have absolutly no way of having time or a place to get treated or finding other job. Besides... the way i am, and by personal experience, this would happen in ANY job anywhere, because the clumsyness is also mental (and not just a little) so you can imagine, ANY person as a boss would be almost as bad as the current boss i have.