Living and Dying

[Kenneth]

Hello Lighthouse,

Yup - I can fully relate to your feeling in your situation. Had exactly the same feeling when my grandmother passed away some years ago. (We hadn't had any conflicts or any of the sort, but my family has always been - how should I put it - Scottish about showing our feelings? [])... So when I tried to consciously show some emotion of a little grief, I actually got an angry reply from my father [V] ...

But I feel, that you are on the "right track" here. Starting out with NOT knowing what to feel, followed by "trying on" different feelings and "roles", followed by actual confusion as to how you should "behave" in order to i.e. "be there for others" - and when you get fed up with that, well .... [}:)]

Naa - just playing around a bit here. You seem to have some VERY REAL inner conflicts, so why no focussing on the feelings and energies BEHIND the inner conflicts, instead of trying to solve the situations located where the conflicts are leading/pushing you? ....

This is like turning the table 180 degrees around. This is YOU being aware of every conflict inside of you, rather than being aware of how to solve them.... This is you being aware of the feelings inside of you, that tries to trigger you into identifying yourself with them, instead of REACTING to the feelings.

When you have been in a houndred different situations, ALL of them with the same emotional and energetic content, if you are smart (what you obviously are, just by asking about this, and showing your doubt!) - you sort of stop trying to cure the symptom, and start looking to deflate the dissease []

And the technique? ... Well, EVERY situation in you life can be a "tool" that you can use to gain a little bit more of yourself back. Every situation in your life can be split into a situation (either talk, action etc.) located "Outside" of yourself, and an "emotional" and "energetic" component, inside of yourself, that YOU reacts to emotionally / energetic.

Each time you succeed in just being aware, and keeping your prescence in one of those situations, you gain a little bit back of yourself. You sort of Deflate the dissease, and retake that land inside of you back - inch by inch.

Sometimes you are very lucky ([]), and that is when it feels like your World comes crashing down on you. You feel very vulnerable, very emotional, very sort of "naked" in that state. Try to BE AWARE when you are in that state of mind, and feel the PEACE and REALNES that is also there, just beside the "nakednes" !! ....

What is actually happening is, that YOU have seen a very big part of you for WHAT IT IS. (Often it is an accumulated feeling that gets loosened at once). And you stop building your life on that feeling, or that emotion. This creates an Empty feeling inside, like a part of you have died...But only to make room for the conscious you to occupy [] ....

There are some other very good threads in this forum too, among those are How to Sched the Junk, and some others about feelings as well.


Okay, enough rambling from my part ... I hope, that you can use some of this []

And the short answer to your original question, "How do I help....?". Well, (IMO) - by BEING what you want to be for them WITHOUT any inner unresolved conflicts - give them a PURE experience with yourself as the example - and then GIVE THEM ROOM to make their own choise.


Cheers from Denmark,

PS: "without seeming callous and uncaring?" ... THOSE resistances are what I would start with if I were you [}:)] ... How to truly get to know these resistances to these emotions inside of you to a degree, where you CHOOSE to let them go? .... How can you be completely Caring, if you are afraid of being Uncaring? .... Each time you try to BE that for them, they WILL also feel your resistance to these emotions - and they WILL react to them stronger than they will react to your being there for them, unfortunately ...

[Rastus]

You know your right, so take some comfort in that.  A great weight is lifted when you know that death isn't the end, but simply a return to your natural form.  Makes life easier to live without the finality hanging over your head.  I mean how many people don't live, because they are obsessing about death?

My mother had a confessing evening talking about visions of her dead mother one night in August.  The sad part is she wouldn't listen to what I was trying to say.  Actually she didn't care what I had to say, which was sad, because a part of her mother was there that evening, supporting her from beyond the veil like she didn't support her in life.  My grandmother didn't have much time for me that evening, she knew I was going to be fine []

[Lighthouse]

This past 2 weeks has been a roller coaster ride for me and I thought that if anywhere, I could find some people here who can relate.  I'm not sure really why I'm posting it but it needs to get out there and someone can use the information I'm about to deliver in some way so take it and use it in any form that feels most appropriate.  

On August 27, I closed on a house in Upstate NY and moved from the Washington DC area.  If that were not crazy enough, the night after my close, my last living Grandmother died who had been living with my mother.  My Grandmother and I never really got along very well, severe personality conflicts, however, I suspect that's because we were very much alike.  

2 years ago on Thanksgiving, we had a huge argument which should have remained between the two of us, yet the entire family felt that they needed to choose sides and it really caused a rift in the family... my husband overreacted, my little sister overreacted, my Aunt overreacted and my mother overreacted.   Everyone felt hurt by this argument that I had with my grandmother.  I did not invite her to my wedding and she brought it up right at Thanksgiving.  She had been hurt by the lack of an invitation and I was hurt by her lack of presence and apparent love for me throughout my life.  I told here that she was as present at my wedding as she had been in my life and that should have been the end of it... Unfortunately, everyone else thought that they needed to step in.  

My Grandmother has (still does) an entrepreneurial spirit and I think she had a very rough childhood. My aunt told me that there were many kids in her family and that she was "farmed out" as a child which I take to mean, someone else raised her and she was made to do more than her share of work.  She most likely did not receive the love she needed as a child (my assumption) and therefore built up a very strong coat of armor. As a result of this, my grandmother was always sabotaging herself when it came to allowing other humans to love her.  When I was a kid, I never heard her say she loved me and I often heard her say that children should be seen and not heard.  This is all just to give you some background so that you might have the opportunity to understand this dynamic.  

The last time I visited with my mother, I had a very good visit with my grandmother and for the first time in my life, we both told each other that we loved each other (I'm 33 years old.)  This was private between myself and my grandmother (the others in the family were not privy to this exchange... it was as it should have been.)  

When my Grandmother died last week, because of my belief system, I could not mourn for her.  Instead, I was VERY HAPPY for her.   I truly believe that death is the last experience because it is the BEST experience.  So, when everyone was mourning for her, last week, I was very chipper and happy because I knew that she finally was free of all of her emotional baggage that she had been carrying around for the past 74 years.  

I have told my mother that we just change form and there is really no such thing as death.  In fact, as I was there visiting, my Grandmother visited my mother and when my mother asked if it was her, my Grandmother laughed at her (hee hee.)  Even after this experience that my mother had directly, she still mourned for her... is still grieving... still crying.  My Grandmother died on August 28 at approximately 2:17 am.  In CwG, God states that (can't give you page numbers right now) if you knew that death was the best, how could you greive? (I'm paraphrasing here)

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to ask, how do I maintain my belief system and also help others through their grieving?  I just can't grieve for someone who I feel is dancing naked in the rain!  I know it must seem callous to some yet I just can't bring myself to be sad for someone who is truly LIVING!

Any advice? This is the second death in my family in the past 2 months.  My father in law died (who I truly loved) and I couldn't bring myself to be sad for him either.   How do I help people get through this without being inauthentic and without seeming callous and uncaring?  

Thank you for your responses,
Kerri