Where am I headed?

[Graelwyn]

Hi all, pretty new here and apologise in advance for a rather long post-please bear with me as I would love advice if possible.

Basically, I am finding all the discussion on energy raising, kundalini and the like rather confusing, having always simply well, struggled with gifts as they showed themselves to me. I have read a certain amount, obviously, but never really put work into things..just took what came to me really.

As a young child, I would often dream days that would come to pass, and have nightmares, about such things as World War 1, of which I had never been told anything, nor even read about. I would see spirit and on one occasion went into my parents room to ask why there were children standing around my bed. I always felt different for some reason,and pretty much lived in my own little world.

At age 10, all of these gifts seemingly blocked off... I dont really remember experiencing anything spiritual anyway...after I was abused, and only resurfaced when I began going to haunted places about 6 years ago. I found I could wake my ex bf simply by calling out things to him within my mind (telepathy I assume) and I found I knew things about people simply by being in their energy. I could feel the emotions of others incredibly strongly, to a point I would sometimes burst into tears in the presence of someone who had been down.

It was only a year ago that I started exploring my spirituality and realising I had some kinda path..I mean, seeing as I survived 4 near deaths, someone must have some purpose for me, right?   Almost as soon as I started seeking a path, I had a series of native american visions (the culture of which I knew nothing about) in which another language was spoken and I was shown things I had never seen before! I had to ask around native american chatrooms to find out what was what. I was also given a name in these visions. They were beautiful and very intense and I felt totally at home in them.

Anyway, soon after this, I met a man in a native american chatroom with whom I seemed instantly drawn on a spiritual level...the connection we shared was amazing and I thought for sure he must be my twin flame(I know some do not believe in such things, but I do to a degree). Well, this lasted 4 months and then problems his end (usa) tore him away and not seen him since.

In quick succession after, 2 other native american men became drawn to me, but I felt no draw to them...and I was left pondering, what is the lesson here? am I being tested? Why do I keep getting false leads?

After this, I began to explore my gifts more actively, and discovered I am clairvoyant, clairsentient, clairaudient, an empath, a healer and can remote view. I have felt a strong pull this last year also to devote my life to working for spirit, guiding others and a strong pull to be with my true soulmate whoever they may be...but I keep having obstacles thrown in my path and false leads that leave me confused...every male I meet now, I seem to be spiritually connected to...I mean one I recently became acquainted to, was told 2 years ago that he would meet me, but neither of us knows for what purpose...he is almost my complete opposite!

I seem to be moving so fast. I now hear spirit most of the time, and get periods where I feel totally full of power? I know that sounds bad, but I get periods I just feel like... I am totally at one with everything and can achieve anything. I am also constantly getting these shivers and like energy surges that go right through my body.sometimes when I go out, it feels as though the earth is shifting beneath my feet. I seem to have knowledge of things I shouldnt have.If someone asks me ofor guidance, the words i give dont seem to come entirely from me.  I have been getting bright white flashes behind my eyes frequently and just so many things seem to be happening... I am starting to see the lessons in all I do and it is very strange.

So, what I ask is this..what the hell is going on? And is any of this the beginnings of a kundalini awakening, because I sure dont know. These things just happen to me!

Kate x  

[James S]

Hi Kate,

I know there are some things in here that you sound a bit disappointed about, but for the most part, what you're telling us here sounds absolutely wonderful!!!

I wouldn't say your experiences have had anything to do with kundalini. What they have got to do with is the fact that you've allowed yourself to be open to possibilities beyond what the average person considers to be real. From what you described in the last few paragraphs, you have opened up to the energies and the spirits around you. You are becoming more aware of our world, not just from five senses, but all of your senses.

I feel that at the stage you are at now, the best thing you can do is to find someone local to you – a psychic or a metaphysics college. So many people I've spoken to recently at the college I attend have had similar stories to yours, and mine – an awakening of psychic talents, then time spent on the internet trying to contact like minded people to come to understand what you're now going through. Like me, they've felt that the internet, and sites like this, are a good starting point, but the internet is no substitute  for finding some people that you can spend some time with IN PERSON. A tarot/meditation college or psychic circle will offer far more opportunity to understand your abilities and grow with them than the internet will.

Whenever seeking out things like where the best place to learn would be, use your intuition, and when you get an answer that gives you a good feeling in your heart, TRUST IT, and don't let your mind talk you out of it. This goes for the  "knowing" that you get, or the messages, or those feelings of power...TRUST your feelings, go with your heart. The first thing your rational mind will try to do is to talk you out of these things through rationalisations. Ignore your mind at this point and stay with what your heart says.

I know of the things you are talking about. I too am clairvoyant/audient/sentient. I seem to spend more and more of my days in the presence of spirits, seeing and hearing what they have to say, and even channelling messages from Spirit. I can see auras, and have a heightened awareness of the energies around be and within me. I am also an empath, able to read the emotions of people at a distance, and I get very strong and definite emotional messages for people if I come in contact with them. I can astral travel during meditation, and I often use this time to sit and spend "quality" time with my guides.

All of these things I can now do, anyone can do, anyone who wishes to be open to the possibilities. Many of these abilities have come out in me since I joined a meditation circle, and made a conscious effort to meditate daily. What helped me the most was not only having a very skilled medium guide me through the various steps of my journey, and having others around me at the same stage as I am at. We are able to confirm for each other that what we see and hear ISN'T our imaginations. When I learned to trust in my abilities, and trust the messages and feelings that were coming to me, it was just like I'd put the accelerator pedal on my psychic engine flat to the floor!

Don't be at all concerned about what's happening to you here Kate. Embrace it as something wonderful and enjoy the journey

Warm Regards,
James.

[Graelwyn]

Hi James
Thanks for such a long response... I didnt really think it was any sign of kundalini, but a girl can dream! That is something I would dearly love to experience, but I tend to be lax when it comes to meditating and taking time to work on such things.

I have started attending a spiritualist church, but I am not sure how long I will last...The love and light ideology just doesnt fit my view on things...yes, I work for light, but I have experienced enough negative to know that exists also...the majority of spiritualists, indeed the majority of mediums I have come across deny the existence of such things as demons and darker spirit, preferring to brush them under the carpet and simply give messages about their nan's bedroom slippers and such things!!


I am finding life particularly difficult right now anyway...   I find, silly as this sounds, living on this plane very difficult, I find the materialism here difficult, I find the idea of having to work 9-5 in some job I dont enjoy simply to live difficult as I wish to be able to devote my life to guiding others...that just doesnt seem feasible.

I have been sat here most of the evening, thinking how hard it is to keep in touch with one's spirit living in such a world as this, if that makes sense.

does this happen to all who manage to open themselves up to their gifts? ( not that I am fully open. I still lack trust and find it impossible to do what some do, in trusting spirit to bring them all they need)

Kate xxx

[Leo Volont]

Dear Graelwyn,

I've noticed that Native American Spirituality has turned into an industry.  Native American's themselves smile at it, while their men leave the reservations and conduct seminars for middleclass middleage whitewomen.  I am not denying that there is not some spiritual reality to their endeavors, but I wonder whether they are not taking more than they give.  

I once read a book called "Spiritual Cannabalism".  Its premise was that one could learn to take the Spiritual Energy away from other people.   Place this in context to the moral mileau of many of these Native American Tribes, whose economies were entirely predatory and the highest calling in life to be a successful Bandit, and I begin to wonder whether these Modern Day Native American Adventurers are entirely altruistic.

The Great Civilizations of the Americas had largely collapsed by the 13th Century, and their Civilized Gods replaced by the barbaric demons of conquering tribes.  One of the Great Gods announced that He would return.  Then, in 1521, on the Site of His Temple, Our Lady of Guadalupe appeared, bringing to America the Religion of the Cosmic Christ.  

The Material World, like the Spiritual World, is torn between the forces of Civilization and forces of the Barbaric Destroyers and Predators.  As the Material World has largely been usurped by the Barbarians, the Exploiters, and the Godless, we should not be surprised that the Spiritual World is also largely in the Grips of those whose Morality is not much more than a thin veneer.

Anyway, Ms. Graelwyn, you seem so full of energy.  I hope you should exercise some caution in whom you allow to feed off of it.

[Sampson]

Hi Kate,
I sympathise with what you say below:

I find the idea of having to work 9-5 in some job I dont enjoy simply to live difficult as I wish to be able to devote my life to guiding others...that just doesnt seem feasible.

I am in a similar situation, as I would like to work for myself using my creative skills. At the moment it just isn't possible but I have identified all of the obstacles and problems that are creating barriers for me at the present, and I have already started making what preparations I can for when I plan to start this venture.

It is a very frustrating situation to be in, it's like an unstoppable inner urge, like a path that cannot be deviated from or like an itch that can't be scratched .... for the moment at least! Why not try and identify the issues that you feel are responsible for not making your aspirations feasible at the moment? Try and make a list of the obstacles and then try and tackle them one by one.

I have been sat here most of the evening, thinking how hard it is to keep in touch with one's spirit living in such a world as this, if that makes sense.

I had similar experiences to you with Spirit at a young age that seemed to fade out and tail off at about the age of 7 or 8. I guess the way that the individual is bombarded in the physical world in these days and times it's not surprising that this means of perceiving can often become buried under a weight of materialist and mechanistic thought.

In recent times I have started to cleanse the windows of this perception and have had some glimpses of what lies beneath, below are a few ways that I have used in order to get back in touch with my spirituality.

One of the ways I heighten or raise my spirituality is through my dreams. I place great importance on my dream life, that's not to say that it is a form of retreat from the physical, it's more of a an integration of an aspect of myself that is normally subdued, overpowered or smothered in the physical world.

Another way to keep in touch with ones spirituality is through art. I practice this quite often in the form of drawing and painting. Being creative in this way can be a great release for the Soul, it can also be a very reflective, therapeutic and often mystical form of expression. I see from the writers forum that you enjoy poetry, this is also an excellent means to keep in touch with ones spirit.

I wish you all of the best

S

[Meg]

I think that with all the talk of the material world, we forget how joyful our "real" lives should be.

I think it can be really dangerous to get overly sensitive to the non-physical in our daily lives. I think that if people don't work hard to ground themselves, they can really go crazy. Like, when I see John Edwards etc. and the way they jump from one person to the next, I think how he must just be constantly bombarded and it must be really hard to function!

There's reasons for some barriers. I find it intense enough to deal with psychic sensitivity when I am having an OBE.

So I think there's something to be said for working hard to ground ourselves. Crap jobs can do this, or for me it's baking bread and making jam. Anything that focusses on oneself and one's physical reality.

Meg

PS Stop looking for your soul mate. He won't be anything like you expect.

[Graelwyn]

"It is a very frustrating situation to be in, it's like an unstoppable inner urge, like a path that cannot be deviated from or like an itch that can't be scratched .... for the moment at least! Why not try and identify the issues that you feel are responsible for not making your aspirations feasible at the moment? Try and make a list of the obstacles and then try and tackle them one by one."

I think the main issues are being stuck in the middle of doing an English degree I am finding tedious more than anything and the fact I see no other means to follow my desire than to get an ordinary job to get together the funds to guide others with my gifts for free!! I have a friend who has spent years of his life working with drug addicts, giving his time freely, but his wife was the earner. Now he is considering starting some 2 day courses to cover his bills and devoting rest of his time to giving freely of his gifts...this is wonderful, and what I would wish to do in time.


"PS Stop looking for your soul mate. He won't be anything like you expect."

I dont look...it is more like a waiting. I have no expectations of how he will be to be honest. It is the person's spirit that matters to me, and besides, with a true soul mate, if literature has any basis in fact, one will love them regardless of any flaws they might have. The flaws will barely be seen!


Kate xxx

[Leo Volont]

I think the main issues are being stuck in the middle of doing an English degree I am finding tedious more than anything and the fact I see no other means to follow my desire than to get an ordinary job to get together the funds to guide others with my gifts for free!! I have a friend who has spent years of his life working with drug addicts, giving his time freely, but his wife was the earner. Now he is considering starting some 2 day courses to cover his bills and devoting rest of his time to giving freely of his gifts...this is wonderful, and what I would wish to do in time.

Kate xxx

Until one can secure a living, there will certainly be anxieties about how one will manage to make ends meet.  Indeed it is very important to secure jobs and careers, even if they are entirely without any spiritual context.  But remember, jobs are not 24 hours a day.  Your own Spiritual Practices, and interacting with others spiritually can be fit into your schedule... into your spare time -- what time the Global Capitalists are willing to allow you for your own personal concerns.

I DO admire your wish to give to others without charge.  The introduction of buying and selling into the Spiritual Equation always tends to cast doubt upon the entire business.  What is given for free can be seen as sincere beyond any doubt, but once a price is put upon it, then it becomes a 'package of goods'.   But I can see a legitimate excuse for charging money -- if you ever become so popular that your schedule becomes drastically overwhelmed, then you can charge money simply to impose some sort of a threshold to cut down on traffic.  During all those years when you charged nothing, you can develop your sincere Doctrines, which won't change once you begin to charge money for their personal propagation in workshops and such.

And regarding Soul Mates... I'll tell you what I tell my daughter... you don't need anybody to complete you.  Have a child, or keep a cat or two -- and that will be as perfect love as you can get.  But a Man!?  A man will start with the intensity of lust, and end in your not being able to reconcile his Agenda with your own Agenda.  You are not destined to be a housewife, are you?  You have plans for yourself, don't you?   A Man would only interfer with all that, no?

You study English Literature, right?  Consider George Eliot's "Middlemarch" -- the subplot of the Ambitious and Altruistic Doctor who ended up having all of his Ideals ruined by a marriage to a wife who would contradict all those things.  We must all decide whether we want a Life or a wife, or, in your case, a husband.   Then there is "Jude the Obscure" by Thomas Hardy, another case where a promising future was destroyed by an inopportune marriage.  I hope you are familiar with literature from the Victorian Period... except for Sommerset Maughm I haven't been able to read anything beyond the Victorian Period... it all seeming artistically flat and morally irrelevent.

and what about "Wuthering Heights"?

[Graelwyn]

It is true, a job is needed for security, but I have been told a degree these days does not make any difference in the job stakes...and I do so resent the prospect of sitting in some office or working in some shop, or even working in a theatre (which was my ambition for most of my life thus far) in order to fit into this materialistic society! But it seems I shall have little choice.


Regarding soulmates, why would I want to be a stay at home mother? I mean, I would say a man is a lot less responsibility than a sixteen year commitment to raising a child    Aside from that, I would never marry anyway...once that knot is tied, it becomes like a noose around your neck in my opinion and swiftly becomes a prison. I would never allow any male to control me and nor would I control them. To me, that is an important aspect of the concept of soulmates, and more especially, twin souls/flames..the love is entirely unconditional on both parts, with neither actually needing the other to feel complete. This kind of relationship never succeeds until both parties have learnt all the lessons needed to become while in themselves, with no need for dependence on another. If a man interfered with my lifepath, I would know he was not the one and soon oust him.

I am familiar with Middlemarch and Victorian literature, especially Jane Austen, but then, that was written in another era...I do believe some changes have occurred since then lol. Women aren't married off according to their dowry these days in general. We have more choice and more power.


Kate xxx

[You]

Waiting is even worse than looking. You mustn't wait, you must forget.

Then it will surprise you.

I do hope the lust for your twin flame was not during the period you were with your husband... if you still are.

[Graelwyn]

It wasn't lust I felt for my twin flame...people seem to have this obsession with lust on this forum! It was pure love. And I was not married...the man I was with was a bf, not a husband and he did not treat me all that well anyway.

Kate xxx

[You]

I didn't say it had to be 'sexual' lust. I can lust for a piece of chocolate cake, I can lust for exercises, I can lust for life...

[Graelwyn]

Is it not better to retain a desire to be loved and to love, than to lose both altogether? At times, I wonder if the key to evolving spiritually is to detach from the emotions...to give totally willingly, with no emotional needs oneself?

Kate xxx

[Rastus]

The key to Love of another is to first Love yourself.  If you can't Love yourself, then how can you accept the Love of another?

Once you Love yourself, there is no desire to 'be loved', it simply happens.  I mean unconditional love, not anything biological.  The law of attraction facilitates this, if you Love, then more Love is attracted to you.  The converse applies as well, which is why miserary loves company  

[Graelwyn]

And how does one know when one loves oneself, rofl? I am getting there. I love very deeply a male in my life, who apparently does not feel the same. It gets frustrating sometimes, when you are working so hard on yourself, trying to achieve this unconditional love, and seem to be getting nowhere! It is hard, when alone, to not have need of company of another.

Kate xxx

[Rastus]

But when you love yourself your never alone.  Not in some freudian way, but in the sense of the Spirit.  God is always with you.  Your guides are always with you.  Your higher self is always with you.  You can get a [hug] from Spirit anytime you want , just ask.

How this male feels about you should not affect your love for him in any way.  That is unconditional Love.  Don't confuse unconditional love in Spiritual terms with love in the physical.  You can Love someone in terms of the Spirit as well as Physically, which is indeed a joyous thing if it is recipricated on both levels.  But it is also a joyous thing to give love unconditionally, expecting nothing in return.  If you expect it to be returned, then it's not Unconditional Love.  It is simply Love or love, both still good things.

You can't measure your life by how another feels about you.  That discounts any of your own self worth.  Which brings us back to Loving yourself first.

Hang in there, it usually happens when you least expect it  

[Graelwyn]

Hi again, Rastus,
 My love for him never goes, but like most, I do get frustrated and hurt lol. I mean, I am human and that is part of being human. It does hurt when I see this guy caring about virtual strangers and apparently caring not for me... I will still be here for him, yes, but it does hurt. It is a natural response.

Also, It is insane that there is a connection there, yet not a connection? The last two days, he has just told me, he has been feeling very ill. So have I..we have both been sleeping in the day today...he has been worried, and it affects my emotions even though I dont know he is worried about things...why is this happening? It is actually very disruptive for me, because I am a uni student and felt so poor I had to take a day off!! And part of me knew he was feeling ill too.

I think spiritual connections are amazing, but not so amazing when you are feeling the bad as well as the good,  

I love his spirit...I mean, when we met, I was not explosively drawn to his physical self...but later, I was oddly. I feel his spirit and it is a beautiful spirit and is not the same as the person I interract with on a daily basis, if that makes sense...?

Too confusing.

Kate xxx

[jilola]

It gets frustrating sometimes, when you are working so hard on yourself, trying to achieve this unconditional love, and seem to be getting nowhere!

I gather from your replies that you still seek confirmation of your love of yourself in others. In the post from which I took the quote you relate your love to a male (who apparently isn't you).

Love the people around you and expect no return. Those who love you on their own accord are the ones you should hang on to. Those who don't you should still love and gently nudge toward loving without expectation.

When it's all been said and done, you cannot earn love. You cannot do anything to warrant love. All you can do is love.

to quote Rastus:

You can't measure your life by how another feels about you. That discounts any of your own self worth. Which brings us back to Loving yourself first.

2cents & L&L
Jouni

[Graelwyn]

The Great Wall of China was not built in a day, Jouni. According to backgrounds and past experiences and length of time of harbouring hatred for oneself, it can take a very long time to achieve this unconditional love. Which is what I was saying. Also, there are not many humans who do not like the idea of being loved by another. Look around you, look at the various posts, look at problem pages. Humanity's greatest desire seems to be to be loved.

Kate xx

[jilola]

It wasn't. But you are not building it, you're defining who you are.
Your life is about choices. And one of the choices is to see why you should love yourself instead of seeing why you should hate yourself. That takes in instant even if reaching that instant may take time.

People want to be loved but they don't want to love. Therein is the problem. To love unconditionally is a choice and very difficult to maintain.

Just remember that you choose who you are.

2cents & L&L
Jouni

[Graelwyn]

I wish to love, and at times be loved back. It is not important that all I love love me back. I continue to love others regardless of whether they love me back, either way, but that does not mean that part of me doesn't still wish the love were returned.

Many view unconditional love as an impossible to reach myth, and one must ask, where is it written that humans are meant to love unconditionally?

Kate xxx

[Chimerae]

BECAUSE your signature says "I Spread My Wings And Brush Ten Thousand Worlds, try this on for a fit.

It's not the whole picture, but for mediums, it might make the whole picture clearer because it's a view from a mostly unseen facet of the jewel of the real.

When I'm "in the zone" (if you know what I mean) love doesn't look like a verb but rather a noun.  Love just IS.  "In the zone" it seems to me that it's one of the handful of primal forces.  

When I then look at the human experience of love, it becomes a verb.  I think that's because it's one of the places where our linear material existance crosses over and completely synchs up with the non material so that, even within our incarnate moments, the Universe is whole and complete.

No wonder Love turns us upside down and inside out and we can never quite understand it.  

When I look closer (still in the zone) at individual human experiences of love I see a handful of different but related things that all come down to ONE simple pattern.  

Something about the combination of one human presentation to another human presentation in a particular time and place allows everything to line up just so and The Door opens and Love -- real Love, the noun, that primal force is present to the absolute degree that that particular human combination can manage.

I always see it like a really complex  combination lock lining up for some reason and the door coming open.

We never REALLY understand it, but if we are lucky we learn a handful of different patterns that will get us THERE from where ever HERE is.  For some lucky people, it's a soul mate.  Friend or lover or sibling or whatever, it doesn't matter.  It's just that with that particular combination, we know that between the two of us and the material world, we can hit the combination and get that door open so Love can come through.

It's really nice when that's and equal balanced give and take relationship where both people take care of each other beautifully.  That does actually happen.  But it's not what it's all about.  It's getting to the Force that is Love and being able to tune into THAT primal energy effectively without hitting all the other primals.

But because of human history and sociology and psychology and conditioning and a hundred thousand other threads that make up our pattern in any moment -- each thread, just a thread but in braided combination a Net of the Now so strong and tightly woven that it takes some kind of hero to move independant of it -- We often discover our partners that can open the doorway to Love (the noun) are puzzle pieces that match our woundedness.  And then Love heals our wounds and our partner no longer quite work.  We have to then choose between this human experience of Love (the verb) and growth and development -- yet another but different expression of Love (the noun)  

I hate it when that happens.  

On the other hand, when you experience Love as one of the primal forces enough times and through enough disparate and surprising combinations, sometimes something goes "click" in the linear human understanding and you recognize that Love (the noun) is always there always available, and you start to understand that you can learn to just dance the combinations to keep The Door open or to open it from where ever you find yourself.

So, when people say "Love Yourself" that really is A right answer, even though it's not as much The Right Answer as it sounds.  If you can Love Yourself -- GREAT!  If you can't, love (the verb) everything you can to the degree that you are able and just let love show up and teach you how to close the distances you can't quite do today.