(Deep Breath)
Hi all, this is my first post so please be kind.
I have a problem of sorts, and I have no idea of what it means. Ultimately theres so much to explain but 'll limit it down as best I can.
I'm a third year English student at a university in England, 20 y/o. Now, we all know what is to be expected when one goes to Uni. Drink, Drugs, Debauchery, Highly philosophical chats and poor living conditions. It's been one of the most radical life changing experiences I've ever gone through, but what do I know, I'm only young. Anyway, it was round about Easter of this year when I experimented with MDMA. Yes, I know, Naughty Naughty, but it was such a positive experience, I spent the entire night talking about all these philosophical truths which I had been recently reading, and for some reason, they just.... sunk in, I could feel it, like opening my eyes to the world, truly, for the first time. Misguided you might say, but theres something about drugs which pertains me to say, they can open the door, but they are not the way.
Anyway, so I start developing synchronicity. As I began to explore the possibility of rediscovering God in my life (who I had largely, repressed, I suppose as a result of bullying, and a tragic heartbreak - largely the reason why I felt I had to search for myself [and accordingly a relationship to God], to find true happiness), I started asking questions. And it was like the answers fell from the sky, books, tv, movies, conversations, they all seemed relevant to the questions I was asking, and I can't tell you how comforting that was. I started reading about C G Jung and his theories of Self, Shadow, Anima etc, the Fisher king myth, myths in general, kundalini, the bible, sections of the qu'ran, and generally every piece of religious, philosophical and or transformative information I could find. In my youth I remember reading about 2012, 11:11 and in rediscovering it, is how I came to find this website.
Anyway, one evening, I was lying in bed, and I felt this huge surge of warm energy in my groin region, it raced up my spine and I just remember this voice, just before it happened, saying don't worry, its still you, just a brand new you. It sounded a bit like me I guess. Next thing I know, Nirvana, or what I can relate to as experiencing my "Self". Accordingly, I woke up and it was like heaven on Earth. Happiness all round, no desire to sin, only help to my fellow humankind.
It lasted for, I don't know how long, but it came to pass that ultimately, I fell victim again to one of my age old addictions, masturbation. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I did. I felt the happiness leave me immediately. Now, one can assume, from my point of view, that my first reaction is, "Oh God, I'm damned". Made me very depressed. So it comes to pass that I'm still smoking weed, and still getting a funny tingling sensation in my head. I had started hallucinating at some certain nights that I was stoned. "Quit the stuff", I hear you cry, but I am a man, a boy, a fool if you ask me, and I've still got a lot to learn. So one night, watching The Machinist with a friend of mine, it gets to the scene where the guy imagines himself going into the fairground ride Highway to Hell. Now as I'm watching this I see an eye, from above the tv. It kind of, goes into my head. I can't really remember it to show you, and I've tried looking for it. Now I'm scared the bejesus out of my wits.
Lying in bed at night, still stoned. I hear a voice, its like, laughing evilly, and laughs as I'm trying to pray to get rid of it. I ask it who it is, it sais its Satan, come for my soul. Now, feeling like Faust at the last I'm summoning all my strength not to let the same kind of experience happen, to not submit. It lasts all night and I seemed to be losing. Just as I'm exhausted, this light kind of appears over me, a plant with four leaves, green, floating on the water. She (for she spoke) said, "leave him alone guys its not fair" and I felt very reassured after that, the negativity just seemed to fly away.
Reflecting on this, I read in C G Jung's Man and his Symbols that in life there are 3 'sublime' encounters with the self, usually happens around mid life crisis (the first I guess, not for me apparently). It takes on 3 different guises each time, first - Guardian Angel, second, the devil, and third, Death.
So a few months pass, and I'm daily hearing negative voices, as well as positive ones. The negative ones keep reminded me of my past sins, or the one I am ashamed of the most. By chance, I discover this website at the same time, and buy the book "our ultimate reality" and a load of guides on how to tame the "shadow" as it were. I fight the negative voices by replacing them with my own positive affirmations. Some days I seem to be trouble free, some days they wont p off. Usually they come when I think of a friend, who happens to be quite natural and claims she has telepathy, i.e a certain level of mind feeling or reading. I guess these 'negative voices' are trying to reveal my past in a way that will damage me, or so I think. The best tactic for me seems to be repeating In the name of Jesus Christ leave. A lot of the times my body is affected too, I feel like energies/things are dropping out of my root chakra, or it feels like me bum more like, makes me immensely paranoid, if you get my drift, even though theres nothing material physical happening.
After getting into meditation, and practising a meditation on chakras (again, I was stoned earlier in the day but not in the evening) and then.... I'm lying in bed, and I feel this energy draw up from my root chakra, it goes right to my throat, it curled around, and I had to breath - I could feel prana almost, it was definatly a different kind of breathing, I feel almost paralysed, but not, just airy I suppose. I close my eyes, and see a body, a mirror, filling up with the colours of chakra energy, it corresponds with how I feel physically. I hear a voice - "chakras activating" or something (yeh, I'm getting suspicious by this point too) and a light illuminates around me, gold, almost latticelike. I'm supposed to read that my aura has been "re-energised" but I don't know what to believe at this point.
So it comes to today, I've had insomnia for the last 3 days. No sleep at all. I'm still smoking (although I am making plans to maybe give up, but when I smoke it just seems like the veil is lifted and I can see all the answers that I don't normally pick up on... dunno, strange), and then loads of energies descend to my root, I'm getting all shivery, and I make my way back from a friends house cos I cant feel it. Whiteing out, in local terminology lol. The voice comes, and I presume the same 'sublime' event is expected to happen again, but since the third one is supposed to appear as the reaper, I don't wanna go through with this. I come onto this website, and hear about 'negs'. Now, I dont know much about the spiritual world as I'd like to believe. I believe, nay, 'know' it exists but I can't project, im not telepathic and in general I abuse my body like the rest of the students, I'm not sexually promiscuos anymore, because I believe its a divine marriage and shouldnt be abused (yet I still am sometimes compelled to masturbate, hypocrite or what).
I ask this presence who it is, three times. He replies "I am you", which in a way is my problem, do I believe it is or isn't. After a fourth time it stopped, and I see some more hallucinations, not clear, but a three headed snake, and maybe two things, looked like fish type creatures, circling round a bubble. I don't know what to make of all this, so maybe somebody here can help. I don't know any psychics or aura readers or anybody like that round here. Would baptism or joining a religion help? My faith in God is unshakeable, I know it all will work out in the grand scheme of all life ever, and that comforts me, but at the same time I fear for my own life.
To a large part, I'm taking the stepts to devote myself to a spiritual cause, I can just feel its me, although its purpose, and my purpose, I know not. My lifes work is now devoted to bringing to life some work which will encompass philosophies, my experiences, spirituality and the like. Maybe a concept album lol. In due time however, I know this will mean making a choice. Giving up drugs or not, although if anyone can shed some light on the following article -http://www.erowid.org/plants/cannabis/cannabis_spirit2.shtml I'd be very greatful as to what you think on this too. Drugs are definatly not an intended part of my life after university,
So. Here is my request for healing and advice, what the f in blazes is going on with me? and can you please help and pray for a poor soul in need of guidance, both to give up his convictions and to shed light on these strange events taking place in my life. Its taking me all of my courage to press the post button, because I realise in some respects I must sound like a paranoid schizophrenic, but I've seen too much to say that that is just it. I know its something more. So please, any comments are welcome. And sorry for making you read so much.
Yours humbly.
Phil.
That was an excellent first post.
My advice is to stop smoking the herb. Between the insomnia and drug use you are headed for an 'immersive' experience which could be more intense and prolonged than you'd like.
It seems to me like you are becoming aware of your seperate 'selves', and now you can hear what they're 'saying'. You have distinguished them from one another, so you hear them as seperate things. They were always there before, affecting your life, but now you can just hear them directly. It is probably from the drugs, it's just too bad you hear the negative side as well as the positive side. Perhaps if you learn to push away and ignore the negative side of you, and just listen to the positive, this would be an advantage. But it's probably not worth the physical negative effects of smoking marijuana. You may hear the negative thoughts or voices because you are so ashamed of masturbating. Somewhere deep in your mind you feel you deserve to be hearing these voices, because you are afraid of sinning, as you love God.
I think you should stop doing drugs, try concentrating on what the positive voices have to say, and try even harder to push away the negative ones.
This ebook might help:
http://www.gnosisonline.org/Biblioteca/en_books/Revolutionary_Psychology.zip
You should do this more often. You're receiving this sensorial flood and gotta find out how to get some of this off your chest.
Write it all down, your impressions of the day, ideas, random thoughts, draw something unintelligible.
First of all, thanks to all of you for your help, its been tremendously insightful. I'm still not out of the woods just yet but I know I'm making progress. Since I've been concentrating on the positive the bad thoughts seem to only try and catch me off guard, and are faint. I'll keep you posted on how it turns out. I'm keen to know what was meant in regard to an immersive experience, in the labrynthe of the human psyche that I'm in it would be helpful to know what pitfalls to avoid.
Phil
Being awake is an immersive experience, in that you can't enter another state of consciousness without effort. When you stay awake too long, the opposite problem occurs -- you are unable to maintain a normal state of consciousness. Three days without sleep is long enough to give most people hallucinations. This (http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p980301b.html) website has more information.
Your post makes me think you have had a kundalini awakening that you were not entirely ready for. There are people that have had it and have been able to deal with it. I suggest you read up on the phenomenon and maybe find support with people that have had the experience. Almost all the symptoms you describe fit in this category.
Right on, thanks for your help guys. Time to get on the straight and narrow.