I am consciousness. I am consciousness trapped in the animated corpse known as my human body. :-P I feel completely dissociated with it, too. When looking in the mirror, even, I'll sit there going "Is that me?"
I always have just felt so alien to myself. The fact that I'm here, or that anything is here, really, confuses me and sometimes sets me off into paranoid oblivion. I'll start feeling like I'm in The Matrix (the movie) or Plato's Allegory of the Cave. I hate being depressed or scared of the paradox of all that is. I feel like I know so much and yet so little.
Sometimes, I'll start feeling like I'm just a simulation or will just get so confused over consciousness in itself. You'd think that my OBEs, astral projections, 20+ sleep paralysis incidents, lucid dreams, telepathic dreams, and supernatural encounters with various entities would bring me closer than ever to the source or my higher self. Yet, it seems that its at times when I'm most closest to the source, that my ego starts to fight back, hard.
For example: I spent a long time meditating, doing chakra exercises, and trying to work out my karmic issues, and I felt so happy at the end of it all! I felt like I was in complete and utter bliss. I felt closer to my true self and closer to the universe and god. Then, I got into a silly argument with someone, and the way I reacted and the rage I expressed was so shallow and the antithesis of anything good or godly, and it just made me feel completely depleted. I kept telling myself that I had been making such a conscious effort to become spiritual, and yet, I behaved in such a way that was far from it. I tend to beat myself up over accumulating more bad karma than good, and, I have a bit of an issue forgiving myself for it.
I just feel like if I could shut up my ego, I'd stop questioning things so much and would just go with what I already know. I know that I will never know what is truly out there until I die and cross over to the other side. Why I let it gnaw my brain out is beyond me. I believe in the astral, and in the supernatural, and yet instead of accepting things 100% for what they are, I will sit here, letting myself get depressed over everything in life that falls into the "I don't know" category. I literally am phobic of existence because I cannot fathom it. Does that make me sound nutty? :-P
...in other words, you are Human! :-)
Not at all. You're questioning this fabric of reality. You are here within it and it isn't everything as you get out of it too. The difference is the echoes of subconcious memories previous to physical existence.
We read of shadow memory, understand the basics, still not letting things click. The brain is an interpreter, a format convertor of the gained memories from the physical which are stored elsewhere. Once departed these memories are with us again, along with others we have no recall of. Dreams are echoes between the two worlds, done for one world and read in the other.
Now do you still think you're losing it or nutty?
I hope not, your questioning is intelligence.
Yeah mirrors. Portals to other worlds, have always been used for that purpose, too many years. Little ones are ok.
SP can't help you with, Im immune or something, noises Id guess around ten thousand occurrences at night. Bit more than twenty, hell Im getting old...
Stull think your nutty?
I hope you get the picture. You're fine. The meat sack doesn't last long enough, mines lasted over fifty years and still very mobile. Needs to last at least another hundred.
You control your ego. Stop and count to ten. Familiarise yourself with the bliss from deep meditation and the anger is driven out. The shadow wasted by a toy flashlight, that sort of thing. When you reach ten you'll not be angry. Youll feel better for it after. A sort of pride that you did well.
Read from the beginning again. This time you'll see plenty of funny things you missed the first time.
You'll be happier too. :wink:
Thanks for your response!
So, are you basically saying that I need to heal by just learning to shut off those shadow memories, which hold on to negativity or fear?
Who the heck knows what happened to me before my physical existence. As a child, I was scared of everything from T-Rexes to aliens to being completely terrified of the dark. :-P
As I've grown up, some, I've come to realize that all of the bad does stay with me, but I need to just learn how to make it shut up.
Part of me will always be slightly wary of the dark. Why? Perhaps the darkness scared me in another life or at another time.
My fear of monsters and the boogeyman (childish fears) have mostly been replaced with fears of bad karma and of failing... something. What am I so scared of failing? Of course, this too, is probably deep rooted in most humans because when we fail or do "bad things", these too are stored with us and stay with us forever. I sometimes can feel the negative fears of failure and of bad karma and of bad times spent elsewhere, pushing down on me in this incarnation. Do I know it's all an illusion and that I am the only one holding on to such stigmas? Yes. Yes I do. :-P
I am smart in the sense that part of me is rational enough to overcome such things and let it not hinder my spirit. On the other hand, sometimes, I do start feeling like that little girl who was afraid of the dark, again. Except, like I said, most of my fears now just pertain to negativity itself. I guess that does make me "human" as another post above mine stated, but sometimes, like I said, I just feel so alien and not human.
It's much like feeling like you're in the wrong body and need a sex change operation. :-P I know I'm smarter, am more enlightened, and am so much better than imaginable, but the "human" side of me with its darned emotions and the fears it has harbored really depress me sometimes and kill my spirit. I really need to just heal myself through positive thinking.
maybe try let the anger and emotions happen, don't take the blame for it but step out of your"self" when it happens and look at it from the outside, become the observer observing your ego acting this way, this helps in overcoming emotional outbreaks faster (or should)...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=aqX5IFKYFWk
8-)
Can't watch YT at the moment but hope this says enough.
Its all part of everyone. The good and the bad. The times when we are between sleep and waking we enter our personal reality. Its thought based and encompasses ALL the mindsets within. You can feel scared, its the most prominent base emotion. The same onte that works survival in the animal kingdom.
You need to understand that thoughts can run away with you here, the same way they do while in SP. The cure is realisation. They are not real, its a reflection playing out within. We know reflections are virtual and therefore don't really exist. Ignore what you can and then a resistance to these effects will follow. You are in control in reality so be YOURSELF. Its the same as developing awareness to make a dream lucid, once done its understood.
You then lose the feelings and create peace within yourself.
Thanks guys. I'm watching the youtube video as we speak.
I guess I do need to just understand that I'm flawed, moody, sometimes get angry, and flat out dramatic and overly emotional, but hey, that's the ugly side of me that I must learn to combat.
Thing is, I'm just tired of letting it ruin every relationship I've ever had.
You could say that I don't respond well to trauma or people insulting my character because I've had too much verbal abuse in my life. Sometimes, people will see how upset I get or how much I'll let some "fluffy" little emotional dramas bother me, and they'll just tell me to "get over it" or "stop being a baby" when in reality, I'll be feeling so tortured inside that they have no idea.
I'm just very sensitive. Very, very sensitive, and quite frankly, it's been getting on my nerves lately. I feel chained and like I'm bound to my stress and my dramas and my overly sensitive personality. I want to be able to get to the point where the whole world could call me crazy and stupid and I'd just be able to be "Meh. Your point is?" instead of crawling into a corner and crying about it.
Note: I just want to thank everyone for not telling me to just get over it like the rest of the world has. Everytime I try to talk about feeling psychologically tortured by my past mistakes/just blaming myself in general, people around me always just laugh and tell me to be glad I'm not starving in some third world country or something of that sort. It seems that a LOT of people I know brush off emotional pain or just tell me to go see a shrink. My life hasn't been the worst life out there but it hasn't been the most blessed one, either. I'm so glad that the people on here don't judge and are much more open to helping someone out in need.
I definitely have some health issues but it's nothing that needs healing seeing as I'm stuck with it indefinitely. I have a nervous system problem where my fight/flight reflexes are off. My body constantly produces more adrenaline than the average person, so I'm often stuck feeling very worked up and on edge. I produce several hormones in copious amounts and have some problems regulating my hormones/body chemistry/brain chemistry, etc. For example, I am a female but produce too much testosterone. This can result in you being on edge. I also produce too much adrenaline. Also can result in someone feeling on edge. I produce other things in large amounts, too, it's part of my autonomic nervous system disorder. A side effect is depression and high anxiety. I swear I have all the key characteristics of borderline personality disorder, as well. Basically, I'm aware that a lot of this is just my body's own funk. A lot of times, mentally, I won't even be as torn apart over an issue as I will be physically boiling over it, where my heart will start hitting 160 beats per minute and I'll go into a physical panic attack, which will lead me into a mental panic attack.
You shouldn't be judged for your honesty. The outside world of greed and selfish attitude can't offer help, just ridicule. Its obvious you're surrounded by this and hate it.
The sensitivity you have is in need of fine tuning.
Look at things that affect you where they are really of no immediate concern personally. Things that don't invade your space or shouldn't and try to look past them as a I'll do it later.
See if this can be done easily, its a scratch on the surface and a push in the right direction.