Dark poem

[LittleJoe]

After reading a post here by Goober, I thought I should give writing a try. As I found his very good.

Anyways I've never done anything of the sort, so i'd like some feedback on how to improve. It came out darker as I expected, I'm usually quite a happy person, don't know where this came from

Anyways here it is:

As darkness descends upon me
From the starless sky
I expect nothing but pandemonium

Cursed visions haunt my waking hours
And cast a pale light of understanding
On what little i have left

Twisted nightmares disturb my sleep
And linger on inside me
Driven me beyond despair

Sliding ever deeper in the swirling vortex
Created by my own sick mind
Slowly losing sanity
A contract of damnation, that i myself have signed

Could't find a moment of peace
Like bare feet on hot desert sand
Couldn't even remember how i got this way
As I died by my own hand



And another one:



I entered winter once again
But this time shall be the last
My final confrontation with the past

Decrepit body's lay beneath the icy surface
Fulfilling their final purpose
To remind he whoever passes here
That so shall his

A thousand corpses well preserved
Of those condemned from birth
And although they came from all corners of the earth
One thing they shared, and one thing alone
They had an ending, well deserved

And now I too shall meet this fate
For living my live in seething hate
And I too came here to clean the slate
For this icy hell, is where final judgment is received
A place where the gods debate

Terrified to my very soul, the final steps I now take
And there sat a terrible creature, spawned forth from the frozen lake
It let out a schreeching howl, and a devastating rake
And shred me to pieces, as They had decided
It did not take Them long to decide my sake

And so I too, was buried beneath the icy earth
As I was too, condemned from birth
And so I too, had an ending well deserved


And yet again, a fair judgment was served

[Selski]

Hi LittleJoe

I haven't read the second one yet, but read the first one a few days ago.  It is really very good and appeals to me greatly - I confess I love 'miserable' stuff!! 

How did you write it - what I mean is as you are normally a happy person, where did this come from?  Did you put yourself in that position and write as a suicide?  Did you go into trance?  'Tis fascinating.  Keep writing - you have potential. 

Sarah

[LittleJoe]

Thanks

Well, I have this kinda thing. I can put myself in any mood usually via photographic memory. I'm not sure how, but I can think back of a place where I have been (in this case a dark/depressing place) and it makes me feel that way. Kind of like "think of a happy place" in reverse

[Embodied Words]

Well, it seems to me that if you live your life as a generally happy person, you will of course get stuff bottled up inside you. That's why even though I'm normally a really nice, lovable kinda guy, I have the hardest time writing love songs. But I can sit down and spew out a dozen or so angry songs whenever I feel the need. ^.^

Btw, I read both of your poems. VERY good job. The second one reminds me of Dante's Inferno. Ya know the very last ring of hell was all ice, and the devil was there? Nice imagery.

[semisentient]

Wow! These are awesome!

I too am a generally a happy person... mostly on the outside.

What I mean is, there was a time when I was much more of a positive and happy person overall, and back then, reading these words would have felt intimately familiar to me, because I used to experience similar feelings.

These are great. Thank you for posting them!

[LittleJoe]

Thanks all