LIFE-a poem.

[Graelwyn]

Would appreciate input on this...it is only poem I have written that had not felt as though it came of my own mind  

LIFE-                JUNE 2002.


Time passes its shadows over all those who wait
Patiently for the stars, infinitely vivid, infinitely
Eternal in their obscure nature of light.
Lost reason, as the maggot gnaws perpetually
On the flesh of thought, removing by careful
Segmentation the philosophy of logic.


History extends the catechlismic split of desolate
Waters, stagnant in black blood of ancestry,
Destructive beneath the hand of Mars.
Nature writhes in the discontented passions
Humanity spews, as the blind vision betrays
The eye of long forgotten wisdom.


Life ravages it's spectral watchers as the clock
Fragments, splintering faces to reconstruct
Gargoyles of nightmare's creation.
Night ventures forth to obscure the forsaken
Sinews of limbs, outstretched in prayer
To the prodigal son of creation.


Death deconstructs the hollow vessel of birth's
Substance, infested by reality's maggot,
Drowned in the cloak of knowledge.
Time curses itself as the universe observes
Humanity's fatal flaw; knowledge thirsts
As persists the decay of progress.


Kate x

[Meg]

Hi Kate,

Its interesting - I love some of the line breaks and phrasing. Particularly the unusual ones like:

"by careful / segmentation the philosophy of logic."

I also like the conclusiveness in the end of each stanza.

It's incredibly abstract, so sometimes your metaphors get a bit thick to read. But this is very a la Romantic poets; its nice.

You say you feel like it didn't come out of you. What do you mean?

Meg x

[Graelwyn]

Hi Meg, well, being a spiritualist, and believing in life after death, I suppose I mean, I sometimes feel as though this poem came from somewhere other than my own mind, ie-  spirit. The reason for this is that none of my other poems are stylistically similar to this one, and this particular poem was penned in about 10-15 minutes and seemingly rolled out of me... maybe I was just having a good day!

Yes, it is very abstract...usually, I tend towards more emotive poems, which is another reason I said it feels as tho it didnt come from me.

Kate xx

[Meg]

Ten minutes - Wow! Its bloody good for being that spontaneous!

I take a ridiculously long time to write (sometimes 20 hours for one poem) - but I think my perfectionism is more of a hindrance than anything. Ironically, my best poems are usually the ones I've spent less time on.

Do you mind giving me some feedback on one than has been torturing me for months?

I'm really not happy with the nutsing home bit - the rhythm is all wrong - its too jumbled or something. I think I've tried to tackle too much and I should edit some of it out. Whch parts woulsd you suggest?

Meg


*DYNASTY*

Most of all,
I remember the bottle
that played music.
The last means of an old man
to enchant children.

Great-grandfather.

It was always afternoon
in that house. An eerie sunlight
coming up from the lake,
my mother's grandmother
feeding us ice-cream
wedged between wafers.

Two boys, she'd had,
but only one was left by then:
The bachelor uncle, who made
aeroplanes from balsa wood.

In my memory they have
a private jetty on the lake.

It's become a dream.


Years later, we went to see her
in the nursing home.
The old house was sold
by then; my aunts fought
for the bottle.

Nothing left.

I remember being horrified
by the noises: A teaspoon
scraping food from her chin
back into her mouth,
her grey tongue that sucked
but wouldn't stay in.

And afterwards,
my mother and I
standing still in the garden,
holding each other.

The first born daughters
of a dead family.

Always the tears making us close.

[Graelwyn]

Hi again, to be honest, the only thing I personally would change in this poem is the line,

'Years later, we went to see her' ...and then I would simply change it to 'years later, I saw her'...that is the only line that looks to break the rhythm to me.

I think it is a splendid poem! You should be very proud of yourself...the nursing home part is very emotive and your imagery throughout the poem is great! I love it!

Kate xxx

[BirdManKalki]

Kate You are absolutly Amazing, beyond description in words, and thats saying somthing.