I write poems when I'm bored. I thought I'd post one or two just to get an opinion. Critisism doesn't hurt me so feel free to say what ever you'd like about it.
We Made Him This Way
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Sunday morning choir sings
into the streets their voices ring.
Lonely black man passes by,
Let's out a forlorn heavy sigh.
Believes the good Lord has forgotten
a man whose good heart has turned rotten.
He's bitter, angry with it all.
He hides his feelings, lest he fall.
His life's a useless empty shield.
His cuts and wounds, they never healed. Anyone on this road that travels,
eventually will come unravelled.
This man was not a lunatic
The world had simply made him sick.
He took his gun and shot the preacher,
choir director, Sunday school teacher.
Weapon aimed at another's head,
He turned and shot himself instead.
Learn a lesson from his fate,
Let's rid this hardened world of hate.
This one doesn't have a title.
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A fiery hatred engulfs her young heart.
A troubled life ahead of her lies.
A situation that eventually tore her apart,
Because we ignored her loud desperate cries.
She's alone yet the invisible voices
Abiding inside of her head
Torture her about her past choices
And torment her for the life that shes lead.
Alone in a world full of people,
she's beginning to understand,
That her hopes and dreams, so weak and feeble,
Will never turn out how she'd planned.
The air outside is cold
But not as cold as what's in her heart.
Her end now begins to unfold.
A knife; Cold, shiny, and sharp.
But the voice of a child hits her ears.
"Mommy, please put down the knife."
As the blade falls so do her fears.
On the day that her son saved her life.
I also dabble a bit in poems. I think your verbs could use some work. Far too many of your verbs are too abstract. Remember verbs make the poem, adjectives destroy it.
You should check out Varner-LaPrade's poem it is really filled with great verbs.
WOW, that first one was quite poignant in my opinion. I could feel this 'shivery' sensation travel up my back, neck and back of head. THAT is how I know if it is good. Oh and isn't that so true?