The Watchers: wrote a book... Anyone wanna take a look?

[ChopstickFox]

I was just wondering, would anyone be interested in reading a book that I wrote? It's not published, but I think I'm gonna go for it once the second book is finished. I'm part way through it right now, but I'm having a little trouble kick starting myself into finishing it.

It is juvenile fiction and while it has some darker tones in it, it also has a good bit of comedy. The title is "The Watchers". The genre is somewhere between Science Fiction and Fantasy.

The story takes place a few hundred years after a mysterious plague wiped out most of Earth's population. The city of Utopia is led by a religious figure who had erected a large wall around the land, protecting the citizens from the dangerous world outside where they can still see the dilapidated sky scrapers of an older, forbidden age. It is believed that to punish humans for their sins, the plague and demons were unleashed upon the world, technology being one of the largest culprits. Needless to say, most modern technology has been purged entirely, but nothing can completely stamp out curiosity.

When Oliver's friend Max shows him a contraption called a camera, he knows that whatever his friend is planning, he's not going to like it. Despite being forbidden to cross the wall, the two kids go to see for themselves if monsters are real... and they get a bit more than they bargained for.

Please let me know if you would like to read it and I will email it. It is a very easy read and I have gotten positive responses so far. Oh, and the whole thing was written in composition books as I worked at a call center. That's why it is dedicated to Hallmark Customer Service.

[ChopstickFox]

So... decided to add the prologue and first chapter in case anyone wanted to see...

EDIT: HAHA! The filter changed a few words. You'll probably notice when you come across them.


This book changes point of view. Please take note at the beginning of each chapter which character is speaking.


Prologue

[Penelope]

   Sometimes it was a major bummer that my parents made me volunteer at the Cathedral after school. Seriously, I could have been doing much cooler things than hanging out with a bunch of old ladies called Sisters and cleaning creepy stone statues.
   Creepy stone statues called gargoyles that pigeons absolutely loved for some unknown reason.
   Call my parents old fashioned, wanting to pay homage to the church and all that, but I knew their real motivation: they just wanted to torture me.
   Okay, maybe that was a little over the top of an assumption, but there had to be a better way to keep them happy without ruining my afternoons.
   I made an exceptionally sour looking face at the scowling horned statue beside me and once satisfied with my performance, swept the last of the bird gunk off the edge of the balcony.
   "Don't need to worry about you telling on me, do I?" I grinned at the statue, enjoying my small act of rebellion.
   A small sacrifice to pay. Otherwise I would have needed to carry the dust pan down four flights of stairs to throw it away properly. That certainly wasn't about to happen if I had any say in it. What was I? Free labor? My friends were coming over at six and I required at least two hours to prepare.
   Taking a small well deserved break, I leaned back against the stone wall and forced my fingers through my frizzy red hair. The wind outside was really doing a number on it. Nature, how dare you.
   "Perhaps the statues aren't as deaf and silent as they seem." An old woman's cryptic voice seemed to materialize out of nowhere on the far side of the balcony. Suddenly realizing that I wasn't alone, I nearly jumped out of my skin in surprise.
   "Sister Annie!" Reality snapped me back to my senses. I was so dead! I clutched my broom pathetically. "It really isn't how it looks!" Okay, yes, it actually was exactly how it looked and now I was lying to a Sister. "I was framed!" A bit too much?
   The woman in her black and white robe smiled, the lines of age tracing her face. "You say that as if I never tried the same thing when I was your age, Penelope."
   What, a hundred years ago? I frowned, wisely holding my tongue. But if she was laughing then maybe she didn't care. If she didn't care she wouldn't tell my parents. I might be spared their wrath after all! My heart soared.
   Sister Annie was one of the oldest Sisters in the Cathedral. It was a special title for the women who helped run the services, heal the sick, and make sure volunteering teenagers like me didn't slack off. Normal Cathedral duties. One day my sister or I would join the drudgery.
   She guided my gaze to the Great Wall on the edge of Utopia. Usually it was too far to see from this distance, but the extraordinary height of the Cathedral allowed us to look over everything else. You could really see all of Utopia from here.
   "The real danger is out there beyond the borders. Not some dust on old stone," she shared, gesturing wisely into the distance.
   Already growing bored and twisting a tiny braid in my red hair, I humored her by pretending to pay attention. I didn't want to get in trouble, after all.
   "You mean the demons that nearly took out humanity, right?" I fought to not roll my eyes, but it proved difficult.
   The woman released a quiet sigh and turned to look into my eyes. I guess I made it pretty obvious that I didn't eat up everything I was told. "Every generation, less people believe. Don't tell me you don't either."
   "It's not exactly that..." I searched for the most diplomatic answer. "But come on. Demons? Isn't that a bit farfetched? No one alive has even seen one before. Besides the Abbot, of course."
   My answer seemed to have disappointed her. "You young ones are too skeptic to believe in what you can't see."
   Maybe, but it was more that we just didn't care. "It just doesn't concern us, I guess." I picked at a nail. If only I had a file on me... "I mean, sure there are the empty cities, all that talk about chaos and the rapture, but the whole thing was generations ago. The biggest impact it has on my life is when my teacher sneaks in a question about it on a pop quiz."
   "It doesn't concern you that the walls might one day fall and we will face the threat once again?" She raised an eyebrow, a serious look on her face.
   The comment made me burst out laughing. "Sister, are you pulling my leg? The Abbot would keep us safe, of course!" Realizing that Sister Annie was actually being serious, I snapped my mouth shut and stared off at the distant Great Wall. "Well... yeah," I defended. "Abbot Natas was there when the Old World fell and he saved everyone that was still alive from the Black Death. You know, that plague that was killing everything and everyone. Named it after an earlier plague that killed off a bunch of humans ages before that." There was silence as the old woman kept staring at me like I had an extra arm. "See, at least I know some history!"
   Out of genuine concern, I stepped closer to Sister Annie and watched as she turned back towards the wall, her face looking older than before, now that she was serious. Her usual smile had been replaced with a sort of contemplative sadness.
   "Of all people, you ought to agree," I continued, "Anyone gifted by God to live hundreds of years and save humans from extinction must be pretty high up on your list of awesome."
   I couldn't get myself to relax until her smile returned to her face. Her gray eyes lit up and she nodded. "Of course, my child. I don't mean to allude to any laps of faith in the Abbot. Just... so many stories swim around in my old mind and it is sometimes difficult to chase away the shadows."
   "Yeah, we're lucky enough to have our savior practically in our back yards." I grinned widely. "To think any different would be as crazy as... well... One of these hunks of rock coming to life!" I roughly slapped the scowling statue beside me and took another good look at it.
   It was such an ugly monster with its sharp teeth and curved horns. I never understood why the Cathedral was decorated with the gross things.
   "The gargoyles, you mean." The woman smiled and carefully rested a hand on one of the statues many claws. "The Watchers of the Cathedral. You know the saying: Count the gargoyles..."
   "Cause you'll never know if one's missing," I finished, recognizing the saying. "Old superstition." Regardless, it made me start giggling.
   The infectious laughter affected Sister Annie as well, and for fun, we counted the gargoyles perched on the many balconies and tiered roofs of the Cathedral. All the way up to the top of the belfry, the bell tower.
   I was incredibly surprised that it ended up being nearly as much fun as hanging out with a good friend, never mind the fact that I was actually hanging out with an old lady. But don't tell anyone I said that.
   "This reminds me of back when I was a little kid," I remarked. My sides hurt from laughing so much. We were resting on a bench on the balcony. "My parents used to tell me stories about the statues coming to life. Crazy, I know." I fretted with my hair, still smiling. "They said they would fly down and protect Utopia from demons." Leaving Sister Annie sitting on the bench, I got up and leaned against the stone railing, looking out. "I always thought it was funny that the statues weren't angels. Why gargoyles? Why pick something so ugly and weird then plaster it all over the Cathedral?"
   When she didn't respond I turned around. She was staring off into her own little world again. Spacy today, aren't we? "I'm sorry, Penelope. I seem to have zoned out again."
   "Everything alright?" I asked.
   "Quite alright." She had such a warm smile. One that made me want to run over and give her a big hug. "I'll have to tell you a story about the gargoyles some time. One passed down since the fall of the Old World." She paused as if she was pondering what to say next. "If you are interested in listening to an old hoot like me, that is."
   Despite what you may think, my grin was authentic. "Sure, just promise that you won't tell my friends. I'd never hear the end of it!"
   Sister Annie's eyes twinkled and I was positive that I had just made her day.
   Sometimes volunteering at the Cathedral after school was a bummer, but every so often it was a bit more than tolerable.

   Maybe I should hate Sister Annie for striking my curiosity that day. I could have continued living my life in a wonderful ignorant bliss. After all, wouldn't life be better without discovering that monsters were real?


Chapter 1

[Oliver]

   The minutes weren't ticking by fast enough, but then again, when did class ever end as fast as you wanted it to? It was as if the power of the classroom itself was able to defy time. Or perhaps the power came from the teacher. Certain teachers seemed to have greater powers than others.
   Friday, Friday, gotta get down or some excrement.
   I was zoned out, only half way listening to Mr. Murphy, my history teacher, drone on about something that might have had a bit to do with the so called Spanish and a thing called an Inquisition. I guess no one had expected it or something like that.
   Just another ordinary boring day at high school. Go Utopians! Team spirit and all that crap. Another few excruciating minutes and we would be free for the weekend. Yes, I said we. On cue, my buddy Max pegged me in the back of the head with a piece of paper.
   Special delivery from Mr. Maxwell Johnson. Skillfully dodging Mr. Murphy's periodic glaces from the board, I bent down to snatch the paper, but found it was already gone. Snatched into the void.
   Penelope. Just great. I reluctantly turned, cringing as if she was about to slap me. I was probably safe during a lecture. I was safe, right?
   "Please?" I mouthed.
   The red headed girl waved the paper just out of reach and I grabbed at it like a stupid dog. Why did I put up with such humiliation? Our classmates started giggling and I groaned, embarrassed.
   "Oliver, stop flirting with Miss. Tanner and pay attention up here," Mr. Murphy called from the front.
   More giggling. Of course I was flirting with the only wolverine in the room. I'd rather eat a live piranha. When would I catch a break? I dug my fingers into my dirty blonde mess of hair.
   I heard Penelope unraveling the paper behind me and there was a pause. It must not have been very interesting because after another crumble it decided to have a little reunion with the back of my head.
   With the teacher distracted by a question on the other side of the room, I turned and seized the note before some other jerk could have more fun on my behalf.
   Victory, albeit a small one.
   I unraveled the note as if it was a small treasure. What secrets would my friend bestow upon me at the expense of my fragile masculinity?
   Got something good was all it said.
   That certainly could mean a lot of things. A good book, a good idea, a good recipe, you get the point. Unfortunately when it came to Max, his idea of good tended to imply idiotic, dangerous, and ironically, a ton of fun. Fun in an oh my goodness I am about to crap myself kind of way.
   Most likely, his parents had just finished renovating a piece of Old World technology. It was a hobby of theirs and they shared what they learned with him. Perhaps it wasn't the most legal of hobbies, being that technology was one of the factors that brought down the Old World in the first place, but who really cared besides the big wigs at the Cathedral?
   No harm, no foul.
   I turned back to Max and he gave me an excited thumbs up. I knew that face anywhere. He had a plan that was going to end with me in tears.
   The self appointed Queen of Utopia herself, Penelope, rolled her eyes. I had no idea what Max saw in her, but he totally had a thing for her. I tried my best to stay out of it. She was just a wee bit too stuck up for me so I never tried to hang out. Not like I was high up on her cool people list or anything. I was on her Most Wanted list. Most Wanted to beat up. Yeah... so what if I was afraid of a girl? That girl could kick my butt with her eyes closed.
   I don't know... Maybe there was some unconceited goodness hidden deep down in her frizzy mess of hair, but whatever.
   Unlike Penelope, Max was as easy to read as a book and was brutally honest with strong opinions. He was a pretty big guy with broad shoulders. Built for football, unlike a guy like me that would just get creamed. Not that I was too scrawny myself. Well anyways, Max was the kind of guy that you wouldn't want to intentionally tinkle off. It was a good thing for me that he didn't get ticked off easily.
   In his defense, against the usual stereotypes that went along with big strong guys, he was actually pretty smart. He would have to be to be able to recreate all those Old World gadgets.
   Neither of us were particularly good looking, but we weren't ugly. We were just missing the little special something that other guys had. The popular guys must have had high powered magnets or something. Yeah, that was it. Magnets that attracted women. If we had those we would be golden.
   It didn't help that I lacked any special talents. I was pretty average down the board. Not so bad that people thought negative of me, besides the cheap shots by Penelope, but nothing good enough to make me stand out either. My grades were fine, but nothing special. I guess I was a fast runner, but only because the earlier years of my life were fully dedicated to running away from children higher up on the food chain.
   Hey, this isn't about my low self esteem.
   The bell rang and we were released from our daily torture.
   "Don't forget about the Cathedral's camp that will be going on next week!" Mr. Murphy projected over the over excited students scrambling out of his classroom. "Remember that you will get class credit for your participation!"
   Nope, not for me. Class was boring, but the Cathedral's camp was pretty much the same as recruitment. Although celibacy would be a pretty good excuse if I was never able to attract a woman. I took a mental note.
   "Ha! I wouldn't be caught dead at that thing!" Penelope's voice bored itself into my ear.
   "Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't allow vampires within their walls." I saw an opportunity to bash her and I took it. "Come to think of it, it does kind of feel like my life force is being sucked out of the back of my skull each class."
   Penelope wasn't very appreciative of my comment and after a swift kick to my shin, stormed past.
   Ouch!
   "Not cool, man." It was Max who was packing up his books at his desk. He leaned over to deliver a sharp whisper. "I don't want to be guilty by association. Behave yourself around her, will you?"
   I shrugged and grabbed my own books. "For the record, I personally think of that as a win." With all the losses I had collected, I had to take what I could get.
   As usual, I walked with Max back to his house to see what he had that was so good. He refused to give up any of the juicy details until we were back at his place.
   "So, what's the big news, bro?" I asked, leaning against the old oak tree that stood in his back yard. It was our usual hang out spot. Piles of mostly useless Old World junk were heaped  under large brown tarps to thwart the rain. Only his family, the Johnsons, could see treasure in such a mess. Most of it was rusted and falling apart. Being outside probably didn't help.
   Our houses were in the same area of town. Not the nicest, but not the worst. It was perfect for us. Each family was allotted a place to live depending on how they contributed to Utopia. It was great because everyone had a place to live, unlike in the Old World where some people lived in mansions while others were stuck in old boxes.
   "Told ya I got something good this time..." Max's stubby fingers reached into his pack in search of his latest treasure. "You know those pictures from Old World books, right? The ones that aren't drawn like the ones now."
   My head tilted ever so slightly in response. "You mean like the ones that look like a copy of what we see?"
   "Yeah, those are the ones. At one point, the Old Worlders created little boxes that imprinted the world on paper. The box had a lens like an eye and worked similarly. A mechanical eye." Max always got excited when he spoke of Old Worlder technology. It was like playing with fire. "That's about as cool as those machines called computers that ran off the power of  lightning and stuff!"
   "If you want me to keep talking to you seriously, you're going to have to admit that you don't really believe in those crazy stories." I sighed. "What's next, a box that can heat up food with lightning? They sure liked their boxes, didn't they. Lightning boxes."
   Max scowled and he pulled a small box like object out of his pack. It was a clunky little thing with a shiny smaller box that protruded on top and a cylinder that came out of its long side. Or perhaps that was the front. "Well, it's not exactly lightning that they used, you know," he defended. "And if the Old Worlders didn't have that sort of technology, why would a lot of the technology from that time have long wires with metal forks at the end? They didn't just stick em up their butts."
   I rolled my eyes. "Just don't dwell too much on it. The Clerics wouldn't appreciate it."
   In response, Max grunted. Bringing up the Clerics always made him feel nervous with so much incriminating evidence against his family around. Maybe they were mostly all talk, but it wasn't unheard of to get busted for being too open about possessing Old World technology. After all, there was a good reason for it to be banned.
   The Clerics kept order in Utopia and made sure everyone was following the laws. They made sure everyone was going to church, not beating each other up, brushing their teeth, you get it.
   They were the ones we would turn to if the supposed demons from beyond the Great Wall attacked. If they ever attacked, that is. If they even existed.
   Honestly, the Clerics really kept to their own business unless someone really delved too deep into curiosity regarding the Old World. Hobbyists were usually alright, but they would never stand for someone to downright study it, fearing that the evils that were once stamped out of history would return, dooming our world for a second time. That would kind of suck.
   Putting it that way, it makes it sound like risky business, but Max's family really kept to themselves so no one cared. It's not like they were hurting anyone with their unusual hobby. Under the radar was where they liked to be.
   "Come on, Max. Just show me the thing already," I urged, crossing my arms and trying my best to look unimpressed.
   My friend smiled in response, seeing through my poor acting. He pointed the box so that the glass lens was looking at me.
   "Mr. Oliver Gray, may I have the honor to present my finest piece of work yet!"
   "The suspense is just utterly killing me here." I rolled my eyes, muttering monotonously. "Would you please release me from my torment."
   "They called it a camera," he explained with pride. "This one specifically is a Polaroid. Smile for the birdie!"
   I stared deep into the circle in response. Birdie?
   There was a click as Max pressed a button and the shiny glass box on top exploded with light comparable to a small sun. I yelped in surprise and fell back into the dust, missing the tree I was planning on leaning back against.
   "What?!" I demanded, coughing up dust. "What in the good Abbot's name was that?!" I tried to blink away the purple remnants the light had left on my eyes, momentarily afraid that I would be blinded for the rest of my life. "It's mad, whatever it is!" My heart was pounding and I felt like I had just stared the devil in the face.
   Max was laughing his pants off. The dumb fool! I rolled to my feet to tackle him, but it was like a chihuahua trying to take down a pit bull. In short, it didn't work, but was mildly amusing.
   Still laughing, he pushed me back to the ground with one arm then held up a finger signaling for me to wait a moment. A small flat square of perhaps paper popped out of the back of the vile camera and he pulled it out, shaking it in the air as if he was trying to cool it off. Cooling off the fires of hell, I could only guess.
   While I couldn't take him on wrestling, my hands were quicker. I snatched the little paper and ran off, Max close behind. I leaped right over a pile of junk and Max ran the long way around, not trusting his luck.
   "Careful! Don't put your fingers on it!" he pleaded as I hopped over another dirty tarp.
   Across the yard, I jumped up a tree and plopped my butt onto a branch. The paper wasn't hot, to my surprise.
   One side was black and certainly not interesting. I flipped it over and nearly fell out of the tree in surprise.
   Staring back at me was a familiar average looking face with a confused expression and wide eyes. I couldn't believe it, but I was staring at myself! I was in a picture.
   "Max?" I called, still in shock, my eyes refusing to look away from myself. "A little birdie just told me that you are about to get us into some pretty deep excrement."

[Steve1234]

well, I would like to read it.
My first language isn't english, but that shouldn't be a big problem.
I'm 16, and if i'm right this is a book for teens/young adults?
I like to write myself (In duth ) and would love to read your story

greets
herat

[Szaxx]

It sounds like a great read.
Its totally different to what I normally read. Boring information....
Send it over and I'll fire it up while at work (tts engine).
I was actually reading the above and creating visualisations from its feel.
It'll be fun.

[ChopstickFox]

Yay! This is exciting! Szaxx, I'll email it to you. Herat, could you message me where I can email the file? I don't think I can send attachments in PMs.

This book was inspired by a dream I had a few years ago. I started brainstorming, but ended up tossing the idea. Then I had a dream last year about it again and decided to give it a go.

[Szaxx]

Hi,
I've started listening to your book and Im upto page 74.
It's really good, full of wit and fear combined.
I was laughing to myself and the guys at work saying he's definately mad...
The tetanus line with the foot long teeth was a killer.
The perspective comes through well too. You know how the characters feel by the writing style, I like that.
I can't see a word only hear them. Originally I thought it may be a problem but no way.
You've done a great job and I'll be listening more in a few mins.

More Pulsers should read it. It's something I wouldn't normally read/listen too. Im glad I did.
100% 

[Astralzombie]

Hi,
I've started listening to your book and Im upto page 74.
It's really good, full of wit and fear combined.
I was laughing to myself and the guys at work saying he's definately mad...
The tetanus line with the foot long teeth was a killer.
The perspective comes through well too. You know how the characters feel by the writing style, I like that.
I can't see a word only hear them. Originally I thought it may be a problem but no way.
You've done a great job and I'll be listening more in a few mins.

More Pulsers should read it. It's something I wouldn't normally read/listen too. Im glad I did.
100% 

I know life isn't fair but Chops is too dang talented. Witty, voice of an angel (albeit a dark angel with black talons and all), and she can spin a great story. She probably knows the cure for cancer too.

All kidding aside, this is a great story and is perfect for her targeted audience. The only reason she isn't immensely famous right now is because she is too down to earth to care about that. Even when she is soaring the skies.

[Szaxx]

Thats 100% too.
Im finishing it too, it's really good and the more you read the better it gets.
The music is another story, I'm going to post an appraisal on my recent thread soon. Its so deserved.

[ChopstickFox]

You guys are so sweet to me

I'm so glad you are enjoying it Szaxx! I'm trying to coordinate for my Aunt who is an editor to check it out. I tried when in America, but it fell through. Renewed energy to keep trying!!! I wanna see to it that this baby gets published!

its_all_bad, would you like the full version? It would be no problem at all to shoot it over to you in an email

[Steve1234]

you realy need to publish it
I'm at p105 and the story keeps getting beter. :p
I also think that you have chosen the right moments to finish the chapters. everytime i end one, i want to read on.
congratz for the masterpiece :p

[ChopstickFox]

Yay! That's what I was going for!

My mom said the same thing and she hates that genre. (I kind of thought she was just saying that to be nice, haha!)

[Szaxx]

To be continued, aaaaagggggghhhhhhh.
That feels better.
Ok how soon?

I like it.

[ChopstickFox]

OH! OH! OH!!!!! I'd better get started writing then!!!

I'm about half way through part 3. Then there's part 4 to do.

You can see where especially one of the characters was inspired.

OH! SO GIDDY!!! Where's my notebook!!!

[Steve1234]

i agree with szaxx
The story is really nice and fun to read. :p
I couldn't read much last day's but hope i will find some time this week so i can finish it.

one thing that i'm realy curious about:
what technologie/event made that the humans needed to hide behind the wall?
Hope i'll read it in first part but supose the answer will be spred(spread?) amongst all parts :p

greets
herat

[ChopstickFox]

A specific event was not explained, at least as of yet. The characters know it was a blend of technology, humanity overstepping their boundaries and the action was punished.

[drake]

When this book gets published surely we will read it.

[Indigochild97]

The whole idea and concept sounds great this inspires me to continue writing my story send me the book I wanna check it out

[ChopstickFox]

For an update, long story short, my family keeps misplacing the books and thinking it's no big deal for me to just print out others for $20 a pop. Not made of money when you don't have a job. So... 6 months have passed and my editor aunt still hasn't even looked at it. If I can't get my family to even look inside, it's a little discouraging but I wont give up.

I'll be happy to share it with you Indigo!

[Szaxx]

Hey K,
Finished it then?
Im half way as you know and have written something myself.
U wanna swap?

[ChopstickFox]

I sent you the PDF of the first book. It's the same one that's still waiting for the next step. The second book is about half way written. :3

Oh! And I definitely want to check out what you've been working on!

[Szaxx]

That sounds like a swap then.
It's almost ready. I'll PM a link, you'll need an hour and a comfy chair with a seatbelt. The ride itself was rough and should you re-live it you'll need to keep the lights on. That's definate.
It called New Jericho, the name given by one of the guys within the experience.
Read it and dont weep.

[Nameless]

I enjoyed this very much. Did you ever get it published ChopstickFox? I would love to read the rest.