A little much needed astral pulse humor

[Alan McDougall]

Greetings  this thread is nothing serious just some humour from uncle Alan

~~~~AFTERLIFE~~~~
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

Remember:
Senior Citizens Are Valuable (and Alan is one)

We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and.
We are loaded with natural gas.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in

Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until 'all Hell breaks loose'.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until 'Hell freezes over'.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

MEMORABLE QUOTES BY FORMER US DEFENSE SECRETARY DONALD RUMSFELD
"I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started."

"We do know of certain knowledge that he [Osama Bin Laden] is either in Afghanistan, or in some other country, or dead."

"We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat." –on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction

"Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war."

"Freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things." –on looting in Iraq after the U.S. invasion, adding "stuff happens"

"As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time."

"[Osama Bin Laden is] either alive and well or alive and not too well or not alive."

"I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work." -asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress

"I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think, and, well, I assume it's what I said."

"Needless to say, the President is correct. Whatever it was he said."
"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know.

We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

"If I said yes, that would then suggest that that might be the only place where it might be done which would not be accurate, necessarily accurate. It might also not be inaccurate, but I'm disinclined to mislead anyone."

"There's another way to phrase that and that is that the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. It is basically saying the same thing in a different way.

Simply because you do not have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that it doesn't exist." -on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction

"It is unknowable how long that conflict [the war in Iraq] will last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months." -in Feb. 2003

"Well, um, you know, something's neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so, I suppose, as Shakespeare said."

"Secretary Powell and I agree on every single issue that has ever been before this administration except for those instances where Colin's still learning."

"Learn to say 'I don't know.' If used when appropriate, it will be often."

"I don't know what the facts are but somebody's certainly going to sit down with him and find out what he knows that they may not know, and make sure he knows what they know that he may not know."

"I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty."

"I don't do quagmires."

"I don't do diplomacy."

"I don't do foreign policy."

"I don't do predictions."

"I don't do numbers."

"I don't do book reviews."
"Now, settle down, settle down. Hell, I'm an old man, it's early in the morning and I'm gathering my thoughts here."

"If I know the answer I'll tell you the answer, and if I don't, I'll just respond, cleverly."

"Oh, Lord. I didn't mean to say anything quotable."

Who was dear Mr Bushes teacher??

Take Care

Alan

[AmbientSound]

A young man, who is a virgin, has a birthday approaching soon. For his birthday, his girlfriend tells him that she will have sex with him. So the man goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms, and is feeling a bit awkward about it. One of the staff members sees him and asks if he can help the man with his decision. The man says he doesn't know anything about condoms, being a virgin, and accepts the employee's help. The employee says, "Oh, sure, I know all about these things. I help people like you all the time." The man is grateful for the employee's help, thanks him, buys the condoms, and leaves.

Later that night, the man meets his girlfriend for dinner at her parents' house. Before starting the meal, the man offers to say a prayer. He bows his head and they all hold hands. He is silent for quite some time, so his girlfriend leans over and whispers to him, "I had no idea you were so religious." The man whispers back to his girlfriend, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."

[Stookie]

So there's a guy driving down the interstate in a pickup truck full of penguins. A cop pulls him over and says, "sir, you can't be driving down the road with all these penguins, you need to take them to the zoo."

So the next day the cop sees the same guy, same truck, and all the penguins are wearing swim goggles, snorkels, and intertubes. He pulls him over and says "hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo". The man replies, "I did. Now I'm taking them to the beach."

[Alan McDougall]

Nice Guys     

Good to see others taking life a little less seriously, Maybe we can keep this thread going so long as the jokes don't become off the wall

Alan

[AmbientSound]

A little boy walks in on his parents having an intimate moment. The mother, concerned, went to her son's room to talk to him. The little boy said, "Mommy, what were you doing to Daddy?" The mother said, 'Well, sometimes your daddy's tummy gets too big and I have to squash it back down."

The little boy thought about this for a moment and said, "You're wasting your time." "Why?" Asked the mother, perplexed. The little boy said, "Well, while you're at work, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up."

[AmbientSound]

Where does the Pope keep his armies?


In his sleevies!

[Stookie]

An abbot and monks who have taken a vow of silence are sitting at Christmas dinner.  Its very quiet and a monk suddenly says, "these mashed potatoes are lumpy."  It stays quiet and they finish dinner.

A year later, they're having Christmas dinner, a monk at the other side of the table says, "these mashed potatoes are not lumpy."

Another year goes by and the abbot stands up unexpectedly at Christmas dinner and say," I'm leaving the monastery - I can't take this constant bickering."

[AmbientSound]

So there's a pirate, and every time he plunders a ship he says, "Arr, matey, get me me red shirt." And his first mate runs down to the cabin to get the shirt. And after awhile, his first mate starts wondering why the captain makes him get him the red shirt. So he asks him one day. The captain says, "Arr, it hides the blood so it doesn't scare off me victims." So the first mate says, "Ah, that makes sense." One day, the pirates were sailing around causing some trouble and ran into the entire British naval fleet. The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arr, matey, get me me brown pants!"

[volcomstone]

Q:  What sexual position produces the ugliest children?


A: Ask your mom!

[AmbientSound]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Hey, do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

"No," the rabbit replied. So the bear used the rabbit to wipe himself.